Advise on How to Handle Single Parenting

Hi E.,
Listen- everything is going to be okay. Sometimes the old adage that time heals wounds is really true. I have been a single parent of a daughter (now 11) and a son (now 10) for more than 10 years, and my children's dad has been in and out of their lives. He left when he found I was pregnant with our son, and it was a hard, rocky road in the beginning. In the early years, my daughter - now almost 12 - was very angry at me for her dad's absence. It took counseling to work through it, and to help me understand that it was safe for her to be mad at me, as her dad was not around to strike out at. But the three of us made it through the hard times and we are such a tight, close-knit family now. E., as long as you are okay, your kids will be okay. That's so true - so if you need therapy to get through this chapter in your life, please get that help - so you can be armed to help your kids adjust. And adjust they will - kids are indeed tenacious. Give them room to express how they feel, and communicate communicate communicate! Hopefully once your ex works through his own emotional issues, he'll do better that what he is doing now. Meanwhile, you've been afforded this special opportunity to build close, intimate, wonderful bonds with your children that their dad may never have with them. Embrace this, you three are a team and you'll make it -you'll surely end up so close and tight and have a bond that is a reward in itself. Good luck, please let me know how you are making out!

I, too, am a single parent with very little outside help. I only have one child and she's now 11. Her father and I were going to be getting divorced when she was 6 but he died before that was able to happen. I was already in a relationship so I wasn't on my own until March of 2005. I moved from NJ to NH so that I could get a fresh start, and it really did make a difference.

If he's not willing to help then you need to do it, either by limiting his contact or by seeking counseling for them. It is a very traumatic thing, especially for kids that young, so the more help you can get them the better. It probably would be a good idea for you to also seek some counseling to help deal with your issues so that you are capable of being the best mom you can be.

Seek some outside help. There are agencies out there whose whole purpose in being is to offer help to people who need it, and it isn't all just financial help. Call your local social services office and see what they can help you with.

E.,
The best thing you can do is be there for your kids. Nevermind that their father doesn't want to help mend things. I am a single mom and have been since my son was born (9 yrs ago). His father is absent 99% of the time and had done nothing to help fix the anger my son felt because his father and I weren't together anymore. Allow them to express their feelings and acknowledge them. That's very important! My son was pretty ticked off his dad wasn't around anymore, but after about a year I'd say things cooled off and he was much better. Today, he is a happy, healthy, bright, funny 9 year old. Kids are very resilient and yours should bounce back from this. It will take time though and also remember..your kids will remember who was there for them financially, emotionally, etc and who wasn't.

As a child of divorced parents I can tell you this: Do not involve the children in any arguments between you and their father, don't talk about your ex in front of the children or to the children..those are the biggest mistakes parents make and from my experience all it does is create more confusion for the kids.

Best of luck to you..it's a long, hard road but you can do it!

hi E. i am 27 and am a single parent of two a 8 and 4 year old. there father has been gone for almost two years now. i am on my own he has nothing to do with them. it breaks my heart when they ask questyions about why he left. the one thing my mother taught me was to never lie. i alwas tell them the truth. that i dont know why he left. and i reasure them that i am not leaving and i will always be there when they need me. if you have any family that you are or they are close to maybe they could try and have a day where they get together and do something anything from talking to playing games. the one thing they need is to know that there are still poeple in the family that still love them no matter what. from one single mom to another i know how hard it can be but i try to have a set rutine. i try to cook dinner everyday. but i go to school,and work and have my son in sports so i know that it is not always easy to do things and find enough time in the day to do every thing. one last thing i tell my kids every night at bed time that i love them no matter how bad they were all day.

Hello E.,
I know how hard it is doing this all on your own. I am a single mother of 4 children. The two boys 9 and 5 have a different father than the two girls 2 and 1. We went to court for visitation for the boys, so he gets them every other Sun for 8hrs, and that is all I get he is too busy to even show up for special things they might be doing. The girls dad is just a lost cause. I make sure everyday I let my children know just how much I love them ,and reasure them that no matter what I will always be there for them. I try to explain to the boys that things sometimes don't work out between adults, but that doesn't mean that their dad doesn't love them, we just can't play nice.He is the one that is missing out on all the joy having a child brings, and you can't do anything about it, so for your own sanity just don't try anymore.If he has any heart what so ever he will come around eventually, and then let him explain where he was. Just don't bad mouth him in front of the kids. It will get better you will see. I hope this helps.
T.

I am really sorry to hear that their father is doing this to your children. Inside I am sure you are dying of heartache. I am a single mother of a 4 year old girl and have been seperated from her father for three years. Her father has always given me a hard time. I tried for two years to mend things so my daughter would not have to go through all the heartache. I tried everything! and nothing seamed to help, infact it made matters worse. The more i tried to help the situation the more her father rebelled. I went to court for sole custody of my daughter and child support. It didn't get me to far though. He claimed he wanted visitation so the judge gave him two 8 hor periods a week and now he is lucky if he takes her 2 times a month. I finaly gave up and told my self he is only hurting himself by not being a part of his daughters life and doing what is best for her. In the end when his daughter asks why he wasn't there or why he didn't care when she was hurt he is the one who is going to have to answer not me.
The best advice I can give you is to make sure you let your children know they are loved and cared for. Do everyting you can to make sure they are happy. One thing to always remember is you can only control what you do not what your spouse does. If you try to change or control him you are going to burn yourself out. You have to stay strong for your kids. Keep your head up high and put your kids and you first you will make it through this hard time and things will get easier as time goes on. I hope things work out for you. If you ned a friend or more advice feel free to email me at ____@____.com

when adults are busy trying to hurt one another the only people really gettig hurt are the children...its sooo true. my ex is still doing everything to hurt me. and the only ones that are really getting hurt are our sons... they are 15 and 18. its been many years now that has past. but the last 6 years have been the worst... thank God they know the truth. but now they have issues to deal with and their father is just a stupid dope. he told the boys that he didn't do drugs till he met me. it is soooo far from the truth girls that i all i can do is talk to the kids and not do the same thing that he is doing. and that is mixing them up even more. now i hope that you girls aren't scrathing your heads saying why would he say that does she do drugs?? cause i did. and its over. and the thing is...even if it was true...why tell the children that??? and he said i kept him from his boys. another bullcrap story. the fact of the matter is...he was out doing drugs and screwed up his life there for a while and neglected seeing the boys. i made my mistakes but i never did anything to hurt the boys...well he eventually put the drugs in the past and i am happy for him. but he is sooooo busy trying to turn the boys against me that all he is doing is hurting the children....i just communicate as much as i can with the boys. i talk and talk. i don't call him a liar. i just say that what he is saying is not true...get it?? i don't do to them what he does. so they have some sort of positive influence and some positive direction. keep it calm...E. i feel for you. good luck. stay positive. it takes two to argue...kay?? so just focus on the children...tune him right out. i never argued with my ex. it got me nowhere. and the kids figure it out. trust me. i am a survivor of bullcrap...just talk to us and vent and scream at us. we understand. when it comes to the babies just be there and focus on positive things. ask questions. like how did that make you feel?? and do you think daddy should have said that?? let them figure it out without you confusing them...guide them...kay sweetie??? best of luck.....we will be there for you...i will i know for sure....you and your babies are in my prayers. and the rest of you ladies!!!! lots of love and prayers...J.

it is the hardest thing you will ever do,just pray to god,get into a group ,maybe parents without partners so you dont feel so alone

Single parenting is extremely difficult. I'm doing it myself with even a couple more issues but the best thing to do is reassure your kids how much you love them and thats its not their fault. Talk to them openly and discuss fears or concerns daily. My kids are 3 and 5. (my 5 year old being my thinker) and everynight before bed I would ask if anything happened during the day that bothered her or if anything was on her mind. When she realized she could ask me anything she became very open and sleep time went back to normal. My ex is not concerned either that the things he says or does can affect the kids in a negative way (story of our marriage..hence the divorce) I just know that they in time will see how positive life with me is and will develope their own attitudes towards him. Love your children and the rest will fall into place. You're not alone!!

i'm going through the same thing with my sons father. it sucks, but i have been with a wonderful guy since my son was 2 months old who i consider to be his daddy. were fighting over custody, he doesn't care, he likes the thought of being a father, but not doing the fatherly things. he doesnt pay support, call to talk to him or me, doesn't send gifts or anything. in dec. is my last trial hearing for this issue, and i'm hoping that they follow through and take his rights away. but he'll still have to pay child support. but this might give him the boost to actaully sign his rights over and let my fiance adopt him. if it's possible, take your ex to court. write down everything that has happened and hasn't happened and keep track. talk to a lawyer or public defender, file some custody and child support papers, and hopefully you'll have better luck than i've had. its not easy, and you'l be made out to look like the bad one. but you have your children, and thats all that matters. just do what you can now, so that when they get older, your not fighting over who gets who and you'll have everything in order so he can't just say that you never let him see them or anything like that. therapy is expensive, so avoiding the situations that put kids in therapy is a good thing. becuz either way, the responsible parent deals with the brunt of everything. good luck