Advice to Stop Three Year-old Wetting Pants

It sounds a little like a control issue. When he looks like he has to go, by doing the dance pr otherwise, or at times of the day that you know he has some, take him by the hand and tell him that you're going to pee. I he says he doesn't have anything, tell him to just try for a minute, and if nothing comes out, that's ok too. It's so automatic, that if he does have to pee, it will come out once he's by the toilet. Reminghime aboout "that feeling that says you've gotta go"
Good luck!

My niece went through this and they ended up doing an ultrasound and finding a kidney malfunction. Just a suggestion that maybe he should see his doctor to have some tests run.

S.,

Okay, here's the educator coming out in me...what has changed in your child's routine at home? Has he always wet himself when he's with you guys at home? Have you asked his school teacher for the techniques they use to get him to go on his own?

Just a few questions.

I started out assisting in pre-schools when I was in college, and this was not unusual with kids who had a major change to their routine. For example, new baby, move homes, loss of relative, new addition of activity in sibling routine or illness of family or child.

I understand it's frustrating, but if he's never gone on his own with your then there is an issue with his need to be attended to. If you get angry and frustrated he knows that he's going to get a response from your...whether positive or not. What does your time with your kids look like? Do you ever spend one-on-one time with them? Is there family time when you guys play games or go to the park? (just trying to narrow it down)

My one stand out experience as a helper in preschool, was a little girl who was amazing at school and her parents always talked about how awful she was on the weekend or when they picked her up from school...it was so confusing, because she was so bright and they said she reverted to infant like behavior at home...sucking her thumb, crying at night and refused to sleep anywhere but, her old bed. After they took her to therapy, I think she was four at the time, they found out she had fears they didn't know about...dark, the loud noises the heater made, the toilet flushed different at home than at school...

Have you talked to him about it? I mean, sat down in his room or outside and asked him why he wets himself at home? My son is only 2 years old and not yet potty taught, but I think talking to him is helping us get through some very difficult times...visitation and routine changes. Maybe he is seeking some genuine Mommy time. We get our kids so used to us being the main caregiver, and then it switches so dramatically when they start preschool or we have to go back to work. Maybe plan an outing for just the two of you, and take that time to reassure him you're there for him whenever he needs you. Kids need constant reassurance of this, and it's hard once they become more independent to remember that cuddles and love can do wonders!

I hope this rambling helps a bit...good luck!
Deanna

Hi S.,
My son started doing this for awhile after he was potty trained - he was also about 3 1/2. Part of it is that he didn't want to stop playing or whatever he was doing to go. We used a behavior chart with him. He got a sticker or a check mark for every day he went without wetting his pants. After 10 stickers he got a present or treat. We did this for about a month and then just kept the chart up as a reminder. It worked.

Getting angry doesn't help because it just makes it a power struggle that they are going to win since they have control over when and where they pee.

Hope this helps.

He's still young "not" to have accidents.

For my daughter when she was that age, she'd have accidents too... but mostly when/if she was "stressed" or tired, or anxious about something, or just wanting to play so she waited too long before going to pee. For my girl, she'd started to have accidents after I had my second baby.

We never scolded her for it, or embarrassed her about it. But, we just would remind her, at home, every so often to go pee.
For a child this age, they are STILL developing self-control with peeing... so give him time, but just remind him about it at home. It will pass.

Good luck,
Susan

try positive re-enforcement. possibly he's doing it to get attention. but i think at 3 1/2 (i have one with very similar behavior right now) they just get too busy doing what they're doing and don't want to take the time to go to the bathroom. school and home environment is very different and they behave differently in each place. i don't give my daughter an option when i know she has to pee. yes, it's frustrating and more work if i have to physically take her to the toilet myself (even though she knows how to go on her own). and there have been many times that she peed on the floor or on herself right in front of the toilet because she waited too long. at this age it still could be a control problem too. or other transitions in life for them.

whatever the reason, be patient. this too will pass. and make sure to acknowledge the times he does go on his own with praise, hugs, and attention.

Accept it. Go to the store and buy Pull Ups, that is why they come in larger sizes. My grandson just turned 7, and still has problems. Develop sympathy instead of anger. You are making too big of a deal over it. Boys at 3 1/2 - this is normal. They don't develop in this area as fast as girls. My son was nearly 10 before it stopped altogether. Also suggest bribing, such as: "Before we do this or that, we are going to give it a TRY going to the bathroom, and take the little tyke to the bathroom." By the way, plastic drop cloths, painters use, come in a roll, easily cut, and make great plastic covers for any size bed. Add a terry towel, and cover with fitted sheet.

Our daughter wet her pants for years. I don't remember when it stopped, she's 11 now. She would dance and dance and say she didn't have to go. Still does, waits till the last second. For her, she's just so interested in what she's doing that a potty break is just disruptive. It stopped with maturity. I wouldn't worry at all at 3. Put some special training pants or diapars at home on him. If he doesn't like that, he might go use the bathroom. No punishment, just lots of creative, positive reinforcement. Such as, if he makes it a week dry.....go for an ice cream. You could use stars on a chart for each day....you decide how many days should be rewarded and what the reward would be.

Does he have specific times that he is taken to the bathroom in school? Maybe he needs some type of structured time that he goes to the bathroom.
It does seem like a strange thing. I'm sure you asked him the reason he does this. Maybe you can make up a story about a child who wets himself when he is home at bedtime and ask your son why does he think this child (give him a name)wets himself and see if he gives you some answer.
Just a thought.
Other then that, I'm sure he will stop this eventually. He is only 3 1/2 years old.
Good luck!

Hi S.,
The only thing I could think of is that your son has a set schedule at daycare than he does at home. Also, he sees his friends going,and that might help. My suggestion would be to try to go every half hour yourself or your husband, and making it seem like a huge deal. Then after a while that he sees you guys "going" every half hour, he'll get into that schedule as well. Good luck!

Have you heard of the Book "Do I have to give up me, to be loved by my kids". It has a section of children who wet there pants and why. It is writen by a PHD great book. -M. R

you might talk to his teachers about the "schedule" for potty at school. Many preschools take kids to the bathroom on a schedule and all the kids go. So he may be used to being told at school, it's time to go potty, whereas at home he's being expected to tell you, or being asked if he *needs* to go rather than just taken to the potty at a given time. If you find out what the chedule and routine is at school and mirror it at home, that might make it easier for him to get it. Eventually he wont need that but seems to need it now. Plus boys on average don't potty train until 4 years old, so while he is capable, he may not be fully ready yet. Be as patient as possible and use positive reinforcement. "punishing" or discipline will not help him be successful at this age.

S.,
I think that it may be routine for him to use the restroom at school, in other words, it may be part of the schedule, or he sees everyone else going and he's successful there because he's in a familiar routine. But maybe at home, or at a friend's he forgets, or there isn't the routine that he has at school.
Go back to the steps you took to train him. Take him to the bathroom every 2 hours, or an hour after he drinks something. Start timing him, see how long it takes him to go after he drinks something, that way you can anticipate when he may need to go. I'd also just take him and not ask him.
It seems like with the potty training, you have to take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. My son is 3 and refuses to go, he's still in diapers, be happy, you're lucky you've gotten this far.

I would be as patient as you possibly can. Have routine bathroom times for him and encourage him to go at those times. For napping and bedtime, I would use pullups with him, if you can, because some children are hard sleepers and will not wake up to go potty. As for the mothers who say make them clean their own accidents, that is just not right, because it is shaming them into trying to go to the bathroom. Have a reward chart and give rewards (stickers) for when he goes to the potty and successfully has a good try. I would agree to cancel playdates at others houses until he can go to the potty on his own for awhile. Maybe he can invite a friend to play at the playground or another public place if he is successful in going to the bathroom on his own for 10-15 days. Just love your son and spend as much 1:1 time with him as you can. Best wishes.

Hi S.,

I'd ask your pediatrician about this one!

Overall, I think boys take longer to learn how to potty-train--and there's many different definitions to what "potty-trained" means. I don't know if I'd punish him--he is 3 1/2, after all--but maybe you need to take him to the potty for awhile, like you probably did when you started potty-training. If he's wetting himself at friends' houses, he might just be too engrossed in playing to stop to use the bathroom. Also, if he's doing it at home, well, home is where we feel most comfortable and safe (usually)--so he might not be paying attention to the signals for some reason. You might want to use a rewards chart at home. I'd find out too what the potty situation is at school--if he's not wetting himself there, then there must be something he likes about their bathroom habits: are the potties at school kid-sized? is there a specific time when everyone uses the potty? do they have special toilet paper or step stools or liquid hand soap?? I'd ask his teacher in addition to his pediatrician.

Good luck to you!!
:-) D.

I would talk to his teachers to see what they do at school and try to mimic at home how they get him to go on his own.

Could be that he just needs extra one on one attention/encouragement from you. He can probably sense your frustration and anger at him when he goes in his pants. But if he is trying to get attention from you, negative attention is better than getting no attention in his mind.

Maybe they have small toilets at the school, but at home he is afraid to go on the big toilet.

Maybe you could try having his Big Brother take him to the potty and go pee with him as an incentive.

Early on, we didn't want to punish our son for going in his pants either. But after a year of potty training, it was time to step up our game. Now when he has more than 2 accidents a day, he gets a cold shower. I know it sounds cruel, but really it's just a few seconds in the cold water. And he has to clean up his messes and put his dirty clothes in the dirty clothes bin. We got the idea for the cold bath from a close friend whose daughter at age 4 regressed and would repeatedly go in her pants. After a few weeks of cold showers, she shaped up. It isn't often that our son wets himself more than twice a day, but he still gets cold showers maybe once every other month or so. Just the threat of a cold shower makes him more conscious of making it to the potty. My son is almost 4.

Good luck!

Make him clean up the mess, Make him wash out his own clothes so that they won't stink up the rest of the laundry. Make him wash the wet spot he left behind. And make him scrub hard while you are watching. The harder you make him work the faster he will decide this sucks and stop. If you decide to clean it again later make sure he isn't around to see you doing it. This defeats the purpose. Once he has to spend 15 to 20 minutes cleaning up the mess, when he could have spent 2 minutes peeing in the potty he will realize that this is to much trouble. Don't ever clean up a pee accident again. Unless it's uncontrolled diaria. And if he has accidents at friends, make him promise to use their bathroom. If he has an accident at their house then he is to young to go play with friends and doesn't get to go anymore. This isn't fair to the other mother's. I don't know of anyone that wants their house to smell like the neighbor boys pee. Good Luck to you! J.

I really like the idea of him cleaning up his own mess if it is a day of a lot of accidents. That's the punishment or the result of his accident. Please don't punish him or ever put
him in a cold shower (sorry) to punish him. I don't agree with that one.(sorry). Some kids have immature bladders and take longer for it all to connect. I think for boys especially.I would stick with positive reinforcement (as said by others) and explaining that he is a bigger boy now so he knows how to use the poty and it doesn't feel good to be in wet pants.It ok to get frustrated when it happens alot.Have a routine of what he's suppose to do when he has a lot of accidents and then have him follow thru then move on. Maybe give him 1 freeby per day til it lessens up. D. G

I've been through the same thing! We were frustrated, we thought it was something we did or a big change in our lives to the point where we thought he would never be potty trained. When your son is at school, he is with his peers so he sees and relates to the kids going potty. He probably copies them as well and everything is peachy keen. At home, there are probably a different set of rules and he's 'at home' where he can be a little more himself. We talked to our son, did the touchy feely 'how are you feeling talks,' told him that he would go back into diapers, etc. Our son didn't want to wear pull ups during the day, he preferred his underwear.

Your son is still young and is still learning. His bladder control isn't the best yet. He will grow out of it. Our son is almost 5 and still has some accidents. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep consistent with having him go potty and he will eventually grow out of it. Years from now, when we face their scary teen issues, we'll look back and think how small these potty training issues were.

I found with my boys that if you tell them they just have to put 2 drops in the potty, that helps.

I don't think he is doing it for attention. Most likely at his school they go to the bathroom at the same time everyday. At least that is how it is at my sons school, he goes from 8:30 - 3:30ish (long day, I know! but he insists on staying all day and it really is a great place). Anyway - he too (same age as your son) has accidents at home but never at school. I've just recently made it a point to remind him if it has been a while since he has gone. He used to put up a fight if I asked him to go. Now he doesn't but I also don't make a big deal out of - funny how as soon as I relax about it, he has no problem going. I think he just wanted it to be his choice. So the way I do it now rather than say, let's go to the bathroom now. I'll say, hey looks like you're doing the pee pee dance, do you want to go in your bathroom or the office bathroom, (something like that) lately he takes off for the bathroom of his choice, no problem.

M.

Does he go to the bathroom in a potty or the toilet. Maybe he's scared. I'm sure at his school, the toilets are much smaller.

Hi!

When my son was born, my daughter was 2. She was almost potty trained until he came along...She started to have accidents too and I realized the more I gave her attention for not doing good, the more she was doing it. What I did was leave her for a couple of minutes in her wet pants. She didn't like that at all...I was trying to help her verbalize what I thought she was going through. It finally worked. Don't despair, it will pass...

good luck!

The school might think he is going to potty I bet he is holding it there and not going, most likely going in and washing his hands only, so once he gets home if he doesnt go to the bathroom right away he wets, does he care that he is wet ? maybe other kids notice, are you out some place he really doesn't want to be.. you might stop asking him, and put him on a schedule, before you leave you walk him in potty room listen for him to go, oo make sure you tell him not to flush you will kid will tell fib they have gone and flush so you wont know, when he comes home from school bathroom to go and wash hands, if you leave he goes, after snack he goes, before bed, the poop is the one the kids will do just for the attention, dont rule out he might not have a big enough bladder yet.. its not uncommon for boys to have a bigger body than the bladder, and the bladder needs to catch up..