Advice Please! - Toledo,OH

Well, he's 20. He'll grow out of it when he's not a child. A man would want to be with his wife and child on Father's Day. You are not in a relationship with a man, but a child.

Having a child, does not make a couple into grownups. Growing up does that.
You are both so young, and know so little about the world and responsibility. Start planning for what you will do without him around. I hate to say this, but he probably won't be for long. Unless, he seriously shapes up.

He sounds like he is young and didn't want to be a dad at this point and didn't choose to have a child with you. If this is the case he will probably not grow out of it. Eventually he will just accept his feelings are valid and walk away.

If he is just immature then he will grow out of it.

Mature males are rare. 20 is young (and illegal to be out drinking and driving on several levels btw). Genetically he could be a responsible man, but culturally we are not raising men to be men by 20 in America (I'm trying to raise my son to be a man though). My dad was a man and he raised my brother to be a man, and I have lots of young men in my family who are men, but I'm astounded at the massive amounts of "manchildren" I see running around these days.

If your boyfriend (not judging the relationship, but he's not a husband, he's a guy with a baby who goes out all the time and wants to drink on fathers day) is the immature type, he could grow up NEVER, or MAYBE in his mid-forties. That's what I've seen and I'm 43 with a 44 year old ex who is still acting like a young party dude. He is visiting and looking forward to dinner out with his young kids tonight, but that's after 20 years of partying, and he's just taking a quick break and doesn't see them often.

30-35 seems to be where well-adjusted average men start to act like mature people these days imo.

***Chances are, someone who is partying all the time at 20 when he has a new baby instead of focusing on building his career at this age is not going to come around any time soon. Try to prepare yourself to be an independent woman and mother and find a better man down the line. You've got lots of time ahead of you, just make wise choices along the way and keep a clear head about this man.

He's just not into having a family right now.
In 5 or 10 years he might be ready - or not.
Some guys are 35 before they are ready to settle down - and some never do.
He wants good times, parties, going out with the guys, and it wouldn't surprise me if he's not done dating/sleeping with other women.
He's not into the responsibility of caring for/raising a child (but that won't stop him from having more).
You've got a child to raise and you are pretty much on your own.
It's not your job to raise your boyfriend - he'll resent you if you try and you're not his mother.
Make sure you have everything in order for child support, then concentrate on raising your baby and skip boyfriends for 5 or more years.

Hate to say it, but he is still a kid. Of course he prefers to go out drinking with his friends. He isn't ready to be a daddy. I don't blame him. I wasn't ready for kids till I was 35!

A man would prefer to be with his child on (especially his first) Fathers Day.
Sounds like you chose a boy, not a man.
I'm sorry.
Try to have a nice day with your baby.
If you plan to stay with this relationship, you're going to have to get used to not having him around.

R.:

Sorry. It takes some boys a while to grow up. and unfortunately, you still have a boy. Not a man.

While it IS Father's day and father's should be able to do what they want - it would be great if he put more value on his child than partying.

I remember being 20. Darn!! I thought I knew it all!! Just finishing up college....going out...partying.....no real responsibilities...bet this was a huge wake up call for you both!

This is why sooo many people state - don't get pregnant until you are married or at least in a COMMITTED relationship. Having a baby doesn't make a boy grow up over night...not sure what you were thinking...

He doesn't understand where you are coming from because he's a BOY. not a man. He is a BOY.

You need to start making time for yourself. Whether it be hiring a babysitter and going to get a pedicure - or going out for lunch with the girls. You need to be YOU as well. Not just a mom. YOU.

If he's 20 and out drinking? He's breaking the law. you realize that, right? So if he gets caught drinking and driving? He will further mess up his life! Oh joy!!

You CANNOT demand that he stay home. sorry. you can't. You can't control him and his actions. you can only control you. So if he wants to go out and get wasted? Great. Let him.

Be prepared. I hope you have your education under your belt. I hope you are able to stand on your own two feet and do this without him. Because girlfriend, this is your life...don't expect him to participate, don't beg, don't plead...you might have to kick his butt to the curb and tell him - ENOUGH! And do it on your own!

Good luck!

Statistics are against you. Most 20 yr old girls that have a baby don't stay in the relationship with the father. You will more than likely end up raising this baby on your own.

The best thing to do is not fight with him. He is still a child and you don't need to 'raise' him too.

I hope you have a job, save some money so if and when the time comes, you can leave without having to worry about how your going to make it without him.

I was you many moons ago (had my daughter at 17). I left him when our daughter was 3 & never looked back. That was 20 yrs ago and he still is a mess.

FYI I didn't date much after I left him. I didn't want different guys around my daughter. I stayed single and concentrated on being the best mom I could be. I put my life into building a career and making a home for her. I made plenty of mistakes but overall I know I tried hard & succeeded at being a good parent.

I encourage you to put your child first and let him grow up when he's ready, you cannot force him and the more you push him to be a dad, the more he will party with his friends.

I came back and read this, and I want to apologize for how harsh my post comes across. I didn't intend it that way, but that doesn't mean anything if it hurt your feelings. It sucks really badly that your baby's father isn't stepping up, but I hope that he's just getting his last hurrahs out of his system and figures out soon that he has something special at home. But I have a feeling he needs a very strong reality check, like you packing your stuff and leaving.

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He's out with his friends every night because he's not married and doesn't have a fiancee. He has a girlfriend that has his baby, and he's not ready to settle down since he's still essentially a child. His behavior is telling you far more than his words are telling you regarding where his priorities are and what he wants.

Regarding Father's Day in general... being the dad, he should get to choose what he wants to do and who to spend it with. In our family we do recognize some obligations and always have, but we never had issues with having responsibility and we actually enjoy spending time with family and each other.

Also, you never go out because you're a mother of a newborn baby. It goes with the territory. Didn't anyone tell you that before you had the baby? Your baby-daddy-boyfriend doesn't feel tied down or obligated because he's not bonded with you or the baby and doesn't care to be so the responsibility falls on you. Well, guess what? Even if he WERE picking up the slack of being a father you STILL wouldn't get to "go out." Going out when your baby is this tiny and young consists of running errands and visiting family. "Going out" is over. You gave all of that up when you had a baby. The party time is over, Mom. You don't get to be a child any more even if you chose the wrong baby-daddy.

Hopefully he will grow up.

The two of you are really young. I remember that age.. I was enjoying friends, shopping, eating out, traveling, dancing.. I was pretty self centered and enjoying our new marriage.. I was immature.

That is why my husband and I waited until we were 30 to have our child..
We had gotten that out of our systems. We were so immature for so long.

You do know he loves his child? It is just that he is still young and also wants to continue is fun.. Being a parent takes a lot of work. Emotionally as well as physically.

I know you feel different because you have been with this baby all the way through pregnancy.. and of course giving birth. Are you breast feeding? Do you stay home with the baby? Your connection as a mother is just different.

Many Men, do not really get into children until the children are a bit older. It may be that your BF is afraid of doing things the wrong way. Bores easily and since the baby does not do much at this point, he does not get why sitting at home while your child sleeps or just lays there is such a big deal.

You and I know.. this is a magical time.. He just does not get it.

Communication is a great thing. When you do speak with him, use words like, I need....., I was hoping..... I wanted to.. I have planned..

And do this not last minute or on the day itself.. Give him a heads up and learn to compromise. This is not a game of I win, you will do what I say. want.. need.. Instead as, "What do you have planned?", "I was thinking for fathers Day..."

Hang in there. It takes a lot of effort to be a couple, to be parents and to be able to convey your needs and message.

Give your baby a hug for me. Sniff the babies head.. I love that smell..

Honey, he wasn't ready to be a father. He's not even really a man. He's BARELY out of teenhood. He doesn't "understand" because he's not interested in domesticity or marriage or fatherhood.

What's done is done. You have a child tied to you for the rest of your days. Just because you stepped up and grew up enough to be a mother after getting pregnant doesn't mean that he'll follow suit. It would be nice. But it doesn't look like it. The acting weird and going out is most probably the beginning of him walking away from you.

This is proof in the pudding that he is too young to be tied down and a father. Will he outgrow this? I have no idea. If you two are living together, you're going to need to prepare for if he leaves you. You better have your own bank account and have money in it and you will need to go to a lawyer if he leaves in order to get child support. I hope you have a job. You need a job.

I wish you a lot of luck.

Some do, some don't.

Father's Day, some don't see it as they should spend the day with their offspring. Some see it as 'it's my day, I should get to spend it how I want'. Especially when the baby is young and can't do anything. My hubby once said, I wish they would jump to 3y old so we could go fishing or something.

Well, you're the one that chose to have the baby, right? Did he get a say?
(not trying to be mean, just stating what I've heard. Especially when unplanned pregnancies are involved.)

Is there a lot of stress and pressure about paying rent, and buying diapers, and formula, and clothes, and doctor appts ... wait, of course there is, you have a kid! These are very common and they don't go away, but guess what, he can, because again, you are the one with the kid.

My suggestion is to
- cut back on stating the obvious. When things are needed for the house, write it on one of 2 lists. Stuff that is needed today, stuff that can wait for the next grocery run. The 'today' list should be taken by whomever is going out that day.
- as for what the baby 'needs', babies NEED diapers, formula if not being breastfed, some clothing, and wipes. Don't waste money on the frills.
- don't know if you use name brand diapers or store brand. Most are the same quality. Find an inexpensive version that works well for you. That shows that you are trying to save money and ease the stress.
- search the web for sales and coupons. Again, it shows you are trying to help.
- don't make every conversation about the baby and what the baby needs. you did use to talk about different things, right?
- has your appearance changed since being pregnant? of course it has. Do you lounge around most days or do you take a shower and try to look put together? (not being mean, again, going on experience. I had semi post-pardom with my first. I literally spent 2 weeks in the same nightshirt until my husband came home one day, walked in and said 'enough', so take a shower, and don't ever wear that shirt again!)
- you need to find time for YOU to go out with friends. Not to bars and such, but to just hang out. Just because you had a baby doesn't mean you can't still hang out with friends, go shopping, go to the movies, etc. Maybe once a month or every 2 weeks.

Did you acknowledge Father's Day? Did you get him a card?

Unfortunately he is going to have to grow up and it will be on his own terms. Stop expecting him to be at home, so that your not as disappointed that he is gone. Learn to do everything yourself. It took my husband a loooong time to grow up.

He's 20 and he's male. He's not ready to be a mature adult and settle down. It's normal and it happens with women too but often they are more willing to grow-up and stop the partying to be a parent.

I can tell you it happened with me and my ex. I was 19 and he was 21 when our son was born. He wanted a little boy to go fishing with but didn't want the trouble of caring for that baby boy (although he loved him very much). I stepped up and that made his actions even more frustrating. That magnified our issues and hence he is now my ex (and I've been remarried for 15 years now).

You both need to take time for yourselves but still put the child's needs ahead of personal "fun". Calmly talk to him, not when he's planning to go out, and hopefully you can come to an understanding.

He may outgrow it. Or he may have a drinking problem and never grow up- always living selfishly, always seeking a mood swing, always escaping into himself and not being available ever no matter his age.

None of us can tell you if he will be doing this at 40 or not. My BIL does this at 40 because he is an addict.

There is a possibility that as the baby gets older, and he is able to bond with it, he will see the light, and be a good family man. But i wouldn't hold my breath. This age of infant is really stressful, and it takes a lot of mature coping skills to get through the new born stage. Not to mention the stress babies put on a healthy marriage, let alone a precarious noncommitted relationship. I'm guessing he has almost no coping skills if he is seeking to escape like this. Its sad. You should feel sad.
Are you looking for validation that he's not doing what he should be doing? Okay, yes, he sucks. But what can you change about that? He's twenty and he's not rising to the occasion. This is not about him not understanding where you are coming from. This is about him not coping well with his new life circumstance either because he can't or won't. There are no cleverly crafted words that will help him see the light; man up, or rise to the occasion.....That will have to come from him.
For the sake of your child and one less absent father in this world, I hope in time he is able to do these things (man up). But for now, he is choosing escape. One special day is the least of your concerns in the big picture that your child will likely have and absent father all together. I don't see the point in laying into him for fathers day. This problem is so much bigger.

It really sounds like he's having a hard time accepting he's a grown up and has this new life. 20 is hard for a guy, they're not legally an adult yet but here he is with a child.

I suggest that you need to adjust you're thinking so you can be a little more understanding. Of course he should pick staying with his child and you today but he's mentally fighting being an adult. It is probably still so new to him too. He might even feel overwhelmed.

A boy can make a baby but it takes a man to raise a baby. You don't have a man R., you have a boy.

He is doing what he wants because he is 20. Is it fair? No, but having a child young and not married isn't the best way to start off either. Every decision we make has a consequence to it. You grew up because you were carrying the child and you had that responsibility. He didn't so nothing in his life really changed. He could be scared and not wanting to acknowledge that his life did change when you had your baby but you can't make him be the man you want him to be. It really doesn't work that way unfortunately.

I hope you finished your education and have a job because I don't think this will end well for you and your child.

Stand your ground girl! if it bothers you tell him. if he doesn't want to spend time with you and your child then what's the point? Don't waste your precious time on someone who doesn't make you happy.