Advice on "What to Do with the Neighbor Boy..."

Seeing as you're friends with his mother, I would talk to her about it.

Also, my fiance has ADD and we both believe that it doesn't give the kid a right to slack off. He's probably just being lazy like most 9 year olds get. He wanted the money, but his mind is on the other things that he wants to get to after work so he doesn't even try to focus and rushes through it.

N.,
I think you should talk with his mom. If you are good friends, she will talk to him. She might not know what is going on. Speaking to a kid with ADD is tough and they almost always go to their mom crying and saying how awful you were to them. My advice would be to talk with his mom. You don't want to be paying someone who isn't doing a good job. Would you pay a gardner if he didn't mow the lawn? Good Luck.
N.

I have to disagree with most of the advice you have gotten so far. Personally, I feel many of the approaches suggested sound a bit too wishy-washy for the situation at hand. It would not serve this boy to dance politely around the issue or talk to his mom. What he needs is to learn that getting paid has everything to do with the quality of his work - just like in the real world. Realize that if you are giving him money for his work, then he is 'employee' and you are his 'boss'. If your work performance slacked off, would your boss talk to your mom or look around for other "less boring" jobs for you to do? Nope! And His future bosses won't either. Just be direct. Tell him you are considering finding another kid to do these jobs because he just doesn't seem to be trying anymore. Let HIM make the decision whether it is worth it to make a better effort or not. Give him a chance to improve, and tell him SPECIFICALLY what improvements you expect to see. Set a date in a week or two to reassess his efforts and let him know you will be making a decision based on his performance at that time. This situation is a perfect opportunity for him to learn about the way the world works. If you followed some of the other suggestions, he could get the message that people will be willing to accept his ADD as an excuse for slacking, or worse, that others will try to make things easier for him - and that would set him on a course for disaster. This approach might sound a bit harsher than some of the others, but there is no need to communicate anger to him. You can be kind and honest at the same time. You can tell a 9 year old that lately it isn't worth it to you to pay $2.50 and not trust that the job is done well. (By the way my 9 year old son gets 50 cents for the same task). One more thing, another way to think of this is that you are giving him a chance to be PROUD of the work he does. He can't be PROUD of himself right now, he must know he isn't doing as good of a job as he once did. By holding him to a higher standard you give him the chance to make an effort and succeed - and that is a lesson that would stick with him for years to come. Good luck!

Hi N. -
My suggestions are if you want to try and find different ways to make the work relationship better. Under the explanation of making your life more organized, perhaps you can make a checklist of everything that needs to be completed for a job and break out the $2.50 over each little task. exp: #1.kitty litter removed from box - .75 #2.kitty litter thrown in garbage = .50 #3.kitty scoop cleaned = .50 #4.new litter added = .50 #5.area swept clean = .25 This gives the boy a chart to help him follow through with the task and more concrete "rules" if he slacks on the job later. You could go further with this and print out multiple "standardized receipts" that have these tasks on them and check boxes. He fills in the dates and signs and gets paid every Friday.... This may be seem very tedious, but it will help the boy focus and be truly aware of what the job entails. And when he as where his money is - you can respond "hi _____ how are you today - remember we agreed that payday is Friday." It is sometimes so hard to respond to other people's children when they don't behave well, but we owe it to our friends and all of our children to respond in some manner that will help change the behaviour.
Good luck to you! G.

That's hard. Too bad it's not as easy as being up front about it. That will offend her. Can you tell your friend that you just don't need her sons help anymore? You can't afford it? If she asks why just tell her that you just don't need the help like you used to. I'm sure the rude behavior and sloppy work will iron out as he grows. You'd only offend her if you say something and you'll hurt his self esteem. Since he's a young boy I'd just zip it and say something that wouldn't be offensive but something you'd be comfortable saying.

Dear N.,

How refreshing to see that this young boy had taken an initiative to contact you about doing some chores in exchange for some money. It is unfortunate that he seems to be slacking in the responsibilities, but not surprising.

As difficult as it may be -- you do need to talk to him and help him to understand what your expectations on for the performance of the job and for his behavior.

Start with the positive and really reinforce his initial approach and how that was terrific that he wanted to work to make some money and that you want to continue to have him do the work, and therefore you want to help him to improve on his performance and his behavior toward you and your husband.

If you don't already have it done -- write out the specific responsibilities of taking care of the cat litter. I would say just keep it simple in a bullet format on an index card:

1) scoop out all clumps in the litter box and put in trash can
2) add about "xx" clean litter to the box to refresh
3) sweep all litter around the box with broom and dustpan
4) tie up the trash bag and carry out to the garbage can.

etc.. -- you get the idea.

Once you go over this with him perhaps tap it to the area where he can see it and remember to do all the steps when he comes over to do the litter.

Maybe also give him an incentive to follow your expectations -- if he does a good job for a month, he will receive an extra "xx" bonus (the bonus could be money, toy, mcdonald's gift certificate,...). Or maybe you surprise him with the bonus after a couple weeks just to keep him motivated.

Likewise, make sure you address the behavior. Again, keep it simple, "XX", it is not acceptable for you to talk to us in that tone." or "XX, it is not acceptable to use those words (or talk to us disrespectfully)" -- At 9, address it immediately the next time he acts disrespectfully and be firm about not having him come over to your house if it continues. (giving him a warning and an opportunity to correct the behavior). If you do terminate the work situation, make sure you let the parents know - this helps them to work with their son as well. Perhaps he will come back and apologize and continue to try -- which is definitely what we want to see the child do -- he needs to try even if he "fails".

Good luck -
S.

Having ADD is no excuse for this child to be rude. But it could explain the fact that he is slacking off. Both of my brothers were diagnosed ADHD as kids and they would sometimes do this. It is so hard for these kids to focus. I personally would be leary of telling his mother. I mean that would be hard. I would tell the kid very nicely that the litter needs to be a little better done cause it is making the kitties sad or uncomfortable etc... maybe that would work. just an idea.

Whatever you decided, I would NOT listen the the advice that you should fire him or tell him his services are no longer required by you and use the frame of mind that you are the employer and he is the employee. That this is how it works in the real world. Remember, he is 9, still a child. He will probably feel hurt and embarrassed, most children would (NOT because he has ADD). Take the ADD out of the whole equation and look at it as it is, he is a child. Children (ADD or not) can get bored so it is not useful to use that as an excuse. He will tell his mom, and she will be upset with you. Then you lose a friend, a babysitter and have a strained relationship with a neighbor. I would talk to her, he is 9 not 19... and you are not in a real workplace situation where the only real thing you have to lose is an employee (who as an adult would be expected to know he had to do his job) so don't listen to the whole "a real boss wouldn't tell a mom. You need to do what is best for you, your family and this little boy. What adults show children at a young age, can affect them forever. I would just sit with his mom and say you have noticed some changes, is anything wrong? And go from there talking to her. She is probably going to want to talk to him about his behavior and parent him herself, and appreciate that you didn't try to parent or boss him. And if not, then at least you know you did what you could and maybe the rudeness does, indeed, run in the family.

Good luck!

DEFINITELY don't listen to Patty's advice about having your 3 year old clean the litter box!!! A 3 year old can feed fish, it starts developing responsibility, but I personally think even 9 years old is too young to clean a litter box. My daughter is 9 and there is no way I would let her clean the litter box in our house!

My advice is talk to him. Remind him of his "responsibilty" to the tasks. Treat him with kindness but let him know that you are unhappy with the way he is treating his tasks and feel that he is not working up to the amount you pay him. Give him another chance after talking with him, if it continues to be poor production then you will need to address to him that he had a chance.
Sounds like a typical child with ADD. He started out a task very excited and eager to do it, and then lost the attention for it. But put it back onto him, ADD or not, he needs to learn responsibility, and this is a GREAT way for him to do it.
My other suggestion would be to make a checklist for him of his chores. As a teacher I would make a chart that all my ADD and ADHD students had to complete. I later then could go back and say "Johnny, you checked off number 9 but, look here, you did not hang up your coat." This made them look and attend to the checklist without being distracted or forgetful.
Good luck!!

N.,

Since you are friends with the boys mother, I would talk to her about it. It could be he is always this way but was more respectful in the beginning because he didn't know you very well. Now that he is feeling more comfortalbe his true self is coming out.

Or it could be that something is going on at home and he comes to your house to vent. Either way I would ask his mom if she has noticed this change and ask her how she want's you to handle it. I would also tell her if this behavior continues you will have to fire him. I think it would be best to give him a warning, give him a chance to turn it around before you fire him.

Good Luck!
L.

This is a tough one. Could you talk to the mom and just mention you don't think the little boy is doing as good a job as in the past? Maybe the mom needs to be the one to tell him to shape up or he'll lose the opportunity.

Sorry - no great advice here!!

I'm on board with the advice to talk to his Mom first. Maybe you could sit down with her and nicely ask for her advice on how to deal with him. She might appreciate the opportunity to give her two cents. You could come up with a "review" and sit him down telling him about his strong points and things he needs to work on. Maybe cut his pay a quarter for each task and tell him if he improves he can get his normal pay again. But, I really think you should talk with his Mom first, not JUST because of your friendship, but also to avoid the "he said..." "she said..." thing. Someday he may appreciate the lesson he will learn.

I would sit down and talk to his mom. I know that would be really hard as you don't want to offend anyone. I'm gonna guess she is clueless to what's going on. I would start the conversation out on a good note like.
"We really like that Billy is so willing to do chores and earn extra money. I'm a little worried though his work was top notch in the beginning and lately it's been half done or not done correctly." Maybe ask if something is bothering him.

Or just go up to the mom and say
"Is Billy still interested in doing our cat boxes etc.?" The mom will say why or whatever and then explain how things haven't been going well and that maybe he's not interested in doing it.

Well, I understand that knowing and being friends with the mom is perhaps making this difficult. And also your sympathy that the boy has ADD. However, I don't think you are doing him any favors by letting him think this behavior is somehow acceptable. Granted, he is 9 yrs old - but maybe he is bored with doing these jobs and just doesn't know how to properly express that, so is lashing out instead. I think there is a loving way to ask him - or his mom, or both at the same time - what is going on? Are you bored with doing this, do you want to stop? There are other odd jobs I'm sure he could do. Or maybe he is off his meds, other stress in his life, etc, that he needs a loving adult to help him through. You need to say something, and as long as you are loving while saying it - instead of angry, accusing, etc - I don't see how either of them could think it wrong of you. And, if the mom really is a friend of yours, I think she'll see your point of view as well.

Good luck,
T.

My son has ADD, but we don't use that as a excuse for bad behavior or being rude to people. He still needs to learn to have respect. I would have a serious talk with MOM and tell her why your not allowing her son to keep taking advantage of your aggrement. I am sure she wouldn't want to allow her son to be so disrespectful and would be understanding in your choice.
Hope everything works out with your friendship, but that boy needs to be taught thats not ok :)

Nicloe,

You should in no way feel bad about this.

Here is what I would do, first talk to the mom (your friend) let her know what is going on and how you are feeling. Be honest, If you don't this may put a wedge between you.

Then instead of firing him start with a lay off for 30 days. let him know that after the 30 days if this kind of behavior continues he will no longer have the job. $5.00 per week is a lot of money to a 9 year old. maybe once he is not getting it things will change. If he continues the behavior after the 30 re-call fire him. this way you will have given him a "LAST" chance and laid it out for his mom. also, you will know that at least you tried, but it didn't work out. Don't let him use ADD as a crutch, I feel that if he learns to use it that way now he will do it his entire life. He MUST learn to deal with it, not expect to be able to act like this.

Hi, N. You are only responsible for your own family. If you feel he is slacking and is rude, regardless if he has ADD or not it doesn't mean he can not learn to respect others or the job he does. If the mother is watching your daughter I would be concerned what is going on their as well.If she knows of the illness she should be teaching him and watching him do the job until he can do it himself. If that is so I would not trust my new baby around either of them. Good Luck! G..

I wouldn't say anything to his mom yet. The last thing he needs is her nagging him about it. I would just ask him if he is enjoying his new job and remind him that anytime he decides he doesn't like doing anymore he is more than welcome to stop. Maybe he's trying to get fired because he doesn't think he can just quit. This might give him an out.
Just tell him that if he wants to get paid for it he has to make sure that he's doing everything he is being paid to do. Then I would go over it with him again. I would also put up a sheet that lists the steps right next to the cat box so he can look at it each time and make sure he's done it all.
Then if he still isn't doing it right I would talk to his Mom and have her talk to him and see if maybe it's something he just doesn't want to do anymore but is afraid to tell you. Kids get real enthusiastic to do things but get burned out real quick.
I would definitely make sure he's doing it right though. That's a lot of money for nothing!
About his rude behavoir, I would just say something in response to what he says. If he asks for his money rudely I would say "excuse me, I only hear nice talk and manners". When he commented about your DH being lazy I would say, "telling your boss that he's lazy is one way to get fired", and then laugh jokingly. If it gets worse then I'd get more stern about it but just a hint that it's not ok might work for now.
Otherwise just mention to your friend that it's getting a little expensive for something that you can do so easily yourself and just ask that he feed the fish when you are gone. Either that or throw your husband under the bus and tell her that HE thinks it's too much money ;o)
Good luck,
J.

I think you have an opportunity to teach this boy about good work habits if you address the problem and let him know what the consequences are for rude behavior and poor quality work. Because he is only 9, his parents should be involved with this - maybe have his mom there when you speak to him about his job performance, and also talk to her beforehand so that she can be involved in finding a solution to this.

Like another poster mentioned, you are his employer and he is your employee. I think that it would be fair to give him a warning about his job performance, specifically lay out the things that he needs to do (maybe even write them down), and then give him one more opportunity to show you that he can do the job without needing constant supervision and corrections. Also let him know what the consequences are for going back to this poor performance - does he get one more warning? Do you fire him on the spot? If he chooses not to do the job to your specifications, he's basically giving you the message that he doesn't care to keep the job and you should follow through with ending his employment with you.

Good luck with this. I guess I'd hope for the best in this situation (ie, he sees the light and starts doing a better job) but I'd also prepare for the possibility that he might not be willing to change his behavior. It's a tough lesson to learn, but he'll learn far more from getting canned for bad behavior than from getting paid to do subpar work.

I'd talk to his mom first and then give him a "warning" or fire him. He is learning that it's okay to slack off and be disrespectful and still get paid. ADD kids need boundaries... strict boundaries... and he's testing (and winning). That's my thought anyway. Good luck. Your friend should understand what is happening if you tell her about it first... and she may be able to help, as well.

I would say talk to his mom and dad and let them know what is going on and see if they want to handle it or if they want you to say something good luck

even though you are friends w/ his mom, there is a politee way to bring it up. Ask her how he is doing, how the ADD is going..start the conversation on him positively and ask her advice on how she gets his respect at home. Shes not gonna get mad and refuse to watch yur daughter...she lives with him...she knows how difficult he can be

Hi-
My suggestion would be the next time you go to pay him, let him know that unless his work passes inspection, he'll not get paid next time. That is how it works in the real world. He is totally taking advantage of you by the way...$2.50 for less than 5 minutes worth of work? That's a really great hourly wage.