Advice on What to Do for Grieving Family Member

There are support groups through the hospital that she and her husband can find on there own. They will have to deal emotionally but it is never bad to offer support. Flowers and a card are a good start but better than that bring a meal offer support in a real way. Provide a cleaning lady whenever she needs it or go do laundry for her. This is a real loss and unless they want to not talk about it you should say how you feel, being direct is the best way and finding a way to show real support.

K.

Hi J.,

This is a tuff situation. Each person grieves differently. I find it usually helps to turn to God for help and tap into their faith. Are you familiar with the Footprints Poem? Your local religious bookstore may have a religious card with it or a small wall hanging you could give as a reminder that their baby is with God, safe, happy, healthy and in a wonderful place. God is supporting them always, they are never alone. I would send a card like once a month or something just to let them know you are thinking of them. Also, be available for your sister if she wants to talk or not, if she needs a hug, someone to cry to, go to a movie with, etc. She probably doesn't know what she needs either. God needed her baby back for whatever reason and she will be together again someday.

J.

I had a miscarriage a few months ago and I didn't want anyone to be around. I think if someone had sent me flowers or a card it would probably make it worse. It was had enough going through it, but I think a reminder would make it even worse. That's just how I felt.

Check out www.babylosscomfort.com. Hopefully, you will find this website helpful.
Good luck,
A.

Hi:) I'm sorry for your family's loss. I'd go with a meal and a quick "I'm here for you but won't stay unless you need me to. Call when and if you want to talk." I'm guessing she's not answering the phone if she doesn't want to talk, so call and leave a message that you are there any time.
Unless the baby needs to be extracted, it's not uncommon for the hospital to let a mother go home and deal with the miscarriage on her own if that's what she wants. Hospitals can be so impersonal that being in the comfort of your own home can be a relief in such a devistating time.
Good luck with it all.

my cousin, who is like a sister to me, and her husband went thru a miscarriage not too long ago and everyone gave them love and prayers. it is a hard thing to go thru but once they are receiving visitors, offer to cook a meal or some kind of nice gesture is a welcomed way to show that you are there for them at a very difficult time.

I also went through this and I have to say everyone deals with this experience or any grief situation differently. What is great for one mom is not good at all for another. I can only speak of my reaction and how I would have wanted to have others react to the situation. This is not necessarily how anyone else would. I "miscarried" (they still call it a miscarriage at 3-4 months and will not stop the late onset at all, usually they try to help it along if its already looking bad) on February 27th of this year and it was very devastating for me. My husband did not know how to deal with it and he really felt bad but didn't know how to react that well. Emotionally he was not feeling the loss I did so that was a little hard for me to deal with. When I lost the baby I never saw it because it fell into the toilet (I felt it coming out so ran to the bathroom) and all I could see was an ocean of blood. I just stood there and cried and cried. I called my midwife back to confirm I lost the baby and then also called my aunt whom I had confided in that I was pregnant (I had been showing a bit but covered it with a lot of loose clothes) and who knew I was experiencing this situation. She told me she had had a similiar experience and that no one but her husband had known about it too. That was reassuring. Also, I had to go in the following day to my midwife and the hospital and I cried like a baby. But...after that week of "mourning" the loss I decided it was part of a greater plan and I would get pregnant again soon. Sure enough I was pregnant by the end of that month and never looked back. I know it was truly truly a blessing to get pregnant right away afterwards and I thank G-d every second of every day. The reason why I share my story is to let you know that whether I would get pregnant then or much later I decided that I did not want anyone else knowing about it or talking about it. I just wanted to close that chapter. It was painful but it was over. In my mind, it was my child but it also was not a formed child and it was not meant to enter this world. Losing a child that early in the process is just not the same to me as G-d forbid really losing a child. i have had a very hard time dealing with death in the past but for some reason I just had the attitude of "it is time to move on and get over it." That doesn't work for everyone.

In regard to how to deal with her anguish, I would just lay low. If you want give her a card with some meaningful words or maybe just leave her a message saying, "I'm here for you if you need me but I don't want to push you either way."

Good luck with dealing with them and hope they are blessed with another child in the right time. She should hang in there - it'll be okay.

J.,
I experience 4 miscarriages (all before 13 weeks) back about 10 years ago. I did have people send me flowers, which I appreciated. My neighbor recently had a miscarriage as well and I made a meal for her and her husband because I remember when I was recovering from my D&C and all the emotional feelings surrounding the miscarriage, fixing dinner was the last thing I wanted to do. But that was me. She seemed to appreciate it.
I would respect their wishes to be left alone, they need time to grieve and process the whole thing. But sending a card letting them know you are concerned and thinking about them would be nice. Let them talk when they are ready. Everybody has a different way of getting through grief.
Just letting them know you are there if they need them would be most appropriate.

I just had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and while everyone meant well by sending flowers and calling it just made it so much worse and I would start crying everytime. Since they have requested the time alone just respect that and they will contact everyone when they are ready.

I would send a "Thinking of You" card just to let them know that you are thinking of them and to let them know if they need anything at all you are ready and available to help.

That was the most comforting for me. I hope this helps.

Hi J.!

I know that most people in your position don't know what to say or do. It's even hard for those who have miscarried themselves. My best advice to you is to remember that everyone deals with this situation differently so just try to be very sensitive - advice is not always welcomed. I know people who mean well will say things like you can always try again, it wasn't meant to be etc... very positive things, but all mothers who have just miscarried don't necessarily want to hear those kinds of things. The best thing you can do is to let her know you are there for her and ask her if she needs anything. Be very general until you get any signals from her that she wants to talk. And then, just listen. It's a touchy situation I know, but even if it feels like you're doing nothing, she will appreciate your giving her space but still being available to her. I hope all works out.

I'm sorry to hear of your familys loss. It is a hard thing for a couple to loose a child. Your compassion will go a long way. Rarely will any compassionate deed or word be inappropriate. A simple bouquet of flowers with a note that says "I'm thinking of you" is appreciated. Sometimes in the beginning it is hard to talk on the phone or in person as there is so much physically/emotionally to deal with. In fact, I'm sure there were some people that I 'ignored' in the week or two after. For me, what was most important is how I was treated over time. The occasional 'how are you doing?', 'do you want to talk' etc., especially from people who had been there, meant a lot. Not that if you hadn't been there that it wasn't appreciated because it was. There were friends who asked about how we were doing several months down the line. They didn't know that it was the babys due date. It comforted me on that day and I appreciated their compassion.

Hi J.,

I miscarried in January 2006. I 'thought' I was 1.5 months along only to find out with my first ultrasound (my husband's b-day) that there was no heartbeat. I had something called a missed abortion (no fetus at all...just your body 'thinking' you are pregnant...weird). I had to go home and wait a week to make sure there wasn't a mistake. That was hard enough...waiting. When I went back, they scheduled me for a D&C immediately. As for what you can do...give them time. I know I needed it. I couldn't help but to feel what did I do wrong for this to happen. A nice card would be good. My own personal opinion and from experience...although I know people that sent me flowers meant well, but everytime I looked at them...it reminded me of the baby that never was. Just listen to what they have to say. You can maybe say that by miscarrying, it's God's way (and her body) of saying something just wasn't right. That's what held me together. After my recovery...we got pregnant on our first try and celebrated our daughter's 1st b-day last weekend. It makes her a little more special too.

I haven't been through something like this, but since you are sisters, I would probably call first and see if she would like you to come over and just talk. If she says she would, then by all means go, even if she doesn't want to talk, maybe just cry together. If she says she needs more time, make sure that she understands that if you don't hear from her in a few days, you will call again to see how she is. Don't push too hard, but I bet she would really like to be able to share this with you.
I hope this helps a little bit. I feel that this is what I would do if I was in your situation.

I second what most are saying here - and would add, let her talk or not and follow her lead. If she seems anxious/enthusiastic to get pregnant again be encouraging... if she doesn't mention it DON"T! I lost one baby at 8 weeks several years ago, and lost my second son when he was born at 20 weeks... I felt VERY different about those loses. My second son lived for 3 hours and so I wanted to be sure that people knew he existed, had a name, etc. It was not the same with my first loss... with that one I literally grafted on to the mantra, "At least I know we can get pregnant!" Not how everyone would feel, but yet another alternative. : )
Sure, send a card letting them know you are thinking of them, give them some time and then maybe fix a dinner or call and tell her you'd like to take her out for coffee or a manicure or something like that (be specific... after reading and talking with many grieving parents I have found that universally the offer of "call if you need anything" is unaccepted though often there are things needed... they are just not comfrtoable calling to ask... so be specific if you are going to offer something).
They are lucky to have someone like you who cares about not saying/doing insensitive things - THANKS!