Advice on Teenager

Hello J.,
well let me sat this It's a reason why he don't want to go. You wonder about an teenager that don't want to go out of state.Have you ask him if he would like to take a friend or another family member with him thats about his age? If I were you I wouldn't not leave him at home by himself I know you said that he's a good boy but don't give him the chance as of yet to do what he wants to do.

Make them both go on a family trip together even though they have probably been on one before. Being with family, even though at short times will show them how much just a little time anywhere will be beneficial. And sixteen just seems a little young for 10 days gone.

He might be just fine, it would be other kids that might know he is alone that you have to worry about. Never in a million years would I leave him alone for that length of time. That is a long time for a 16 year old to be without supervision.

I think it sounds like a bad idea. I am 24 now, but I still remember those days very clearly. Good kid or not, every kid is very capable (and often times does) make very bad decisions. And too often I'm sure in his group of friends there is probably a bad apple somewhere just waiting to coerce him into taking advantage of the fact that there are no parents at home. I think especially for the amount of time you will be away it sounds like trouble.

Well J.,
I have a 17 year old too. And I was not too long ago given the opportunity to take a trip overseas at the start of May. Not that I wanted to go in the first place, but there are too many factors involved. But NEVER have I left my kids home on their own for extended periods of time. And evening isn't a big deal. But to take a vacation....no. One, I'd be suspicious of 'Why?'. But what else are they planning on doing? Eating properly?

May is my 17 year old's last stretch of high school and he doesn't need the stress of having to run the household on his own. My family's an hour away. My mother in law is overseas.

So I'm with you on this one. If there a thought to party while you're gone, you're going to be held responsible for any illegalities that go on and they'd get busted for.

You are still the parent. I'd simply say that if he isn't going someone has to stay home with him. 16 is not mature enough. Sorry but you and I have both been 16 and we know that there's always the temptation of acting like a grown up.

You and your husband need to come to an agreement on this issue. However, 10 days is a long time for anyone to be alone, especially if family is not near. If the time away was much shorter, than maybe. We tend to focus on family time, when we can, and your son will grow up and be "gone" before you know it and not on your family trips. J., I wish you the best in this decision.

J.

I am a mother of one and a grandmother of two girls, one 22 and one 19. As they got older and confided in me, I found out the quiet one was the one who partied alot more than the outgoing one. I'm not saying your son does, but it is always food for thought. I would allow him to forgo the vacation, but only if he stayed with a friend whose parents you trusted. I did this once and I bought several gift certificates to restaurants as a reward for the parents because they refused to take any money. I gave them the gifts before we left and they used them all. Make sure your son has a phone so you can call him when ever you want. Sixteen is a very confusing age, but in the end I am sure in your heart you will know what to do.

SusieQ

Where are you going?? I find it best to have my kids be involved with planning the vacation so they get just as excited about the trip as I am. Afterall, it is a family vacation. I would not leave him alone.

Even a good kid can be tempted into doing things that are wrong. If he got hurt, he would need an adult, someone over 18, to okay any treatment. Legally I don't think a 16 year old is to be at home by themselves for that long and maybe even 24 hours.

Personally I would not feel comfortable and be able to enjoy myself if I was away on vacation while my 16 year old was home by himself.

Is there a friend's family he can stay with?

M.

Bad kids were "good kids" before they did something really stupid.
A 16 year old is a 'Kid' in an immature , grown up looking body .
He can learn to be co-operative ,giving ,tolerant of your wishes and that sometimes we just have to make the best of a given situation.
Tell him that you love and trust him ,but that you want him to go with you and continue to be part of the family .

Give your child the opportunity to learn, make wonderful family memories, bond with Mom and Dad (perhaps for the last family vacation together)
If he doesnt want to go , you may experience some "attitude"
I say ignore most of it.( It should be noted that disrespect is not acceptable)
He has to know that there will always be times when we have to do things, and be places we would really prefer not to be -but that at the time it is the right thing to do .
You will not have your son with you and under your influence for much longer , use this time to be the example of the parent that you hope he will be one day.

You will know when it's the "right" time to leave your child alone. In the meantime I would simply let him know that you would worry too much about him and he needs to go on the family vacation with you. Is it possible for him to invite a friend? C.

I would not recommend leaving him that long. If it was a weekend it would be fine unless you work something out with some of his friends parents to check in on him and your neighbors. Do you have good nneighbors to keep an eye on him. I have 3 children and they are now in their 20's. and what I have seen and gone through and my children were like he was at that age but when kids find out your gone things tend to change a little no matter how quiet he is. I still think at 16 almost 17 he needs to be with the family - let him invite a friend to be with you on vacation if it makes it easier for you and him. Its really a hard decision but if something happens while your gone you can't change that. Kids are kids and no matter how good of a kid he is things happen and 10 days is way too long. Best to you and your family.

Family vacation without the whole family? You all work hard all year doing what each of you needs to do - work, school, etc This is an opportunity to relax and have fun together. I would explain that as part of the family, he shares in the work and needs to take part in the relaxation as well.

If you leave him home, lock up the breakables!! There WILL be a party in your house! My sister and I were both as you describe your son. We were left home and had a party. It did not get out of control but when you have 15-20 teenagers in a house something is going to get broken.
You can lay down the rules but he's 16 and alone in a house for 10 days. Whatelse is there to do?

I personally wouldn't leave my son home, but every kid is different. Go with your gut. Good luck, I dread the vacation when my now 13 year old wants to stay home alone!

He should go on your family vacation! Add some stuff he'll like and eventually he'll either get on board or have a really boring week!

I would say this is a family vacation and that means the whole family needs to go? at 16 he probably would be fine especially if you have close neighbors to keep on eye on him. To deter him from having a party or something like that? My concern as a mother would be he is almost 17 he will be going off to college soon and starting a life of his own there are not to many more family vacation left that you be taking as a whole family. Enjoy what little time you have left in this phase. My nephew just turned 18. He is a senior in High school and will be going off to join the marines this summer. So his family is trying to take family vacation that they will enjoy until that time. Good luck
M.

hey J.,

i have to agree with the previous comment. 16 is a very tough age, even for boys, when it comes to peer pressure. i also don't doubt he is a good boy and i am sure that he wouldn't intentionally do anything damaging. however, 16 year olds aren't even neurologically mature at that point and the concept of abstract consequences can be beyond them at times.

i think your husband, having been a teenaged boy, is underestimating potential difficulties. we weren't raised with as many dangerous choices as the teens in this generation face. in my opinion, 10 days is way too long. i know it is borderline in terms of his age.

perhaps if you include a friend of his. or perhaps, depending on where you are going, he could research the destination and find an activity or something he can do, to make the prospect more interesting. also, you can remind him that this may be the last family vaca before he graduates, turns 18, etc...and that alone will make it very special for you all, especially for his little sister.

have fun and best of luck

S.

J.

When I was 18 I opted to not go on the family vacation and now I regret it. They obviously had a good time and I just stayed home to work and make money. The money I made was not worth missing the memories (that they still talk about) that were made with the rest of my family.

I would guess that if he went after he got over the fact he didn't get his way, or his disappointment he would have fun, and be glad he was with you guys.

Hi there. just thought you might want to know this, most people don't. It is actually agaisnt the law for our under 18 year old teens to stay alone at night for a lengthy period. 16 and under are not allowed by law to be left over night at all. I hope this helps you. It helped me. My brother in law works for the state and when that problem came up with us I found that out real quick, it works.
I went through some of the other advice info. One said that 16 year olds are allowed because of becoming parents and such. That is true but only IF you are a parent, those that are not parents are not allowed. The parent status puts you in a different category.

J.,
I am 53 years old now and can only tell you what happened to me when my siblings and I stayed home alone. I was the youngest of the three of us (about 16 at the time). My older brother decided to have a few friends over so I invited 5 friends over also. Well, being in high school, the news traveled fast and over 200 showed up! I had no control over it. Alot of the kids I didn't even know so they didn't care about me getting in trouble at all! Eventually the cops came and made everyone leave (I was actually relieved except for the fact that my mother worked in the same building as the police). Needless to say she found out. I was a very good student, quiet and never got into trouble but kids in a high school have a way of finding out where the houses are that the parents are not home.
Ten days is a long time to leave a 16 yr old alone no matter how mature he is.
Good luck.

I say make him go. Its a family vacation. He will be thankful later. :)

Does your husband really think he's going to sit at home, watch TV and build model airplanes?? Get real. I've been through this, and I can tell you that even the BEST kid will get into mischief while his parents are away. Even if he's not so inclined, his friends will goad him into it. There WILL be parties at your house. There WILL be drinking (they manage to get it somehow). If you force your son to go with you he may be miserable and sullen, but after a couple of days he probably will actually enjoy himself. If you do decide to NOT make him go, my advice is to see if the parents of one of his friends would be willing to let him stay with them for the 10 days. That way there is at least some adult supervision and some accountability.

I was a good kid too..but I did things my parents never knew about that would have appalled them!
.
I would first suggest he go on the family vacation. It is a FAMILY vacation and I strongly believe that families need to promote togetherness. I'm sure he has plenty of other times when he is on his own and can do his own thing. But, he's still a kid.

Second, if you allow him to not go... needs to stay with someone.. friends or family where there WILL be adult superivision.

Too many things can go wrong if he is on his own. It is possible the entire 10 days would pass uneventfully...but I just wouldn't take that chance.

Remember... you are still the parent. He isn't an adult yet!

J.,
Your son is too young to be alone for 10 days. It would be better if he stays with a friend or family member that you can trust. Anything can happen and he is not equipped enough to know what to do. I have heard of many great kids that are left alone and there is regret later. He is a teenager not an adult. I have a 25 y/o daughter and when she was 17 vacations with the family was over but she stayed with her godparents whenever we went away. Please don't leave him alone.
V.

No Way! Have your husband think back to when he was his sons age and maybe he will change his mind. The world is alot different now then when you guys where his age. Its also called a family vacation for a reason. Bring him I am sure he can find something he can do.

Hello J., If your son is truly trustworthy then try to arrange a neighbor or friend to come by and check up on him. Making sure that he is were he says he is, and that no house parties are taking place. (He is a teenager). If there is nobody who can do this, than I wouldn't leave him alone for that long of a time, it would be asking for trouble. If he has a royal fit about being watched, then that would be a red flag that he is up to something that he doesn't want you to know about. Hope you find a solution to this. Have a good vacation. S.

I agree with you. Have you left him alone on some weekend yet. my parents woud leave me 9 I had to work0 and go to the lake on weekends when i was that age but we lived in a small town and everyone knew our family and watched out.

No matter how good a kid he is, the opportunity to misbahave is more present when there are no parents around. especailly for 10 days. I would find out why he doesn't want to go. Maybe give him some responsibility for palnning parts of the vacation. Things to see, restaurants to go to, etc. Once he feels "part of the team" he'll be happier about going. Also, assure him that he might be able to have some free time on the trip (within reason) as it is away from home.

I would probably make him go. Not because I'd worry about him getting into trouble, but I think family vacations are such a great way to bond with your kids and it really creates lasting memories. I wasn't always thrilled with the vacations my parents choose, but I had to go and those are some the times we remember most when we get together. Maybe if you can do things he would really enjoy a couple days, he would be more willing.

I have to agree w/ the majority - he should go with you. There's too much peer pressure in his world, and you don't want him to do something he will regret forever. How can you realistically expect him to say know to a bunch of friends who will ridicule him if he doesn't want to host a party? They don't care about his future - you do. Try to get him involved in the planning process, and choose some activities that appeal to him, to raise his enthusiasm level. If this is a driving trip, and he has his learner's permit, figure out when he can practice his driving skills. If you can afford, it, allow him to take a friend. I have a friend who has a son & step-son who are just a bit older, and when they were at the "I'm too cool to hang with my family" stage, she and her husband let them take a friend so they would have someone to hang out with, and this worked fabulously for them.
It sounds like you have done a great job raising him so far, and I think your mom instincts are right on.

Hi J.,

I agree with the other posters. 16 is way to young to be left at home by himself for 10 full days. Now I would consider testing him with a weekend and then build it up from there as long as he does what you ask... But even if he's still living with you at 18, it still doesn't mean he's old enough to stay at home by himself for that length of time. Kids seem to think that if the law considers them adults that they are, which I don't agree with, all you have to do is watch the news and read the paper. Go with you gut instinct. Plus if your not comfortable with this, how do you think your going to do while on vacation, your going to be miserable worrying about him at home alone and what "might" happen.
I've always believed my house my rules, I don't care if your 27 living at home. When you want to make all your own decisions then it's time to move out and do that on your own.
JMHOP!
Good Luck!
J. in MI

I was a really good kid too but I still did a lot of things that my parents had no idea about. I would make him go on the family vacation. Why wouldn't he want to go in the first place? That is 10 days that you guys are going to be able to spend quality time together. 10 days is a long time for a teenager to be on their own unsupervised.

I think the question you should ask yourself is 'do I want my house trashed?' Because chances are he is going to have a party if you go away. If you do decide to leave him home, be sure to ask several neighbors to keep an eye on the house and any watch for any 'suspicious' activity, like 20 cars in the driveway.

I would let him stay home! Consider it a great chance to test him to see if he can be trusted. He is definately old enough to take care of himself and you said there's friends close by. So talk to your son and let them know one of your friends is going to be the check in person. And that they are available should he need them. If he blows it and does something stupid, he'll have to face the consequences. You said he is a well behaved kid. And letting him fend for himself for a week could really boost his self esteem. I agree with your husband. Let him try. He's a big boy. I know it won't be easy, but it sounds like he can handle it.

NO WAY!
Have him go stay at one of his friends house, where there will be parents.
I'm 28 but I still remember what I did when I was 17, and I was a good kid, good grades, didn't get in trouble...but boy o boy would my parents be ticked off it they knew some of the stuff i did ;)

IMO....I'd say that "family vacation" means family.... And until he's 18 you are the boss. I would be hesitant to leave my child in my home without someone to check on him, like a grandma that would come over EVERY night to sit and watch wheel of fortune with him. lol Keep the partys at bay... Things happen. It doesn't matter how good YOUR child is, word gets out thru the friend vine that no 'rents are home and all of a sudden others show up and who knows what happens on your property.
You say he's a good kid, I don't doubt that or else hubby wouldnot say its ok.... Has he stayed at home alone before.. Like for a weekend or so? I think 10 days is a long time for the first time... Talk to hubby tell him YOUR feelings and then say, YOU HAVE THE FINAL SAY... and no matter what his choice is, PRAY!!!

I don't care how awesome your son is. Do not leave him alone while you go out of town! Talk to anyone involved in the juvenile justice system in upscale areas. This is a recipe for disaster. Dads often don't seem to have good instincts about this stuff but moms usually do. It's not just your kid. It's their friends who are on the lookout for a parent-free home. Even if nothing happens, your son will miss the vacation which he needs with his family and he may very well feel abandoned and depressed alone for so long. I am a retired social worker who worked with teens, have 4 grown kids, 2 grown grandsons and 6 teen grandkids. I had a juvenile judge tell a class I was in that the best advice she could give to parents of teens is "never go out of town!" Did you ever see the Bill Cosby episode where Theo's friends passed the word that his folks were away and 200 kids came and wrecked the house? Even really good, quiet teens need supervision, support, and present parents nearly all the time. Adolescents are risk-takers by nature and they lack wisdom. Even adults do crazy things. Please, please, go with your gut on this one. At this age, I cried & begged to stay home so I could be near my boyfriend. It turned out that was one of the few times I got to see my "away" grandparents and the only trip to Florida I've had in my whole life. I had a ball with my parents & siblings, and have wonderful memories of it. The boyfriend - I divorced him years later after a horrendous marriage. Your son needs to build memories and a solid relationship with his family before he enters the adult world. This is what vacations are all about! Don't let him bamboozle you into a bad choice! Adolescents do NOT know what is best for them!! G. B.

Hi J.--My heart did a flip when I read your request, so I know I cannot ignore it! We gave in to our older son's request to stay home from a church camping trip so he could go to work. When we returned after the weekend outing, we were greeted with the news that he and 3 other boys were caught doing something they shouldn't be doing and were arrested. The experience was devastating, and although his record has been expunged, I think his self worth had been forever ruined. It's not worth the possibility of a life ruined just to let your son have his way! He will be gone from home soon enough, so put up with his whining and take him with you...he will probably thank you for it years down the road!
God bless you, J.

J.,

Ten days is a long time. A 16, almost 17, year old may seem close to grown, but they're no where near it. When my daughters were 15 and 17, I forced them to go with me on a long driving vacation down Route 66. They moaned and groaned until I wanted to scream, throw up my hands and say forget it. But I made them go. They are 21 and 18 now and still talk about the wonderful time they had.

More importantly, he is close to adulthood and there are going to be fewer and fewer opportunities for experiences like this as a family. College, jobs, relationships are right around the corner.

I know that it's so hard not to give in when a teen is pressuring you. They are relentless. Put your foot down and let him pout and gripe, but make him go.

You have a lot of support here. Stand strong, we're behind you.

Have a great time,
L.

ohhhh man! Well I would have him stay with friends (talk to a parent) OR go with you on the FAMILY vacation! If something were to happen you would never forgive yourself!! Like someone else said accidents happen and he is just too young to be at home for that long while you are gone that far away!!
Hope alll goes well!

He has good grades and stays out of trouble for a reason--because he has been supervised!! He is too young to be left unsupervised for that lenght of time--teens get borred and bad things happen(drugs, drinking, sex...).

And I agree with the other Mom family trips are for the whole family!

I say NO WAY!

A child under 18 should never be left home alone for 10 days. Overnight, yes. Ten days. Absolutely not!

Linda C is right. In the state of Michigan you can leave a 16 year old home alone. You can even leave a 12 year old home alone overnight. The state's protective services will tell you that certain children at certain ages are able to be alone for a few hours to all night, even a couple of days. A lot of it does depend on the age and how mature that child is. There was a time when I had to leave 3 boys, ages 12, 12 and 9 home alone all day all summer long while I worked. Sometimes the 9 year old was home alone because the other two were gone with grandparents. I was a single mom and called CPS to find out what the laws were. My boys are 2 weeks shy of 17. I would leave them home alone for a weekend, but I don't think I would for more than 4 nights and I would have someone stopping in, I have that luxury.

If I was in your shoes - based on my boys of the same age, if he could come up with at least 2 or 3 places he could stay a night or two at a time - places you can call, being home once in a while and having those parents looking in or him checking in I would consider it. I would tell him that he won't know who or when he's going to be checked on. You also have to be concerned with the fact that you don't want your house to look predictably unattended in case of a break in. Have your newspaper and your mail stopped while you are gone if no one is going to pick it up. My mother has a box on her porch for packages and mail that looks like a bench - nothing piles up. If he's going to be home, clear your computer's history files and your caller ID list so when you get home you know who he's called and where he's been on the internet. I intalled a keylogger on my computer to find out what the kids talk about. I don't check it hardly at all now because I have found my kids are trustworthy. I paid for my keylogger, I found it through the Polly Klaas Foundation.

You might want to let him bring a friend. If we can make it work, we usually let our daughter bring a friend. It allows us to get to know her friends better and she has more fun as well.

If that is not possible, you might want to hire someone to stay at the house and keep on eye on things. We too live far from family and recently were faced with a similar situation, but for a long weekend. Unfortunately the majority of my neighbors were headed out of town as well, so we hired someone to stay at the house at night.

My daughter is also a responsible teen and good student, but to give us piece of mind, we hired a person to stay the night and be available in case of an emergency. She was on her own during the day, unless she needed something, but at night the person we hired would come and stay. It allowed us to enjoy our vacation.

It's a FAMILY vacation. It isn't a choice, it is a requirement. I was a good kid, great grades, etc., but I did stuff that my parents didn't know about when they left me home on the weekends. Usually curfew issues, but still. If something really bad happened (accidents happen), I don't think a 16 year old is equipped to handle it properly. Out of state is just WAY to far to leave a child for 10 days.

Even if your son is "on the quiet side" it is the "friends" of friends, that you have to worry about. Once the word gets out that he is home alone the word will spread. What if one of his friends family was out of town and your son was at their house unsupervised? I know I would not like that. Maybe he could stay at a friends house and go back and forth from both houses - during the day at your house and then at nite come back to the friends. I could see a weekend home alone, but 10 days is a long time!

Hi J.,

In my opinion I would have him go with you. After all it is a "Family Vacation". Not only will you feel more comfortable and connected your son probably needs you to make him go. Kids need direction at this age. Plus he will get to go some where he hasn't been before. Do some things he would enjoy. Also a week is too long (no matter how mature) for a child that age to be alone. No matter how good he is the temptation is always there. FYI: I am not a strict parent. I have two daughters 13 and 11 and numerous nephews that are in their late teens and early 20's and this sounds so familiar. Good Luck!!! I also agree with Kara P.

Mother T.

I remember my parent's left me home for a week when I was about his age. I had to get myself up for school feed the dogs, get them out and also feed our horses. I was a quiet type as well, so they didn't worry that I'd have a party or something. To make it more interesting for you ladies I am totally blind since birth.My neighbors and our friends knew I was on my own in case I had to call for anything. It's all in how mature you think he is and how much you can trust him to do what needs doing while you're away. Also you could make it mandatory that someone will look in on him if he needs that extra nudge. The best of luck to you.

It may be his last family vacation - I'd tell him he had to go with you, but perhaps you can allow him to choose some of the sites you see, plan the route, choose the places you eat, etc. so that he is a part of the "authority" for the trip.
I would be uncomfortable with him being alone for 10 days ... even the best kids get into trouble - they might be fine on their own, but it's their friends and the friends' friends will hear about teen at home alone and ...
My two cents for what it's worth!