I know ultimately it is my decision, but I have seriously been thinking about leaving my husband. We will be married for 4 years next month and have 2 young boys.
We've been experiencin financial problems for the last year now. Last month he told me he wants to quit his job and be a professional poker player. He asked me to give him a month to prove he's good at it. I feel guilty that he works a job he hates, so I agreed. But, in this past month, though he's won a couple of times, he's lost more. In fact, I had $300 in my purse that I was supposed to give to friend and he took it out of my purse without my knowing. When I asked him what happened to it, he said he had to pay the car payment with it. I was supposed to give that money to my friend last week and now I have been forced to make excuses as to why I don't have it. This week a man came to my door saying he had orders to repo my car. So, he never used that money to pay for the car! He fessed up to gambling the $ when I confronted him. We didn't have a single dollar to our name for an entire week before he got paid again. I couldn't go grocery shopping, couldn't gas up, etc. He had to borrow a couple of bucks from a friend to get us through the week. It was humiliating. This isn't the first time he's done this.
Last month he lost another $300, which was for my son's b-day party. I ended up having to rely on my Grandma to buy the food for the party.
Looking back I see patterns of a gambling problem with him. He told me when we met that he had $7k in credit card debt from gambling. After we got married, he confessed he really had $11k and had lied to me.
On our honeymoon, we took a cruise. When I fell asleep one night, he snuck off to the casino. I caught him at the poker table and made him come back to bed. He was so mad at me for that.
A while back we were having more financial problems and I found out he took one of my credit cards and spent $500 on online gambling. We didn't have that kind of money to blow!
When we got married, he took over the finances. I have to admit that I didn't want to know the specifics of our finances because it would stress me out. So, it's my fault for letting this go for way too long. I've just been trying to concentrate on taking care of my boys. (One is 2 yrs old and the other 7 months.)
Now, we are currently over $50k in debt (that I'm aware of). All of our CC's are maxed out. He took all of my $ from my savings and IRAs. I don't think he's paying our mortgage b/c I've seen notices of default, he can't have his pay checks deposited in our bank account because he's $1500 overdrawn...The list goes on and on. When I confront him about this, he always has an excuse as to why he can't talk at that moment. He's now trying to convince me to file bankruptcy.
I have family out of town that is willing to let me and the kids live with them while I can find myself a job and start over. I feel bad because my sons adore him and they deserve to see their dad on a consistent basis, but if I move, that will be impossible. Also, my Grandma gave us $35k to put as a down payment on our house and if I leave, I'm sure we'll lose the house and that money.
I told him today that I feel like he's leaving me no other choice. He said he is dead inside and can't find the motivation to get any better and that I'm better off leaving him because he's toxic. When I tell him he has a gambling problem, he laughs it off.
I'm torn. Should I stay and work through this (for richer or poorer, right?) OR...Do I need to see the signs for what they are and realize he's addicted to gambling and isn't willing to get better?
It's Gam-Anon / al-Anon time. Big Time. If your're not familiar with it, it's the same type of program as Al-anon, but is a support group from people livng with/having grown up with compulsive gamblers, instead of compulsive drinkers.
AND here's the meeting list/ numbers to call for help
CALIFORNIA
San Diego area
Hotline - ###-###-####
866-239-2911 ( local area only )
Tues. 7:30pm
St. Catherine of Alexandria Catholic Church
41875 C. St. - room L3
Temecula
Thurs. 6:30pm
St. Elizabeth Seton Catholic Church – Parish Center
6628 Santa Isabel St.
Carlsbad/La Costa
Thurs. 7:00pm
Ascension Lutheran Church Preschool
5106 Zion Ave. - rooms #3, #4
San Diego
Fri. 7:30pm
Mission San Luis Rey Parish
4070 Mission Ave. - rooms 12A, 13 or 19
Oceanside
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R.B.
answers from
San Diego
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If he is laughing at you when you tell him he has a gambling addiction problem, I would take that as my answer. Sorry sweetie but there were lies in your 'marriage' before you even got married! :( And spending your son's b-day party money on gambling?? HIS priority is certainly not his family.
"YOUR" PRIORITY now is YOUR CHILDREN...get to a safe place (because along with gambling addiction - it can string another whole set of problems with possibly 'other' people) where you can establish good credit and some sense of security for your children. Use the money your grandma gave you (talk to her about it perhaps or at least someone you can trust in your family or a friend??). Your husband needs help - really bad and maybe a trial separation will help but if he isn't willing to help himself - NO ONE will get him to do it. Even if 'you' take over finances, it is NOT going to change his behavior. I fully believe in doing everything you can to save a marriage but if he isn't willing to get help, again, then what you see is what you get. It might take awhile to figure out what to do but right now I would say take care of yourself and your children and then go from there. Get some counseling NOW - that will help 'you' come to any permanent decisions later.
So sorry to hear you are going through this - my heart and prayers go out to you and your children.
STAND YOUR GROUND - 'you' are now in charge my dear!
GOOD LUCK!!! :)
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T.S.
answers from
San Diego
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I am so sorry to hear this - and of course it is really sad that your husband is not recognizing that there is a problem. Sometimes it takes hearing things from an independent third party to really wake up.
From a pragmatic point of view, you should take steps to get your credit score into a healthier state. Even if you do separate/divorce, a bad credit score will make your life more difficult. So... I'd go to a debt/credit counselor and see what you can do about paying off the debt. Maybe talk to a financial advisor so your husband can really see what kind of financial issues the family is facing.
You should also take over the finances and keep your husband on a tight leash. Give him a weekly allowance and NO credit cards. Do not keep cash at home and it seems like you also need to lock up your credit cards in a safe deposit box that only you can access. Any money that comes in should go into payments and a long-term CD that neither you or your husband can make withdrawals from for a fixed period of time.
Use this opportunity to teach your kids about financial responsibility. If your husband doesn't wake up and smell the coffee after all this, I guess your latter alternative may be the only choice.
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A.H.
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San Diego
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It seems pretty obvious by what you've described that there is a big problem. And it's been there from the beginning of the relationship. I'm not one who's in favor of breaking up families but in this case I am. Your husband isn't taking care of the needs of the family. He is selfishly feeding a need, that he won't admit that he has. Thus, the problem isn't going to be resolved anytime soon. Until he admits he has a problem there's not much you can do. Even though you love him, you have a responsibility to your children. They should have the comfort of a home, food, transportation,etc. If it was just you and your husband then I would think differently, but because the kids are suffering, I think you should move and get into a better situation. It doesn't have to be permanent. If he sincerely changes then the marriage wouldn't need to end. If not, then maybe your better off without him.
