Advice on Parenting Issues with Sister-in-law

When she offers unsolicited advice to you, always say "well what works for one child may not another" or "we all have different ways of parenting" or even "well my daughter isn't this way or we do things differently"..
Who cares if she is that vindictive to hold back visiting with her son because you stand up for yourself! UGH! Sorry but you are way more diplomatic then I would be, hee hee. I understand with family you have to bite your lip though.

As far as the dr visits, unfortunately it is her call. However her not vaccinating can cause alarms and bring in unneccesary exposure to your child. You could approach it for a while with printing out a chart for vaccines, explain that you just want to protect your child and make sure when they play together they are both on the same page with vaccines. A child at that age can be a carrier without even knowing it! With whopping cough and measles/mumps back in circulation you can bring it up to her in a matter of fact/concern for your child manner.

If she is just side stepping copays that stinks as she should feel damn lucky to have insurance cover the rest! Some kids don't even have that!

You cannot tell her how to parent either, she is awfully head strong it sounds and even with him not talking it is truly her call. Unless you feel he is in danger or she is holding him back from testing or progress then there isn't much you can do or say really. If you come across articles maybe print them out for her too, that way it isn't your opinion either but something you read! Hugs, hang in there....

I just want to say that your SIL sounds perfectly normal. Really it is normal to want to advise other mothers on what to expect and how to react.

Doctors do immunizations differently. My Pediatrician gives all shots at 1 year (no need for futher shots until 24 months) but my previous one gave half at 12 months and 1/2 at 18 or 15 months. My current doc doesn't even schedule 15 month exams. They aren't really necessary if you are not doing shots.

I am also one who doesn't like to take my children to the doctor unless there is a reason like illness. The child is fine so why take him/her to the doc? It is basiclly informing the parent about what to expect anyway.

About the talking. He will talk when he is ready. All children are different. If he still hasn't started talking by 2.5 or 3 years old you would need to see a specialist, but you can cross that bridge when it happens. Like a previous poster mentioned, most children don't really start talking until they are 24 months old. My children are all small and rarely ever crawl. they go from scooting on their butts and rolling to walking. Every child is different. Your nephew is loved so I doubt that he will be neglected in his basic needs and preventative measures. Don't become what you don't like in your SIL. If she is endangering your nephew, do something. Otherwise just go with the flow.

I don't want you to get offended but I think you should mind your business on this one. As much as you don't like her telling you how to parent, she will not either. Some parents choose to not even immunize their children(I know, not my choice) but everyone has different styles, timetables, priorities, and concerns with their babies. What's important to you, or 'normal' to you may not be the same for her. Just because she is married to your brother does not mean you step in. When one gets married, they are choosing that person to share their life with first. If you just can't stand staying out of it, maybe mention it to your brother in private and let him make the decision if it's something HIS family is concerned about. I know it's hard to stand by and watch things go on that you wouldn't allow for yourself or your child but this is not YOUR child, unless there is immediate danger to the life of the child, butt out. sorry

Dear K. H I know it is temping to say something but it will probably wont do any good to say anything to her because she Knows it all. And will probably make things worse on your relationship. I hope this helps

C. J.

So, I have a 6 and 1/2 year old boy. He was always up to date on his immunizations. At his 1 year appointment he could say a handful of words...mama, dada, dog, those type of words. At that 1 year appointment he got those shots and he never uttered another word until he was 3 years old, and then he started speaking in sentences. I do believe that I am lucky that he does not have full blown autism, but he does have some learning issues, that we are just getting into since he will be in first grade this year. I KNOW with all of my heart that those shots are what caused it.

I have had 2 more kids since then and I have still kept up with immunizations with the other 2, but my heart is so torn, cause they are my babies. I struggle at every shot appointment, doing that to my babies. However, the only appointments that they have gotten shots at are 1 year, 18 months then 24 months, so if you want to skip your 15 month appointment, that is just your doctor getting another $100 from your insurance and at least a 20 dollar bill from your co-pay. Unless your baby is sick, skip it, until she is 18 months.....(not to be pushy like your SIL, LOL)

My whole point I guess is not to be too worried about the little guy, some kids just don't want to talk, and they don't have to talk. If she does everything for him and gives him no reason to talk to her, then maybe he wont do it for awhile longer. I did get to communicate with my little guy through sign language. If you want to turn the tables on her and you be the one to give her advise, it is not normal to not be babbling by now, and maybe that is why her doc wants to run tests....also, sign language is HUGE in kids with learning disabilities and with kids who may be autistic. They get them to communicate things like "more" and "eat" and "want," and naturally kids just start to communicate and talk through learning that they get what they want when they ask.

Other than all of that info, let her tell you how to parent and listen to what she says, because you love your brother and your nephew....I would just maybe give her more advise than you have been, and maybe she will realize that she doesn't like it, or agree with you and maybe she will back off on telling you what you should do all of the time! Good luck!

I would (a) talk to my brother about my concerns as they arise, and (b) not hang out with her. There's nothing magic about family. You'd be far more relaxed and happy hanging out with a couple intelligent moms from church or the neighborhood than with this neglectful, illogical mother who has been randomly assigned to you through "family".

p.s. The world is chock full of parents who smoke and drink and curse in front of their children, don't help them with science projects, don't make them wear seat belts, feed them junk food and soda all day -- you get the idea. Unless it's sort of illegal, there's almost nothing we can do except be very nice to their poor little children.

I understand how frustrating it is to have a know it all tell you how to raise your kid. Consider saying next time, "That's interesting, but I'm going to try something different I read about". There also is nothing wrong with just smiling and saying, "That's an interesting thought, thanks", then try to forget the annoying advice you were just given.

I used to be a know it all, and I have a sweet cousin who kindly listened, but lovingly brainstormed other ideas with me. I learned later how wrong I was with things and have completely changed my ways. I'll never forget how loving my cousin was even when it was hard for her to sit there and listen to me pretend to know it all.

As for your nephew, he'll be fine missing a doctor's appointment. Relax, it's not a big deal! Keep in mind that she may be nervous about the vaccines kids get between 15-24 months. I know I was terrified.

K., I want to say right off the bat that I agree with everything you are saying. Your SIL may be right about the vaccines though. I know my 15 mo old isn't due for anything for the next couple of years. I would never dream of skipping a well child visit though. These visits are what make sure our babies are healthy and on track. Not all moms parent the same way. What might really concern one may not be a big deal to the other. That said, unless you are truely worried about your nephew's health, it is unfortunately not your business to intervene and tell your SIL what she should be doing regarding his doctor's visits. I understatd your frustrations since she gives you unsolicited advice all the time, but two wrongs don't make a right.

Oh my oh my...mind your own business! I have something similar going on....I am pregnant with our seventh...yes 7th! My SIL, who has ONE...1 5 month old is also an expert and making some VERY unresponsible decisions. Her 5 month old is on table food....seriously. She drinks ORANGE juice and is 5 months old. I am a little more on the "granola" side (so she says). My babies get nothing except breast milk for much longer than 5 months. She also leaves her little one with....ANYONE...friends, grandparents and a scary chain smoking neighbor. She has had more immunizations than I thought possible, too. The poor thing was also left to "cry it out" at 6 weeks old. The hardest part about parenting is learning to say..."OH REALLY". I am getting really good at it. Don't get involved as your nephew grows you can become his safety net. Your nephew and my niece will survive....

there is no getting thru to people like that!! so you have to keep your mouth shut for your brothers sake. llet her wait till he is 24 months. it wont hurt him health wise. but she may be afraid of finding out that he has a speech delay. or anything else that he may be lacking in. Mrs. perfect does not want anything to mess her perfect life up. but if you find out she has not taken him for even this mile stone appointment then i would go stright to your brother and let him know what your concerns are. good luck

Hi K.,
I think that in this setting the best thing to do would just stay out of it. If you trust your brother to take care of his son. Then just relax and let him take care of it. If your brother feels that he should go to the doctor I am sure he would take your nephew.
hope this helps,
K.

Throughout much of the developed world children aren't given vaccines until they are 2 or 3 years old and their immune systems are better developed. Since the US has much poorer infant mortality rates than many other countries don't sweat this one.
So long as your nephew responds to sounds and verbal communication, I wouldn't worry too much about that, but keep an eye out. My son's hearing tested normal at birth but he hasn't passed a hearing test since infancy. His hearing comes and goes and it appears to be allergy related. In his case he started speaking late and couldn't speak understandably. Tests with Child Find, revealed that he was functionally deaf. Removing dairy from his diet made a huge difference and then it took two yrs of speach therapy for him to be able to speak understandably, He's a 14 yr old honors student now and I believe still has intermittant hearing trouble, he has learned to compensate.
So it may not be out of line to encourage your sister in law to get his hearing checked on his next appt. My son's situation wasn't diagnosed until he was 4 and it caused a lot of frustration for him.
So long as the kiddo is thriving, healthy, active, and learning frequent Dr visits aren't too big a deal. As for the know it all, that could be insecurity, a desire to be helpful - who knows. The advice to just be gracious and ignor what you wish is best.

ask her what kinds of tests. maybe give her the idea that you want to know if that's something that your daughter would have to go through. if she still won't tell you, you might want to say something to your brother. if she tells you, and it sounds like a normal check-up, i would dig out a vaccine check list and see if she's missing some, if so convince her to go. some people do refuse their kids to get vaccinated. but if she's recieved some of the vaccines, maybe she's worried about money. pray about it. God will help you know what to do.

It is hard when you have someone who thinks they know more than you do. My entire in-law family is that way. You just have to let it roll off. Say uh-huh, ok, etc. and let it be. Know that you are the best mommy for your little girl and take care of her.

As for the 15 month appointment all of my kids went to theirs and there was no shots. Waiting until your nephew is 24 months won't hurt him at all. Mommies do know better than doctors, and some doctors do run more tests than necessary. My oldest had to have a cholesterol screening test and no one in my family has high cholesterol. Why subject your child to pain when you don't need to.

Good luck and just love your Nephew the best an Auntie can. It'll all turn out ok.

Hi K.,
I would talk to my brother about the problem. Also check with the Dr. about what shots are due at these ages (I don't remember) so you have that at your finger tips. It is better for the shots to be given over time instead of all at once.
I would also nicely say to my SIL that you appreciate her suggestions but would rather do it my own way.
Good luck,
SarahMM

I would take yourself out of the equation by telling your husband your concerns (if this is his sister) or your brother (if he is her husband). In otherwords, tell the part you are related to closest to you...or your or her mother iht work too. Do some research first so you can say: 'I read this article and it says 18 month olds should have a vocabulary of... and my nephew doesn't seem to be close to this goal..." Some boys (and even myself, I am told) don't talk well until 3. Often they start talking over night perfectly instead of improving along the way. So I would be more concerned at say 2.5 years if he still seems delayed. My own nephew is finally catching up to my son who is six weeks younger...my nephew just turned three. On the doctor, I am thinking there aren't vaccines at 18 months. There wasn't any until either the three year one, I think (I just had my four yeat old for my frist child and there wasn't any until kindergarten prep stuff. anyway, I would talk to your doctor about your concerns and get her opinion on the matter. You might find that waiting until the two year old is not as big of a deal as you think. then, maybe really encourage her to make sure she does have the two year old. some insurances only pay for certain taimings in between. Like ours is one year exactly from the last appointment meaning that now, my four year old has hers like a month after her birthday. Follow your instincts, get the closest go-between relative involved so you don't ruin the relationship. and yes, if she tells you to do stuff say things like: 'Thanks for the information, I will keep that in mind." "Oh, I already figured out what to do about that...My appraoch is different from yours and I will be doing..." Seek to understand first in your listening, then speak to be understood. so aknowledge her comments and if it is right to do so, say you have another good idea to share with her.

K. H.,

In that sort of a situation I would just wait and watch.
You don't say how often you see your SIL and nephew, it is frequent then it will not be a problem for you to watch for signs of neglect or a serious health issue with your nephew.

When it comes to children, I always poke my nose in.
Sounds like you need to be diplomatic when you do though.
Good luck and let us know how your nephew is.

Personally, I would have a heart-to-heart talk with her about my concerns for her son. I would remember to say, more than one time during the talk, something along the line of "I know you are the one who is the mom, but since I love my nephew and I am concerned about him, I want to voice my concerns to you because I know you want to take the best care of your son."

When I did day care years ago, that approach always worked to persuade the parent to take a child in for a needed medical check.

As for your sister-in-law's opinion that she is an expert at child care, that's a different subject. Be sensitive, though, that she sees herself that way and that you must be sweet of voice when you have this talk with her and take care not to offend her. Keep your remarks "in the interest of the child" because you both love him, and don't let it turn into an argument over your sister-in-law's child care skills.

My other thought is, it sounds to me as if your brother and sister-in-law are worried about money and the root of the problem looks to me like they can't - or are afraid they can't - pay the medical bills.

K., I suggest you let it go. Doesn't sound like these are major issues, and not worth the outcome of the resentment it is sure to cause. Ann

That's a tough one, but about the vaccines, I don't remember when exactly my boys got theirs, but a 15 month old is DEFINITELY not done for a few YEARS!!! I'd bet my 27 month old has had 4 rounds of shots since then! He just got 4 at his 2 year visit, and my 4 year old got 3.
Now that my second child is past his 24 month visit, I really have relaxed about well-visits. I'm pretty comfortable with knowing what my kids should be doing, and they're way ahead, AND we have to pay for the visit out of pocket, so I might be tempted to skip a visit, but probably not two in a row. Especially if it were just a copay!
I don't know what your relationship with your SIL is like (other than what you've told us). But would it be okay if you were to ask her about those tests the doctor wants to run? Some people stick their heads in the sand when they hear that there could be a problem. It's like if the doctor doesn't test for something, then he can't get a bad test result, so the parent refuses testing. My friend told me that she and her mother had concerns about their very good friend's son. My friend's mom watched him during the day, and my friend is a nurse. They both thought he showed definite signs of autism. when they mentioned it, the boys' mother told them to butt out, that they were being mean, and she's never talked to them again!
Do you think your SIL would be that way?

Something you can do is to do a little monitoring of your nephew yourself. I was concerned about my first son's speech at his 18 month visit. The doctor told me to watch it for the next months until his 24 month visit. He gave me this homework to do: try to teach him new words. When you know he wants something, hold it in front of him and say what it is. Say it a few times. He might just stare at you at first. If he ever gets frustrated, give him the object/food, and try again at the next opportunity. In two days, if he hasn't tried to talk or learned any words, then there could be a problem. You'll probably have to give your nephew more time since you won't be with him 24/7. It should become a fun game for him, though, and definitely falls within the realm of a fun aunt!
Good luck!

I think you've answered your own question. You hate it when she gives you advice. So, you know how she's going to feel if you give her advice. If she asks for advice, give it to her. Unless it's a life threatening or life altering issue, I'd leave it be. As far as how do you weather her advice --- I think you grin and bear it. We've all been there with family and friends. Unfortunately, you can't control how others behave --- only how you behave. Be the bigger person and rise above.

I know how hard it is to bite your tongue. My son is in speech therapy and it has been great. My nephew who is 6 months younger has a lot more speech issues and they have not taken him in. You just have to realize that a lot of people delay speech therapy and your nephew will catch up, it will just take a little longer. Also about the shots. My son has aspergers (on the autism spectrum,runs in the family.) So I am on a message board for that and I know a lot of people choose to delay vaccinations some with their drs. support. Seems each year more drs. are supporting this. So I don't think he is at any great risk waiting 6 months for some shots. I will say keeping quiet has been hard but now that the cousins are older they have so much fun playing together I am glad I did.

It seems to me that you feel that since your SIL is such a know-it-all that you feel justified in giving her the advice. Just like you don't like getting it, she probably wouldn't respond well to it. I do think it's weird that she won't take her baby into the doctors until 24 months but it sound like it's an issue with money or some underlying problem and not that she doesn't care about her son or wants to do what's best for him. I would try to understand where she's coming from and if she's not willing to tell you her true reason, you just need to let it go. If you feel that your nephew is happy and healthy, then that is what's most important. All babies develop differently and your concerns may or may not be real issues, but if she decides not to take him, then that is her choice.

I recommend the book "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle - it is a wonderful reminder about centering in our own selves from a place of presence, and truly discerning what is ours and what is someone else's. You complain that she tells you how to parent and yet here you are wanting to tell her how to parent. What we don't like in another is simply a reflection of what is going on in ourselves. She is actually a wonderful teacher and mirror showing you the parts of yourself that are hidden from your view. Do your own personal work around this first and your response to your sister in law will come from a much higher place.

K. - All of your concerns & reactions are legitimate. It's tough when someone always gives you advice & it's tough when you really want to step in with someone else because you are concerned. This is the way I see it - regardless of anything else, people just want to feel accepted, respected & loved. If we feel like we get that from people, we can take what they have to say to us - the key is to communicate it so that they feel you have their best interest in mind (not just the best interest of the kid - but unfortunately their best interest also). Often, people do have the right intentions, but their delivery of the advice undermines all of that.

Keeping all this in mind, my advice would be to assume that that's her intention when she gives you advice. Remember that you are your kids' mom & you don't have to do anything you don't want to do with them. Just take her advice, weigh it & if you don't like it, discard it. When she gives it to you, just say "thanks" or "good point." There is no reason to make it clear you disagree with her. And as far as giving advice back, I understand your concerns - although I agree with other posts that this particular issue is not that dangerous a situation. Many, many 20 month old kids are not talking yet (especially boys) and waiting a bit to see a doctor is not a huge deal - nor is a child being small. But before I say anything to her, I would make a conscious note that you don't trust her judgement and that unless you are very careful, that will come through in what you say to her - and at that point, no good can come from it. So if you must say anything, think about wording it in a way that edifies her, rather than questions her judgement. And if she responds poorly - apologize & drop it. Good luck!

I have a SIL who doesn't even give her kids vaccines. I don't agree with this, but we have agreed to disagree. She has her reasons and she is doing what she feels is best. It is so hard to not say things about it, but it isn't worth the fight.

As for the not talking. My son wasn't talking as early as my others did. At my sons 24 month check up my Dr. gave me some info on programs that my state has. I live in Utah. We had a speach pathologist come to our home twice a month and work with him. She also gave me info on what I can do to help him talk more. Now that he is 3 he is in a free pre-school with the school district and doing great. Once again if she doesn't see the problem it won't do any good to say anything. He could also just be a late talker. The Dr. should say something at his 24 month check up. She'll believe the Dr. before you anyway. If he is 2 and half or even 3 I'd start to worry. Until then I'd let it go. It really isn't worth the fight and she wouldn't believe you anyway. Hang in there.

K., You sound like a wonderful parent and I agree that her attitude is disconcerting. However, you are right to not rock the boat. If your nephew is neglected or abused, then you have a moral obligation to step in with the help of the proper authorities, but in a case of differing ideals regarding parenting it is your obligation to raise your child, and let others do the same. In other words, we all agree to disagree. If he is slow, it could be a learning issue, it doesn't happen because of bad parenting. As for putting off the visits to the pediatrician, she may be worried that her Dr is seeing something and blaming her. Perhaps suggest a she try a different Dr if this one bothers her. She isn't locked in for life....Hang in there because you don't want to be sorry later.

You have a right to be concerned. Making sure a child is up to date on their immunizations is what every parent should be on top of. Maybe speaking to your brother first before you speak to your sister in law might help. Maybe if she hears it from her husband, she might realized that paying her co-pay is much better then something worse happening to her child.

I would definitely not worry about if your nephew misses his 15 and 18 month well child check. Unless there is some kind of issue going on, it's not a necessity. Shots can be caught up.

I think that your SIL wouldn't really want to hear what you are saying, I can say that my son 23 months got no more shots after he turned a year. I thought he would need them at 15 or 18 months, but he didn't, they said he was caught up.

As to language, I wouldn't worry to much, the reality is most kids don't start talking until they turn to, Of my 7, this was true for all but 2, one started just before she turned 2, but my youngest has been talking since he was 20 months, sentences and all, freaked me out. But it is really cool.

All of your concerns are good but even you have recognized that it is most likely predisposition more them anything. If you are REALLY concerned address it with your brother say something Like " Hey, whens ??? gonig back in for a check-up, I know (your DD) has one coming up" You know something non threatening, but curious.

Sadely there isn't anything you can so, the DR will take care of it once she does take him in.

I'm going to agree with everyone else that you should just let it go (besides, she probably wouldn't listen anyway). My son got shots at his 12-month and then not again until his 2-year check-up and our doctor actually said our daughter didn't need a 15-month check-up unless WE wanted to schedule one (she was healthy, didn't need shots and so we just skipped it). And a lot of kids don't really start talking until around 18-months. I say if he's not talking AT ALL by 2-years, then maybe you should say something like suggest she bring it up with his doctor just to allieviate any concerns.

As for her giving you advice on parenting, just say, "Oh, thanks for the advice" and change the subject.

Hi K.,

Your sister-in-law seems to be very insecure in a lot of ways and insecure people tend to "need" to be experts in everything tney do. You have been very patient with her, much to your credit.

Maybe its time to spread your wings a bit and find a local group of mothers with young children. This could be a great outlet for you and your beautiful daughter.

As far as your SIL not taking her son to the doctor. Trust your instincts and if you feel you get to pursue it further, please do. So many children suffer because someone didn't follow their gut feelings.

Take care!

Hi K.,
If I were you I would stay out of it. Your nephew will be fine waiting 4 more months for that appointment. As hard as it is we have to let our friends and family members parent their own children no matter how much we love those children ourselves. Be supportive and involved in their lives but they will take care of his medical needs. Also, you never mentioned your brother in any of this. If anyone, he is the one you should voice your concerns to about your nephew not talking. It could just be a statement like, "Does his Doctor think it's normal for him to not be talking yet?"
The chances are as your little girl gets more chatty they will notice the difference between the two children and voice their own concerns to their Doctor.
Take care,
B.

As much as you don't want to say anything, vaccination affects your child, too. Just sweetly and tactfully (you seem like you are very good at that) voice your concern to your soul mate and see what he would suggest regarding the safety of your child during the interim your SIL postpones her child's vaccination. Then take whatever responsible steps you need to for your child. Has her doctor recommended waiting? Encourage her to follow medical advice. That, I feel, is the best you can do in the situation. I know you didn't broach this in the letter, but if economics is affecting her choice to wait, maybe you could let her know that the County she lives in will have health centers that do these vaccinations, and all up through school age, for free. I hope this information is of any assistance. You seem like a wonderful, caring woman, who cares for children of all ages and walks of life. Best of luck and love always to you !!!

A little about me: I am a proud mother of an eighteen year old, who I raised as a single mother, and also am a certificated school psychologist, social service worker and recreational therapist. I am currently working on facilitator training through a company: dreammakersacademy.com

I wouldn't say anything to keep peace, even though I think she's wrong. I think she will eventually get to the dr. and it's the dr's job to tell her what to do in this circumstance. If I were really great friends or sisters with this lady maybe I would say something. If something should be said it should be by your brother not you.

K.,

Mind your own business.

Wow, your situation seems so similar to mine. My brother-in-law and his wife have a son who is 5 months older than our daughter. Our daughter is now 26 months old and has been talking since around 9 months old. Just words like "hi" and Mama. around one she knew a few more and could make animal sounds like woof woof and meow. her cousin who is 5 months older still didn't even say mama or papa. My daughter was early, but when my nephew still couldn't say a single word at more than 2 years and my daughter was talking up a storm, it bothered me. His preschool teacher finally told them they needed to take him to a speech pathologist and all at once he just started talking away. He still doesn't make 2 word sentences, but he does at least talk now. As for the vaccines, I can't help you there, but I'd say just let her be. He'll talk when he's ready and he will eventually get his vaccines. Be the example of the non-butting-in mom you wish she was. If you said something and she got mad about it, you wouldn't be able to take it back and she might hold a grudge. And if he is too small, they'll mention that at his next visit, I'm sure. My daughter was a bit on the small side for a while and then she hit a growth spurt and she's right on target now...they all grow at different rates and what they show on those charts is just an average.

good luck!

Hi K.!

It sounds like your SIL wouldn't be very receptive to your advice - since she's already an expert! If she's having her son vaccinated then she definitely needs to have him to the Dr again before he's 24 months old. A lot of the vaccines are 2-3 shots for them to be, and stay, effective.

Since she is isn't going to like your input, maybe you could talk to your brother. If nothing else, maybe he has more input as to why they are doing it that way - or maybe he didn't know and could change it.

Good luck!
C.