Advice on *Nicely* Stopping In-laws from Feeding the Baby

I would bring his food (like spagettios or something pre-prepared) and booster seat to their house and make him sit in that at the table while everyone else eats. That way, he isn't cruising around and you can keep an eye on him and everyone else. Then just tell them that you prefer not to have them feed him from their plates, and tell them that last year you other son got very sick from eating too much/eating something that didn't agree with him and you spent the whole joyous night cleaning up barf. Hopefully, that will get the message across. :)

Basically all you can do is ask them politly not to feed the kids because you are watching to see what they eat.You could tell a white lie and say that something seems to bother the kids stomachs and you are trying to find out what and that by them feedin the kids you wont know what it is if they are sick....good luck..
S. B

Any possibility you could not go? What does your husband think about this? These people are endangering the lives/health of everyone they know! Maybe you could try printing this out (http://www.extension.umn.edu/distribution/nutrition/DJ571...) and hanging it on their fridge with the part on food poisoning on top. I cannot believe anyone in this day and age would do something like this unless they were trying to poison you. Especially after you've asked them not to. I would basically tell them that if they don't respect your wishes you won't come, this is about the safety of your babies, not your in-laws feelings.

T., you've gotten some pretty good comments here. Obviously, your first priority is your children's health. The suggestion to bring jars of juniors baby food for the toddler is A-1. You also must make sure that your in-laws understand your children are not to be fed from the table.

Although their constitutions may have adapted to the caveman stage where your in-laws can safely eat marginally tainted food, or worse (I have friends in Vladivostok, Russia who eat raw bacon with no ill effect. And it is common practice there!), your children's digestive systems are not strong enough to tolerate such extreme dietary fare.

Secondly, will you be staying with the in-laws during your visit? If so, why not volunteer to help with the cooking? In fact, go out and buy the main course entree. Have your husband's sibs agree to bring some side dish and tell Mom and Dad that this year, the kids are preparing the Christmas dinner for them. Make it sound as though it is a special treat and a gift for them from the group. Take an extra effort to keep the kitchen clean and the food that requires it safely refrigerated.

Thirdly, what is your husband's stand on the issue? Before the problem can be remedied, the in-laws need to understand that there is, in fact, a problem. They need to be told why you don't want your older child to be eating from their plates either and this needs to come from your husband. (Unless you have a very strong relationship with them, they are likely to view such comments from you as meddling, intrusive, and 'better-than-you' snobbism.) Don't be surprised, however, if they still take offense at the suggestion that their kitchen should be condemned by the Board of Health.

Remember, it is just as important, for your in-laws' safety, that they adopt, to at least some degree, cleaner hygiene practices. Perhaps they have had no problems heretofore but, with such unhealthy habits, it's only a matter of time. Let them know that, as they get older, their own digestive systems become less tolerant of the bacterias that will grow and thrive on the foods left out at room temperature. If not now, they may, somewhere down the road, begin to experience the same symptoms others do now. Both you and your husband, but especially the rest of his family who live closer to them, need to tell them that you are all concerned for their health. Instead of avoiding the topic (and the food) by eating elsewhere, perhaps a family conference with your hubby's sibs about the situation might be in order. Discuss ahead of time what you see as the basic problems and be prepared to offer some solid, and easily manageable solutions. (Go out and buy some storage containers or a vacuum sealer, etc.) Gather brochures and other information on the dangers of poorly prepared and/or stored foods and what to do to avoid them. Then, after the sibs' meeting, everyone should approach Mom and Dad collectively, providing a united front, and tell them you are all concerned about their food hygiene practices and the dangers it presents. The sibs should tell them how they avoid having to eat at Mom & Dad's and why. Be sure to select the most diplomatic one or two to spearhead this discussion. It won't be easy for the parents to accept this apparent criticism from their children and they will resist so be sure they know you are telling them this because you all love them and want to see them safe and healthy and able to enjoy their grandchildren for a long time to come. This, btw, is probably a step you will want to take AFTER the holiday festivities are behind you or you run the risk of eating at Denny's with your kids and looking for a motel to put up in until you can leave for home.

Good luck with this very sticky situation.

Hi! well, I have sensitive parents and in-laws, so my approach would be to avoid potential insults and accusations, and just say that your child(ren) have either food allergies or sensitive stomachs and you have to monitor everything they eat until they grow out of it. There's no sense in bringing any negativity into a holiday, they mean well, and yes, anything coming from a daughter in law can be critical. Just emphasize that you are still experimenting with what they're allergic to and have had some strange and scary reactions. Just get through it without tension if possible, it sounds like it's just for the holiday and you don't have to deal with this on a regular basis, so make them feel as good as possible while protecting the kids. Good luck!!

Oh my gosh, bless your heart!!! I would talk to your husband and see if you can figure out a way to tell them the truth. But, I think it should come from him since it's HIS parents. After all, the only people who can stick up for your little one is you guys because he doesn't know any better. But, I can also understand how difficult that might be because you don't want to cause a big family drama mess during the holidays. Is it possible to have christmas at your house this year? Or, maybe you and some of the other relatives (who understand the problem) can offer to go do the grocery shopping and then come back and cook the holiday meal so that the grandparents can "just enjoy the babies". Or, maybe you can play the "sick" card and tell them that your little one has been ill and to make sure not to give him any food please because you don't want to upset his system all over again. Yikes, I don't know though because that won't solve the problem for the years to come, ya know? Maybe it would be best if you just sat down and found a non-threatining way to explain to them that their food/cooking habits aren't safe and that it's fine if they would like to eat that way, but they have to respect that you and your family will not eat that way. Good luck to you guys!! Hopefully, you'll get some good advice from your post that will help you figure this out before the holidays!

I can see you have a loving family. And you would not hurt them for the world. But they need to know that giving the food that is not good any more could damage a child for life. Or anybody else. Do they want that to happen?
They need to be shown in a nice way to properly keep the foods sealed in a container not left too long out.
Maybe they don't understand how dangerous it can be. Or do they just say to you all it is ok.
I do hope will understand and know if they love you they would not want to hurt you or anybody else.

T.,
It will be a little more expensive - but try taking all of your sons food with you. Even if he regularly eats from your food at home - pick up some of the Gerber toddler meals, snack crackers, etc.....Working with in-laws and parents on NOT giving kids food every time you turn around is always a sticky issue - even when you are not worried about sickness caused by old food. SO - bottom line is - you probably won't be able to stop food from going to your son's mouth - but ask them to offer him some of the toddler food you bring in. If it were my in-laws bringing in "special" treats like cookies and candies (only to be offered in moderation of course) for them would encourage them to offer what I bring in.

However, since there is a history of sickness occurring - you may want talk to your son's pediatrician about the issue and ask ahead of time, what OTC meds and their dosage would be safe to give your son in the event he gets stomach issues while visiting.

Good luck - try to relax - and not stress about it. I know it is hard - I stress for SOOOOO many reasons before visiting with my in-laws with my three kids.

TJK

You'd probably be mortified at my own 'food practices', but if this REALLY is a serious concern (and not just 'over-pickiness on your part), I think 'hubby' should tell them (HIS family) ahead of time and in no uncertain terms that your children WILL NOT eat at their house.

Hi T.: I had this problem with our youngest son and everyone feeding him cause they knew he would eat it... I nicely told them that he has food allergies and u are keeping him on a special diet to find out what exactly he is allergic too... I also asked them to please quit feeding our son as we didnt want him to get sick from one of his allergies... it worked like a charm... also bring along some of his fave foods or gerbers graduates and feed him those while u all are eating and try and keep him near you and your husband during meal times... i hope this helped and have a good day

Oh T.! I hate that you have to deal with something like this! I totally agree with a previous response about making Christmas dinner yourself. Maybe they will be really receptive to the idea of a break from Holiday cooking. You can just make it like your gift to them. Be very cheerful and happy about it and tell them that you really want to do it as a special treat for them. Maybe you can even ask you MIL for one of her recipes to make. This way you can make all of the food you will be eating while you are there and you will know that it was cooked properly. Plus you can be in charge of cleaning the dishes up so you can put things away properly.

I hope you are able to get it worked out.

I'd keep several of his favorite snacks on hand. Show them to him and tell him he can have them anytime he wants them. Put them in a place where he can get to them and if you see him "grazing" offer him one of his treats. Divert his attention when you see others eating. Your inlaws may ask what you are doing. But you could reply that he has been promised these treats and you have saved them for this special day. I'd do my best not to offend them if at all possible. Maybe you could offer to have the Christmas gathering at your house sometime and ease the pressure of the holidays for them. It would be a lot of work, but you'd know how all of the food was prepared and cared for afterwards.

First, make sure it's your husband who talks to his parents! It'll go over better if it's the son and not the daughter-in-law who tells the parents what to do. (Not that it will go over just great anyway....)

Second, make sure your husband and you have the same opinion, so he can express his opinion which is also yours, so there is no confusion. If he waffles in telling his parents that you don't want your son eating rotten food, then they will take advantage of that uncertainty and feed him.

Third, his parents need to understand that the food they eat is a health hazard. Maybe they're so used to eating it, that they have "iron stomachs" and it doesn't affect them, but that everybody else gets sick. Your husband might be able to phrase it in such a way as to make them think that your son has a sensitive stomach (which they already think anyway), and needs a special diet to avoid getting sick, and everything in their house isn't on it! :-) If you can bring food from home (that is on his "special diet"), that may be a help.

Fourth, your husband can remind them of how your older son spent Christmas night violently throwing up, and you don't want a repeat with your younger son who also "has a sensitive stomach."

Fifth, it may happen that you'll have to make a choice between letting him eat rotten food and going there for Christmas. Don't draw that line in the sand if you're not going to stick with it. But if his parents don't agree not to feed your children for their own sakes, then you may be forced to say that you can't come to visit them at all. Take this step most cautiously -- it could get very contentious. If they understand that you're so serious about your kids not eating their food that you're willing not to visit them at all, then they may agree to it.

Hi T.,
I know you've already received a lot of responses, and I didn't read through all of them so I hope I'm not just telling you something you've already heard. Most of the responses I read said you need to talk to them, but what do you do when that doesn't work! I have similar issues with my in-laws. Even before kids, my husband and I didn't really eat at my in-laws because you never knew what you might be eating. We've talked to them about this. My sister-in-law has talked to them. We've tried serious talks. We've tried humor and disgust. They just don't get it. They don't hear what we're saying. They don't listen. They aren't going to change- they just laugh it off. So we walk in the door with bags of groceries (we tell my MIL not to go shopping before we get there and we play it up as our gift for having us stay there). When we lived closer and just went for the day, we came in saying we were going to make them dinner. That way I know exactly what's on their plate (and they'll eat anything so it doesn't matter what I cook). Or we offer to take them out to dinner (they don't do that very often themselves so they are always up for that). And at lunch time I try to get into the kitchen and make our lunches first and offer to make them a sandwich too- again so I don't have to worry about what's on their plate and in my kids' mouths. Good luck.

Inlaws... I'll tell ya! They mean so well... I have in-law issues too. There are 2 routes you can take: Lie or be blunt and tell the truth. I would maybe bring prepared foods from home in little already portioned out containers. Tell them he can only eat what you brought because he has a sensitive stomach or he is a picky eater. They should understand that :-)
OR you can just let it build up and eventually explode on them when your son gets sick at Christmas. I, myself, am in the middle of a combination of the two. I know i will explode one day because I never tell them how I really feel. When my first son was about 9 months old, we took him home for Christmas and my mom in law said she was going to make him pancakes with syrup for breakfast the next morning. My husband and I both looked at eachother and yelled "no" at the same time. We said he couldn't have syrup and she said, oh, o.k., maybe a little molassas... we both looked at her like she was nuts! We kindly asked her not to feed him unless she asked us first. He has a feeding schedule and if we mess with it, he would be all out of wack for the whole trip.

They must have good immune systems. Start sending articles on contamination to them. Tell them the baby is allergic and must be fed by you, can't be given food from any other source. Offer to take them out for Christmas dinner. Carry an ice chest and keep it in your room. Shop at the grocery store the day before. You won't starve missing a little food on one day. I have lots of ?, like why are you going there, have them come to you. I wouldn't take my children if it truly is a risk, and why hasn't your hubby intervened.

Of course the best senerio would be to come right out and talk to them and make yourself clear about food boundries. However, I know from experience that doesn't always work, and could make for an awkward visit with hurt feelings. But since this is literally the health of your children (and yourselves) you may just have to put your foot down and make your wishes very clear. You could also try a *little white lie* and say that you are concerned about some food allergies and you are having to monitor everything he eats. There are many symptoms of food allergies that are not physical reactions (like rashes, hives, upset stomache etc.) but reactions like mood changes, a change in behavior, speech problems etc. Both my son and my nephew have food allergies that cause them to become disruptive, angry and generally uncooperative. For my son it is certain preservatives that cause him to lose concentration and become very cranky, for my nephew it is wheat, eggs and dairy that cause him to exhibit symptoms of ADD and can cause him to have a complete meltdown. Since it is your in-laws maybe your husband could step too and talk them about proper food handling! Try telling them a horror story about someone you know getting sick from food left out too long. Good Luck, hope it all works out!

Don't give it a chance to happen. Hold your baby the entire time and don't give him away to anybody, and don't let anybody put anything in his mouth. Be nice about it, but don't budge. He's too young to defend himself, and they're too rude/dense/whatever to follow your directions, so go with your gut and don't give them a chance to put anything in his. If you can't do this, don't go. It doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me, but then neither does him getting sick all night afterwards either.

I did not read the other responses but here is my idea:
Take those gerber graduate meals and let them know that this is the diet that your child is on right now he is not eating table food at this time...just an idea.
jen

If they think you all have sensitive stomaches I would say that your baby is even worse. He must have gotten the bad tummy gene from both sides(wink wink). Then I would ask that they not feed him anything so that he doesn't have to spend Christmas sick. Nobody wants to make a baby sick. Just make ure it's convincing. It may even work to yur advantage if you start prefacing them now for his stomach "issues". When you talk to them try dropping hints like, yea the baby seems to have a really touchy tummy, or we gave him steak last night and were up all night with a sick baby. Then when you get there it's not like it's a totally new illness, they woyld have been hearing about it for a while....GL

Dear T.,
I know exactly what you are dealing with because my in-laws are oblivious to the same dangers! No one wants to eat there either and I have taught my daughter the "whys" about it. Unfortunately, there isn't a "nice" way to tell people who disregard your requests not to feed your children and chances are, they are an "offence" waiting to happen! At least that's the way my Mother-in-Law lives her life.
One way we have avoided the issue is to have the gathering at someone else's house and everyone brings something. Then we all know what "Mom" brought and avoid it. Or we have eaten at a local cafeteria that is open on Holidays and that solves the problem totally. You might do some homework on that town and see if there is a J&S cafeteria or something similar there. My Mom-in-Law knows something is up when people don't want to come over or eat there, but never does anything about the problem so rather than let my family get sick, we don't go or don't eat there. I hope it works out for you so that you don't have to be "honest" about why you don't want them feeding your children! ;-)

Telling them the truth is the best. Lying does not work. It has never worked for me and you guys have been doing this for years now and it hasn't worked for you either. If they will not respect your family then do not go. You need to think of their safety. You not going to their house may shock them into realizing that their habits are not okay.

Put your kids first. Take your own food and be confrontational about not giving them bad food or just don't go altogether.

If your kids get poisioned from rancid food this will be on your conscience. You feel bad about your son vomiting, can you imagine how you would feel if something worse happens?

Pleae know I'm not being mean in any way. You love your family very much, but need to stand up for your kids too. NOT an easy situation.

Good luck, J.

I agree with Patty. You need to put your son first, which I am sure you are but try to be nice if you can but if not then I would be blunt and let them know that you don't want your son sick on Christmas. It is not fair to you and especially your son to even give them a chance to make him sick just because you want to spare their feelings. Have your husband explain it to them since they are his side of the family. Good luck. Think of your son first.

I don't know I had trouble with this last year. If you find any good advice pass it on please!

DON'T GO! Good grief. That's insane, eating contaminated food.

I have an idea I will send my mom with you, we call her safety Susan she works for the Dept. of Health. No just kidding, not sure I think you may have to have a heart to heart with your Mother in Law no matter how hard that sounds. M., Durham

Hi T.,
You can nicely say, "we are being very strict about the kids diet and ask that you follow our request to not feed them from the table strictly, so that we can maitain control and manage their " weak stomach" tendencies. So please let us govern what they have and don't have. We promise not to let them go the least bit hungry".
Repeat this as necessary as you will need to with people that think they know best and don't listen to or respect a parents choices and wishes. I'm sure they are lovely people, I've dealt with the same mentality and I know they don't mean any harm.

If you would be so kind to elaborate on your work at home status or just give me some wisdom you may have on what's out there,I would be forever grateful.

Thanks and good luck, I'll say a prayer for your stomachs this Christmas!

J.

Hi T.~
Maybe one thing you could say to the I-L's is that your boys are on strict diets and there are only specific things they could eat, so says their doctor.
Personally I think it's horrible that your family doesn't respect you and they should keep their thoughts to themselves. Maybe your husband could say something, after all it's his parents and he should be more comfortable standing up for his family.
Maybe you could say that the trip is too expensive and you can't make it for the holidays :)
I'm surprised they don't get sick from their own food. They must have steel for stomachs.
Good luck, P.

tell them hes a vegateran. no meats that way you get rid of the risk that he gets old meat.. you could also say hes allergic to mayo so nothing that could have been left out or made days ahead gets to him. i feel your pain hunnys gma did this same thing a few years ago and he and his brother got so sick they had to call into work the next day (black friday it happend on thanksgiving) and they almost got fired... i know hes not going to loose a job but still. good luck

Your husband needs to deal with this. They are his parents. You should not be in that position. I am assuming he is on board with your feelings.

Other than that, bring your own food.
I did this for years when visiting my in-laws because they ate highly processed foods. I made my feelings clear (first to my husband - before the trip) that those foods were not ones I wanted my young children to eat.

You are your childrens' best advocate. Don't fail them, you will find the right solution.

P

How about as a Christmas gift you offer to cook a meal? Insist on buying the groceries and making a big deal of fixing it all. Go all out with a simple meal but dress it up with a nice tabelcloth, dishes, and glasses. Have simple things to eat before as appetizers and desserts for after. Sams's and BJ's have great frozen appetizers and delicious deserts. Tell your children to eat only what you fix and nothing else. You could even ask the other relatives to do the same. At our holiday meals each person is in charge of a certain aspect (side dish, dessert, bread, main dish). Tell your in-laws that them opening their house is enough this year. Tell them to relax and let you and the others serve them.

I think a combination of blunt truth, sugar coating and helping correct the source of the issue is the way to go. I would suggest saying that sometimes kids are more susceptable to bacteria than adults and you would prefer that everything be served right out of the oven. You know your older son ate something that disagreed with him when he was that age and you certainly don't want him to have to go through that, especially at the holidays. I think the grazing that goes on during the holidays is a factor also. People are eatting all day long, nibbling on anything. It's not hot...the longer it sits around, the more bacteria grows. You can add to this statement that you want him to eat a full meal and not snack all day, if you think that would help.

You might also offer to fix or bring the meat. Maybe a honey baked ham. It's ready to go...just pop it in the oven. Then you aren't dealing with raw meat on the counter too.

I too often go with a non-truth lie in attempts to buffer the situation and have less conflict. I am trying to do better myself, so I think this direct, yet softer approach while offering a solution may be the way to go.

Sorry to ramble...

Good luck!

You can either tell a little white lie before you get there stating that he has had an upset stomach and that they are not to feed him ANYTHING at all without you knowing about it. Your husband, I hope, will go along. the other thing you can do is say, "since you so graciously have us over every year, we would like to cook the Christmas day dinner" Then, you buy the ham/turkey and all the fixins and YOU wipe down the counters and clean up before you start cooking...then, you will know all food is good for the entire family. You can even ask the other relatives that visit, if they want to bring a dish or two b/c you are going to cook for everyone this year..... OR.....ask if anyone would rather go out to eat this year after opening gifts so no one has to cook. There is not a nice way to tell someone they are dirty or unclean...just work around it. You can bring your kids thier own food.....make a plate for each of them w/ food you go buy or that you bring with you. Tell your inlaws that your kids are going to start eating better b/c you are noticing they are not having healthy stools, etc. Your husband HAS to back you up on this to watch them too. Lastly, while no one is looking, wipe down the counters with a Clorox Bleach wipe and look for any meat left out....worst case, if they don't want anyone to cook, you offer to BUY the meat and go the day before, buy it, leave in the fridge under lock and key..ha ha wipe down the counters, wash dishes for he the night before, a house guest should do this anyway...etc These things should help. MIL can cook but you ofrer to buy the meat..this is what we do anyway to take cost and ease off of the person having the guests.

Good luck! W.

I know you really want to spare the feelings of your in-laws, and that is wonderful, but in this case I think being very direct and just letting them know how you feel is probably very important. You can't risk their carelessness making your child sick.

.

Hi T.! This sounds like a touchy situation. But, I have to say that if I were you I would be firm in saying that you do not want them to feed your 21 month old any food. Just let them know that you will be fixing his food because everyone seems to get sick while eating at their house. If they get mad, let them get mad. You are looking out for the safety of your child and they should understand that. I also thought that you could just tell them that your son has all of a sudden developed food allergies and you need to monitor everything that he eats:) I'm just kidding! But, I actually might do that if I really wanted to avoid the situation. But, in all seriousness, they need to understand that you don't want your children eating old food.

Best of luck!
C. H.

Is there any way that you can stay in a hotel to cut down on food that you have to eat there? Could your husband address the issue with his family? There is always the explanation that he has "food allergies".

I wonder if you could time your visit to arriving after dinner?

explain to them that he could be allergic to certain foods; and you'd like to be the one to expose him to anything new. Tell them that your ped. highly recommended trying new things one at a time for a week at a time (which is actually recommended for little ones in order to detect allergies)....

most of all - just be tactful in saying that you guys are very mindful with his diet and don't want to start a habit with him that he can taste everyones food... that could eventually come back to bite you if you're at a friends house or at a party or event with him... you don't want your little guy expecting to taste everyones food!

good luck!