Advice on Marriage Problems

I could not help but notice that you are a young couple and that could have a lot to do with it. Neither my husband or I were very mature at 21 when we married. He wanted his guy time and I wanted our time. We had a lot of fights during our first year of marriage but eventually it all worked out. We did not have children at that time either..thankfully.

It could also be that your husband is not quite ready to handle being a parent or is quite stressed things. Of course, I would definitely get myself covered just in case things reach that point and you go your separate ways. I had the same situation occur about 2 years ago with my husband and he claimed it was all my fault for being so demanding and not taking care of myself. When he realized what he would be losing and the fact that I gave it to God to deal with, he has changed. Granted, he and I went through this talking to other women online and viewing inappropriate sites from his end several times after he had promised to quit. My children are 8 and 4 so divorcing would definitely affect them and I do truly love my husband, just not his actions at that time.

We are still together and just celebrated 14 years of marriage. It was a rough road though. Keep your child in mind and talk things out..not yell them out. Think about how you treat him when he comes home and vice versa. If you attend a church, perhaps talking to your pastor or counselor about this could help.

I will be praying for you.

J. S.

You have been giving some powerful advise from other moms and mature women that know how hard it is when you are a young mom. Listen to it and follow it if you can. I wanted to suggest that you and he go to counseling.
Then about wanting to go to school to prepare if something happens that you need to raise your son on your own...
How about going to school so you have something to be proud about.???
Once you loose faith and trust it doesnt just automatically come back it takes time. And its not fast it could take months.

My husband and I had some issues when I stopped working and became a sahm. Its a hard adjustment and it does put alot of pressure on the hubby to be the only one bringing in the money and providing for the family. He told someone too that he was unhappy. Keep your chin up. Pray for your husband. Pray that you to can work on being civil and working things out.
Good luck

Hey M., Let me start by saying, there is power of a praying wife! Not telling you what I heard but what I know. There is a book "The Power of a PRAYING WIFE" by Stormie Omartian that our ministry is studying. A little about me. 32yr old, who never saw divore coming after 3yrs of marriage. Through praying, trusting, and believing, we're celebrating 8yrs in June. I started out around your age searching and needing answers. If you really want your marriage to work, surround yourself with positive people. When you pray, first pray for you to change and then him!

If he is online trying to meet people and out without you, I would spend some time getting my ducks in a row. Start back to school so that you can be prepared. It is important that you realize what to expect if something occurs. Likewise, I would do some investigation and I would get your arms around your financial situation. Know what you have and perhaps start setting some money aside if you can. I hope that it works out however you hope...I think once a man starts looking, it is usually the beginning of the end. I was caught VERY off guard during my first marriage, but I am MUCH smarter today! Make sure that you get what you are due...nothing less.

As the others have said, get your ducks lined up. Make up a list of what YOU want - education for financial security, lifestyle and the ability to raise your child on your own. If he is on the internet and running with the boys be very cautious with what you do for the next six months (put away money in a sock or something away from what he can find as a separate nest egg (I always believe a woman should have "mad money" another story). This time when you leave you will have money for a place to live when you do go don't return no matter what. You have read many stories here about unhappy homes with mom and dad fighting and such think about the strain that puts on the childs' ability to grow. You going back to school is a threat to him and he won't be able to control you and feed you lines of bull. Learn to become your own person and be depending upon no one. Don't ever let a man put you down. Should the relationship continue, it should continue with NEW game rules other wise goodbye. You are young and there are other people out there who would love to be with you on your terms. As my aunt said to me a long time ago the person you marry at 20 is not the one you would not marry at 25 and so on. My daughter just came up with a saying: "Men should be strong, soft and disposable." Good luck in your decision. Time and tide wait for no man.

I too wanted to leave my marriage after 2 years. I don't know how you feel about God, but He saved my marriage by changing me. He changed my heart and in doing that my husband responded and changed. There is a great book called Created to be his Help Meet by Debi Pearl. It taught me a lot and as I became a different wife, my husband became a different man. God does not like divorce(I know an affair gives you a scriputural divorce) but God would rather you stay together and work it out! Read this book and pray and I think God will give you your answer. Have a blessed day and good luck.

I had a similar situation. He told me many times that he would change, and I loved him, so I kept going back. He never did change, I mean, he did try, he just always went back to doing this wrong things. One time we separated and this time he did not come back. It is not impossible to raise a child on your own, I did it and I know many other women that have also done it. Years later he came back with the same promises, this time I was strong enough to say No. Now, from what I've heard, he's doing the same thing to his current wife. As much as they want to, some people never change. If you ever need someone to talk to you, send me a note. Good luck to you!

Hi M.,
One point in your post that stands out to me is that your husband is under the understanding that because he works in order for you to stay at home with your child that he is entitled to behave inappropriately by talking to other women on the internet and going out whenever he so chooses and you shouldn't be entitled to feel the way that you do about it. Never discount the way you feel about something, and don't let anyone else discount your feelings either. Unfortunately those are not the actions of a responsible adult who is committed to working things out in his marriage and at this point I would pay much more attention to if his actions show that he is trying to change moreso than just his words and his tears. He can promise to change, but unless he shows you that by his actions and not his words, I would start taking the necessary steps to do what's best for both you and your child. Children are extremely important to consider, but so are you and if you are treated unfairly, your child will be too. Divorce and raising a child as a single parent is extremely tough I think on everyone involved, but if you prepare and educate yourself on where you stand financially, you CAN do it! My mom was a single mother of 4 and she is my hero! You will be in my thoughts!!!!

Hey M.! You already have 6 responses to your question and they're all good but I want you to know that you aren't the only one out there who is young and married. I'm about to turn 21 and I have a 10 month old daughter named Abbie. My husband works really hard so that I can stay at home with her. Here comes the difference, my husband doesn't complain about it, he tells me everything he's doing, and he is still paying for my college education. I'm really blessed to have found a guy like him. Sure he goes out with his friends every once in a while but he needs to, he works hard and he doesn't have to spend every waking minute with us. Every once in a while they need alone time. The thing about your husband is that you didn't climb on top of yourself and get pregnant, it takes two. He may have a full time money earning job but taking care of a 10 month old is a job too. Just because he is the one who earns the money, doesn't give him the right to act the way he is. If he is any kind of man, he should want what is best for Micah and you, and Micah needs a father, but after a point you have to ask yourself if it's worth it? Micah may need his father, but what he doesn't need is to see his father going behind your back and talking to other girls. He needs a good role model because little boys look up to their fathers and a lot of times, turn out just like them. From the way it sounds, you don't want your son to turn out like that. I do agree that maybe he is just young and immature, but he should have grown up at least a little bit when your son was born. My suggestion if you want it is maybe you could get a job and find a babysitter for Micah. Maybe then your husband wouldn't feel like he is supporting your family by himself. Another option would be starting your own day care or finding a babysitting job. Your son would get interaction with other kids, you could be with him all day, and you would be making some extra money. Also, try to compliment your husband and make him feel wanted, maybe he just needs to feel like you need him and appreciate him. Spoil him when he gets home from work or plan things in advance for just the 3 of you to do. Meanwhile, I'll be praying for you and if you ever need to vent or anything else, message me and I'll listen cuz I know how it is. TTYL! Good Luck!

Hello Megan,
I don't have much to say that others haven't already said. I just wanted to tell you that I will pray for you and your family. My husband has two brothers and they are both going through a divorce right now and they both have children. I can tell you it isn't pretty.
I also have a son named Micah (4yo) and when I read your post it touched my heart. I hope you and your husband are able to work things out and I pray you will have strength and self confidence in your decisions.
((HUGS))
M.

Hi M., I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are young and you have your whole life in from of you. Someone told me that women think they can change men and men think that a women will never change. It's so true. My best advice is to listen to your gut. If you think things aren't right, they probably aren't. I learned that one the hard way. You've had some great advice from everyone. Read them again and again. It will lead you down the right path.
Good Luck!!!!!

Hi M.,

When I had issues during my first marriage, my Mother told me that if you leave your husbandand come back and don't threaten to leave again - if you do, then go for good. When you leave and come back and threaten to leave again, he knows you'll end up coming back, will make the same promises, won't change, etc. and he ends up controlling you more without you even realizing it.

I think it's a great idea for you to go to school and get a degree. To me, the fact that he is upset at the idea is just a way he is trying to control you.

Like Alexis suggested, get all your ducks in a row and start getting prepared for the worst. By the conversation he had with the other woman online, it almost sounds to me as if his mind is made up already.

And I know there are other moms here who have been in these situations, or they have stayed in their marriages, they have handled things differently - this is my unbiast opinion and two cents on how I suggest M. handle the situation.

Do you have friends and family in the area that you can lean on for emotional support and even monetary support if needed? Good luck M., I do hope everything works out.

XOXOXO

-Char

M.,
I have a friend who, while not as young as you are, is in the same type of marriage as you. She has 2 small boys and stayed home for the past 2 years while he worked full time to support them. She has been taking one or two classes at a time to go to nursing school. He is anything but supportive. He acts like she isn't smart enough to be a nurse and is not supportive of her taking time away from the family to study. Long story short, he ended up getting caught this past summer with another woman. She was absolutley devastated. However, she didn't leave him b/c she can't afford to go to school, raise to kids while only working a parttime job. So, she's still there, miserable, and their marriage is horrible. She plans to leave him when she's finished nursing school and can find a good job to support herself and kids. All of this being said...It's hard to have an infant at home. It's even harder to have one person in the marriage working full time to support the family and the other at home. Would it be possible for you to get a job for a few hours a week (gymboree, carter's etc..)? it would give you some time out of the house, a little extra money and your hubby would have some daddy-Micah time. The other thing I would suggest is talking to your husband. Tell him that you know about his internet woman. don't ask for explanations just say it hurts you alot, want your marriage to work but this is what you need from him. Then spell it out. 1. your support 2. your 100% commitment to the marriage 3. commitment to spending time as a couple. etc.. fill in the blanks to what is important to you. Use " I feel (blank) when you (blank)" statements. I don't know anything about either one of you but there must be a reason why you got married in the first place. Marriage takes alot of work. Its not easy especially when you throw kids into the mix. I know that every marriage goes through ups and downs and you'll make it through.Now, the other thing I would say is start setting some money aside for yourself. I have money set aside. I don't plan on leaving my husband but it's my "just in case" money. I know alot of women who do this. I hope some of this helps. I know you've gotten alot of advice. You and your family will be in my prayers. M.

Men come and men go. He's already been looking so he cannot be trusted. Trust must be earned. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

You have to know that you can be self reliant and he needs to know that you can be self reliant. What if he died tomorrow? You are simply being the best mother you can be in deciding to get your degree. Take as many hours as you can while you are still married and have his help with the bills. Texas Woman's University probably still has a wonderful early childhood development and eduction program where children can be cared for while you're in class.

Take care of any medical or dental issues while you have insurance, if applicable. Make sure you have a file at someone else's home that contains all account numbers, financial records, birth certificates, ss cards and any information you might possibly need. If your lawyer has to ask his lawyer for the info, it will cost you both big-time.

M.,
Please go get counseling.... either together with your husband or you alone if you can't get him to go. But try VERY hard. Let him know you want things to work and that you would like to go to counseling together.

You need couple counseling. You are both very young and becoming young parents is a huge transition for you both. Most of your friends don't likely have kids, so who can you or your hubby look to for ideas? It is much easier when you are older and all your friends have kids.

But you can still work this out. School is a great idea, and I bet you can find low cost or free day care at the school depending on how much your husband makes.

Just remind your husband that you are both in this together and that you want to find a way to make it a happy, productive relationship for you both.

hello...here are my thoughts...definitely stay in school and get that degree!! Do it for yourself to make YOU proud! Doesn't that bother you that he would get upset about that! He should be encouraging you...not bringing you down! You are very young and i'm assuming he is too, but this can still work out! I was young and married with a baby at 22! He was 25.i was finishing up my bachelors degree and my husband was very supportive of me...always...still is!(we are now about to celebrate our 10 years) We both had our time away with friends...we both needed it! We still have our "friends" time BUT We still make time for eachother as well as with the kiddos, of course. Now talking to other women on the internet would DEFINITELY bother me...that needs to stop b/c that's just going to lead to other things! Anyway...the first years can be a little rough, especially in your early twenties! Hang in there...it can get better as long as he's not being distracted from other women!!
hope that helps...good luck!