Advice on How to Handle Overbearing Parents/grandparents

I'm not sure if the grandparents are on which side but someone needs to put their foot down and tell them to back off. YOU are the parents and unless you go to them for advice it would be great if they kept out of it and let you and the DR's handle the situation. Making boundaries is only going to help the situation. I will tell you right now what the problem is mostly likely! MOLD! You need someone to come in and do whatever construction is needed and to do it RIGHT the first time. I'm no sure if you've seen the show on DiscoveryHome or DIY where they come in, find the problem, and trace it back to the cause of the issue. Remove the problem and fix it right beyond any minimum code requirements. That sounds like what you need. But you still need to enforce the boundaries with the grandparents. My FIL has even tried to convince us to allow my son to live with them because he has issues in school! Yeah Right! They allowed my DH to drop out when he had issues! Set the boundaries and enforce them.

M.,
Hello! I call you a super mom. Congrats on a new one on the way. I am not sure on what you use for cleaning supplies in your home, but with children playing all over the floors and picking things up and putting things in their mouth? There has been a lot of studies shown on how to get rid of the toxic things in your home. I couldn't believe what was out there and what people are still using in their home. My daughter was sneezing a lot before I switched over to non toxic products. Now she doesn't sneeze as much and the products that I use to clean and wash laundry with is non toxic as well. I am with a wellness company, just switch out your toxic chemicals and try these ones, 100% Risk Free. You can either email me, L. at ____@____.com or give me a call ###-###-####. I would love to help you out.

Honestly, I think that the best way to deal with grandparents is not to take it personally. Try to remember that in all probablity they just want to help. I'm assuming that you don't think that they're just trying to make you miserable, right? Generally when I'm offered "advice" that I could take offense at I try to remember that it's not meant to be offensive and let it go. If a response is necessary I'll give a light "thank you, we'll talk about it" or "yes, we've discussed it with the doctor" or "you're right--it's frusrating not being able to fix it the way we'd like" etc. This diffuses the situation better than getting defensive, it allows them to feel helpful and heard, and then everyone can move on from the topic.

I think that this is especially difficult when you're already feeling frustrated by a problem as I'm sure you are with these health issues. It's easy to feel as though they're criticizing you when they try to offer their suggestions. It's so easy to feel defensive. Hopefully, though, they just want answers as much as you do and since they're not the parents they feel impotent in the situation--the only thing they can think of to "do" is to keep offering unwanted advice. But if you don't believe that they're trying to hurt you, then it would help all of you to to think of them as just wanting to help their grandchild with you and be frustrated with the problem together instead of getting defensive with them. It's better for the family as a whole, avoids alienating them, and diffuses the tension.

Good luck! I know how tricky it can be! And good luck with the health challenges, too--allergies are so frustrating!

I would calmly explain to the grandparents that not only is your daughter already seeing a doctor, but she is seeing the one who put the tubes in and specializes in the ear.
In regards to the allergies, has she been tested? She could have a simple allergy to dust mites in which you can take some measures in her room and they can resolve. What type of reaction is she having and have you spoken to her pediatrician about it? It could also be asthma as we found in our daughter when she was young. That cough is so awful, as I am sure you know! Talk with your doctor and get his opinion. And remember, you are doing the best you can for your children and don't let anyone else tell you differently!

Which parents are these, yours or your husbands? How long has this issue been going on? You might just have to sit down with them (if possible to do it without losing it on them) and talk with them. Say "hey, you are not respecting us as parents of our children. We know you have gone thru this before with me, but you need to let me do things my way. If I want advice, I'll ask for it." I think there are some books out there that can help you as well, either ones for you to read or them to read. You could get one of the books for them to read and ask them to read it (make sure it goes through issues you want them to improve on and has the solutions you would like to see). And, yes, being pregnant doesn't help the situation either. You could add that in, "I am even more sensitive because I'm pregnant" which puts some of the blame on yourself. It might help them understand a little better, even if you don't feel the statement is entirely true.

I know you may be tired of "advice" for the allergies, but I am just curious what is in her room that is different in the rest of the house? How old is the house? Depending on age and condition, there COULD be hidden mold in that room that is not elsewhere. That would be my first suspicion and one way to check is to clean the room out, wash it down, then have her spend some time in there and see what her reaction is. If she is still having problems, there is nothing else for her to react to. I know when I've ripped out carpets, they are disgusting with the amount of mold on them. Sorry for the "unsolicitated" advice, but I wanted to give you my thoughts in case this something you haven't thought of.

Are these your parents or your husband's? If his, he should tell them to back off. In either case, you can say, "Thank you for your concern. I will let you know when we have more information." Are they calling or coming over? If calling, get caller ID and don't always pick up! Have they always been this way, or is this a new behavior in response to your child's allergy? Contacting THEIR physician makes no sense. If you aren't happy with your physician, then get a second opinion of your own choosing. Allergies can take time to diagnose, but do NOT take the blame for something in your house/her room that is making your daughter react.

As to her allergies, have you looked into Reliv nutritional products? They are patented food products from an outstanding and highly regarded company. There are outstanding results with allergies, both in kids and in adults. Lots of parents have been advised by physicians to get rid of carpets, pets, stuffed animals, and all kinds of other things - but Reliv helps the body cure itself. Reliv has a specific kids' product that is delicious and would be good for both kids. The adult products are great for prenatal care and overall adult health. They are not sold in stores because the follow-up is a key element to success - but they are sold through independent distributors. Let me know if you want more information, or call the company for the name of a distributor - 1-800-RELIV-US.

Good luck on all counts!

My mother does stuff like this all the time. I've learned to say "I'll take that into consideration" and move on...

It makes her think I value her opinion (because I really do, but she also thinks it's okay to give a 2 week old melted chocolate.. so I take it with a grain of salt).

However, if she says these things in front of my son.. I've had to correct the situation right away. For instance "We're going to the animal shelter after lunch!" and I responded with "If you eat like your supposed to and do your chores, we will go to the animal shelter. However, we can't take any animals home with us". (because I know that is coming later in the day and I'll just get it outa the way now).

I think it's easier because it's MY mom... I make my husband deal with HIS mom on issues like this... (but his mom is usually right... !)

Melane,

Sorry to hear about all the stressors you're dealing with right now. Sounds like you are doing the right things. I am also sure your parents mean well and are sincerely concerned about their grandchildren. If you don't want their opinion maybe you shouldn't share your concerns with them. What they don't know they can't nag about.

I know you need their support but if they have a strong opinion about something like this they may find it very difficult to keep it themselves. Sometimes a good friend makes a better place simply to vent then a parent, they always want to fix what's broken.

J. L.

Are they your parents or your husband's? Whomever they belong to gets the lucky job of having a polite "back off" conversation, I think. Trust me, we've had to do it in our family and it worked. Some people might pout for a day or two, but they'll get over it. They are, after all, older than you are! :)

Hi M.!
What a tough situation! However, YOU are the child's mother and are doing all you can right now to help right the situation. As far as the grandparents are concerned....smile, nod, explain firmly but politely that you are on top of the situation and will let them know what you find out. End of discussion. If YOU feel that you need to call the dr. again before Tuesday then by all means do that but don't do it because you feel pressured by well meaning grandparents.

Good luck!

Hello M.!
Here is something that I have to remind myself sometimes, you cannot change what people do or say to you, you can only change the way you react to what people say or do. So focus on what you can do to let it go. You can listen, but then do what you know is best for your child! I'm sure they are giving advice with best intentions, and remember it is nice to have grandparents that are involved in your lives, and who care about you and your little ones! Good luck!
L.

I feel you...Both my husband's and my side can be very overbearing. At first I let it go but then it got to be to much. Tell them you are handling your daughters care and following the doctors orders and when you feel there is a need to seek more medical attention because the problems are not being solved you as her mother will do so. Just keep your foot down with them and let them know YOU are the mother and thanks for advice but you will do what is right each step of the way.

Good morning!
I too have somewhat overbearing parents/grandparents who live 2 miles away. I have yet to figure this one out...However, my suggestion is go to an allergist and have your daughter tested for enviromental allergies and then you'll know and with the help of your allergist you'll know what to look for in her room and what to do. She may be allergic to dust mites who live in mattresses and pillows and comforters and carpetting in even the cleanest of households. She may be allergic to feathers ...thus down comforters and pillows may be the problem. But get her tested and you'll have the results in 20 minutes and have a treatment plan by the end of the visit....My now 6 year old son went for scratch tests when he was 2 and a half after the rast testing proved to be useless...

Good luck
mm

I have worked at an alternative physicians clinic for years and the first thing we do with ear infections is take the child off of cows milk (and any other dairy products). Of course with overbearing parents who believe cows milk is the best food for children you will have ANOTHER battle. Refer to Dr. Frank Oski's book, "Don't Drink Your Milk". He is or was the head of the pediatric department at John Hopkins.

You need to tell the grandparents truthfuly and frankly that you appreciate their concern BUT ths is your child and will do what is best for her.
I have in-laws that do the same thing. Being truthful and up front is the best for anyone's sanity. If they do not like it.. oh well.. you were being honest and only wanted to express your feelings. It's better than holding it all in and lying to them and--- to yourself.

I feel for you, M., because you are already stressed out enough about your daughter's health issues without having to deal with overbearing parents on top of that. Have you tried to talk to you parents about this? Maybe you could tell them that you're willing to hear their input, but will take your own actions and expect them to respect your decisions. If they don't, how about some consequences? It works for toddlers, so why shouldn't it work for parents? By the way, have you considered the possibility that your daughter has asthma? Mine does (it was worse at 3 than now at 5) and she would cough constantly in her room. We took the rug out of her room, put hypoallergenic covers on her mattress and pillow (they are easily available online), and regularly wash her linens and stuffed animals in hot water. It's been a big help. Good luck with everything!