Advice on How to Handle 3 1/2 Year Old's Fears

Hi A.,

Best I can suggest is that you find some books at the library about fire/firefighters/fire prevention. He probably saw a story on the news or something without you realizing it and he needs to understand that the fireplace is a "safe" place to have a fire. Have you tried sitting with him on your lap at the other end of the room cuddling with him and asking him to look at the fireplace? Maybe he needs to realize that the fireplace isn't moving or changing at all. If he's seen the movie "Monster House" it may have scared him, too. Take things one step at a time and gradually he will come around as long as you don't get stressed while trying to help him deal with it. If he senses your stress he might mistake it with you fearing it as well. When he was littler how many times did you tell him "no" when he got close to the fireplace? He may be remembering that, too. Having his classmates dad come over in full gear explaining to him the safe features of the fireplace may help, too. (Authority figure other than mom or dad.) Have him tell your son "it is safe to be x feet away from the fireplace. The fireplace itself can't catch fire and it won't catch you on fire either." Maybe a demonstration outside might help, too. Can you catch a brick on fire? etc. Always remember, though, a meltdown is his way of communicating with you when he can't find the words. Tell him to look you in the eye, redirecting his face to you, blocking his line of sight to the fireplace and pointing to the space between your eyes if needed, tell him to calm/slow down and use his words. If you can have him in the room not looking at the fireplace and using his words that is the first step to getting through this ordeal. It will get easier the longer you work at it.

Good luck - S.

PS. When my son was that age he had meltdowns over the garbage men taking the garbage away. You are not alone. :o)

Have you thought of the Santa story? Without a fireplace he has to find a different door. Watch "Santa Claus the Movie". Just a thought.

Good luck!

S.

Maybe he's connecting it to a bad dream? Something he may have seen on tv and then had a scary dream about. I have a 26 year old who had a terrifying dream about skis! No kidding. Terrified him for years. I think it was more he'd seen my skis in the basement, which wasn't the most delightful place, went to bed, slept in a way his ears were uncomfortable on his pillow, and his mind put it all together in a long lasting recollection. I never saw a kid get out of a top bunk bed so fast and be scared to go to bed for nights after.
So it's quite possible that seeing somethng somewhere about fire/fireplaces that seemed destructive, could've triggered it.

I have had a similar experience, although not as extreme as yours, with my 3 year old twin girls. Their playroom is our living room which has a fireplace in it. For about 2 months, the girls wouldn't play in their playroom, they would take some of the toys (furthest from the fireplace to another room to play). At the same time, one of my daughters started asking questions about Santa coming down the chimney and she didn't want Santa coming down the chimney...then she started asking about wolves coming down the chimney and then I realized we had started reading The Three Little Pigs at the same time and at the end the wolf comes down the chimney...we talked about it many times, reinforcing that its a story, make pretend and wolves can't come down chimneys. After two months, they were over it. Wonder if its something like that going on with your son? Good luck.

My Son went through this after the Fireman visted his preschool. I later had the opportunity to see the video he had shown to a class full of 3yr olds. *I* was traumatized by that video and I'm a grown woman!

He could have seen footage of fire on tv just in passing and quickly made the connection between fire-fireplace and be remembering the imagary of fire eating up everything in sight.

Does he have a lovey? Something that he can cuddle and get comfort from when confronted with a fire/fireplace?

I think you are probably going to have to ride this one out until he has worked through his feelings on it. It took a good 6months for my son to "get over it"

A.; well first of all he knows if he can pitch a big fit about it he can go home, second of all you probably celebrate a holiday where an old man comes out of a fireplace, most kids are scared of santa and what he represents, and wehre he comes from, the fireplace is not a safe place nor does it make you feel safe when big fat guys can fit down it with big scary white beards, i would not worry about him going onto the hearth of it, he should not be there anyway , its good to keep his distance, first of all we should not tell children such lies that lead to fear, he needs to knwo that is just a story, second of all its a good fear to have, no one wants a big dark hole in their house, its a scary hole,i would say yes the fireplace can be a scary place, but most fireplaces have nothing to be afraid of, no one comes in its completely closed off, and the only thing it is good for is a place to keep fire so it can warm us and not hurt us, his fears may not be from a fire itself, try having a bon fire outside, and say things like its a good thing we got a fireplace in the house so we can stay warm and safe, have him roast a marshmellow and eat it, or watch someone roast it, and fire is a good thing to stay away from but your childs fear is not from fire, your fireplace has been locked, try putting a fire in it when he is asleep one night, or while he is there have him watch you build it ready to light, i think he wll be ok once he knows no one can cmoe through it, most parents allow thier kids to watch christmas shows and read them stories, but they dont realize that telling a child such lies can do them damage, so tell him the truth and let him know its safe, he will still love you and love the time his family gets together and gives gifts to each other, so have a happy day and its ok to let him have his fear and you say its ok, maybe get some coloring books out or leave his toy by it, and see if he goes and gets it , just be happy, little ones have fears, its ok, D. s

Theirs a Bear Knows More book where bears friends build a fire, pop corn, brew tea, and have a lot of fun.
I hope it helps. And it's a fun read. A. H