Advice on How to Cope with a Miscarriage

I had one in between my 3 and 2 year olds. You just have to keep your head up and know that we all are here for you. And talk to family about how you are feeling. Don't hold it in you'll just feel worse. ____@____.com is my email I'm here for you to cry on or whatever you need.

A loss of a child is difficult at any stage. I buried 2 babies in 2003. I had twins and they were very preemie. I belong to an online support group through yahoo groups called Angel Connection. This deals with loss of all ages. It has been very comforting. I have found that the saying is hurtful but true, everything happens for a reason. You will heal but not completely. The pain will always be there, some days more than others. I find it difficult to see children that are the same age as my twins would be. And it is hard to see girl/boy twins. I hope you find peace soon.

I first want to say I am sorry you are going through this I have never experienced it but I am putting myself in your shoes make sure you are taking breaks for yourself take the time you need I read you stay at home with your twins which would be alot in it's self as mothers we want to fix everything for everyone and and forget about our feelings you and your body need a chance to heal think about what you want it would make me feel better if.... we can't escape ourselves and our thoughts you need sometime and space to do that so you don't feel like you can't cry it out everything in life is so fast paced so even when something like this happens we feel like we are expected to get over it quickly and I don't think that is the case give yourself time don't be afraid to ask for help so you can get it Im bad about that I will say prayers for you and I hope this helped some

I went through 2 miscarriages and D & C's. Just remembering that you are not alone always helped me. One of my friends told me (when I found out I was pregnant the 3rd time) that it was still the same soul. When I begin to feel sad and begin to think about the past 2 pregnancies, I just remember that I wouldn't have my baby girl if it didn't happen that way. It's what God intended to happen. Just be optomistic about the future possibilities! Take care and remember you are not alone.

Remember also, that you have been blessed with your twin girls as well as the ability to get pregnant. There are so many loving families, financially and emotionally ready for a child but cannot conceive. I bet those girls make you smile! :)

I am so sorry. :-(
I have had two miscarriages...the latest just a few months ago. That baby would have been due in a couple of weeks. I understand and there is no good way to cope with it. It is like any other death, it takes time. Talk to other people who have had it happen when you feel like it, that helps. We actually buried our baby (I was only 9 weeks along but lost it at home) in a small wooden box in our flower garden. This is probably not an option for you, but making some kind of small memorial is a good idea. I have a little angel statue in the garden and a solar light. We have little ornaments for our Christmas tree for our lost babies.
All these things might help, but only time and God can heal. You might think about blogging as it helps to sort out your feelings. If your depression gets worse or doesn't seem to ease, talk to your doctor. Many times you can have almost a postpartum type of depression that might require some medication. If you need someone to talk to, let me know.

The only real advice I could give you is to pray about it. Hopefully and I pray it will never happen again to you or myself, but we never know what God has instore for us. I myself had a miscarriage about 11 years ago and I still think about it from time to time. I always wonder if it was a boy or girl. Back then my doctor told me that I couldn't have any children and I have 3(twin boys&daughter) to this day. So like I said, you never know what to expect in life. Just keep your head up and stay strong for you twin girls. You will probably have emotional days for awhile but thats only normal. Even though I don't know you I will still pray you you and your family. T.

A.--no matter what anyone tells you including me this isn't going to be easy. I had 3 miscarriages before I had my daughter who is now almost 3 and then just this past June my son was born stillborn so I do understand your loss. I am still going thru emotional waves...sometimes I just start crying for no reason. My husband and I bought a new house the month before I lost him and now I have his room set up and I can't even bring myself to keep the door open and it's been 3 1/2 months since he was stillborn. Things like this take time and everyone copes differently. I found after lots of advice from other moms here at Mamasource that talking to people helps. It's hard at first but it does help. Remember there are a lot of people who love you and whatever you do----do not shut your husband out. Hope this helps. If you need anything let me know.
T.

A., I am very sorry that you had to go through this. I, too, at 24 went through the same thing. i already had a perfectly healthy son and the next thing I knew, I was pregnant again, then miscarried. What got me through this tough time in my life was me thinking that there may have been somethine wrong with this unborn child and the man up stairs knew that I or my family couldnt handle this and it was best for the unborn child. I know how hard it is and I also know that nothing I can say will make it better but....try to think positively and keep your head up because you have 2 beautiful little girls who depend on you. That also helped me knowing that I had a little boy who depended on me. I hope that this may have helped you some and again, I am very sorry.
-T.

A., I too experienced a miscarriage before I carried four other healthy children and first I want to let you know many women can feel the pain you are experiencing. We are made to love the children we are carrying and it is a shock to realize we will never get to mother the child. You will grieve and you will probably also appreciate the children you have even more after the realization that every pregnancy doesn't work. Give yourself some time for your hormones to level out. You will never forget the child you lost but the pain will cease after some time. You are blessed!!

A.,
I am so sorry for your loss. As a mother of two girls, I fully understand how you feel. I lost my middle daughter Tabitha in 1990 at 6 months. She was not due until November but was born July 26th weighing in at 1lb. 7 oz. She was born extremely week with under developed lungs. She lived for 46 minutes and died peacefully in my arms. It was a very difficult time for me as my best friend had delivered a very healthy daughter on that very same day. It was a trying time as I also had a 4 year old at home that did not understand why her mommy was crying all the time. My friends were a big comfort as well as church family. She is buried in between two flower gardens in my inlaws back yard. Although that is not an option for most families, to me, putting her in a big cemetary was not something I could handle at the time. I go to visit her grave often and am looking forward to the day I meet with her up in heaven. Knowing that someday I would be with her again was the comfort I needed to get me through a difficult time. I kept myself busy with my other daughter and the following November found out that I was yet, pregnant again. Although very nervous and bed ridden for three months, we finally had a healthy baby girl. She is now 15. Although it may seem that life has given you a deep blow, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Keep faith in your heart and friends and family by your side.
Sincerely,
Tricia Sullivan

I'm so sorry for your greif and loss. Hunter would have been 5 this Feb. I had a very hard time dealing with my miscarriage. I think the hardest parts were the dr. telling me that "the pregnancy is no longer valid" like I had put in the wrong PIN number at the ATM. Then my boss not understanding why I was so upset (just 4 days after I found out I had lost the baby). He actually said "I don't know why you are so upset, this happens to a lot of women, and it wasn't even a real baby yet." I was in such shock. I quit the next week. I found a lot of comfort in the message board at Babyzone.com. I also had a birthday party of sorts on my due date, and made a mother's bracelet with Hunter's birthstones on it (I put both the month he should have been born and the month I lost him). I didn't have any other children I could concentrate on, and I don't know if that was good or bad, but when i became pregnant again, I spent the whole pregnancy worrying that I would loose that baby too. Makaya just turned 2 in July, so things worked out fine, but I still think of Hunter and wonder what he would look like now, wonder if he would be quiet and reflective, or a ball of energy. So often I wonder how things would be different, but I can't change what happened, so I just think of all the good things i have now and how wonderful my life is now.

You will never forget your baby, and I don't think it's right for any one to tell you you should. That was your baby, and they are now and will always be a part of your family no matter how it changes and grows in the years to come. I'm sure you will have many tear filled days and nights ahead of you, and just when you think your "OK", and your back to "normal", a crying fit will sneak up on you. You will probably start seeing babies every where, and you will most likely even see mothers who are so unfit and undeserving of a baby, but that will pass.

A few weeks after I had my daughter, my Mid-wife sent me a story about spirit babies, and it was so wonderful. If you would like to read it, send me an e-mail and I'll send it to you. ____@____.com

Please know that it will get better, but it may take a long time.

Warmest regards,
S.

My 2 best friends each had this happen recently..I guess everyone thinks.."Why did this happen?" I think it's a little comforting to at least know you're not the only one..I never realized how often this happens, until now, since noone talks about it, just know that you're not alone, and that there is a reason for everything, and that everything DOES work outin the end. I'll pray for you and your healing...

A.,
My deepest sympathies. We too had a little one that went directly to heaven. My comfort is in the fact that I will see him when I get to heaven but it is incredibly hard to wait. Finding someone who could relate helped me a lot. Also, staying away from those who made unknowingly unkind comments (especially the ones who wanted me to be over it already within a few weeks). Naming our son and having a funeral mass to acknowledge all of our dreams for him was our first step to dealing. Don't know if Faith is a part of your life but it helped us greatly. Forgive me for being politically incorrect.
There are some good books out there if you like to read. I found The Grief Recovery Handbook helpful. There is also ones specifically related to miscarriage and infant death that helped me handle it. One of the better ones was called Free to Grieve. I still have both books and can share them if you are interested. There is a book for your older kids called We were going to have a baby, We have an angel instead. Don't have a copy of that but know it is available through Amazon.
To be honest, I still grieve and have accepted that I probably always will. Everyone grieves differently, I think that was the hardest lesson for me. I was aggravated with the people who acted like our Jaeden Richard never existed but then again, I was aggravated with most everyone at one time or another.
One of the important things is to not be too hard on yourself. It's okay to cry or scream or shut down or get overwhelmed. The rollercoaster of emotions is a ride I got quite familiar with. It helped that my husband and I could talk about it and still can.
Making a memory box helped us too. We included his sonogram pix, the sympathy cards we received and we both wrote letters to him telling what we had dreamed for him.
God bless you all.

The only real advice I can give is just to take it one day at a time and to let yourself grieve. The numbeness sucks, but the tears will come and they do help. It is not going to be easy, but with time it will get easier. I found online support groups very helpful. There is a good pregancy loss support group on pregnancy.org and that really helped me. Just knowing I was not alone was a big comfort. Unfourtuneately I was never able to find a local support group. I looked, but nothing. Hope this helps as much as it can.

A.,

First, I am very sorry for the loss of your child. Second, I have a lot of opinions on this subject, so I hope I can help and do not offend you in any way.

In December 2004, I gave birth to identical twin boys. One son is healthy. Our other son died from a cord accident during delivery. They were 36 weeks -- pretty much full term for twins, as you probably know. I tell you this so you know that I understand your pain. Some may dismiss this as "only a miscarriage" or say awful things like "miscarriages happen because there is something wrong with the baby". Ignore all of that and, if necessary, distance yourself from anyone who makes those insensitive remarks. That child is and will always be a part of your family. You had plans for him or her. You already loved him or her. This baby matters just as much as any other child. You have a right to grieve, and in order to be healthy again, you MUST grieve. And there is no timeframe on how long that will take you. Also, people are wrong when they say you will get over it. You don't get over it, you absorb it and it becomes part of who you are and part of your personal history. Yes, it does get much easier to get through each day, but you will never forget this child, and you don't have to forget this child.

The NICU nurses recommended this really great group to me and my husband -- Neofight -- www.neofight.org or ###-###-####. I HIGHLY recommend getting in touch with them. You have to talk about this loss, the awful experience of the D&C, the moment when you found out your baby was gone, and all the other very difficult moments that happen when a baby is lost.

Also, I'm far from a professional in dealing with this, but you can also email me directly. If you are interested, I can get you a list of some of the books we found useful.

Above all, take care of yourself, claim your right to gireve your child, and know that time does make it easier to find happiness again.

K.

Reading this made me cry. I've never experianced the loss of a child, but I do have the fear of it happening. I've already been in preterm labor twice this pregnancy. My best advice to you is to trust in God. Your little one is in heaven right now with him playing on streets paved in Gold. Pray for comfort and peace of mind. I will be sure to pray for you myself. I can't imagine the devistation you must be going through, but know that your child is being loved and cared for and is safe with the lord above. *I hope this isn't offensive to you because I don't know your beliefs*

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I had mine 5 years ago. They tried to get me to start planning on my next conception, but I was in school and it was unplanned as it was. . . but it still hurt alot. I only knew it for one week before I miscarried and I was in either the 4th or 6th week. I was not even ready for a child when I became pregnant, but it was the worst pain I had ever felt. I ran through a lot of emotions. The hardest one I dealt with was feeling guilty even though I knew it wasn't anything I could do.

My dad said something to me that somehow made me feel better. He said "feeling that way is just part of being a parent. No matter what happens to your child your fault or not, you will always feel guilty." I think it made me feel better because I then felt I had a reason/right to feel that way. It was so much better than someone saying to me. "It isn't your fault, there is nothing you could have done." I hated hearing that. Eventhough I knew they were right I couldn't understand why I felt the way I did.

I will tell you that it took me a long time to get over the miscarriage. I still ache when I hear that someone else went through the same thing. I can completely connect to many of the feelings you are going through and are yet to experience. I wish I could take that pain away from you. But since I can't I will let you know that day by day. . . little by little, it will get better. I am not sure it truely ever goes completely away, but thinking about it all the time will lessen each day. Hang in there, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care. K.

hi A. my name is K. and I have not had a miscarriage but have dealt with them on the emotional end due to having sisters and sister-in-laws who have had them! You just need to stay positive, listen to the doctors in what they are telling you, there are lots of reasons of miscarriages and most is cause of your body and out of your control until a doctor figures out all the WHY's and helps prevent one again! My sister in law has had two miscarriages within the last yr, they have a 5 yr old and now currently are having a successful pregnancy! the last two miscarriages have only been since Nov of 2005! She just leaned and geared to family and friends to talk about what she was comfortable talking about! she went through some time of not working to get herself together and just stayed positive and focused on why this had happened twice working with her doctor and is pregnant again almost out of the first trimester where the first two unfortunates took place...Its not an easy subject in my family! we all have babies or children and many want to continue growing and developing our family to more.....

A.,

I am so sorry. I just wanted to say you are in my prayers.

I had 7 m/c before I had my son, then had my daughter, then had 2 more m/c's after her (she's 3 1/2 now). for me, its not so much that I saw it get easier each day, so much as it was just that I had no choice but to pick my head up & focus on breathing each day, hoping to get through the day. some days I did good, others I had all I could do to remember my name, but as time went by then I would get up more & more. the main thing is to not be ashamed of your emotions, no matter what they are. if you want to cry all day, that's normal & fine, if you want to laugh & smile all day that's just fine too, its all what you feel, that's the important thing. don't be afraid of any of your emotions. find ppl to talk to (on here, in real life, on the phone...), just take it one day at a time hon. & if you need to scream or any thing just know that your never totally alone! *HUG*

babyzone.com has a child loss board on the messgae boards. It's for women who have miscarried or lost a child later in life. It is amazing, I definitely encourage you to check it out. They are all very nice women and it has become more of a group of friends/family rather than random people on the internet. When you can't talk to your friends or family, it's a great place to vent. They have awesome ideas with how to cope too!

Sorry about your loss.I went through the same thing,it will be 2yrs ago in Nov.For me it just took time.Each day got a little easier,but I still to this day think about it.I wish you all the best and just take things one day at a time.