Advice on Getting 3 Year Old Son to Sleep Alone - and Stay in Bed All Night

When my DH was out of town for several months when kiddo was 3, he piled into bed with me. Then when DH came back we had the same problem.

ODDLY, what "worked" was talking to him and giving him 2 choices:

1) He could "start out" in our bed (and get moved)

or

2) He sleep in his room could climb in with us in the morning.

For us what worked best was having him start out in our bed... because it became a great motivator: Because if he "couldn't sleep in our bed" (aka stay in bed) he'd have to go to his room.

On average he started out in our room 4 nights out of 7.

But yeah. The "this is what we're going to do and here are your 2 choices" (and being solid both in that he got to choose... which fed the whole independence thing AND in "this is the way it is") worked (for us) phenom, and continues to in many areas. He might not LIKE his choices, but they are his choices to make. If he tries to not make a choice, then it becomes my choice.

How I would work it (using that template) is that he could EITHER choose to have you lay with him when he goes down OR later when he wakes up.

OR

He can choose to have a story or a song, OR you can just kiss goodnight... but you can't stay after that. If he throws a fit about you not staying then it's just the kiss on the head and go sans story or song. "I can stay for a STORY, but I can't stay to sleep, are you sure you don't want me to stay for a STORY? Or do you want me to go?"

Then when he gets up again, you just highlight that you ALREADY stayed and snuggled/read/sang.

<grinning> I just love impossible/ win-win choices. They're deliciously unfair.

You need to do a couple of things, first off, make his room special for him........put up glow in the dark stars and planets, or whatever he likes that is available. Next, make sure he has books etc in his room, so if he wakes up there is something for him to do.......and you might want to put a radio or something that plays soft music on as well. Out of his reach of course.....

Next you need to explain to him that you now have to take care of the his sibling and it needs care just like he did at that age........explain to him that he is the big brother, and how important it is for him to let you have the time you need for you, him and the new baby..........involve him with the baby a lot even if it is getting diapers, picking out what clothes it will wear etc.........

Explain to him that he needs to sleep all night so he can be a bigger help to you all in the morning and that you will not be coming up anymore. Also, start a night time routine with him if you don't have one. Bath, jammies, read a book, tucked in, nighty night.........

He will get it all figured out, but you have to be consistent and regular with what you do. Be sure to praise him when he does do the right things especially at night.....

Congrats on the little one and take care.

Healty Sleep Habits, Happy Child- buy this book

It saved me.

Best luck!

Three suggestions: rewards, rewards, rewards.

Also, do not blame it on the baby needing you. He doesn't need another reason to resent the baby coming.

Give him a lot of decisions to make concerning the baby. He will feel more important if you need him to help make decisions about what the baby needs and when. For example, should I feed the baby here or there? Should the baby wear this or that?

I had this problem with my first born and then made a point of never starting it with the other two. But a Montessorri teacher gave me a book that is now out of print that I used to stop it.
1. Have a serious talk and say "Mommy is very tired from being woken up every night and you are too. We both need our rest and so from now on I need for you to stay in your bed at night and not wake me up. Give them everything they need. Like a cup to get their own water or whatever, a night light for the bathroom etc.
2. Tell them the consequences. Mine were that my door would be locked and that I would no longer respond if woken up in the middle of the night. We now understand each other and understand that this is disturbing our sleep.You are big now and no longer need me at night.
3. The first night my daughter came to the door and threw the biggest fit. If she had stuck with one thing I probably would have given in. She said "I am thirsty, hungry, sick, need to go to the bathroom, on and on with everything she could think of.
4. This is the most important thing. You can not respond or get into a conversation with them or this is reinforcing them and giving them attention even if it is negative. You do not want it to be negative. You were firm and matter of fact the night before when you discussed it and now there is no need to discuss it with a three year old in the middle of the night , this is what you are trying to stop.
5.My daughter got angry and went back in her room and peed all over her bed and then came back to my door and said in this pitiful voice, "Mommy I cannot get back in bed because I had an "accident".
Well I was ticked by that time but calmly replied then get your pillow and sleep on the floor.
It was tough, my husband was ready to cave in but we stayed strong and it never happened again. She slept through the night from then on and we would brag in the morning about how big she was and well everyone slept.
Good luck.

I never started doing what you did, but I did have to use that method (learned on Super Nanny :) when my daughter starting having separation anxiety at bedtime and it worked. I just stayed in her room at first close by her but with my back turned and only would say a few words at the beginning if she got up out of bed-like it is bedtime, goodnight-then after that no talking only putting her back in bed. Each night same technique just moving closer and closer to the door until finally about a week later was all the way out the door and she was fine. Good luck to you, those sleeping habits are hard to break I heard and I would suggest with your new baby not to start so you don't have to conquer it later.

The info below on routines may help and the link has more info:
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2009/10/30/...
Routines and Rituals by Kyle D. Pruett, M.D
Ah, routines and rituals…such comforts against the one universal truth that life is nothing but change. Our children seem to get this sooner than we parents. When they struggle as infants to get the day and night thing down, they are teaching us how important and soothing the predictable is when tired, hungry, cranky and the like. As toddlers, we watch in amazement as they doggedly line up their shoes, trucks or dolls in the face of a little uncertainty and in search of the reassuring symmetry of order. These are not simple entertainments, but powerful and effective coping strategies that, if we are lucky, they never quite give up.

I had the same problem. I explained to my son why I couldn't sleep in his bed with him at night and told him that he would get a "big boy" thing when he could fall asleep without me for a week. I told him I would count and give him some time to get settled but then Mommy had things to do. After I would go through the normal 'tucking him in' routine I would tell him that Mommy will count to 200 but then she has to do the dishes, feed the babies(I have twins), etc. So, I sit on the end of his bed and ignore him while I count to 200, more or less. Then I get up and walk out of his room without looking at him. Sometimes if he cries for me I go back, but I give him a kiss, blankie him back up, and tell him that Mommy will count to 100. So far it's worked and that was three months ago. I've never had to visit him more than 3 times. Usually it works the first time. He got a fish, his first pet, as his "big boy" thing. It's still alive.