Advice on 2 Year Old Boy Hitting

My youngest boy went through a hitting phase as well (it seems to be ending now). I read him the book Hands are Not for Hitting, and then each time he was about to hit his brother (target of choice), I would say "nice to meet you". He would get so distracted (not easy to do at that age!), and go around to everyone in the house to shake their hand. It was the only way we could get him refocused on something else, because like you, the time outs were not working.

Good luck!
J.

My daughter had started biting at that point, turned out she was frustrated and didn't have the vocab to work it out. So we worked on what to say, she has a huge vocab now at 5.
Good luck, A. H

Hi D.,
It does seem to always be about the attention/competition, doesn't it?!?!

Sounds like you are on the right track...I was thinking that if you used a firm (not excited/shocked) tone and matter-of-factly said, "We don't do that. The toy has to go into timeout too."

Then after timeout he has to play by himself (seperate from the other child and you) for two minutes. Then you can reinforce that we don't get to play with others when we hurt them.

By now he knows he's not supposed to do it and at this age he is all about the reaction. If you take the emotion out of it, he may not find it rewarding.

I hope this helps. I have 3 boys who I am still training to "play nice".

Blessings,
C.

Is your son speaking well yet? I'm just curious, but if he's not able to communicate, he may be frustrated, too, because he's at an age where he has desire to speak but doesn't have his words yet. If this is true, try some baby sign - there are lots of books - or speak to your doctor about a speech pathologist.

If he's on target with talking, maybe it's the method of the time out? Make certain he's not getting attention from the other child or you - no eye contact, talking or attention of any kind! Trust me, I know this is hard to do with another kid in the room.

Also, if the time out doesn't seem to affect any alteration in behaviour, perhaps you could take toys away, especially the one he hit with. While you're doing it use calm words to explain why you're taking the toy away. He may just pick up another toy and do it again, and you can continue to take the toys away until there's no more ammunition. I have done this with my son until he had NOTHING except a bed and covers, but he learned. Then it was a toy time-out for so many minutes (1 per year of age).

Good luck!

Take the toy away?

I'd also get him busy with things other than toys. Stimulate the mind somehow. Plop him down in front of the tv if you have to. You're liable if he hits the other child too hard. It'll come down to the other child will cry and not want to come to your house and his mum will ask why.
Then there's a situation. Put your son in his room until he can behave and explain why he's confined to his room.

I agree with another Mom that said the Time out is not working. Each child is different and you need to find what trips up this boy. My youngest was a hitter and is still very physical (both good and bad). A time out was a waste of time for him, but when he was 2 and would get upset I would sit and hold him until he calmed down. He doesn't say much on a good day, so "using his words" didn't work. He just needed to learn to calm himself down and at 10 it has been working until he plays football!

Begin to notice when the hitting is typical to occur. Is it when he wants a toy, when the other boy is playing alone and not paying attention to him etc. Stay nearby and begin to anticipate it before it happens. Gently and firmly take hold of his hand as he raises it to hit and say "I can't let you hit Jason(name of boy)" (or I can't let you hurt...)He needs to feel safe that you are there to keep him from hitting. After hitting he feels guilty and even more so at getting punished... feels "bad" and laughter is often a way of unloading those negative feelings that he doesn't understand. So anticipating and getting in there... the quoted statement is important especially the "I can't let you..." part. He needs to know that someone is in control of what he is not in control of. - His emotions. After stopping the hit from happenting, you can draw him close to you and reassure him that he is loved just with the action. Then you can ask him, in a way to elicit a response, not a way to guilt him or control him... something like..."son, I know you enjoy playing with Jason, he must have really upset you for you to feel the need to hit him." or you can phrase the emotion for him, such as "you must be sad (angry, frustrated... whatever you perceive) that Jason isn't playing with you or sharing with you etc etc or because you wanted Jason to play with it a different way etc etc....
At 2 years old.. he may or may not be able to express yes, or no or ellaborate to you, but just having empathy with the feelings that caused him to lash out will be enough. He may break into tears, or get angry and want you to put him down... if he does those are both normal ways for him to unload the upset feelings that started the desire to hit to begin with. Just stay with him, let him get the tears out, if he is angry and tantruming, hold him safely, restraining enough so he nor anyone else gets hurt, but still stay with him. Reassuring that you know it is tough learning to play with others, etc....
Let me know if you have questions or feel free to give me feedback on your results. I am parenting educator promoting connection parenting.

Hi D.,
Sounds like he is enjoying the reaction. Hitting has been effective in getting attention. The next time you son hits this boy, go straight to the boy that he hit and give him a lot of attention, making sure he is okay and minimize the attention that your son receives. After you have attended to the other boy, using a neutral tone of voice (with no observable anger) implement a consequence, saying something like "Drew no hitting, time-out" and calmly walk him over to the time out location. This will decrease the reaction he receives from everybody, give you a chance to calm down and then implement a consequence. It will also demonstrate that he does not receive attention for hitting others and in turn by hitting others any attention you were giving him now goes to someone else.

This is what I do with my daughter and have done when working in daycares and preschools (I worked there for 10 years). When they are using a toy inappropriately the toy gets a time out. Use you best judgement for how long the toy stays in time out, I usually keep it there long enough that they have asked for it once or twice and tell them the toy is in time out because they did not use it properly (for my daughter I tell her she was mean when using the toy since she does not understand the word not yet). Then when the toy comes out of time out I reinforce that the toy has to be used nicely or else it will go bye-bye again. Also instead of using words like we don't hit with the toy, try something like we build with the blocks, or the truck's wheels have to stay on the floor. So basically make the statement a positive statement instead of a negative one. Younger children understand the positive statements better.

D.,
I too have a hitter. He is also 23 months. His usual target is his 4 yr old brother. When it happens I completely ignore my little one and lavishly pay attention to the other child. (Hugs and cuddles and discuss feelings etc.) Attention is attention is attention. Good or bad, punishment or not your child gets your attention every time he acts out. By purposefully ignoring him when he acts out he doesn't get his desired results and he will quickly learn this isn't working and move on. My kiddos usually watched very curiously when I comforted the injured party and would want to join in on the comforting. The idea here is hopefully he is learning that his actions have consequences.
Good luck to you. I hope you find something that works for you and your little guy.

Obvously a 1 to 2 minute timeout is not working. My advice is to get tougher on the punishements. My son always hated being sent to his room (even though that's where all his stuff was lol) and I used that and it would be for longer than a 2 minute period. and he also hated having to go to bed early...so I would make him lay down or go to bed early. Those were pretty much my versions of time outs because they worked for me.

Hello D., Try having an activity later in the day that can only be done if all the rules (keep them simple, but no hitting is on of them) are followed. Also take away the toy that is used to hit with. When your son has to watch the other boy getting to do something that he cannot do because he hit him earlier, he will think differently about hitting. Remind him throughout the day about the rule since at this age his attention span is still short. Good luck. (Treats can also be used). Happy Thanksgiving. After checking about your sons age(23 mo) when I thought he was 2.5 I believe there should only be the one rule. More then that at his age would be too much. Sorry.