Advice - Non-stop Sports with 1 Parent (Divorced) That Wants a Break

Celeste,
I am a parent of 4 children who at one time were all involved in sports. My husband was not much help with transporting them to where they needed to be all at the same time. I felt like I was going crazy much of the time but I was able to make it work. I felt it was worth it. I feel that a child who is involved in sports or other organized activities is more apt to stay out of trouble. I am sure that you see alot of troubled teens being a teacher and maybe if a fraction of them had something better to do with their time they wouldn't get into so much trouble. Maybe if you could try to arrange transportation for your step daughter to and from practices and games on your weekends (and you weren't required to stay and watch)would be a compromise. I saw a few children who's parents who were divorced didn't allow the children to go to games or practices on their weekends and it was the children who suffered. I understand the wanting a break but this is very important to your step daughter. This might alleviate problems with your own children and your step daughter later.

Hi Celeste,
Just a few thoughts:
All four parents of this young girl (natural and step-parents) should be working together as a team (pardon the metaphor) to raise the 13 year old girl. It sounds like that isn't happening very effectively. Major decisions about your daughter's life should be discussed between all members before they are acted upon.
It was not entirely clear from your post why you want a break from the softball. I think it's because of the time/money drain as well as anxiety about the new baby coming soon. These ARE real concerns and they should be discussed with the her other parents as such. It's a fine point, but this is where I think you need to stick to your guns (not on the decision to exclude the daughter from softball). If you are clear about your reasons for needing a change, other solutions will present themselves. Maybe the daughter can carpool with friends to practice and tournaments. Maybe the other parents can take up more of the financial burden if they are willing. Maybe the daughter can sit out a tournament once a month so you all can have a family day. Try to find flexibility for the daughter in a way that the needs of YOUR family are met without punishing her for the limitations (I imagine this is what it feels like to a 13 year old). If that's not possible, try to get to a place of consensus about the situation (again, focusing on your need) with the other parents.
Counseling can be great! You have a complex situation and sometimes it's so helpful to have an outside ear listen to the story.
Take care and good luck with the new one on the way!

Celest,

You married a man with a child and now you have a child of your own and are having a 2nd child soon. You want more of his time, which will require a break in his 13 year olds “regular” activities she has been involved in since she was 5?

Are you being selfish? I think you are and more to the point why should your stepdaughter face the consequences of her parents divorce and you and her father’s marriage and decision to have other children?

If you cut to the chase, forget about any “special treatment” your stepdaughter might be getting from her coach. If you have YOUR way, she will miss games anyway to accommodate YOUR wishes with YOUR desired NEW schedule, with YOUR natural children and her father.

God forbid your time be affected or you have to take a toddler and new baby to a little league game (that never has been done—dah)!.

If her father really wants to see her and continue the regular visit plan, he will continue to attend games, when he can and not put a big guilt trip on her because she wants to continue in a sport she loves.

It doesn’t sound like a financial burden, because it seems like her mother and step-father will take that on, if you and her father are unable to do so.

So yes, you are sounding pretty selfish and transparent. If you want to teach a child about decisions and consequences, pick a different subject….like drugs, bad grades, disrespect, etc., Not healthy sports activity that has been going on for years because YOU want a break.

Go ahead and take a break....just don't put it on a kid.

Blessings…….

I think this would be a normal choice you have to confront your daughter with, regardless of whether you have the divorce/split-time issue involved. You have a 2 year old and another on the way. Your daughter cannot expect that you have the time to shuttle her to all the practices and tournaments, etc. I can see why the mom thinks she should "fully support" her daughter since sports is a positive thing, but there are also other positive things to teach a child. I agree with you that making tough choices is something all people should make.

I would say that your terms were reasonable, you communicated them clearly, and stick to your guns. Since your daughter is understanding of the situation, just keep reminding her of the great time she had during the Fall Ball. Dealing with the contradiction/under-mining from the mother and inconsistent treatment from the coach is another issue. Ideally, you would see eye-to-eye on everything, but that isn't the case and it's doubtful you'll convince her to be consistent with you and your husband. Just try to keep it clear to your daughter that families have different rules and she needs to respect them. It's unfortunate that she has to deal with 2 homes with 2 sets of rules/values, but just try to help her see the value in BOTH of your opinions.

It doesn't sound like mom had another child? It also sounds like softball is a social thing for the mom and stepdad, which means having the daughter sit out All Stars is asking *them* to sit out on their social calendar as well. They might be unhappy with that, not just the whole "how dare you ask your daughter to sit out on something she loves."I think that would be a very subconscious thing though.

Is there a middle school team your daughter can participate in that would be less of a time drain?

Just my 2 cents.

***

This is partly in response to Toni's post.

I don't think this is a purely "my divorced kid is suffering because of *my* choices" situation. This *is* how the situation is framed, which complicates things for your daughter. That's why I suggested that you need to talk to the step-daughter about these different values so she understands these different rules/points-of-view.

There were plenty of times my family had to sit down to talk about activities, how much time my parents had to drive us around, and what was reasonable for them. My parents were not divorced, they both worked, and sometimes my dad had to work 2 jobs. Traveling to games, staying in a hotel every other weekend? With a toddler and newborn? Whether this is a blended family situation or not, that's a lot to take on as a parent OR step-parent, and I don't think it's unreasonable to sit down with a child and say, "This is very hard on me. I hope you understand." Time is just as precious as being able to "afford" something, so just scoffing the cost is not helpful.

If the girl's mom *does* have a toddler and infant and still has time and energy to shuttle her daughter to all softball all day, then hats off to her. I think if this is the same decision you would make if this were not a blended family situation and she were your own daughter, then put your mind to rest.

Celeste, STICK TO YOUR GUNS. You made the right decision for your family and you don't have to compromise on that. My son is playing football for the first time, but as with my daughter, who played basketball it was understood that we don't give up church for game time or practice. When we signed him up, I talked to the coaches about that and they were fine because as they put it, we don't practice on Sunday and all of our games are on Saturday. 3 weeks into the season, there was a change. Our Saturday game was moved to Sunday. They were hesitant to tell us, and when they did the offered to have my son spend the night with them so that we didn't have to worry about how to get him to the game. Getting to the game wasn't the issue. Not going to church was. But we stuck to the rule and he didn't play. Our son was fine because he knew the rules going into it. There was one other "schedule" change, that pushed the game to Sunday, but our son didn't play. It is tiring having to get to the practices, traveling, etc. You will need to take a break. Espcially having a new baby. Don't give in. This just means you can have more quality time with your daughter. It's not as though she can't play at all. She is still playing in the league, just not every weekend. Yes organized sports does help keep kids out of trouble, but you are not taking her out, just limiting her time. Who knows, this just might help her find some other interest because, God forbid, she gets hurt and can't play anymore, she won't know who she is or what to do. Again, you are not making it so that she's not playing at all, so ease your mind and know that you are making the best decision for all of you.