Advice Needed: Do I Go for It? Having Widely Spaced children.....Or One?

My husband has an aunt, who we are close with, who had her children 10 years apart intentionally. She swears it is the optimal way to have children. If you want another baby, you should go for it. Everyone's family is different these days.

If you really want another child, I would try one more time. I myself have only one child (a son) and I knew he would be the only one because I knew we would never have a lot of money, and frankly, even if you raise kids cheaply, it's still expensive, especially those college years. Also, environmentally speaking, I knew it would be best to have only one. My best friend had a daughter and when she was seven, after several miscarriages also, she had a boy. There was never any problem between the two kids, so if you're concerned about the age difference, it probably won't be a problem. Good luck, and as the mother of a strong-willed, high needs son, take care!

If you're up to trying I say Go For It! My sister and I are 7 years apart and we're really close. I was 7 when she was born, and I loved her SO MUCH! I was really excited to have a sister, and I was able to help take care of her as I got older. The difficult time came when I left for college, and she was only 11. I didn't realize it then, but heard about it later...she was devastated. (We also shared a room and she would get in my bed instead of going in with my parents...which made it harder when I left home.) Anyway, we're all grown now and live within a mile of eachother. I love her to pieces, and couldn't imagine life without her.
Good luck with making a decision.

Go for it C.! I've got 5 children and had 5 miscarriages. I wouldn't change it. It's going to be lonely for your child not to grow up w/any other siblings... & think about special occasions when he or she is older - it will be so much nicer to invite your siblings to your gatherings. This is going way out there on a limb saying this to someone I dont even know, however, I'm going to say it: Try not to control everything let things happen as they are supposed to - if you are meant to have more children you will & if you're not, at least you know you tried. I believe children are a gift - if you're meant to get it - accept it. Just my thoughts... Take care and happy "letting go" (it's liberating). D.

I have an 11 year old daughter and 8 year old son and now a 3 month old baby. My husband and I went back and forth about whether to have another child because we originally wanted 4 kids. we had decided we were happy with the 2 we had because we have one of each and everything is going well. no sooner I gave up on the idea I have a little surprise. I was extremely concerned with the big age difference but it has been working out so well my older two are fabulous with him and I am able to appreciate having an infant much more than when I did when my daughter was 3 having a new baby. he was the best surprise ever. good luck on your decision.

S.- I am 30 years old, mother of 3, happily married and work part time as a RN.

My older kids were 22 and 20 years old when we had our son last year, and we're loving it!! A little different from your situation, but maybe helpful. Good luck!

Personally, I'd go for it. I had my daughter for 10 years and after remarrying had my oldest son and 5 years later had my second (at 40). There were times when it was hard (like teaching my daughter to drive with a 6 year old and a one year old in the car) and she didn't grow up with either of them as playmates the same way as if they'd been closer (although they did "play"), but now they are all grown and are very close. Even though there was the age gap, it made a difference around the dinner table and on holidays and such - it was warmer and more "family-ish". For me - I got to have 3 wonderful and unique people in my life.

Good luck with your decision.

Hi C.!

I have 2 boys that are 6 years apart (almost exactly). Their dad and I met late in our lives, after his first marriage had failed. We got pregnant with our first child accidentally :o) Then planned our second, but took 18 months to succeed. I am 42 this year, and if I thought my body could handle more, I would go for it. But, instead, we have chosen to stop having children, and focus all our energy and love on our 2 adorable boys :o)

Part of me "wishes" I started having my family earlier with my husband, and part of me knows that we did everything right for our situation. Still, because you asked....you may wonder your whole life if you are making the right decision.

I think, if you want another baby, than do it and don't look back :o) Your heart will be more fulfilled & completed, for sure. But...if you choose to stick with one, then you will be fulfilled, too :o)

My boys are 6 years apart. My stepkids are 10 years older. They all got along in terrific ways throughout the years. Don't worry about that part of it, because that will work itself out. Just focus on your desire's....do you........ or don't you?

Good luck with your decision :o)

Love, N. :o)

Hi C.,
I am a mother to two wonderful boys. My oldest is 8yrs old (almost 9) and my youngest is 6 months old. I always wanted my children to be close in age (about 2yrs apart) but that just wasn't in the cards for me. My 8yr old is a child from a previous marriage. I got pregnant and married at a young age and was divorced by the time my son was 2. I am now remarried and I've had my 2nd child. My kids are 8yrs apart but I wouldn't change it for the world. My oldest is old enough to be a big helper and loves to play with his baby brother and talk to him. I thought it would hard on my oldest having been an only child for so long, but it isn't at all... he understands that his brother needs a lot of attention (feeding, changing, ect) and I just have to make sure to give my oldest attention and tell him I love him so he doesn't forget. =) My experiance with having children so far apart has been great, if you really want another child.. I say go for it!! Good Luck!

C., Me & my husband have two children that are 8 years apart - Our son just turned 18 and our daughter just turned 10 - Although we thought we were finished after our son....we ended up expecting and @ the time I was 36 years old. Although we have had some challanges in the past....I feel very lucky to have two children! Even with the age difference they still fight some but...also love each other too - Good luck to you!
Regards,
D.

Hi C.! My story is different than yours, but I do have widely spaced children! When I got married in 2006 I got a great step-son out of the deal who is now 8. My husband and I started trying to get pregnant about 6 months after we got married and I had one miscarriage, then got pregnant again and had a wonderful baby boy who is now 14 weeks old. He was actually born the day before my 8 year old step-sons birthday! The great thing about having them so far apart is that at age 8 Justin is really excited about being a big brother and he likes to help! He holds him, plays with him, feeds him (still stays away from diaper changing though! Hee hee!) and looks forward to all of the things he will be able to teach him and do with him. Also, with him being older he goes outside and plays and entertains himself so that gives me time to be with the baby, or rest while the baby is resting and not have to take care of two little ones at the same time! This is definately a big decision and I with you the best of luck!

I say go for it! I have four sons, 20, 17, 15 and 2.6 years old. One word "babysitters" Just kidding, but the boys really do help out so much with the baby. I is so nice to see the love between siblings without all of the rivalry. Good Luck

Follow your heart, not your head. I am 40 and we have a 10 y/o daughter and an 8 month old son. We are planning at least one more so that our son isn't another only child when sister goes away to college in just a few short years. We, too, went through the mental gyrations of 'we are happy as a family of 3', but we really want more children. I have to say that I am SO very glad our son is here in our lives. I cannot even imagine the conversations trying to rationalize him away now. Yes, life is a bit more complex, but so much richer.

I would caution you to determine what the underlying issue with your frequent miscarriages is. There may be a medical reason which precludes you from having more children or that you may need determination to overcome.

In our case, there were significant infertility issues to overcome, but again, the time, expense, and effort are well worth it.

Good Luck.

Hi there, I am an only child so I thought I'd share a little of what it is like and hopefully that will help. There are many benefits to being an only - I was/am the apple of my parents' eyes without question. I had a very close relationship with both. I was a very mature child because I am used to spending time with adults. If any extras were to be received, they were for me (for example, my parents could afford to send me to private school). However, when my father became ill I was in my teens. My mother didn't understand my need to become my own person like other children naturally do at that age. What insued was incredible emotional pain and disappointment on all sides - because of unfair expectations and my inability to wholeheartedly surrender to them - it was such a shock to me that something I would do naturally would be met with such cruel opposition (obviously much more of a story here). My father died when I was 23 and again, having a sibling there to share the pain of the loss and help to comfort a mother who did not want to be alone and who was bitter and angry would have saved a long emotional (and sometimes detrimental)recovery process for me. Now that I am older and have a child of my own, my mother and I have repaired much of the pain and are moving forward and both enjoying my new daughter so much. And, once again, my mother is "all mine" to dote on her only grandbaby etc. So, there are good and bad things to being an only. Not every situation is the same but this is just my story as an only. I hope it helps.

I am a middle child. My brother is 8 years older and little sister is 7 1/2 yrs younger. My parents are 11 years apart. My mom was 31 and dad was 42 when our little sis was born. For quite a while I thought she was "for me". I always begged for a baby sibling. It was great having a baby in the house and my brother and I still got one on one time with our parents. We all chipped in too help with the baby. The future is always important to think about when planning for kids. Both of our parents worked full time when we were growing up. My sister is now 22 and in College. My parents are supporting her financially and my father has been retired for 2 years now. As far as relationships go we are all 3 very close. It took a while for my sister and brother to reconnect because they are SO far apart in age. I am 30 and consider my 38 yr old brother and 22 yr old sister my best friends (aside from the husband). My kids are a little less than 3 years apart and my mom frequently comments on the chaos of having 2 kids under 5 and wonders how I do it. She gave birth to my sister and I. She is technically my brother's stepmom although raised him since age 4. She loved having her kids so many years apart. Hope that insight helps.

Dear C.,
I can really at least attempt to relate to your dilemma.
I had problems with my reproductive system from minute one. I was 16 years old the first time I was told I would need a hysterectomy. I had numerous surgeries, lost some parts, but still held on to my poor little uterus, a tube and part of an ovary. I suffered, but I held on. Finally, at 24, I had a perfect baby girl. Unfortunately, she wasn't very old when I was back in the hospital. She doesn't remember it, but there was a baby lost after her. 6 months along. I was devastated. I had numerous more surgeries, but still, unless it was life threatening, I refused to give up any more parts. She was 9 years old when I got sick again. The doctors finally said it was time to give up. They scheduled me for a hysterectomy in January when the new insurance deductible would start over. I was so sad, but in so much pain. In my 30's by now, I hadn't even been able to get pregnat at all, so I said okay. In October, I started feeling funny. I couldn't describe it....I just didn't feel right. I maybe had 3 periods a year so being late had gone out the window. It turns out I was pregnant. Of ALL things. I had some major complications along the way which started with a car accident, but my baby and I hung in there. He was perfect in every way. And my daughter, being older, had no jealousy whatsoever because she considered him "her" baby.
I didn't plan it that way, but if I had it to do over, I would have my babies spaced out. My daughter got to be an only child and the center of everybody's world, but then she got to a point where she longed for a baby. And I always told her I was sorry, because that was one thing I couldn't do for her. My little boy was worth everything I'd gone through. He was truly a happy surprise!
I have numerous friends who I love dearly that chose to only have one child. My sister is one of them. They all say that they wanted a baby, but didn't necessarily like the pregnancy part and the whole process. They have beautiful healthy children, love them, spoil them, but knew pretty much early on they didn't want to do it again. They like the relationship they have with the one child and feel they can give them more in terms of attention and material needs.
Some people have no choice, healthwise, to only have one child. So, in that case, you realize how you've been lucky enough to have even have that one little person in your life.
Work with your strong willed/high needs child in the meantime and THEN see what happens in the baby dept.

All the best. I'll keep you in my thoughts

My brother and I are almost 7 years apart and are very close. My kids are 6 years apart and I love the age spread. We had initially wanted 5 year between our daughter and our next child and were heading that direction, but I had 2 m/c. I found a great dr who helped me carry my next pg to term and now I've got 5.5 yr old twin boys.

It is a very personal choice, but age spread doesn't determine whether your children will be close or not--personality does.

Good luck!!
T.

Hi! I have 3 kids widely spaced apart. I have a 14yr. old boy, an 8 yr old boy and a 2 yr old girl. The boys really seem to love their little sister. And she adores them as well. We want one more too! Ideally a sister for our daughter. I never had a sister and I want her to have that. My boys have eachother, and it won't matter in a few years that they are 5 1/2 years apart. They will always have eachother after we (mom & dad are gone). Hope this gives you the view you were looking for. :)

Only you can answer the question on how many children you would like to have.

Regarding the spacing - I have 2 children that are 5 years apart and I love the long space in between. This gave me time with each as a baby and spaces out the fun milestones more - like starting Kinder, middle school and HS, loosing teeth, learning to drive, starting college.... :) We're considering #3, and the timing will most likely make my youngest 7 when the new baby would arrive..I look forward to that.

Best of luck.

First off, my sympathies for your miscarriages. As a mom to a nearly two year old, I can't imagine how hard that must be.

Since I only have one child and am working on my second, I can't speak to you about being a mother to widely spaced ones, but I can speak about being a child with a brother 10 years younger than I.

My parents tried for many years to have back-to-back children, but it didn't happen until they stopped trying ... my brother is 10 1/2 years younger than I. It seems to have worked well for my parents (although my dad is 70 and my brother 22) because they were able to have deep and different relationships with each of us while growing up. However, I am almost 33 and just now have a relationship with my brother.

It's an interesting discussion, and I'm sure whatever you decide will be best for you. Go for it! :)

C.,

I am really sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I know how hard it is. I feel for you~

But as far as more children, I think that you should follow your heart- children are wonderful period. So, if you decide to have another, your 6 year old will be old enough to help out and really get to know their sibling. I think you should go for it!

Good luck and let us know what you decide~

Molly

My first two children are 8 years apart, my second two are only 20 months apart. My oldest (son) has a very special relationship with my husband and myself, since he had us all to himself until he was 8. My younger two (daughters) have always had strong sibling rivalry issues --- either adore each other or hate each other, no in-between. My son has ALWAYS been the great, cool, older brother there to help. But, he never had to take them along anywhere, because they were MUCH too young to tag along. It was a great situation. Now that they are all adults, difference is transparent. If you truly want to keep trying, don't worry about the age difference. And if you decide to stop trying, you will still enjoy the child you have with all your heart.

I am an only child and only have one child (3 years old boy). The advantages of having only one is that you can be focused on them and, when it comes time for college and if resources are limited, you can offer them a better education than if you have to spread the money around. I do make a large effort to have a lot of play dates for my son so that he learns social skills, and was lucky that for 1.5 years we saw our neighbors (who have a daughter of the same age) daily, the two kids are almost like siblings.
A lot of people try to talk me into having a second child, and maybe this is part of what you are experiencing: it seems to be more of a standard in our society to have more than one child. But our little family is happy and I find my life so much easier because I only have to juggle my son's and my husband's needs and not another child's.
Good luck to you!
C.

Our kids' age difference is nine years, and a lot of our friends have kids spaced 6 years and up. So you would be by no means alone in having 7+ years difference in your kids ages.
The only thing that is hard about the big age difference is that you forget how hard it is to have an infant after having so many year of unterrupted sleep at night. Otherwise it's great. I think it has definitely benefited our daughter (13yo) and they do get along well with her brother (4yo).
Our daughter was also very strong willed and high maintenance, so we only seriously considered a sibling after she turned six, and at that point I could tell she was really sad about not having a brother/sister.
I also had a couple of miscarriages after my daughter and had to turn to medical advice (I ended up with a laporoscopy to clean up endometriosis and was on heparin thru second pregnancy). By the way I was 39 when I had my son.
So, if you decide you really want to go for it and try for a second child, I would really recommend seeing a specialist.

One more thing to consider - I myself really appreciated having a sister when my mom was going through a terminal illness. And I think it helps having siblings when parents are gone.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It's certainly not an easy decision.

Hi C.,

My kids are 10 and a half years apart. I couldn't be more pleased to have a new baby and my daughter loves being a big sister. She is so helpful! My baby is such a sweet happy boy, too. He adores his sister already and he is only two months old. Every child is different so just because your first one is strong willed doesn't mean your next one will be. So, it's up to you to decide what's right for your family but, I am so blessed and happy to have this little baby. I thought I was done because my daughter was getting so old and I wasn't going to have any more kids. I am soooooooooooo glad I did. I mean, I am really really glad. Babies are wonderful!

Hope this helped!

Best Wishes,
E.

I am 5.5 yrs. older than my next sibling and 7 yrs older than the "baby". I was assigned the role of built-in baby sitter which I resented and my brothers took great delight dancing around the living room with my undies & bra on their heads whenever I had a boyfriend visiting - charming, huh?
I found myself as their confidante when I moved away for college - they talked to me about stuff they were afraid to bring up with our hyper-Baptist parents. I was touched and pleased that they trusted me like that and I think the fact that I used to wipe their butts created a bond that they didn't outgrow.
We are still close in spite of long distances and I am proud of both of them. By the way - the "Baby' had 3 kids before we had one so I ended up asking them for burping demonstrations and diaper brand reccommendations. Life is funny.
We have a 3.5 yr. old and I've miscarried 2X this year and had 1 ectopic before my son was born. I feel like there is a person missing at the dinner table and know my son wants to be a big brother. I got the ball rolling with an infertility specialist & start a bunch of tests next month. I want to rule out a physical problem that can be fixed like a cyst or fibroids. My age is a factor - I just turned 39. Other than that - I don't want to mess with Nature - no sextuplets for me!!
I was told by many of the nurses during my last miscarriage that " at least you have 1 child!" That really PISSED ME OFF! Of course I'm grateful for him - he is the cutest boy in the Universe - but I saw that little heartbeat on the TV screen and FELL IN LOVE! Anyway - I am at the same cross-roads. If the specialist doesn't find anything - other than my age to explain the miscarriages, then I'll try 1 more time before concedeing defeat.
Feel free to contact me if you ever need to vent, etc.
A.

C., I think that as soon as you stop thinking about having another child and continue living your life... you may have another child in the the future... It dosen't matter what the age difference will be if you have another child. As time goes on and you don't get pregnant, then your were meant to have your one. Try not to think about it...and let what ever happens... happen!

It is certainly up to you. Have they been able to determine the cause of the miscarriages? My son was 14cwhen we had our daughter. It was great and they are very close even with the aghe difference yet having only one is ok too if you are satisfied with only one. One is a blessing. If it is meant to be it will be.

Hi, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I had 3 miscarriages in between having my 2 children and it was absolutely devastating.

My children are spaced 10 years apart, and it's been great (no sibling rivalry!) They are now 17 and 7, and love each other very much! There are unique blessings to having this age difference, such as my 17 year old son's female friends think his little brother is just adorable, a "chick magnet"! I didn't plan for them to be that far apart (I had planned on about a 7 year span between children) but it has worked out just fine.

I am an only child, and it's really not as bad as some people think. Children grow up to be spoiled or not spoiled based on how they are raised, not whether they have siblings. My parents would have never let me have "my way" all the time or let me behave selfishly! I was expected to behave like a decent human being, just like any other child in any size family would be! If I had acted like a spoiled brat I would have gotten my rear end whipped. I did get a lot of attention (I am also the only grandchild on my father's side), since their time wasn't divided among several children, but I definitely never thought I was a princess, and the extra attention didn't warp my psyche or anything like that. Do I wish I had brothers and sisters? Absolutely. Does not having them mean I am a selfish, anti-social misfit with no ability to relate to people? Of course not! Your daughter will be fine either way, as long as you raise her right. If you want another child I definitely would not give up on trying, but if you end up just having the one, it's not going to mess her up.
Best wishes to you,
A.

I wanted to tell you little about my kids. When my son was born 4 years ago my daughter was almost 6 years old and my step daughter was 10. It was not planned to have such a large gap, but my daughter was a handful and it took us a while to decide if we wanted another and then it took me a couple of years and some help to get pregnant. I have never regretted having my son. The gap can be difficult. I work full time and feel that my son doesn't get all the things that the girls got when they were little. The girls have very busy schedule between music, sports, and school activities. My little one ends up getting dragged to all of his sisters activities and many activities he would enjoy the girls have gotten to old to do, like going to the park or little kids museums. Another example is going to six flags, my daughters want to ride the big rides and the little one wants to go to the little rides. My husband works long hours so I am usually alone on these outings. We make it work but it is more difficult. The two younger ones do fight a lot. I think its more their personalties than the age gap. They are complete polar opposites in everything. I just wanted to give you some food for thought. If you are used to jumping in the car and going to the store or the movies or wherever remember that will all change. On the other hand I would never change my decision to have my son. It is more work but I think he is worth it. Godd luck on your decision. I have none family both ways that have been very sucessful and happy. That part is up to you as a family.

Hi C.-
I would say go for it. My older sister and I are 3 years apart and my little sister and I are 5 years. That makes the oldest and the youngest 8 years difference. And amazingly enough, we all get along smashingly (now that we are adults). There was much arguing when we hit certain ages, but that was because we were always at different stages of life. However, my younger sister just turned 23, and the bonds that are there with all the crazy memories have made us into friends. And my older is having her first baby this September. I think that the age difference isn't what matters, but how the children relate to one another, and I have never seen an issue between kids widespread- usually the issues are with the parents. So, my thought is, if you have no problems, then your kids will have no problems with this. I can't tell you how cool it was to have friends in Jr. High whose mothers were having their 2nd babies. It taught us alot about the little ones, plus we were the perfect age to really be able to help out.
On top of all of that, I think it makes taking care of your family a priority. All multi kid families can do that, but there is something special about pinning your baby sister's diapers and holding the spoon making that airplane noise that makes a big sister proud.
Good luck!
-E.

Hi, We have one child, a daughter 4 years old. She is very happy and healthy. We are able to spend extra time with her and give her little extra things we could not if we had more then one. We will be able to pay for her college. My husband and I are in our 40s and feel lucky and thankful to have our child, every day I thank god for her.

My husband and I come from families where we had siblings. My husband had 4 kids in his family and I had a brother and sister. None of us are particularly close now. My brother and I are 10 years apart and my sister and I are 5 years apart. We never had much of a relationship. Most of my memories are baby sitting them.

I think any size family has advantages and disadvantages. My advise is to enjoy the child you have. My daughter really loves the extra attention we are able to give her. I have lots of adult friends who are only children and they are all very happy about their situations. We have several friends who have decided on one child, I think it is becoming quite common.

Good luck
J.

I have a 12 year old, an 8 year old and a 2 year old. I love that they are all spaced apart. I got to enjoy each one's infacy without the pressure of having a toddler who needed all of my attention. Also, the boys get along really well and have been so helpful with each other. Maybe I'm lucky but it's been a blessing. I can't imagine having more than one right on top of the last, but people seem to make that work too. The only down side I see is that my husband is older than me and he will be 56 when the baby graduates highschool. He has a very physical job and I'm worried about when he'll want to retire and how much income we'll need if the last son wants to go to college. I guess I better save what I can while they're still little!

Hi C.,

I have to say that I did not personally experience this but my best friend did. She had also three miscarriage and it was due to the fact that the uterus lining (i think) was not strong enough to hold the baby at a certain point. So what the doctors did was stitch the cervics up and because they wanted to try again delivered the baby by C-Section and she became pregnant again and (REPEAT) They have two beautiful children now. Consult with your doctor to see if this is an option for you. I'm sorry that I don't know all the medical terms for the procedure but I'm sure they will know what your talking about. Stay prayerful and ask God what would he have you to do. Good luck and God Bless you and your family.

S.

For a slighly different point of view, my sister and I are 6 years apart, and have always been unbelieveably close. My parents impressed on me from the beginning the importance of beign a good role model etc. Also, my husband is the oldest of 4, but 13 years older than the youngest. And his sister (who just turned 14) is the closest to him.

I wouldn't let the age difference deter you.

Dear C.,

My husband and I decided to have only one child. It was a hard decision because we felt a lot of pressure to have a second child, but for medical, financial and lifestyle reasons we stopped at one. Unfortunatly this is a decision that only you can make, either way can be good. Which ever way you decide to go, make sure it is what you want and not what "they" say. Also, I am not religious, but if you have had three miscarraiges already I am thinking that god or your body might be trying to tell you something. Anyway, that is my 2 cents worth, I am very happy with my husband and little boy and our three person (plus 2 cats) family! Good luck!

Well, all I can say is that children are wonderful, as you know. Go with what you feel is best.

MY Mom is an only child (she is now 60) and I see her struggles. Her parents are older and she has the repsoniblity to take care of them herself...no siblings to help out with that. SHe also doesnt have any siblings to reminisce about vacations, past holidays, etc., either

If you only have 1 and that is what is meant to be that love your little one with all your heart, but having kids spread out is great. MY brother ans I are 9 years a part and we are BEST friends. We never fought growing up...we were to far apart to fight over anything, and now that we are older, we have a grear relationship based on love and respect. There are now "hurts" or "resentmetns" from when we were kids. By the time he could walk and talk, I was 11 and very busy with shcool and sports and he woudl ocme to all my games and "help out" I was also able to help him out when he was growing up... For example chaperone dances, as it was cooler to have me there than Mom and Dad. As long as you as the parent make is point to have the kids be there for each other and involved with each other no matter how far apart they are, it is wonderful.

The only struggle will be if your daughter is used to being an only child and "getting her Way", that will need to be addressed. She will be busy with school and activities, so that will allow you one on one time with the new baby, but she will also need to repsect and love that little one even if the attention is taken off of her. I was a VERY mellow and shy child, so it really wasnt an issue for my parents. But if your daughter is set in her ways and more independent about speaking her mind and getting her way, that will need to be addressed and is probably for the better for her anyways. To be honest my Mom still has issues with not being the center of attention and not getting her way at times... It sounds so mean to say that but she evens admits it. She has struggled with the afffects of that her whole life and if her parents were more strict or she had siblings that she HAD to share with and respect, it probably would have turned out different for her. It is the way the word works and its a hard adjustment when you are "high needs" and always want/get your way!

Good luck and God bless....

Hi C..

Just a quick opinion - go for it. I had 3 miscarriages (one at 6 months), then my oldest son was born, 2 more miscarriages, then my youngest son, then one more miscarriage before I quit. I must also say my first son was born when I was 36, my second when I was 40. Not as far spaced apart as yours would be, but I wanted to give you hope that after 6 miscarriages, I was able to carry 2 all the way and wouldn't have ever given up hope. I think the 7 year difference would be very helpful to you and your daughter. Go for it!

Hi C.,

What you have gone through can be very trying. I didn't get a sense of how you and your family are doing re: the miscarriages. This answer could play a big part in your decision to continue trying.

I can respond to having widely spaced children, however. My oldest son is 17.5 yrs older than my second son. My second son is 4 yrs older than my third. I had my second son at 36 and the last at 40 - so, I can also respond to that concern.

It is MUCH easier raising an only child than 2 (or more). One would thing the needs would only increase (up to) 100% for the second one. This is not the case. The two younger ones still argue and sometimes getting them out the door can be like herding cats...

My first son grew up being more independent and more mature than the younger ones who rely more on exterior stimulus.

The following is meant only as a gentle reminder: As for your age, after 35 the medical profession suggests you get an amnio to check for down syndrome. Given your history with miscarriages, they will probably suggest you forego the procedure. This means, of course, your child will be at risk. Actually, the unborn one and your current one -- If the newborn is truly a special needs child, this will detract from what you can provide for your other child...

Your decision is not an easy one, at all! And, please know I love all my boys with all my heart. But, if I were in your position, with a child with high maintenance concerns, your age and your history of miscarriages...My suggestion is to cherish the child you have.

Think of it this (very minor) way -- Don't you hate it when you're having a serious conversation with someone and you're just about to make your point when their phone (one without a phone number read-out) rings and they answer it, not knowing who it is? It's their way of saying I don't know who this is or what their intent is, but whatever it is, it's more important than you and what you're saying. Having the unknown child -may- not be the best choice vs. the one you already have.

Best wishes, C.. :)

Hi C.,

I have been asking myself the same question, though my situation is a bit different. I am the mother of an almost 4 year old. We tried to get pregnant for 4 years. He was conceived via our third IVF attempt. It was an emotional ride, but fortunately after all the heartache our dreams came true. Since our problem is getting pregnant (I've never miscarried), we decided not to use any birth control after our son was born. It's now been almost 4 years and still no luck. Now I find myself questioning whether to leave that window open or not.

I'm 35 and my husband is almost 44. He fears being an old Dad because his parents both died young. But, after all we've been through we feel very blessed to have our son. We would love another, but we also very happy to just have him since it was such a struggle. Our one wish is that he could have a sibling. Who knows...maybe adoption is the answer, but it's such a long emotional process. It's so hard to decide, especially because the decision to have another biologically is out of our hands.

I wish you luck in your decision. My best friend has had a total of 4 miscarriages (1 before & 3 after the birth of her son). She is finally pregnant again and has made it to 12 weeks. She was referred by her fertility specialist to an accupuncturist. She swears by it!! I would say, just follow your heart.

Good Luck,
A.

Hello C.,
Whether to have another child or stay at one is a very personal choice. I have 3 daughters that are now 25, 23 and 12. As you can see we have a bit of a gap. You know I was very happy with my 2 girls. Life was good. And at times I thought why mess up a good thing but my husband and I made the choice to have another child. I was 34 when my youngest was born and she arrived very healthy with all the fingers and toes:). I wouldn't change my life now for anything. Our youngest daughter has brought us much joy (Although we haven't hit the teen years yet). I will tell you that it will throw you for alittle bit. Let's face it you will be dealing with diapers, late nights, no sleep and throwup. Dragging all the baby gear. Being tied down. Right now you have a lot of freedom since your child is almost 7. They can do so much on their own. You will be starting all over. Then there will be many that will say that your age is a factor. That is something to discuss with your doctor. Again I wouldn't change my life for anything. Yes I had to learn to do it all over again but isn't that what makes life so wonderful. As I stated in the beginning...This is a very personal choice that only you and your husband can decide.

I think it is a personal choice. We were going to have one child (he's adopted), but then low and behold we had another little boy (biologically - SURPRISE). They are 4 years and one month apart. It has it's challenges, but I wouldn't change a thing. I also am a middle child (#3 of 4). I am just 3 years younger than my oldest, 2 years younger than my closest, and 5 years older than my littlest. I am closer to my little sister. I talk to her almost everyday even though we're 3 hours apart! I say if you can keep your sanity (it's hard to have a miscarriage I know) and everything else is ready enough in your life do what you want and what works for you. Also, even though I've chosen adoption as a method for my family I would never recommend it to someone else that had any reservations, so please don't misinterpret my history. Good luck and I wish you the best in whatever route you travel!

We have a 10 yr old girl and a 2 yr old boy. We had our daughter early and were not equipped (financially, emotionally, and our maturity-wise) to have another one so soon. Then she reached the age of being independent and we thought "wow, we can actually go to places on our own now and not have to worry about hauling baby stuff!" We sat on things even though our daughter lobbied for a sibling daily. Then I got pregant and worried that the 8 year age gap and difference in gender would mean they will not have a close relationship. Well here we are, 2 kids later and our daughter loves her brother to death! (Finds him annoying at times but what can you do?) He in turn, follows her around everywhere. I also loved having spent 8 whole years just focusing on our girl. A big part of why we decided to go for it was the morbid thought of "if something happens to us, it would be nice for our daughter to have someone else who is family." She doesn't have any cousins and our families live far away so no matter what happens, they will always have each other for Christmas, Thanksgiving, or someone to cry to over a breakup/etc. They always say kids get closer when they are adults anyway. The age gap doesn't matter much then. Good luck!

Hi there I wish for the best for what ever life blesses you with. I have a daughter who is 7, and in December I gave birth to another baby girl. Although at times the 7 year olds moods drive me crazy, and all the new baby things keep me beyond busy, my oldest loves that baby like she was the sun and the moon. And the baby looks up to her sister like she is the best thing since sliced bread. It is hard because I used to have all my time for one child and now mom has to share herself between two. I had to explain to my eldest that she is lucky because for 7 years she had my full attention, and really something the baby will never have. (That made her smile)Never the less having them both even with such an age gap has been the best choice of my life. I feel like I am complete with these two and love evey minute!I wish the best for you and your family and this is only my story I hope this is some help :)

I say sure, as long as you are sure. I myself have three kids 2 boys and they are 2 years apart.And after 12 years I had my third child, baby girl and the boys are a big help!!!!!!!! I actually got pregnant with her at the age of 36. I'm loving it and I am sure you will as well.

Take care,
V.

Well hello. I had your same concerns and additional ones too actually. I left my first marriage with a son. Six years later I met my current husband. We married a few years ago. I was really worried that my son who was 10 years old by then would feel diplaced, left out, disconnected. Instead he has turned into a wonderful, loving brother who enjoys having a little brother immensely. Of course, his little brother is crazy for him and essentially is racing along developmentally to try his best to catch up to his big brother. My older son does say that I have created two sets of only children in a way because he will be away at college and his little brother will be raised alone. I understand what he is saying, but also beg to differ. There is a big difference between missing one's older brother who is away and not having one at all in the world. For us adults, parents, it's helpful to have an older child we can trust with his sibling. I was two years older than my brother and once when he was an infant, I "shared" an M & M with him! Now instead, my 12 year old is CPR certified... Also planning on coaching the baby's Little League team in the future. I wish you the best luck on your journey whatever you decide.

Seems like you've already received lots of responses, but I guess I'll add my two cents anyway. I bring my perspective as an only child myself, and as the mom of two boys who are almost six years apart.

Being an only child certainly has many benefits as others have mentioned. I have a close relationship with my parents; lots of attention and opportunities when I was growing up, etc. On balance, though, I found it quite lonely growing up. And I did not have a lot of cousins or other relatives to make up for the lack of siblings. As an adult, I feel like it's unfortunate that I'll never have a sibling relationship. There are so few opportunities in life to have a close, lasting bond with someone. I know that some adult siblings are not close, but those of us who are only children will never even have the potential for that kind of bond. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not bitter, and there's nothing wrong with having only one child! Parents of only children, whether by choice or by fate, should certainly not feel guilty.

My two boys (now ages 8 and 2) are almost six years apart. The older one was very high-need and, like you, we simply could not fathom having another right away. The age spread has worked out very well. The older one loves his little bro, and they are able to play together more than you might expect. I expect that there may be challenges in our future, like when the older one starts middle school and brings home all the social angst that tends to come with that territory. But parenting always brings new challenges, and we just have to roll with it as our kids get older.

So I would encourage you to go for it if you can! But above all, whatever happens, don't get lost in your head worrying about your decision. No matter what happens -- whether you are able to have another or not -- your family can be complete and happy.

I have a 20 year old and an 18 year old. I decided to have two more later and now they are 5 and 2. It was a tough decision because I did not think I wanted to take on that large responsibility. I did and loved it. Are you ready? Only you can determine whether or not your are ready. It will be hard because 2 is more difficult than one.

mother of four,

YES!!
Go for it!
I sound almost exactly like you. I am 35. I had a Very difficult pregnancy with my first and waited 6 years to have another. When we tried we had a miscarriage which was devastating to me because I was so ready to have another and had gone back and forth about whether we should or not. I would tell myself that maybe it was fine to just have one and if we had I would not have known the difference, but now that my one year old is here I can't believe I even considered not having her!!! I also had a very difficult pg with her(Hyperemesis Gravidarum) throwing up, nausea the whole time.

It is a very personal thing but with us to have our second girl was a great thing. My older daughter is learning to share and I know having a sibling will make her a better person because of this. She is also very strong minded.

The age gap does bring about some problems because they play so differently but it works out. Mostly I have to tell my older daughter to play her things that she doesnt want touched up high where the baby can't reach.

She loves her little sister and the baby provides us all with laughs and entertainment and we enjoy her so much.

My friend had 3-4 miscarriages before having 3 beautiful children. I know the pain involved in having this happen. You should see how happy she is now. It is hard to imagine what she had to go through to get there.

I hope everything works out for you. I had to respond because we sound so much alike.
Jane

Hello-I have the same problem as you i'm 31,I have a child you is six going on seven.I have losy the babies in the last three yrs.I resently lost one on 6-16-08. My husband and I still wants to try again.I think the age gap is ok.I think you should go for it you will be more at ease with yourself and your child.I believe she will be a good help to you when the time come.My son is the same but when he saw I had a baby in my stomach he was ready to help and his whole attitude was different.He was happy he was going to be a big brother.So I say go for it and good luck.Please let me know how everything goes.Maybe we can talk and be support and friends for each other.

I have a 7 month old and a 6 year old and I love having the age difference between them. My six year old daughter is very high energy also and she loves having a little brother. She loves helping out and we have experienced little sibliing jealousy. I had one miscarriage before my second child and I was devastated, so I can only imagine how hard this has been for you. As an only child myself, I have a very close relationship with my parents, but also wish I could have had a brother or sisiter.

Hi C.,
My husband and I got married in our 30's and we waited 7 years before trying to conceive. We discussed whether we wanted more children after we found out we were expecting. For us, having one was our final decision. We knew then that whatever decision we made, we would just have to be at peace. Did we go through some long list of questions? No. We simply talked about what would fit for us and our future. While I thoroughly enjoy my son, I do miss his baby stage in some ways. BUT, it doesn't make me want to have another child. I know I can only speak for myself, but being older played a part in my decision. I was blessed with a fabulous pregnancy and a healthy baby and I am happy with it being just the three of us. I hope whatever you and your husband decide, you may find peace and enjoy the adventure either way.