Advice Going into the Teen Years- and They Are Not Even Mine!!

More family activities are part of keeping bonded with teens. Start immediately. Movies, trips to the beach, yes even in winter. When my children were that age we went out to dinner every Tuesday night. This continued until the oldest left home.
I started to share the responsibity of running the home with them at an early age. By the time they are 10 they are responsible for one meal a week and later on two. They did the cooking. We had a rule whoever cooked did not clean up that night.
We shared family clean up nights from the time the oldest was seven. We'd take a job and do it. My children weren't responsible for clean up night until they were age seven.
My children liked skating and got me to go with them to both ice skating and roller skating.
All these things helped with the teen cycle.
Also the parent who has custody often takes the misplaced anger for the parent who is not raising them or participating in their life. It is important to address that issue.

The big thing I have noticed with my teens is that it helps to spend lots of time with them (as counter-intuitive as that sounds). Board games, movies, eating together, etc. Sometimes we just "shoot the breeze" for hours, talking about politics, life, etc.

At our house, the more time we spend together the better we get along.

Another thing I have learned to do is just listen. They don't always want, or need, advice. They just want to talk. Listen, listen, listen.

I also try to treat my teens as valuable members of the household (which they are). Show them ways they can truly contribute, and then reward the heck out of them for doing it. For instance, my older teen is FANTASTIC at loading the car for a trip. He has become the go-to guy on that sort of thing. My younger son is a great care-taker when a family member is sick.

Teens are young, but they're smart. They need to be appreciated by their parents. The relationship you have with them is more important than the advice you give them sometimes.

Just my 2 cents . . . good luck.

I have a 19 and 16 year old Stepsons and a 15 year old nephew...they all get mouthy when they hit their teens :)

In our house we generally let then be smart-asses and assert themselves to a certain point...but...once they cross that line, it's always a QUICK and STERN "watch your tone", "watch your mouth", "remember who you are talking to"...or something along those lines...this usually brings them back down to earth!

I really think it's good advice to pick your battles at this age...and giving them some freedom to exert their new found age (after all in their minds, they are BIG now) and to discover themselves is, to a certain point, VERY healthy!

You guys just keep your house/family rules consistent and fair and let them know EVERY TIME they cross a line...they WILL keep pushing the limits and testing how far they can move your line, you guys just stand firm!

~You wanna talk about power struggle...just wait till the son beats the Dad at arm wrestling or gets the upper hand in pushing each other into the pool!
My nephew (he is only 15 but in Football and Wrestling and has been working out like gang busters) just beat my hubby at arm wrestling...you should of seen the looks on the other boys' faces...it was like someone just killed Superman! ;)

Good Luck!
*Boys are the bomb and teenage boys are SO awesome! And useful, you will be AMAZED at how much they can do and how good they are at doing certain things...watch for things they rock at and praise them and let them know how proud of them you are! It also doesn't hurt to keep them well fed...teenagers (especially boys) eat like no other! They will love you forever if you cater to them in the food department! :)

My oldest is twelve, and we've been going through this for a year or so (girls get there sooner, it seems).

My best advice is to focus on the positive with him. Tell him how proud you are of things that he's done well, and how pleased you are with him turning out.
Have consistant rules, and be firm. If he gets away with something once, he'll expect to get away with it again. But consider his feelings in how you discipline. Make the consequences logical to the behavior. And always speak to him and everyone else respectfully; you'll get back a lot more of what you give there. Especially keep you and your BF from dropping to the adolescent level of "I can make your life more miserable." Consequences, yes. Retaliation, humiliation, shaming, or punative measures, absolutely not.

Last, realize that there is going to be some attitude. No getting around that. But make your home the place where he and his friends can hang out, where he knows what to expect, and that it's a safe place, and be a good listener, and you'll get a long ways with him!

I would just like to second the excellent advice given by Angela below. I am the parent of two teens. A long time ago someone told me that the older your kids get, the MORE they need you - I didn't believe it at the time... I mean, how could caring for teens be more demanding than running around after toddlers? LOL. And then my two hit their teen years and it all made sense! They are going through such tremendous growth and changes at this time, and it's all more than a bit confusing for them! Of course you want respect from your teen, that is a given. In my experience, the only sure way to get it is to give it. Listen to them, talk with them, spend one-on-one time with them, let them know they can always come to you about anything, and that you are their safety net. Be firm when necessary. Find out what is special and unique about them and nurture it. Make it your business to KNOW THEIR FRIENDS, and make them feel welcome in your home. Above all, remain calm and try to see things from their point of view. Channel YOUR inner teen, and remember what it felt like to be that age. These years can be challenging, but the reward for hanging in there is seeing them grow into responsible and caring young adults. Best of luck.

Excuse my brief answer, but choose your battles wisely. Make them the important ones and don't loose those. For instance don't battle over the length or color of hair--it is no big deal, but do battle over curfew and where the teen is after school. Those things are important.

And remember if you choose to battle over something, don't loose.

My son is 11 next week. I have been divorced since he was 4 and he sees my ex regularly but my husband and I are the 'real' mom and dad.

This kind of struggle is really normal, even with good kids, IMO. But I think you need to look honestly at how YOU feel about things too- in your post, you say
'and they aren't even mine' - but if you are responsible for them, they ARE yours so you need to just get accustomed to that! It sounds like you have a good premise to start from, but if you sort of still feel like his kids 'aren't really yours' - then the kids probably sense that too, and that is NOT going to help you manage them.

I would start by calling a family meeting. First off, you and your husband need to ABSOLUTELY be on the same page at all times or the kids will run rings around you both. Stick together!

You and your husband need to decide ahead of time on some ground rules for ALL the kids- and I don't just mean bedtimes, etc. I mean, what is acceptable and what is not. Not just stuff like 'no talking back' either- really TALK with the kids about what you consider 'talking back' (in our house it is not only WHAT you say, but HOW you say it- if I hear the 'snotty voice' I call my son out on it right away). The kids need to see that you and your husband are a team and won't be played against each other- but they also need to know what their boundaries are!

If you have this meeting and write down very clearly what your expectations are, then no one has the excuse of, "I didn't know" - write down what is unacceptable and what consequence will happen (first back talking= warning, 2nd backtalking= no tv that evening, 3rd backtalking= no sleepover, whatever on the weekend ). You and your husband - and the kids!- can decide what consequences are appropriate, but everyone must understand that is what will happen and YOU must follow through with them.

The kids need to be involved here too- talk to them about what you and your husband do that bothers THEM- you may find things you didn't even realize were an issue, or things that you can compromise on. My advice to you : if you can compromise and just let something go- if it isn't really a big deal to you- LET IT GO. Save your energy for putting out the big fires and step over the small ones! Seriously, you want the kids to be clean, polite and well-behaved and to do their chores and homework and not fight (too much) with each other. Little things- let them go and don't make yourself and the household crazy.

But communication is the key thing. Even if the kids moan and groan about 'another family meeting' keep them up! Encourage everyone to express what they like or are unhappy about.

Last but definitely not least- remember to praise and LOVE A LOT. The stick is no good without the carrot- you can punish and take away privileges, and pretty soon, you have nothing left to take away! Work the angle from BOTH sides and instead of just punishing for not doing chores, include an incentive- " If you put away the dishes and clear the table all week, you can go to see the new 3-d movie with your friends" or " I just want you to know how much I appreciate how big a help you've been all week and how polite you were. I really noticed that you didn't whine or pester me at all at the store. So how about we pick out a new nail polish color and I'll do your nails for you after dinner?" They don't have to be big expensive treats= but always, always acknowledge good behavior and even praise it RIGHT AWAY- just as you want to catch bad behavior right when it happens and say

" Did you hear the way you said that to me? (repeat it in the same voice- they HATE that, lol) That was what you sounded like and it was a really mean voice to use when I only asked you to put away your boots and coat. Why did you say that in such a mean way?"

It is tricky to blend families and everyone is a little uncertain of how far they can go. But family meetings can help- BE a family! It sounds like you have a good attitude about it and I am sure you can work this out! Best of luck to you and your family!

My son is 14 and really 12 seems like so long ago he went from a kid to teenager over night. Here is all I can say dont give them a chance to withdraw. Make sure you talk to TO him not AT him every day- Hey how was school- you will get- " it sucked" answer with another question, you might get one syllable answers but you will get answers. My husband and my boys watch sports any kind of sports there was a while there when my son would go downstairs or in his room to watch the same game his dad was watching. Until we decided that was a bad plan, so my husband would call him downstairs to ask him some question about the game just to get him talking. Keep them talking about anything seriously I know everything about my kids friends, his teachers his friends parents brothers, he shows me the " hot girl" that keeps calling him and asks my advice. Give them trust and understanding and eventually they come back and alien that inhabits them for a while is just memory

"Teenage Boys: Surviving and Enjoying These Extraordinary Years" by Bill Beausay. I got this book when my boys started into those teenage years and it was very helpful. Bottom line...they are reaching a point where they need direction and boundries (and want them whether they realize it or not). However, the way parents approach it is different than when they were younger. Our role now is to be a mentor and a sort of guidance counselor. Set reasonable boundries and make sure that the consequences are natural consequences. Meaning, consequences they will experience on their own accord caused by their actions not because their parents are punishing them. They are no longer children and want to be treated like the young men they are. If you respect them and their feelings and opinions, they will respect yours.

First off, disclaimer: I do not have teens. That said, I was one, once.

I'd like to recommend two books: the first being "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...And How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. This book is a gem, and will give your husband some very simple techniques to communicate with his son when tensions are high. The book is very easy to read, has 'comic strip'-like panels that show the contrast between the old ways of doing things and how the suggested techniquest can help.

Second book is Bruno Bettelheim's "The Good Enough Parent". This books covers more than techniques, instead focusing on why kids (esp. adolescents and teens) feel what they are feeling, and what all children (of any age) need from their parents. I've worked with children for a long time and this book is an eye-opener. Bettelheim is a holocaust survivor and longtime child psychologist who is also in touch with his feelings from childhood, and this book is both thoughtful and reassuring in so many ways.

Wishing you good luck and plenty of patience!

Just throwing out there something I saw on this site by someone--sorry I can't remember who---offer amnesty once per month.

They can tell you anything, anything bad, rules they broke, things they snuck behind your back--and NO punishment may be given.

Otherwise you wouldn't know about it anyway--so give them amnesty to confess and you'll tune in to what is REALLY going on.......