Advice for Nursing/Attachment Parenting Mom

Look into the Ferber Method, or the Sleep Lady.
You will have to let him cry it out - you treated him like a newborn too long and he needs to be taught how to go to sleep independently and self-soothe. Start out with nap time - get him used to his new bed and then take it from there.
Crying is not a bad thing - adults only cry for really big things, but kids cry when they don't get the color straw they wanted in their smoothie.
You will need to be really calm, patient and confident!
Good Luck!

I think Noelle said it all. I don't know exactly what the theory of attachment parenting is, but there does come an age where the child really should not be "leading". You might want to start a few boundaries now. He can't be in charge forever. And don't you deserve something for yourself? 19 months is not too young to start taking something for yourself. My personal feeling is that it should be all the baby's way for the first 6-8 months, and then slowly you should introduce some limitations to them.

If you feel like exhausting yourself longer that is your business, but if your son continues to control everything he will be pretty insufferable by kindergarten age.

My standpoint on parenting is that love and attention and trust and permissiveness should FAR outweigh discipline, but SOME "discipline" has to be thrown into the mix.

Hi T.,
I nursed and co-slept too, and my children are now 5 and almost 7. I don't have a quick fix for you, but I hope to give you some insight into what might be happening. This is coming from what I've learned from my own children (and others), and I do sincerely hope it helps you.

At 19 months old, your son is leaving his infancy and becoming a toddler. As he is changing and growing, your parenting methods will need to change with him too. For one thing, while a small baby it may have worked to feed him whenever he demanded to make sure he got his nutrition, now as a toddler he doesn't *need* to eat 15+ times a day. He may *want* to snack all day and night, but that is not what is needed anymore.

I believe in raising our children we need to keep the ultimate goal in mind. Yes, the immediate goal is to have happy, well-behaved children, but ultimately we are training them to be responsible, well-adjusted adults. One day he will probably have a job that won't let him take a snack break every hour--what will he do? You can start now by helping him learn to regulate his digestive system so he can last longer between meals. Help him follow his needs more than his wants. Start now with the small things or you'll likely end up with a teenager who thinks he's entitled to whatever he wants.

From your letter, it sounds like your son is the leader in everything that you do. You are the adult with life experience that he doesn't have--you should be the leader. A one-year-old is naturally self-centered. As the leader of the home, the parents need to teach the child to act for the good of the family, not selfishly. Right now his eating habits are NOT for the good of the family--it's detrimental to have a worn out, frustrated mother who could be spending more time doing other quality things with her son other than nursing all day and who lacks time and energy to give to her marriage. (Those descriptions are from your letter.)

The insight I'm trying to give you is that even though he still seems so little to you, he really is growing up, and it's time to shift your parenting from following to leading. You can be loving and firm at the same time. You can be sensitive to his needs while not indulging in all his wants. You can help him be part of the family unit and not the center of the family universe. He might cry about it, but he will know you love him and he will still love you. Best wishes!
--N.

T.,

You seem like a wonderful loving and compassionate mom. I am concerned that you are taking the attachment parenting philosophy to the extreme. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but it's not working for you. Don't feel like you have failed in any way if you need to change things up a bit. Your son should feel taken care based on the entire context of your parenting. He shouldn't solve all of life's discomforts through breastfeeding. If he wants attention, give him attention. If he is hungry, make him a snack or meal. If he is thirsty, give him a cup of water. If he is hurt, give him a hug and a band aid. Help him learn to discern what his true needs are and meet those needs accordingly.

Oh yeah, and I wanted to say that I think it is great that you are still nursing him. Keep it up as long as it is mutually enjoyable (meaning you enjoy it too!) but don't be driven by guilt.

I wish you the best and I hope it gets better for you soon!

E.

I'm not familiar with "attachment" parenting, but it sounds like your 19-month-old is running the family. I'm not talking about a baby's needs; of course they have to be the #1 priority. But you have a toddler who is telling you what to do 24/7. That is not healthy for him or you. When you're a parent you need to act like one, and that includes not letting your toddler run the show. It isn't good for him or for you. He's unable to moderate his needs and be in charge of his own development. You have to do that for him. You've got a little dictator on your hands, and that's normal for his age, but you as a parent need to begin to socialize him now, rather than give in to him. We all start off as needy, greedy little babies, and it's a parent's job to turn us into happy, kind and hopefully unselfish people.

Good luck.

The reason your son is nursing so much at his age is that he is starving. No baby, not even a newborn, nurses that much. You are not a human milk machine. You have done an admireable job of giving him all of the antibodies that he will ever need. So now it is time to stop.

Please remember that children learn what we teach them and you are teaching him that he gets to demand what he wants and that you have no say in the matter. Wrong!!

He also needs to learn how to self soothe and having him in your bed doesn't do it. What about your intimate life with your husband? Get this baby in his own crib and start parenting and calling the shots.

You know what to do because you know what you are doing is not working. Get him on solid food by not nursing so much. When he is hungry he will eat food but you have to teach him to do that. Also, start giving a cup. You can pump some breast milk and put it in a cup to help with the transition but get going. It is best for your child and you.

God bless and good luck.

+B+

It sounds like the frequency of your son's nursing, along with his demanding behavior (reading) during nursing is beginning to feel like too much for you. It's OK to set kind and firm limits with him. At 19 months, it's OK for him to be upset & disappointed when he doesn't get what he wants. (Name the feeling for him and let him know you love him and understand, but leave it at that.) You may want to read Elizabeth Pantley's The No Cry Sleep Solution. I found it helpful when I began to resent nighttime nursing. An important job for a parent is to teach a child about respect and the best way to do that is to model it by respecting yourself while also respecting your child and the situation. It's an art, not a science. You know your child best. But with some good principles in your "tool box" you will be able to negotiate all the stages with confidence, love and joy. I highly recommend the book, Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelsen to learn some wonderful principles around guiding children. There is a whole series, but I suggest starting with that title.

Hey T.,
I'm feeling for you big time. My kids are now 9, 12 and 15 but I breastfed/co-slept all of them so I can relate....
I was sooo hard on myself with the first one: no pacifiers, no bottles, no swings, walkers, etc...very little time in the crib. I gave myself (and my kids) a little more slack the 2nd and 3rd time around. What a difference!
I have to agree with the tone of the first two responses, it sounds like your son is running your life and that is definately not healthy for any of you. Saying no and setting limits are an important (yet unpleasant) part of being a "good" mom.
Remember: nursing is a relationship, there are two of you involved. You have provided nourishment and comfort, both of which he is now capable of getting in many other forms.
So (1) don't feel guilty: you're doing an amazing job!
and (2) set some limits and be prepared for some tears, they are a part of parenting and of life :)
Where are you in Martinez? My best friend lives in the Blue Ridge area...
Hang in there & contact me personally if you want to chat,
T.

I really like what Jen W. had to say on this matter. My now three-year old nursed until he was two and was not a decent sleeper until 8 months. He did not sleep through the night until about 15 months when we worked on night weaning because I was so done nursing at night. When they are older as your child is talking to them really helps. Express that you are tired and need a break to stay happy. You also see that he still really needs someone to go to sleep. Then let him know that you will nurse him for up to 30 minutes at night and then Daddy will come in for snuggling. Talk to him several times during the day about this before bedtime. Then try it and you remind him when you leave after nursing and Daddy can remind him if he fusses.
When our son was being night weaned I was reading "Go Dog Go" at night. When it got to the part where it is night and all the dogs go to sleep and sleep all night, I added that they do this without "ta ta" and do not "ta-ta" all night. We also used a binky and when he woke up at night. I would remind them of the story (sometimes I'd have to open the shade to show him it was night time; once he wanted me to turn on the light to make it day :) ) and also that Mommy needs to sleep at night and not nurse anymore to stay happy during the day. I would offer binky and also offer to snuggle but stood firm on not nursing in the middle of the night. He protested the first few nights in the middle of the night. I told him I know that this is hard for him but I want to be the best Mom I can be to him during the day so we needed to do this. I would hold him and rub his back. He didn't fuss as bad as I thought. Within a month he didn't wake me at all anymore.

He still sleeps with us. Well my husband now that we have a newborn.

Best of luck. Just keep working from your heart but you also need to get what you need.

I nursed all three of mine past a year but had stopped by 18 mos. What does your pediatrician think of your son's diet? I think your instincts are telling you it's time for a change. Spend a couple of days at the zoo or park or pool or Fairtytale Town or whatever it takes to distract him from his favorite pacifier. Hand him over to his grandparents or a trusted girlfriend for a couple of hours. Get a babysitter. Let him cry a for a couple of days knowing that your are building both of your independence -- something that is good. Maybe start on the weekend with some daddy time. Have daddy put him to bed after some stories. Stop reading stories to him while he nurses. Give him only a little time to nurse and make it as dull as possible. Take him to some salad bars and let him choose his food. Buy him some fabulous sippy cups with his favorite images on them. After a week or two, you will all be reaping the rewards of leading him through the transition. Don't condemn yourself for wanting what is right and natural for you both -- your little boy is growing up. Lead the way by showing him the wonders of the preschool years. Make way for baby, and get your marriage out of the back seat for a while.

Around that time I had a few phases of "nursing aversion" which made me feel like you describe. I think it's a sign that your hormones are starting to rise to normal cycling levels.

short on time here but I want to invite you to please visit the breastfeeding beyond infancy boards at Mothering.com's discussion forums: http://mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?s=&...

it was so helpful to me to be able to discuss this stuff with other attachment parenting moms who have been there too and to get ideas on how they handled it. I posted just what you did about the nursing aversion, several times, and was great to get support and fresh perspective that didn't conflict with my parenting style.

Hi there, I'm a mom of three (6, 4, 2) and I nursed all my kids for 1 year. Nursing becomes not necessarily the feeding need but of the attention and comfort need. Some times babies/kids will, on their own, ween themselves or not need it as much. But more often than not, the mother will need to veer them in the right direction. They are too young to make that decision themselves and it's our job to teach them what they need to do. Yes, they may complain about it a little bit because it is change, but it teaches them to try different things and to get the tools they need to be able to handle change going forward. He also may be feeding more since he is getting bigger at over a year and half old. They are needing more food, therefore, if he starts eating more solid food, he will nurse less. My suggestion is that you enforce, or have your husband (since that takes the nummies as an option) feed him 3 meals a day and you can nurse during the snack times and night times. Once he gets used to that, than you can eventually take away some snack times etc. The night time ones are the hardest, but eventually he will need to be able to fall asleep on his own so that he can a full nights rest. Ahhhhh, it's hard to make these decisions, I know. My first one was the hardest especially, but they need direction, and it is our job to do it.

I didn't have my period until I stopped nursing for all three kids and it seems to be the norm for other moms too. Nursing is also a type of natural "birth control" according to my doctor as well. As soon as I stopped nursing, my period came back and I was pregnant again.

Good luck,
J.

Your son is 19 mo. old and going through this?? Why don't you put him on a bottle. Is it really that great for him to be eating 12x a day and getting only an hour hear and there of sleep? What about solids - is he on that right now? I know you want to do what's best - but wouldn't it be better to get him on a regular schedule and have him have a full belly? My 10 mo. old gets 4 bottles a day plus 3 meals a day and he takes 2 naps a day plus sleeps 12 hours at night. Being on a consistent routine has helped tremendously for him and us. You must be exhausted!! You may want to consider making some changes for the better of your whole family. Just my 2 cents....

Hey mama- Im an attachment parent also(cosleeping and nursed til he was 2). Congrats for still nursing so much- its hard and tiring. My guess is he is teething and wants the comfort. I use 1800HOMEOPATHY teething tabs and they have so manyother great remedys if you like homeopathy. Its safe and easy for babes to take. In an acute sitch I use 2 tabs every 15 minutes til he shifts then 2 every hour or two. And it is ok for you to start gently weaning. I started with night weaning which my hubby was the caregiver when he woke up and I played possum. We talked about it with him before that we wont do anymore milkies when the sun goes down. Only when the sun is up... It was so easy 2 nights and he was fine. I thought it would be tricky. Then during the day- use food or toys or books to distract him when he wants milk. We used rice milk or almond milk- both of which he likes. I started feeling annoyed and not enjoying it anymore. Also my milk decreased as he nursed less so I felt like my body said it was time. My son uses a pacifier so that has helped and I tell him we can snuggle anytime he wants to- which we do. He wont starve- offer foods that you know he likes, and it is ok to take care of yourself and say no to nursing so much. Choose 1/2 of the 12 to get rid of and keep his most important ones ie naps and bedtime. B/c your nursing so much I doubt your pregnant but its possible I guess. Once you stop nursing at night you are more likely to get pregnant. If you do want to get pregnant again its important for you to have some down time before you have to start the whole process again. My son is just over 2 now, hes fully weaned- and now Im focusing on myself, working out, yoga, meditation- getting ready for number 2!!
Good luck sista!! PS - around the sleep thing- we dont believe cry it out either. However, utilize your hubby if possible. I used to nurse and then he would come in to lay with him to sleep. He got used to his daddy putting him down. Its not crying it out if he has a loving parent holding him. I know its hard to hear crying but he will shift pretty quick. Just go for a walk so you dont go in to relieve your hubby when your son is crying otherwise he will learn that that works. Mind you- I gave in alot b/c I hate hearing him cry. You can tell when hes just fussy cry or when he really needs you. Remember your the parent and hes getting old enough to work it out with daddy help of course.
Our son still sleeps with us which we love and he sleeps pretty well but his daddy still puts him down now with books.

This sounds really hard on you. I am an attachment mom too, and I remember the second year being particularly rough. The child is heavy and still "in-arms," also more independent and assertive but still nursing. I remember being confused by my daughter's nursing cues...she would nurse at nap time but no longer fall asleep, for instance. That turned out to be because she no longer needed the nap. I found changes in the environment helped her nurse less. As with any habit, she was taking cues from the environment that meant "nursing time." Just as, as adults, we come to the end of dinner and think "Dessert time!" (me) or "cigarette time" for smokers. In fact, my daughter weaned herself the day we moved into a new apartment. I guess what I'm suggesting is that maybe a change in your son's environment would encourage alternatives to nursing...can he be stroller-walked to sleep at night? Can he be out and about with you during daytime nursing hours? Seems worth a shot.

A great resource for support of attachment parenting/consensual living is the AlwaysUnschooled yahoo group. It's just a great community of smart, caring women (and a few men) also parenting young children by Attachment Parenting and consensual living, which means everyone's needs are accepted and a solution that best meets everyone's needs is sought. I'd suggest joining even if you're not homeschooling or "unschooling." I mean no disrespect to the non-attachment-parenting responders here when I say I've found that with this lifestyle, support comes from others who believe in it. And it's intense so we do need support. Please feel free to email me if you like.

Cheers,
J.

Hi T.,

When my daughter was 19months old I was in a very similar boat. She was still feeding very reguarly throughout the day and every 2 hours at night. We co-slept too and I don't remember when she worked out how to get to my breasts when I was asleep, but it only took her to break off 2 bittons before she learnt how to unbutton my top.

I admitedly did not try to do anything about it until she was closer to 2 and I have not totally weaned her yet (she is almost 3) although we have got her in her own bed (introduced that at 2) and I go to sleep in her bed when she wakes up now which is somewhere between 2&5am (anywhere from 6-9 hours of uniterupted sleep. So I do not have what some peopel may consider the ideal situation, but it is ideal for me.

So what I did was....

When she wanted a breastfeed (which she calls 'nana') I started asking - "Why do you want nana? Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Or do you just need some loves?" I would then offer her a snack, water or cuddles and something else she might love - like a story. She started to learn if she was hungry and would respond asking for food and sometimes she would say "I just want Mummy" and when she got a little older she would tell me it was because she was tired - she still goes to sleep with "nana". Sometimes she would say she just wanted to drink mummies "nana". So far this has worked well for us and now she only feeds at night or during the day when she is trying to go to sleep (very irreguarly).

I also try to get her to stop continual sucking when there is no or little milk coming out by explaining to her that mummies 'nana' are sore and if she keeps sucking she won't be able to have more later because they will be too sore. I then tell her to have onelast suck and to please let go. This has allowed me to shorten the time she feeds at night and after she has fed for about 10 minutes I will lie with her. She will often then tell me she is hungry so I get her some yogurt, banana or a wholeweat cereal with no sugar whcih she eats and then goes back to sleep. The same techniques is working well in the middle of the night and I have found when she goes to sleep after just eaten some carbohydrates and with some cuddles she sleeps better and longer.

FOr me this has been a long process and took months to get to where we are, but it started with me deciding that I could not work any longer with her feeding all the time. I started working in the home environment looking after other kids when she was 12 months old and all the breastfeeding and looking after 5 kids under 3years old from 8-6 5 days a week started getting to me and I was getting incredibly tired.

We still have our battle of the wills, but have very little crying and she has been taught that she just needs to learn (and I will help her) to communicate her needs and wants more in order to get them.

I don't believe in letting a child cry it out and so worked out other ways to set the boundaries and let her know who was in charge, while giving her some areas where she could feel like she is in charge - like would you like an apple,orange or banana for morning tea? Which skirt/pjamas/pants etc. would you like to wear today?

Good luck and don't feel like you have to give up on attachment parenting or breastfeeding to get your energy back.

I would also suggest that you get at least 1-2 hours a week time out where your husband has the child and you go out and exercise, have coffee with a friend or do something you like to do by yourself. It is a huge rejuvinator!!!

Noelle said it beautifully, I couldn't agree more. Your doing a great job and you'll get through this transition ,there will be many more limits to set ahead of you, listen to your motherly intuition.

i just want to let you know that you can still maintain the goals and values of attachment parenting while introducing your needs to your child. something great about his age is he underdstands your words, so whatever you choose to implement can be explained clearly. i would definitely think about using the stroller or backpack to get him to sleep for nap. you should not be spending that long!! you have needs too. like a rest! i nursed my guy till 20 months, hoped to go longer, but i had just been introducing other ways to get him down to rest for several months and trying to offer other things to do when he wanted to nurse and he really eased out of nursing really smoothly. but it was bittersweet. what i am trying to tell you is that you can give him closeness without always nursing. wearing him in a carrier is such a good way for him to be close (especially if you throw him on your back) without being all about the boob. and for me, getting my man involved in the down-to-bed routine was a huge break. you will have to pick and choose what is most important to you to do first. everything has been slow transitions for us and the only thing that he cried through was night weaning (14 mos.) other than that trying but oh so worth it experience (also co-slept so i was an all-night diner too) we have felt like transitioning our 2 1/2 yr old to more independence with comfort and sleeping has been really intuitive and nurtured. i do think he sleeps better now that he is out of our bed. the kicking and tossing and turning were so much. and he still comes in our bed at some point every night or morning for cuddles and extra shut-eye. but i know that at least for a few hours, he gets good, uninterupted sleep. i do not believe that attachment parenting means losing yourself, and if you are thinking about having another kid, there is no way they can both have this sort of dominance over your schedule. i would suggest easing your child toward more independence especially if you are thinking of no.2. also, i got annoyed with my kid about nursing even though wasnt pregnant because it gets really taxing sometimes. ever seen a mama dog wean her pups? she does it young and she is not nice about it. it is so natural to get frustrated with always giving it up. i think if you get a little of yourslef back, you will find you have more appreciation of nursing times. good luck.

Wow, I'm over-whelmed & exhausted just reading your posting! I can only imagine how you feel! It sounds like he's nursing almost as much a baby does which is too much for a toddler who should be getting filled up w/solid, healthy food. So, my guess is that a good chunk of it is for comfort. It sounds like you've become a human pacifier & that's gotta be exhausting. I'm sure by the end of the day, not only are you phyiscially tired but emotionally tired as well. You & your son need to figure out another, less draining way, for him to be soothed. Cuddles, milk in a special cup that he picks out, maybe take him shopping for a new special lovey that he picks out. Maybe singing/dancing to some soft music. So, my suggestion is to start off slow on the weaning....try for the night time first & then work your way into cutting back on the day time nursing toan amount/time of day that is comfortable for you. You have to think about the furture & when you have more kids....how will your son self-soothe & get to sleep then? There are so many methods out there on weaning & sleeping thru the night. My suggestion is you pick one that works for all 3 of you & then stick w/it. It will be hard but be strong. The goal here is for your little boy to be happy, independent & confident apart from you. This is a life-long skill that will benefit you all & everyone will be happy. If this constant nursing isn't working for you then it's up to you to make the change. The key is to be strong & consistent. Hope this helps & good luck!

Dear T.,
You are describing an exact excerpt from my life! I am mom to a 3.5 yr old son whom I am in the process of weaning this weekend. We would go thru spurts of intense b-feeding where it took 1-2 hrs to fall asleep. What I now know is that my son wasn't tired enough at times to go to sleep when I wanted him to. I started putting on "sleepytime" music before nursing as the cue for sleep. When he got older and started eating more solids , I would say " nummies are for ?" and he would say, " nite nite" and then I would only nurse at night before bed. That made the weaning easier. Also, I think he truly senses stress going on with me which I think keeps him up and clingy. Could also be a growth spurt. I would try to wear him out more during the day. Good luck. I know its hard. Let us know how you do.

I agree with all the advice about setting boundaries and taking care of yourself too! Kids do pick up on when we're resentful of them, cranky, etc., so much better to be feeling good than to keep suffering. I nursed my daughter until almost 2 y.o. and weaned because I too wanted to get pregnant. One practical thing that worked was she had gotten a special sippy cup shaped like a frog that she loved and when she wanted to nurse I would say, how about some milk in your frog cup? And she would usually go for it, no fuss. I gradually worked down to one feeding in the a.m. when she would come into my bed and we would nurse and cuddle. It was hard to give that one up, but I just started getting up immediately and going straight for breakfast and if I did really cheerfully and excitedly, she wouldn't notice we had skipped the nursing. Just a couple months later we were able to resume the morning "bed-in" and cuddle, but without the nursing, so that was a relief. So general advice, give alternatives, make them fun and stay upbeat! Good luck!

I think he's nursing so much because he's hungry. A 19 month old needs other sources of nutrition to fill his belly and if he won't eat, he will need to nurse 12-15 times a day. I like the other mom's idea to offer a snack before he breastfeeds.

V.