A good friend of mine just married a guy with a 2-year-old son. His mother died in childbirth so my friend is the only mom figure he's ever known. She's a very intellectual person and concerned with doing everything just right. Are there any good books for this type of situation? I have a son almost the same age as this boy, so I can help her with the basics, but I never had to deal with all the complications of the extended family and so on. Any advice?
Thanks for all the advice - it's so true that every parent will mess up, but I think that will be hard for my friend to accept. As for her relationship with the little guy, she has definitely jumped in with both feet, they already decided to have him call her Mama. Thanks for the book & website recommendations, I will pass those along. Also I loved the idea for a memory book for his birth mom. They don't have photos of her in the house, so that would be a fantastic thing for him to have as he grows up.
I like the "What to Expect Series." I had the one for pregnancy, the first year, and now the one for toddler years. Mostly it covers the basic parenting and childcare stuff, but they do talk about different family situations and have advice for dealing with the emotions of being a mom, etc. They have a website with even more information and a community.
Great advice on here! I don't know anything personally about this kind of situation, but one thing I don't think anything mentioned was the birth mom's family... it's hard enough having one MIL, let alone two (her husband's and his late wife's mother), but that family already lost their daughter, please don't make them now lose their grandchild, too. I'm sure it's hard to try to find time to share holidays and such, but do reach out and try to keep that connection alive, for their sake as well as this boy's.
I don't have advice for the immediate future but a story for "happily ever after". My sister married a guy with a six year old girl, Jessie. She came into their lives when the girl was almost 3. The father had full legal and physical custody and she very, very seldom saw her mother and only supervised visits. He allowed her to visit her maternal grandparents. In fact the grandmother liked my sister better than her daughter. Jessie has never had a relationship with her bio mother. If she referes to her at all she calls her by her first name. My sister is her mother for all intents and purposes.
After Jessie turned 18 she gave my sister adoption papers for her birthday. Today Jessie is a beautiful, well-adjusted 27 year old woman, happily married (her bio mother was specifically NOT invited to the wedding, per Jessie's request), working, and going to graduate school.
Your friend has every opportunity to be a wonderful mom because she will be the only "real" mother he has. She'll make mistakes, we all do, but children seem to survive most everything as long as they're loved.
Good luck to your friend.
Yes! And there is also a wonderful stepmom community that welcomes your friend. I am a mom of 4 and a stepmom of 2. These are the top three books I would recommend for your friend:
Stepmonster - Wednesday Martin
A Career Girls Guide to becoming a Stepmom - Jacquelyn Fletcher
The Smart Stepmom - Laura Petherbridge, Ron L. Deal (this book actually has side notes in each chapter that deals with issues particular to your friend's situation as to when the mom is deceased)
There is also a wonderful online community that provides resources and connects stepmoms to one another.
www.stepmommagazine.com is an online magazine just for stepmoms
www.stepchicks.com is an online community of stepmoms where you can meet other stepmoms and post questions/get answers
www.thestepmomstoolbox.com is a site of articles and a radio talk show
www.cafesmom.com a site dedicated to smoms (women who nurture and care for their husband's children). This is actually my site. I have a real heart for stepmoms and helping them on their journey. If you or your friend have anymore questions, please go to my site and email me. I will be happy to respond. We also have a local stepmom support group and are in the Cleveland Area.
Your friend has a good friend in you. Wishing her the best.
H.
I know I'm jumping into this late, but I'd like to offer one bit of advice that no one else has. Considering the strictness of HIPPA laws regarding medical information etc... your friend and her husband may want to check the specific laws in the state they live in regarding her rights and responsibilities. Just because she is married to this child's father, it may not guarantee that she will be recognized or allowed to be a caregiver. She may not be able to have access to or act as a guardian to the child unless she has adopted or been granted legal guardianship of the child. If an emergency arises and the father is not able to be there it could be a major problem. In the state I'm in my mother was allowed to act as caregiver to my child or even bring her to the pedi for a physical without a court ordered document of guardianship in place. Ridiculous I know, but it's worth looking into before a need arises.
I would tell her to relax. no parent or kid is perfect. my other half had 2 moms the one that died and the one that raised him. She treated them just like her own. would discipline accordingly and so forth. She had 4 kids that totally respected her. There is no perfect parent just like there is no perfect kid.
She will make mistakes all parents do. I don't know of any books to help. I wish her luck. Tell her not to look at the kid as a step kid to look at the kids as hers. The kid won't understand why they have a step mom and no mom until they are older so why act like a step mom. Act like a mom.
This is ALOT different than marrying someone who's divorced, etc, where the child/children have known another mother. There tend to be respect/lack of respect issues w/ a step parent, etc when the other parent is still living. This child will NEVER have to deal w/ this, nor will you or the father.
You raise them as your own, but when time comes/situations arise, you talk about the mother, her character (good parts only), things she liked, liked to do, etc. so that the child at LEAST knows something about his birth mother.
If the three of you decide to put a book together for him, I think that would be GREAT and know that the child will be grateful that you made an attempt to let him "get to know" his birth/biological mother. This book could contain pictures, notes from her friends and family members, etc. This is the type of thing that takes time, thought, etc but something the child will treasure for a lifetime. You'll also gain respect for making that attempt.
If she's one of those who wants to do everything right (a woman after my own heart) very likely she'll make alot of mistakes. Keep the communication lines open and be up for discussing, etc as the child gets older. Lucky her.........to get the priviledge of helping to raise a child who's lost a parent. Parenting IS a priviledge and a HUGE responsibility, but one that carries no greater honor.
Based on experience with friends, my best advice is that she needs to remember NOT to try and compete with a ghost. This boy has lost one of the most precious gifts in life. It will be important for him to know all about his mother through videos, pictures, possessions, family members, etc. Only your friend can make sure that he knows where he came from and who his mother was. Later in life, he will have that much more respect for her. It will most likely make it easier for the boy's maternal family members to like and respect you as well.
With that said, you and I know that there are no books that can tell us how to be a good parent. Love and patience are two key ingredients to being a parent. And ultimately, she did not need to give birth to the boy to be his mother. Just love him and if and when she has other children, remember to treat all of the children equally.
Blessings to your friend for taking on such an important role in the life of this child. Happy Mother's Day to her!
Yes, there are several really good books written with a focus on step-parenting. However,since he's so young and his birth mother is deceased she'll be able to parent as if the son were born to her. Dealing with his family may be a different thing and I haven't seen any books about those relationships but then I've never looked for them either.
As for parenting, as you probably know, there are a lot of good books. She can find some at the library, tho I frequently end up buying from a book store. I devote a couple of hours to browsing them so that I find one or two that look compatible with my style.
I like the Love and Logic books by Foster and Kline . They have one aimed at parenting toddlers.
There isnt a parent out there who does everything right, so tell your friend to relax :) I would say that she needs to treat this little guy as her own, that is most important. She's obviously known him awhile since she just married his dad. Love him unconditionally, and treat this as her first role as a mother. I like where a previous post said not to compete with a ghost. I also think that her and the husband should decide on a way to refer specifically to his birth mom, as calling them both just "mommy" could be confusing, and put a picture or two of her in the home, especially his room. And often, show him the picture and talk about her. Her memory needs to be honored, as she was taken from him and didnt leave. This shouldnt be something thats hidden from him, and he should grow up feeling comfortable to ask questions about her. At the same time your friend is now "mom" so she should just embrace it, and love that little boy with all she has. Thats what he needs the most. Everything else can fall into place.
My husband's mother also died shortly after he was born, and he was raised by his stepmother, who he always knew as his mother, and he was treated like her own. My only advice is do not keep the birth mother a secret. His famly did, and he only learned about her when he was 16 and needed a copy of his birth certificate. He would have been so much better off mentally had his family simply said that you have two moms - one in Heaven and the one who is taking care of you here, and both love you very much.
Also be prepared for what to say if the chld ever wonders if he caused his mother's death. This was something that bothered my husband a lot. It took a lot of therapy to help him to understand that his birth was not the cause of her death, and that he was a very much wanted child.
I hope your firend will never have to deal with these issues. The woman who took in my husband and raised him as her own was a true blessing to him. I am sure your friend will be that for her new stepson too.
