I am a stepmom for two children, a 9 year old girl and a 10 year old boy. I have known them for the past five years and have been living with them for the past three years (when their father got custody since their mother abandoned them for a few motnhs). Their father and I got married a few months ago. I am the one that spends most of the time with the kids, drives them around, and helps them with homework. One problem that occurs a lot with the girl especially right after she comes back from visting with her mother (maybe once every three months and major holidays) is lying and acting like a drama queen (exactly like her mother). Because of that I really have a hard time believing anything she says and I feel bad for that. Sometimes she comes home from school saying she has no friends and nobody talks to her and this or that person pushes her. But at the same time her friends call very often, we have been at the school for several occasions and nobody has ever said anything and we haven't seen anything to worry about. In addition, most of the time she changes her stories during the afternoon and she says a lot of "uh" indicating that she is thinking about what to say. What should I do with her? To what extent can I believe what she is telling me? I don't want to show her that I don't believe her because if something really happens I want her to feel comfortable to come to me and talk to me. But at the same time I don't want to show that I am too worried about her "drama stories" or she will create even more drama and lies. Thank you for your help.
Find her a therapist to talk to or sigh her up for a girls group at the Y.Swimming or some other activity that she enjoys and is allwed to meat other positive girls.Maybe if she can work through her hormonal issues feelings she wont feel like she has to act the way she does to get attention.
One thing I would suggest is to NEVER call her a drama queen to her face. She will get the idea in her head and subconsciously try to live up to that label.
Honestly, though, I think that the lying and exaggerating is part of the age. My dd is almost 9 and does this to some extent. Maybe talk to her school counselor about these issues and she might have some suggestions for you and her-some coping skills...
I'm stepmom to a 7 yr girl whose mom is an alcholic. When she goes to her mom's we have the same problems. Fortunately, our home lives are complete opposites and she gets to see how people should really behave... but she still adores her mom and often admits she lied because her mom tells her she has to look out for "number one" (herself). We never yell or get angry when we catch her in a lie... instead we act disappointed and tell her we still love her even though she lied.(the school counselor told us to do that) Our disappointment bothers her so much! She's much more likely to be apologetic when she sees that she has hurt our feelings by not trusting us to tell us the truth. We explain to her that people simple do not like to spend time w/ folks who lie, and we are quick to gently point out examples when we come across them (i.e. on a tv program or in real life) of how lying can hurt someone, but mostly hurts the person who lied. We never, ever put her mom down or tell her she shouldn't want to be around her mom because she lies, instead we tell her that even grownups don't always do the right thing, so she can't always copy her mom, or any adult. We are church going folks, so often times we will tell her if she is unsure how to behave, she should ask herself how God would want her to behave. Bless her heart, she's a great kid, she just gets confused about what is acceptable at times. Most of all, you CANNOT let her catch you in a lie! If you have to tell a white lie in front of her ( ie in order not to hurt someone's feelings - you like so and so's new haircut, when it really looks bad) explain why the first chance you get. Hope this helps some... you are not alone!
You are correct in listening to her even when you don't think she's telling the truth. Ask lots of questions, not as though you are doubting her but more like you are interested in what she's saying and want to know the details. In a way, you will be taking control of the conversation and forcing her to keep talking, which isn't convenient when in the midst of a lie. Listen well and store up the details so that when there's an inconsistency, you can ask about it. Again, not in an accusing way, just as though you don't understand how the story goes. (I though such-and-such happened then...) Always question the inconsistencies. It will show her that you are listening and that she really isn't fooling you. Save up your facts as ammunition for the right moment to address it with her, either when it naturally comes up or when you decide to talk to her about how you want to trust her, but sometimes you aren't sure what's true and what isn't.
On a different note, with my maiden name, I was also G. D! :)
