Advice for Dealing with 9 Year Old Daughter

Hi R., I too have a 9 year old daughter, she makes straight "A's" but hates to go to school. We fight almost every night about her getting her homework done, and yes I usually need to get involved in order for it to get done before 10! She is never ready to go to bed by 9/9:30 either, making excuses to get up if I do get her to be on time! To top it off my daughter is also overweight. So on PE days she cries and cries not to go to school because the kids laugh at her when they have to do physical activities. I will be so glad when school is out this year so I don't have that fight each day! Careful with the ADD - I'm thinking that she's going through the terrible 9's!

you are going to think i am nuts but my son is adhd and we actually make a game out of homework we turn on the microwave timer because it is the most accurate 1 minute timer the first time he does it at his time then we do one together next he tries to beat his time math sometimes he can get 4-5 problems done in 1 minute (keep in mind spec ed but for him it is still very hard) so the deal is if he gets 5 math questions done a minute he gets a minute taken off homework time in his IEP (individualized education program) the rule is 15 minutes of homework per grade level so 6th grade this year 90 mins this year tops a night sounds like a lot i know but that actually can for him be an 90 mins on 1 problem if he wants to really be stubbord and those nights happen to, most night he races the clock because he wants to ride his bike and watch big brother lol so he is faster all about incentives

A lot of kids start losing interest in school about that age. It comes, usually, from one of two things - school is getting too difficult and the class is getting ahead of her; or school is getting too easy and she's bored.

Take a look at her grades before she started losing interest. If they weren't very good, maybe get a tutor or try helping her with some of the stuff yourself - even the stuff that's not "homework," but any/all of it.

If her grades were really good before she started losing interest, she could be getting bored. Find out from her teacher what they're learning and maybe try to find some extra books or activities along the same lines that may resnag her interest. If this is the case, this is the critical age to regain her interest in school.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions about ADD right away, it could be something as simple as one of these two situations. If you think about it, a typical class has between 20-30 students in it, the teacher HAS to stay with the class average, they CAN'T work with every child at his or her own level. Therefore, those who are struggling a little, get left in the dust. Those who excel, get bored. That's why I homeschool; it's definitely the best solution. However, a lot of people are unable to do it, so I would suggest these other things.

If it does turn out to be ADD, though, try to stay away from putting her on drugs. Theya re SOOOOO bad for the child! You are actually lowering her IQ and definitely eliminating a lot of creativity. The best way is just to spend extra time with them such as suggested above, anyways. Even though, I know you don't seem to have much time for anything.

My daughter is 11, going on 12 in July and she has ADD. She was diagnosed when she was in 1st grade, so I have been dealing with this for a while. It was a very hard decision for me to put her on meds but after I did it I am so glad that I did. The change is undescribable...she can pay attention again!! You just have to really watch her and she if she is just not paying attention or if she just does not want to do it. My suggestion would be to take her to her normal Dr. and talk with them about it. When I did that my Dr. referred me to a pediatric neurologist who was the one that diagnosed her. They had me fill out a survey and had all of the teachers who work with her do the same. I would suggest that you really follow up on it, the sooner u get it fixed the better for her and her school. If you want any more information or just want to talk about it just let me know!

S.

Wow you could have been talking about my son at that age! It took him hours to do any homework! He was forgetful, and it just got worse as he got older. I asked his teachers if they thought there was a chance that he had ADD and they said no because he wasn't fidgety he was just lazy. His grades continued to drop and his attitude got worse. Finally in 7th grade I insisted that he be tested. Sure enough he has ADD. He started on Concerta and it made such a difference! Total Turnaround! He is 17 now and makes A's & B's. I only have to ask him once to do something(most of the time, lol) I cannot tell you how bad I wished I had gotten him tested and on meds sooner. The only side effect of the meds is that he doesn't sleep as much as he used to and he has lost some weight.

Don't be afraid! Get her tested right away. If one med doesn't work or causes side effects you don't like, tell your doctore and keep trying until you find the one right for her.

Good luck!

R.,
I totally agree w/ Wendy. I was at that age when the fame of "ADHD & ADD" hit. I'm 25 now, and was diagnosed w/ ADHD at the age of 10. Must I say... be strong, and stick by her side, b/c she doesnt quite understand what's going on. She's just as much as struggling w/ this as you are if not more. I too, was not interested in school nor homework or anything that was in a serious mean in life for that matter. But just work w/ her.. .along w/ my niece, she also had the same problem. We found what worked w/ her was by talking w/ the teachers and staff and moving her up a grade in some subjects and down a grade in others. Due to the fact that she was having a hard time understanding some things, and excelled in others to where she was bored w/ what they were teaching her. She would constantly be baggered in school for not paying attention. From there she was getting agitated from being harped on all the time, that she was very defiant on not going to school. But there are some specialits that will go thru a lot of tests to see where she lacks and if that truely is the problem. If they do come back to saying that she was ADD or ADHD... I wouldnt rush her onto medicines. B/c w/ myself and others that I know, it made you someone that you werent... like a zombie in a way. If you have any further questions, please feel free to message me and I'll give you my number. I just feel for this little girl as many other kids, b/c of these trends and schools are so quick to point every fault out anymore! Good luck!

I know how you feel. I am the mother of 10, but I have one son at the age of 6 who struggles with homework and school. I am finally at witts end, so I called his pediatrician and also made an appointment with Children's Mercy behavioral health. That sounds like alot, but I see my son struggling and frustrated often. I would much rather get to the bottom of the issue and help him enjoy life. Life should be full of laughter not frustration.

A little about me: I am a student nurse, with 10 children- age 2 years to 19 years- 8 boys and 2 girls.

Dear R., sounds like my life when my four boys were young, husband was gone at work all the time, my son stephen was like your daughter, they had put him in special ed. Back then, thats what they did, not good they carry that label all through school. Have her tested by a pro-who can tell you 100 percent thats what she has, do not take the schools word. We did back then and was the worst thing we did, stephen just got by with what he had to do because of the school system, they put these children in special ed, and they dont grow at all, they do only what they have too. Please go to a pro and have them check her out and then go from there. God bless and let me know how she is doing. Always, S.....

R.,
The only way to be certain is to have the appropriate testing done. Girls with ADD have different symptoms than boys with ADD. They tend to have fewer problems with hyperactivity but they show signs of inattention. They might be easily distracted, very untidy, and they are often accused of not paying attention or listening.
Teachers can suggest you have your child tested, but they do not have the ability to diagnose as a DR. So, you'll have to visit your pediatrician. Good luck.
S.

I don't have a child that age but from seeing my younger brother grow up (he's 16 and has add) on medication, it really took away his personality. I would suggest trying alternative ways to help get her motivated, besides medication, if she does have add. Try to structure chores and homework in a way that is fun and rewarding. Does she get an allowance? If not, try that. Keep a chart on the fridge? If not, try that. You could try a points system where certain chores and homework are worth so many points and if she gets so many points by the end of the week she gets to do something/go somewhere of her choice that is fun for the whole family. Have her older siblings help out if they can. Children are very impressionable and need someone to look up to that says it's fun and important to do chores and homework. I hope this helps! GOod luck!!

Hi R.,
how are her grades in school if they are good then maybe it's that she is not learning, its not challenging enough for her. also is it that she just wants to go do other stuff and trys to get out of doing it?
I have a 15 year old and he would rather play his games and ride his bike than do homework and chores but it's not possible so he just has to do it anyway. I've noticed with my 6 yr old that he will act like he can't read his sight words or words in a book but he will for my husband everyday all the time. i would see if you can talk to her see what might be going on. make sure that she isnt overwhelmed with the stuff she has to get accomplished at home. I've noticed with my oldest if I let him come home and just relax for a couple hours he will be better when he does his homework and we do chores after dinner so we all can sit down at the sametime. good luck mom of 4 W.

There are actually tests they do to determine whether or not your child has ADD or ADHD. Talk to your doctor and they might refer you to a psychologist that can test your child. Im not sure if your doctor can do it or not but I know a psychologist/psychiatrist can. Hope this helps!!
--S.

Hi R.,
First of all you are not alone. I am in the same boat. I have a 9 year old going through the same thing. I was told by the school to take her to her doctors. The doctor will talk with you and her and run some simple tests. The doctor will also give you papers, like assessments to have the teacher fill out and yourselves also. Then there will be another doctor appointment to go over the results. Your not alone. This happens alot. You can also meet with the teacher and the school district rep or even the special ed person at the school and they should be able to run some testing for free through the school also. I hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!!

I also have a nine year old daughter and i have to wonder if maybe it is her age. My daughter is very smart and sweet but lately she can drive me insane. She has always liked school and was good in it. Homework is such a battle and when she does have it she takes so long to finish. Her teacher also says she never gets her morning work done which causs her to miss recess but she dont care. Any chores she gets (mainly cleaning her room) takes hours when it should only take a few minutes. I never thought of a learning disability because she is normal in all other ways. I have been in search of ways to change her behavior so if you have any suggestions that sound good to you please pass thm along.

Hi R.,

Here is a good website to visit: http://www.hyperactivekids.com/sections/library/addadhdsy...

The website has a list of symptoms to use as a guide for an ADD/ADHD diagnosis. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5. We tried vitamins and minerals to deal with the ADHD for a little over a year with no improvement. I'd suggest that you print out a copy of the symptoms, identify those symptoms and then make an appointment with a medical professional. We used our family doctor initially but found that we should be taking him to a psychiatrist who's main focus is with children. It has taken us a few years to finally find a combination of medications and therapy that he responds well to. He is now 14 and while we still see some symptoms (he is also bi-polar and Asperger's Syndrome)we have discovered the true JJ and welcome his sense of humor and his positive attitude.

Good luck in finding someone who can guide you through this journey of doing what is best for your daughter. If ADD/ADHD is the final diagnosis you can also have an IEP (Individulized Education Program) which will outline what services her school provides.

W. Q

There is hope...once we got an

The book "Ending the Homework Hassle" by John Rosemond is really really helpful. He is all about empowering kids to do things themselves and taking the burden off the parents. He is one of my favorite people and also has a lot to say about ADD. He has a website and a magazine too. Good luck!

My daughter is 10 and hates homework. She will cry, whine, complain, etc to get out of doing homework. However, she has to sit and do homework, I told her I will not take any complaining. She does it anyway and we just sit there longer without TV (her favorite pastime). She gets more motivated when her brother is home (also 10) and they do homework together. There is more competition there.

I think it is probably their age, pre-teen stuff.

Can your other children work with her on her homework? Is it her way of trying to get more attention? Mine tries that also. She says that I give more attention to her brother. Which somedays he needs.

Do you have time to do homework with just her? Can you turn it into a game?

i also have a 9yr old daughter that has had issues with homework (not finishing it and lying about it) and taking a long time to finish tasks. My daugther was already taking the 'gifted' (advanced) classes. Her teacher said she didn't see this problem in gifted students and thought that she might be bored with the subjects, like the other moms have mentioned. So the teacher made some more challenging assignments for her. And i have taken a more active role in making sure that every assignment gets finished completely. i trusted her to tell me the truth before that. As far as finishing chores, i have found that setting a timer has worked better for my daughter than anything else i've tried. i don't know about ADD/ADHD. It's definitely worth looking into. i may do so as well. i didn't know that it's symptoms were different in boys vs. girls as the other mom said. Good luck.

I wouldn't automatically think ADD. Maybe just short attention span. The general rule is a minute per year of age.

I would stick close by her and don't let her use any of these things as an excuse (http://lifematters.com/step.asp). Use lots of praise especially when she finishes a problem/question and page. Do this just the two of you alone for at least 20 minutes. Repeat everything positive or correct she says, imitate every positive noise she makes and say things like "Jenny, I like the way you thought out your answer to that question, wrote that word, or finished that page!!!"