My 2 1/2 year old dd plays nearly every afternoon with the children down the street. So this afternoon when we went down to play, we ran into her friends packing up the car to go swimming at a different friend's house (my dd sometimes plays with this friend too). The other little girl told my daughter that they were going to the pool, and my dd said "I want to go". I had to explain we hadn't been invited and maybe we could go swimming another time. She hung her little head. The mom that was leaving said, "I'm sorry". Neither of us knew what to say. I need a little advice...how should I have handled it? How should I handle it in the future? I felt so horrible that she was sad. I'm sure there was no ill-intent on anyone's part, but how do I explain to a 2 year old that she's not always invited to places her friends go? This is the first time we've come across this situation. Thanks in advance for your help :)
Thanks to everyone! I guess I just needed a little reassurance ;) When it happened, I was caught a little off guard and wanted to make sure for next time I would be better prepared. My daughter is doing just fine and we've played with the kids since and they're all friends. All was forgotten quickly. I do try to teach her the importance of respect for others, taking turns and sharing, and being a good host when friends are over. She's a very sweet little girl and she's good with other kids. I just need to continue to make sure I keep steering her in the right direction with the tools she needs. Thanks again!!
Hi J.,,,,
It's hard but it is a live lesson that we all have to learn that we don't always get what we want ,,just think of how the 3month old is going to feel when big sister goes to swim when she is 5 and lil sis is 2 so just explain it to her in simple languge she can understand because it's just the beginning of many years of no you cant go
good luck L.
The best thing to say is "We can't go today. We already have plans." Not everyone can be included in everything. I would not let her know she was not invited. Just tell her you are busy going somewhere else.
Get used to it, kids have to face situations like this ALL the time. She is way too young to understand now, just redirect her and find something else to do. But as she gets older, teach her that she should not invite herself to go places with others (but of course she is too young to understand that now) but also help her by being a good role model - and help her to know she doesn't always get to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. The better friend and neighbor she (and you) are the more likely she will be invited places. But if they were going to someone else's home, the mother was in no position to invite or include your child anyway, and you have to find the best way to explain (or distract your child since she's probably too young to try to explain it anyway, but I would anyway just so YOU can get used to doing so, as I said this will happen more and more as she gets older). It is similar to when they want to know why their friend has this toy or gets to go on that vacation, and they don't. They have to learn to be happy for their friends and not envy (which is VERY hard to do).
Don't sweat it, if you handle it right she may forget about it within a few minutes. It's one of those things you have to go through so you are more prepared next time as a parent how to handle it. Just move on, find something else to do, and don't let it bother you and it won't bother her eventually (or at least not as much).
Good luck, welcome to another "fun" part of motherhood.
:)
Dear J.,
Your precious little angel on earth had a totally normal reaction and you seemed to have handled it just fine. You responded to why she was not invited. A 2 year old can only absorb so much and your few words probably made a difference because she had a reaction(by putting her head down) by her non-verbal behavorial after you explained the situation (good start). When she puts her head down, you could probably respond with what is called an open ended question, such as, "tell me how you are feeling?" Although she is only 2, she may not be able to verbally explain how she is feeling, but you can come up with pictures that look sad, angry, happy, etc... and sometimes you can come up with different colors, like red for unhappy, blue for happy, on so forth. This works well for the little ones because that is how they learn to respond to your questions and it allows them to communicate their feelings at their cognitive level. Once they can express theirs feelings by using the technique as mention above, than you can paraphrase by saying, "you are feeling sad?" I only say this because it worked for me and as one of my children grew, he was able to start verablly expressing his feelings. I hope this helps you somewhat and I know when it comes to our children, we hurt for them when we see them sad. Be Encouraged and know with each age, there are new wondeful challenges and you get better at it as you experience each one. Blessings!
How do I explain to a 2 year old that she's not always invited to places her friends go? By saying just that and not making a big deal about it. Confidence, Mom. 2yo is an easy age to redirect to fulfilling activities sans friends. And there's going to be uncomfortable situations like this one her entire life. When you approach it positively and don't fret, it will make a world of difference in the attitude you'll be teaching your child to develop. Maybe you can invite someone over to play with her (and that can show her that people take turns playing with each other). I had a neighbor years ago with an only child (I had 2 daughters at the time) and her entire life revolved around providing "play dates" for her 4yo daughter everyday--for hours on end-- so that she hardly had any alone time which is important for a young child to have. I tried to tell her that she needed to let her daughter play at home with her own family, too, but she thought that she would be a mean mom to not "let" her go over to the neighbors for 4+ hrs (no kidding). She started reading Dobson's books and it helped her a ton. I like Dr. James Dobson's books because they've helped me see that it's healthy to not sugar-coat life and keep your kids from every single disappointment because then what's small becomes devastating to them. (I'm not talking about throwing your kids into bad situations to make them "strong"! I mean teaching them that life won't always go the way they think it should but they can be proactive in how they handle it, not "waiting to be rescued"/acted upon.)
You might want to check with the other mom before showing up every afternoon for play dates. Maybe make plans ahead of time and don't expect they are just going to be there everyday. A simple phone call and ask if the neighbor would like to get together today. I've learned that I don't promise my daughter that she is going to see her friends unless I know they are going to be there. When my daughter asks when she can go to a friends house, I always tell her we have to wait until we are invited. Also, make sure you are reciprocating with play dates at your house and inviting children to play with your daughter. The other mom probably likes getting out of her house too. But I agree it is awkward when you hear other moms making plans and you feel left out, and you don't want your daughter to be left out. Try not to take it personally, try to be the initiator the next time. Good luck!
Dear J., ooooh, I know it hurts parents when something hurts their children. You can start taking turns with toys, etc. to show dd that everybody gets a turn. Tell her it was the other friend's turn to go swimming. She can go swimming next time. When you take her to the library or such, she will see that other children are there having a library turn. Tell her that you and daddy have to take turns, everybody has to learn to share. You handled it very well. The other mom and child were not at fault for having their fun. Kudos to you for not pressing to join them going uninvited. That would have made everyone uncomfortable. Your good example teaches respect for others. Though you were disappointed/had hurt feelings, you can still have your own fun. Everybody is still friends. ;)
It's part of life. The sooner she learns to accept that it's ok not to be invited to everything and still be content, the happier your child will be for the rest of her life. It's hard, but it's harder on you right now than it is for her. Distract her, let her know that we don't always get what we want and we can't always go when and where we want. But, we can find something else to do instead and still have fun. Don't show your disappointment or insecurities and you will raise a much more emotionally stable child. I share my feelings with my child to show that what they're feeling is normal. But, you can't dwell on it. Let's find something else to do. If you dwell on it - she can read you and will also learn to dwell on it. It will be an emotional habit that she will have the rest of her life, good or bad. Develop the beneficial and strong one.
You helped your daughter just right. You told her what was going on and explained about being invited and not inviting yourself. Maybe it would help reinforce this lesson if you made a point of calling the other mom and scheduling your playdates instead of "almost always playing with them" and not knowing if they'll be there each time you knock on their door. I'm sure she's just as disappointed when you walk down there and no one's home. At least the leaving mom was nice enough to say she was sorry that she couldn't invite y'all to someone else's home.
Some won't like me to say this because they feel we should shield them for as long as possible, but unfortunately even our littlest children will face disappointments in life. I'm not talking big issues here, any time a little child is told "No" to toys at the store or ice cream or McDonald's they experience disappointment and each one can be a lesson in self-control, self-discipline, self-entertaining and coping when it is explained in a firm loving way. When my kids are disappointed about something they weren't alowwd to have for whatever reason, I let them know that it is okay to sad or angry about the situation, but it is not okay ot give off attitude (get huffy) or to throw tantrums.
We went to Fiesta Texas Sunday and my purse was stolen about 20 minutes after we got there. We waited in the hospitality office for 2 hours waiting for a police officer to respond to our call because they were tied up on more important calls and never made it out there to us because a stolen purse with no one in danger is not a priority. My husband is a police officer, so I understand what they mean. I'd rather they attend a sick/injured person that be tied up with me who lost only a "things". My kids (ages 8 & 5) would every now and again come and ask in very sad, bored voices when we would be done. I had to explain what happened, that I didn't know when and to please be patient a little longer. They were patient for almost THREE hours. After that we decided to go ahead and go on a few rides since we had already contacted our bank and no credit cards were involved. An officer did come out to our home to take the report later that evening. I also had to show my kids how to cope because I was hurt and disappointed ~ my camera, i.d., bank card, check book, keys and BRAND NEW PURSE I had traded for by making jewelry for someone else. So stupid to take it with me in the first place. I don't normally do that. They knew I was sad and angry, but I didn't let it ruin our day together. The kids enjoyed the rest of the day and while we were walking to the car my husband had our daughter and I had our son. I told our 5 year old Thank You for being so patient in the office. He looked at me with such a self-happy grin and said, "Yeah, I was a BIG boy... I didn't throw a tantrum or say Oh Man, or anything. I just looked at my map and ate my ice cream!"
What is important is how we teach them to handle them and which disappointments we teach are important enough to linger over (not being invited isn't, neither is a purse, but it still hurts). If we teach them early to handle situations in which they don't get what they want, then when they are older and even more independent they will be able to make good decisions about handling disappointment when we aren't there to help them and not lashing out at others. A 2 year old's tantrum can be redirected, but what if it's a 15 year old's tantrum? Much harder to rein in.
You did a great job. The fact that you're daughter got over it shows that you've got her on the right track. You're a great Mommy. Keep up the good work.
To reassure your decision, you absolutely did the right thing. We must help our children understand that the friends they have also have other friends and that they are not always invited to sleepovers, parties, etc... To help her deal with it, find out if there is somewhere else she would like to go. Also, there might be times when there is nothing else to do so therefore, encourage independent play time.
Your response was completely correct. It never hurts to explain things honestly, especially when it comes to common courtesy.
Explain we will go another time, right now we are going (to the mall, have ice cream, ect.)2 1/2 is a hard age to get the point across and you hurt as much as she does. This is a good time to do a extra nice mommy thing. The other Mommy should have given a kiss on her cheek and made the departure not so mean! It is hard at any age to say, "not this time".....
I actually took my younger son along to a skate party my older son was invited to. The mother was rude about it. So, I made it fun anyway!! Momma put on skates and we ate our own pizza!
I think you handled it well. This is something that we all have to learn; that we are not always included in others plans.
One suggestion that I would offer from personal experience; is to call before just showing up on their doorstep. We had a girl on our street that spent the summer with her grandmother but she liked to spend her days at our house playing with one of my daughters. I understood that she was bored but our family stays on the go quite a bit or they have other friends from church or school that like to hang out at our house. Sometimes it was no big deal for her to join in but lots of times my daughter wanted to spend time with the friends that she had invited. The girl would look so disappointed when we told her that it wasn't a good time for a visit but I had to tell her anyway. I told her many times if she would call first, it would save her the trouble of walking to our house but she would still show up unannounced.
If you called first the other mother could let you know if it was a good time for a visit or not. If it isn't then just tell you daughter it is not a good time to go play with her. You don't have to give her details of why it is not a good time to visit. That way she doesn't feel left out. And then tell her that she gets to plan a mommy daughter playdate or ask her if there is another playmate that she would like to invite over. Make it seem as though it is a special opportunity to do something different.
Enjoy your little ones. My daughters are about the same age difference as yours but they are now 12 and 14 and they are still a blast to hang out with.
You did exactly the right thing. We have to teach our children manners and that we don't invite ourselves places.
Your neighbor had probably made plans with the other family and was invited by them. Explain to your daughter that they were invited over to someone elses house to swim and if they brought us that would be rude, since the other people only invited them.
Your daughter is small, so not much detail will be needed. At that age it's usually easier to explain it as a "fact" and then distract her with something else fun!
Being sad is part of learning right from wrong sometimes. Children are resilient and get over things faster than we do most of the time.
Be blessed,
M. S.
You did just what you're supposed to do, Mom. Sometimes we are disappointed and upset in life. It is not your job to protect her from these things, but to teach her how to handle them. All you have to say is that we were not invited and it's not nice to show up when you weren't asked. If it makes her sad, tell her you're sorry and distract her by having your own special tea party or something.
I hope you aren't offended! The mom that was leaving probably felt just as horrible! But I hope, from my own personal experience, that you teach your daughter now that everyone has many friends, and occasionally those friends do things without her, and it's not meant to be mean and it doesn't mean they don't like her. We have a mom in our circle who thinks her child should ALWAYS be included, in every sleepover, everything and our girls are only 7 and most of the other moms are to the point of lying and not inviting her anywhere because it's become such a problem. This will happen more often the older they get and the more common sleepovers become. Just assure her that she is still friends with them and then take the opportunity to invite her friends swimming to prove it.
As your child gets older this will happen more and more and that is just called life. Just because a friend shares time with another friend does not mean they do not like you, it just means they are a healthy normal person that has many friends and interests with others. As long as people are kind to each other, we cannot expect to be invited into every aspect of their lives.
I think you did just fine. Keep it simple and don't make a big deal of it. She's 2. She just needs some redirection and Plan B! Imagine the other mom who's only expecting one toddler visit... and then being surprised with another. That's a lot especially at a pool situation. Life is full of disappointments, unfortunately, this is her first one and you can make it a learning experience by modeling a good attitude and response. Good luck!
You handled it just fine, sooner or later they have to face this. The great thing is you didn't make a big deal leading her to think there was something wrong about not being invited. You seem to have a positive attitude and that's what will carry your child of coming to grips that I may not have been invited but nothing to take personal. I know its hard watching our children learn rejection and people having to be mean. I think I remember each one of my children's welcome to the real world incounter.
I would, from now on, call ahead to make sure they weren't going anywhere. That way your DD won't be disappointed again. Also if your DD ever asks why she can't visit her friend just say she had to go somewhere with her family. Its not completely lying but not complete truth.
Just wanted to say I totally, completely agree with Kay. It will come up again and again. The more friends she has, the more this will happen. It's not rude, it's just the way it goes sometimes. I also agree that you shouldn't dwell on it, or get too upset "for" her. Just redirect her, and act like it's no big deal. Kay said it so much better, though!
