Advice, Encouragement, Words of Wisdom

there is no side effects at least for me when i was on antidepressants for post partum. I am in the same boat as you but we are in affordable texas and my family is in oklahoma. I have been dependent on my so since my son was born until recently. the depression I think is normal for not working it is very depressing to me to be unemployed. you have to trust him. with this economy its either going to make relationships or break them. the ones who are stable will make it through if there is a small pin hole it will become a black hole

Wow! Just wow!

Uh, some fears do come from rational thought. Becoming a parent is one of the scariest things you will do in your life. I applaud you for being a thoughtful, caring enough person to look ahead with a bit of dread. Surely you have more than enough cause.

My mother once told me that if I waited until I felt financially secure enough to have a child, I would never have children. It's good to be responsible and try to make plans for the future, but also indulge in a little bit of faith that things have a way of working out. I often say, "There are those that have accomplished more with fewer resources than I have."

As far as depression.... probably so. Don't disregard your raging hormones at this stage of pregnancy. I would recommend getting out and going for a walk rather than taking meds. Get some mommy friends and do some socializing. It will be better for you in the long run. (And an occassional chocolate bar.... for medicinal purposes.) Good luck to you.

You can ask your Dr. about antidepressants, but I'm not sure if they're safe while pregnant. I don't know if you're religious, but have faith! This is truely a gift and once you start to feel that little baby moving inside you'll be thrilled! Just pray for strength and God will provide. Just think of all those who can't have children.
The worst thing that can happen is that you make some sacrifices until things turn around! You'll be fine!

Honey, I want to suggest to you that all fear comes from Satan. He reminds us constantly of all the bad things going on in the world. But there are so many more good things for all of us than bad. No matter who we are or what's going on, we can find things to be thankful for.

There's a series of teachings on www.kcm.org about biblical prosperity. It was taught recently and you can watch them all on there or download them and listen on an mp3 player. I don't know what your spiritual life is like or even if you have one at all. But God is so much better than any anti-depressant!

I truly understand. I battle negative thoughts all the time. But I'm so DONE with sitting around and thinking about gloom and doom. It's just so not worth it. I'm sorry that your family is far away. But you can make use of facebook, pictures, skype, etc to try and keep the baby connected to family. I'll be in that boat with you one day. My 2nd daughter lives in California. I'm not looking forward to being so far away when she starts a family.

Ok, first off how you are feeling is completely normal for a first time parent. I remember I had days through out my first pregnancy where I had no idea how I was going to take care of someone else. I worried about my job, and at that time it was completely stable. I worried about everything and I am here to tell you that that child is a beautiful almost 4yr old and I can't even imagine life with out her. I experienced those same feelings a few months ago while I was pregnant with my second. He is almost 6months old and as before we can handle it. Don't get me wrong there are difficult times, and I don't live near family either and envy those that have the help. Rest assured you will meet sitters and friends to help you. As for your antidepressant question I think if you feel anxious you should talk to your dr. He or she should be able to help ease some fears and let you know the risks. I say if you and your dr think it is the best thing for you and baby, do it. Pregnancy is very hard on your body and you have a lot of hormones racing right now. I think it best to let a dr diagnose you. Good luck and I wish you all the best! Being a parent really is wonderful.

First of all S., stop thinking about all the negatives, that's only adding to the depression.

Believe me, the baby once here will bring such closeness to you and your husband, you won't forgive yourself for thinking this way when you stare into its beautiful face and know how precious life is.

Maybe it's a good thing that your job is closing, you will need the extra time to recuperate and spend with your baby.

As for depending on your husband, it might not be easy at first, but start thinking of ways to cut expenses so that you won't feel burdened with a new baby, no job and family etc

You will be fine, don't get antidepressants. They might not be so good for the baby. Try not to worry so much though, it will all work itself out. Change is never easy, but you embrace it as another phase in your life and another chapter closed in the other. I wish you the best. Cheer up, it will get better!

We ALL have worries when we become pregnant! But there is *light* at the end of the tunnel! A beautiful baby!~

Have you considered looking for a nanny or daycare type job??? That way you could still be with your own baby AND make some money! Then you would still have 2 incomes coming in. Something to look into if you are worried about money and your company closes.......

I also suggest that you see if a local church is holding any womens Bible studies! You will find SO many connections there! I DID!

Your fears are so so normal, and I am not you and don't know you personally but I am not sure if you are actually 'depressed' or need medication. I felt all of these things when I was pg with my first (age 25, great starting career and solid salary, big city living, DH & I traveled etc) and suddenly having a child changed all of that. I had JUST got on my feet and began to experience LIFE and now I was going to be taking care of one????? UG! I'll tell you, I was terrified. On top of that I had some health problems and my job, too, was on the line so I feared that same thing: having to depend on my husband and suddenly go from successful career that I LOVED and worked through college for to now a dependent housewife and mommy?? AAAKK???

That was a tough pregnancy for me. I was terrrrrrrified. Off course, DH was just over the moon and excited. (go fig).

Honestly though, the SECOND I saw her and held her I could have cared less about everything else. Oh my gawwwwwd, I just loved my life and my world and we had just entered the war with Iraq and had bomb scares outside my building everyday but I didnt care bc I had her precious photo staring at me and had the most amazing, fun thing to zip home to on the train! In the end, I did leave that career when she turned 1.5 and I became a SAHM and I surprisingly LOVED it.

But like you, I missed my family so much and wished for her to be near that kind of dynamic so bad.

So my husband did make plans and we moved to my family in (the best place on earth) TEXAS. no income taxes, amazing home prices, good neighborhoods and schools and FRIENDLY people etc etc.

Life was just better.

I hope that you can see that this pregnancy is not a death sentence and that what youre feeling NOW is not nec' what you will always feel and where you live now may not be where you'll always live (and so on).

Everything changes, just like the seasons (your belly shows you everyday).

You never know that someday you guys will realize life might be better in texas or florida and DH will seek opportunities out there and you go. Or that you find other things that you love (career, goals, aspirations) parallel to being a parent & it doesnt mean you have to halt your life bc you have a child, but you can STILL be a good mom!

hi

oh, you are not alone :) we live in hawaii (high cost of living and high unemployment!) in all our family is at least a 12 plane ride away! when we had our first daughter 6 years ago- it was amazing, fun, exciting, and yes-- HARD. i kept wondering what was wrong with me and why was it so hard???? then i read in some baby book that the first three years are hard-- it made me feel better, more normal LOL. three years ago, i got surprising pregnant with our second daughter-- and three weeks after she was born, the college I worked at closed and I turned 40! that was a little hard too-- i have always worked since i was 16 years old and it felt a little weird to be dependent on my husband that way. there were more than a few nights when i had trouble sleeping... but in the end, i drew unemployment for a year and then managed to find exactly the teaching job at another college that i wanted.

i just had to keep saying-- it will all work out, somehow-- until i actually believed it. You always have options in life; if you get laid off, you can stay home with baby, or look for a new job, or go back to school, etc. you can stay in CA or move to be closer to family or to follow a great opportunity somewhere else. having kids has taught me that life is a marathon, not a sprint :) talk with your husband and explore what you want and what you don't won't-- and be okay with changing your mind later if life changes too. finding some friends w little ones who i felt comfortable with was very helpful too. i got stressed a lot as a new mom/pregnant lady because it seems liked EVERYONE had an opinion about how I should be living my life! it really upset me for awhile-- but i have met some wonderful mom friends who are just supportive-- we can make different choices and that's okay :) it's funny, but having children has made me more connected to people around me in ways i didn't think possible

you will find your way (i know it's hard to be patient!)-- you will find a way to have a happy family for you and your husband and your baby. it may not happen overnight-- but one foot in front of the other.

and finally, i would talk to your doctor as openly as you can and listen to what he/she says before you say -- yes, meds; or no meds. I have had friends who managed their depression through pregnancy w.o meds and did great and others who managed it w meds and did great too. but be nice to yourself-- being pregnant is crazy :) oy, the hormones! rest, relax, and give your self a break-- you are GROWING A PERSON. good job-- so let the other stuff slide if you need to

good luck

Please know your emotions are at an all time high. And, I don' t think most of us ever feel ready for a baby. I was an older mom (had my son at the age of 38).
I think maybe for those of us that are older and have been out in the world living life a bit longer than others may even find it harder to feel "ready". I was married for 4 years and was 37 and was having doubts that I was ready.
BUT, having a child has been the most wonderful thing in my life. You WILL be a great mom. Things will all work out. I also understand about the no family thing as I was/am in the same situation. I can say, I have made some wonderful friends, though, that are in my similar situation and we are each others "family".
R.

S., What you are feeling is completely normal, especially in the first trimester. I remember being so tired and queasy all the time, I didn't know how I was going to be capable of keeping my job or caring for a baby. Our hormones are all over the place and they seem to trigger worry at this stage.

Talk with your doctor, of course, but be open to the possibility that some of these concerns may decrease as your body moves into the next stage. The second trimester was a wonderful time in my experience. I was ready to take on the world.

I work in Outplacement, counseling people who have been laid-off from their jobs, so am very familiar with the emotional impact that can have. Are you and your husband able to discuss your concerns? Sometimes it helps to sit down and strategize about finances and other things that may be worrying you so you can feel like you have a plan and are more in control. If communicating about these things, sometimes a third-party (counselor) can help you get through these challenges.

There's a book called "Transitions" by William Bridges that may be useful to you. It's useful to understand the emotions we go through when faced with any major life transition.

Sorry to hear of your struggles. My husband is military and we currently live in Hawaii, and I am from TX. We were not planning to get pregnant, but here I am now with a 3 month old!! haha!! I struggled a lot with anxiety/depression before I got pregnant. I was on meds for several yrs. When I found out I was pregnant I decided to get off the meds bc I was nervous about taking them while pregnant. I have heard that there are some that are ok to take while pregnant, but I wanted to try not to. If u decide to not take them what helps me is taking deep breaths until the anxiety feelings go away. Then I just try to relax and focus my attention on something pleasant. I know it sounds easier said that done, but I have full blown panic attacks sometimes and I am still doing my best to avoid taking meds (i am breastfeeding now). If it is too much to handle, however, then I would talk to the doc about taking something, bc its also important to have a happy pregnancy. Just try to stay strong, breathe and know that there are always options to get u through it...and keep telling urself that u are only a plane ride away from family...im across an ocean but it helped me:) God Bless You and your family!!

Is there any way you and your husband could find a job in TXand be nearer your family? I would be depressed just because I couldn't live in TX!

Your feelings are completely normal, so meds won't "cure" them and could definitely harm your baby. Stay away from meds, feel your feelings, know that hormones and a major life changes are contributing to them, and focus on the amazing blessings you already have and will be having in your life! Also...just my opinion, but I think you need to work through your fear of depending on your husband completely. Do him the favor of respecting and trusting him enough to provide for you and your baby and know it is not taking anything away from your ability to take care of yourself and your baby. That's his God-given role and you and your baby will be depending on him for quite a lot--and that's perfectly normal and expected and OK!! The craziest and most stressed out and depressed moms are the ones who try to do everything themselves and be completely self-sufficient and not rely on other people to help them! Just know (especially in the first trimester) that your hormones are going to do crazy things to you--trust me!! Just keep that in perspective. Don't let fear or sadness guide your decisions! You are going to have so many ups and downs as a parent, and you can't turn to a pill to fix things.Try natural remedies and give them a chance to work--they work MUCH better than pharmaceuticals! Save the drugs for major illnesses. If you feel that bad, definitely seek counseling, but not medication. In my opinion, you actually sound like you are in a great situation for becoming first time parents! Congratulations on your pregnancy and stay positive!!

Don't do anti-depressants, this is normal worrying over your impending birth. You have the typical fear and worry that every parent goes through. I also live in California and I just had my first child, a son, and my husband has a stable job as well. We make it work because that is what we want. I am a Holistic Health Practitioner (HHP) and esthetician, I work when I want and get paid when I work and don't get paid when I don't work. You make the sacrifice for what works best for your family. I worried about money as well when I was pregnant, we downsized our apartment, went to a cheaper neighborhood, in a good part of town, watched our spending, and kept a good amount of money in our savings for when I wasn't working. Tax refund was a big help in this area. Take your paycheck and put some money each month into your savings account. That way you have some money to fall back on when you need it. Also don't forget that you also get maternity leave, as well as paid family leave. All these things will help. See if you can work from home, some companies are able to do this for employees that are irreplacable.

I also went for acupuncture during my pregnancy and that helped me so much with my pregnancy, I didn't have food cravings, or aversions, no morning sickness, and it helped with my mood and stress.

You can do this mom, I have complete faith in you. Enjoy this part of your pregnancy you aren't going to get this back, as well as the end result is so worth it. I love being with my son and enjoy him every minute of the day.

Ask your doctor about upping your vitamin D intake. This will help with depression, alot of people that are experiencing depression are low in vitamin D. I do think the acupuncture will help with that as well.

You are 100% normal. Please don't medicate yourself. You don't feel "right" because your life has taken a major fork in the road and it's now vastly different from any life you've known before.

It is exceedingly rare that anyone is "fully prepared" for the birth of their first child. It is no doubt stressful if things aren't just as you want them to be, but it is a good lesson in life with a child. You can make all the plans you want, but the child will undoubtedly throw a wrench into your plans and you'll need to regroup. It's just the way it is. One of the most important skills you can cultivate as a parent is the ability to "go with the flow." With kids, no plan is ever set in stone.

When I was pregnant with my first, my husband lost his job & we had no health insurance. With my second, I lost my job while we were in escrow for our new house and then found out I was pregnant. It sucked, but that's life. We got through it. You will too. (we also live in CA & have no family around) My girls are now 9 & 6 and we managed to keep our "new" house for 7 years, despite my intermittent work schedule.

Just prepare the best you can. Save as much money as possible while you're still working. Make a bunch of meals and freeze them for after the baby is born. Walk, stretch, swim, eat healthy and take your vitamins. Your #1 priority is keeping yourself healthy so your baby will be healthy. Do what you can do, and let go of the rest. There's no sense in making yourself stressed about things you can't change.

Pregnancy is such a mind-blowing, life-changing experience. Revel in it! You are making a brand new human being. Treat yourself like the goddess you are!! It will be over all too soon.

Best of luck to you & hope you enjoy a healthy pregnancy!!

Your solution should not be antidepressants (can't be good for your fetus). Your solution is to move to Texas or Florida. Either have your husband transfer to an office in TX or FL (if such exists) or have him find another job completely in TX or FL. Good luck!

Before getting on antidepressants, ask your doctor about vitamin supplements that you can take to help with your moods. You may need some extra calcium or vit B in your diet. Being pregnant does a number on your body. Also keep up the exercise, try praying or meditating, & maybe some counseling to talk about your fears. Find some meetup groups at meetup.com to find things that you enjoy or people in your same boat.

Good luck & God Bless!

I do not live near my parents, but do live near my inlaws. they have been beyond unhelpful. So, it doesn't matter if they are close. Right now, you are starting a new family. it is what it is. You and your husband will need to lean on each other. i'd steer clear of any meds while pregnant.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! No matter what your situation you would have probably felt the same way... having a baby is freaky! It's normal to feel that way. Definitely talk to your doctor but try exercise, Yoga or Acupuncture to help your stress rather than drugs. You don't know how they will affect the baby. Buy the Baby Bargains book at Baby's R Us and read it to help you see how you can save money on all the baby things you need. Sign up with Babycenter.com. They also have good ideas and advice on all things baby related. If you lose your job, you can get another one or start an at-home business with some other moms. You have lots of options, you just need to do some exploring to see what they are.

Good luck! (PS I moved here from New York City so I think living in LA is cheap...it's all perspective!)

Hi S., awwww, don't worry, it's all good!!

You've come to the right place!

Pregnancy is a hormonal explosion, so even the very MOST stable among us have doubts, fears, worries.

You and your husband sound like you've got it goin' on.

In a couple months it may level out for you.

And yes, there are some meds you can take while pregnant.

But I think you're gonna be ok!

Congratulations to you and your husband, such fantastic news!

(I hope it's a boy!)

:)

Don't take any pills. If you ever saw what they have done in pass years

you wouldn't even think about it. We once went to a conventions of
armless and legless people with drug caused birth defects.
Get religion, get happy, be happy, do something. Why so unhappy.
The Baby will be your whole wonderful world if you let it be.

We were trying to get getting pregnant because it seemed like the right time, we were doing really well financially, just bought a house, etc., and then my husband lost his job. I found out a week later that I was pregnant. I was super stressed and depressed, we didn't have enough money, we didn't have insurance (I am self employed), everything sucked. Anyway, about half way through I finally got over it and just figured it would all work out. Right as my husband's unemployment ran out, he got a job (2 months after the birth of our son), only part time and making nothing, but it adds just enough to help out when I don't make enough during the month. I really regret all of the sadness I experienced during my pregnancy, it was supposed to be a happy time, and I really missed out on that. I would never have taken antidepressants though, I think you just need to work on changing your mindset. You will be fine, you will find another job, and it's actually kind of good timing, if you want to take some time off to spend with your baby when he or she is born. It's hard being dependent on someone, but it is your husband, and sometimes it happens. My husband and I have both had times where one of us is without a job and one person has to carry the other, it is part of marriage.

Also, we don't have family near us, and it is hard. Hard because I could really use the help, and hard because they are missing out a bit on our son growing up. Maybe this is an opportunity to move closer to them? You have to look at the bright side, and deal with what you have. Hope you can get your head around it all and feel better. Oh, one other thing I forgot. During the first trimester everyone feels crappy, and our hormones are all out of whack (as they will be for probably many years), so the way you are feeling is also a part of that, and natural.

Please tell your doctor everything, write it down before. Listen to what he or she suggests first without bringing your or our solutions to the table. Only then ask about meds, vitamins, etc.

There is a thing as depression when you are pregnant. If you need meds there are safe ones that pregnant women have been taking since the sixties. You and your doctor decide if this is your route.

You really need therapy, to talk about all these issues, and I say that in a loving, feel for you sister sort of way!!!!

Get yourself into some pre-natal yoga classes as soon as you can. It will put you in a better mind space & give you a room full of other expecting Mamas to lean on. My daughter is 3 and I am still really good friends with a few of the Mamas from my classes. It's an incredible journey. Nice to be on it with some other women.

Personally, I would not do anti-depressants as you can never truly know whether they will negatively impact your baby. They used to say Paxil was okay, but now say it may be linked to club feet, etc. It's always like that... the "safe" drugs get a bad report card somewhere down the line when enough fetuses have been damaged. I would not want to be part of that experiment.

As to your job coming to an end. That may be a great big blessing in disguise. Perhaps you will be eligible for unemployment to take the edge off of your finances for a while? Either way, there is a very big chance that you will not want to go back to work after you child is born. I didn't. Many mothers on this site have not... It's an incredible bond, the mother-child relationship and you will not truly know what that means until after your child is born.

Enjoy your pregnancy! If you are committed to carrying this child then commit to enjoying yourself too. It is an amazing journey.