Advice & Support

Hi. I don't really have any advice. I'm sorry to hear that your are going thourgh all this stuff. But I'm more than willing to just be someone you can talk to. I have always been told I'm a good listener, even by people I don't know. Well if you want to talk I'll listen.

Have you told him how you feel about it? I mean the job part. And how everything you have gone thru in the past years are wearing you down and you need some finacial help from him. Something solid. Ask him where he sees himself in 5 or 10 years. Stuck in a rut with his job or in a better job, with benifits. He can do it if he puts his mind to it. My husband was in the same kind of rut and now he is a carpenter for a time share resort, with benifits, health insurance, vacation, 401K, year round, rain or shine. Believe me my husband was lazy. Now he loves he job and likes goiing to work. You might want to tell your husband to find a better job or another wife that is willing to take care of him. Also sometimes you have to put the bug in his ear about a job opening or call yourself. Good luck you will need it!

Do you have any outside family support? Sounds like maybe you dont. But even if you dont, i feel that you havent looked into your resources enough. Keep making phone calls regarding state assistance or any kind of assistance available. I often look at the fact that my father left my mother with four very young children, she never worked, and had very little, if any, family support. And she made it. We all made it. If you are really serious about ending this relationship, its not gonna be easy at all, but its not impossible. My mom always told me, its not easy with the men, but its harder without them. And im not telling you to stay with him for the convenience of it all. Im telling you becuz you have to prepare yourself for a difficult beginning. But in the end, it is possible to leave him, support your kids, and move on with your life. Get the girls to help you, work two jobs, or get a job working at home. Go to social services again, and again. Get online and do some research, find out what other mothers have done that have been a success. I feel for you, i really do. But i know from my life experiences that doing the right thing is often the hardest thing to do. You just have to be determined enough.

Holy smokes, strong woman are you. There are so many things to touch on...

The first I'll touch is your net pay: how many exemptions are you claiming? You may want to look at that, I'm no tax-advisor, but you have 3 girls, a husband who's not working (makes you head of household), etc...if you're getting money back at the end of the year--CHANGE your exemptions.

I'm not going to touch the husband-I'm divorced, too, and over the years have learned that I have less than average tolerance so am not one to advise on that subject. All the changes are wreaking havoc on your life, though-that brings to mind 2 things: 1. don't make any changes in the near future to allow yourself adjustment time or 2. (the contradiction) get rid of what is most negative in your life that you do have control over and watch things start looking up. When we're not drowning in negativity we create more emotional room for the positivity/productivity/happiness in our lives.

I don't know where at start. I tink that everyone lies at least once in there life. some lie all the time.MY husband lies all the time. I hate it. You should sit down with him and talk to him about working and the importance. If there is no job then there is no money and if there is no money there is no house and so on. Men need a altimadem. It always works for me. I feel the same way about my husband too. Sometimes i don't like him either. But, we took a vow with god. Congrats on the up coming birth of your granddaughter. I have 3 kids and i am only 22.Just make sure she is aware that post pardum depression is common in young mothers. I know from experence. I wish you the best of luck with everything.

L. R

Hey hon..My name is Jenn/J. and Im 30 Ive been through my share of aches and pains for the past three years, Ive even tried getting my "lazy" man out the house...but he refuses to leave no matter what I say or do...Anytime you feel like chatting and "letting it all out" you can always email/IM me at any of the following: at yahoo--va2ca04...at msn--jenielynn...or even at aol(aim)--veryunique1977...anytime..If Im unavailable to chat at moment I will get back with you asap..I have a 2 year old, 6month old, and of course my lazy no job man..:)smile keep your head up..

Dear C.,

One thing I've learned over the years as a mom is I cannot do this on my own. We need to elicit the help of others, in all ways.

At a time when I felt at the end of my rope, I sought out counselling. It did me a world of good to have a listening ear. Check if your health insurance pays for counselling. Or go to a local clinic that might offer something like that.

Second, you most likely don't hate your husband. You're very mad at him and disappointed. But you also see his redeeming qualities (that he is proud of his step-daughters). You've got a lot on your plate now, with a new grandchild on the way and a lot of confusion through your unstable living situation.

Finally, be kind to yourself. Write down your feelings. You may even wish to keep a journal to record your thoughts as you go through this difficult time. There is much joy on the horizon for you (with your new grandbaby).

Sending you rainbows from afar,
C.

Is it possible that your husband might be going through a depression stage? You might want to discuss this with your doctor. There was a point last year that my fiance and I were at each other's throats quite a bit. Turns out he was stressed by work, which caused his psoriasis to outbreak badly, he slept alot, and was VERY cranky. After seeing the doctor, he switched shifts, and life is now grand. You are saying that this has been going on for 2 years, and that you have been through quite a bit of stressful things in your lives. Men can get depressed, and they don't show or share their feelings like we do. Don't give up, you wouldn't have married him if he was that terrible of a person. Maybe he needs support, but doesn't know how to ask because that will show male weakness. Give it a try and call your doctor. Good luck.

hey there i'm in petersburg area. i am in a similiar boat i guess i could say. my husband works and works hard a great dad and good provider however crappy husband. i don't really know where to go with my situation either. i put my daughter first and i guess that's all we can do is do what is best for our kids not saying to stay in the situation or anything, i love my husband we have been together for 9.5 years and married for 7 we are trying to work out living arrangements. if you need someone to talk to give me a call and give each other advise. -J. ###-###-####

My name is T. I'm also married with two boys and a stepchild. I think he needs to get a real job. So that way you can get back and fourth to work. You is not wrong for feeling that way. He's going to make you marry tear apart.I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Wow! You are only 5 years older then me and going through so much. You need to remember that you and your children come first. It's hard to offer advise with out knowing the whole big picture, and I don't want to misguide you, but I would suggest that you maybe try to find someone professional to talk to. Maybe you could call your county health department and ask if there are any free programs to support struggling mothers. My mother used to work at the health dept. and you'd be surprised, they actually do offer programs that are free to the public. I wish you all the best. Remember to be resourceful with your efforts and explore every avenue to better your life.

C.: What would you say if it was one of your daughters in this situation? Personally, I would separate and divorce because it sounds like you are at rock bottom now. It will be hard and yes you have been through ALOT together, but I question his values. I personally would not put up with my husband not supporting our family and you are worth so much more. I am sure that there are two sides to every story...but if you "hate" him, then you know its over.

C.,

I hate to say that I know where you are coming from, but unfortunately I know all too well what you are going through. I too am married and have three teens. I have been married to the same man for almost 22 yrs. He was a hard working guy, always had a job and worked hard at it, up until about 6yrs ago when he just up and quit his "real" job to work for himself. I had been supporting all five of us for the past 5yrs, up until just recently when after 5yrs of my husband "working for himself" as.....surprise!! a contractor/home repair man I finally gave him the ultimatum of either getting a "real" job and helping me support the family, pay the bills and what not or I was packing the kids up and moving out. I told him I didn't even care if it was a job making minimum wage at the local gas station, at least it was another steady income. I do not get paid much at my job, though for the past 5yrs I have been doing "OK" handling the bills and all. I too make too much to get any kind of support from the state, though I was too pridefull to go ask. I honestly think my husbands main problem was a form of depression or mid life crisis. I am just a few years older than you are and my husband is a few years older than I. We have been through the ringer several times over in our years of marriage and are still going through a tough time with our 15yr old daughter who is giving us major fits at school. I too thought I would lose my mind if things didn't change soon. I had given him the ultimatum a few times but the last time I think it finally registered that I was serious. I'm not sure what finally woke him up to the fact that I was at the end of my ropes with the whole issue and that I wasn't going to be able to handle it much longer myself. I just hope that your husband will wake up soon and realize what he's putting not only you through but your daughters as well. Maybe suggesting a physical exam at his doctors office would help. There may be something physically wrong with him that has him in this type of behavior. The doctor can also recognize the signs of depression if your husband is honest with him/her when he talks with the dr. If at all possible go with him and talk with his dr as well. It may help you in the long run if the doctor knows what your husbands additude and behavior has been like over the past few years. I know with my husband, he was very short tempered with the kids, anger with me over silly things and slept a lot more than usual. He finally got a job last November and we are struggling to pull ourselves out of the financial constraints we've gotten into since he stopped working back in 2001 at his last "real" job. I, too, felt like I hated my husband. It is a normal feeling I would think, when you are the only one supporting the family and having to do the housework as well. My husband wouldn't help around the house while he was at home. Just ordered the kids to clean the house, do the laundry, wash the dishes while he sat at his computer and did nothing to help. He wouldn't even cook or start dinner while I was working. I'd have to come home after working 9 or 10 hours and have to cook dinner and clean up after him. So I think I know how you are feeling on that one too. I would also suggest that maybe some family counseling might help you. If he wont go with you, then go by yourself. There are a few family couselors out there that either do it pro bono or on a sliding fee scale. I really think it might help you if you could talk with someone professionally. I know speaking with others that have been through a similar situation is helpful, but it doesn't help with the hurt and anger that I know you are feeling. I have had several people suggest to me to go for counseling, but of course my pride has stepped in the way. I am one for holding my feelings in tightly and not expressing them except for in words such as I am now.

I can only offer prayers and an ear to listen to if you'd like to write me personally.

God bless you and I hope things work out for you.

D.

Hi C.. Your happiness matters the most. And your children's happiness matters just as much. I came from a unhealthy family enviroment. My Mother stayed married to my father for me. I turned out ok. But my childhood was not a happy one. Maybe you guys should go to a marriage counselor. But don't stay in an unhappy marriage for your children. Trust me. I'm really sorry that you are going through some hard times. My thoughts are with you.
K.