Okay, this is for all the Moms that have a backbone with their in-laws, I need some good advice! About 8 years ago, my husband's sister and family moved in with us to "better" themselves. They both worked and helped out with grocries, house work, etc. The problem is my sis-in-law started kinda, "taking over" my duties, saying she was "helping", then she would tell the others, Mom, Dad, sisters, that I was not a good house keeper, so she was back stabbing me big time! My other sis-in-law told me about what she was saying, and to say the least I was burning, and I was very hurt. She is a very bossy, controlling person, I am a very quiet, do not like to state my feelings and ruffle feathers kind of person. Well, we ended up getting in a big argument, and said some very nasty things to each other, then they moved out. We ended up making things "okay", atleast she acts like it to my face, so we are fine now. We ended up moving 4 years ago, due to my husband's job. Well, his brother has not worked in a long time, his wife works, and he kinda asked my husband if he needs it, can he move in with us. Of course, he said, no problem, not even talking it over with me. Now, I don't know if it will be just him, or the whole family, they have kids, and I love them, but is that just asking for it again? I don't want to burn bridges with them, I don't want it to happen again. I am all for helping someone who needs it, I am not a selfish person, I am just iffy, about this whole situation. I really need some good advice!
Well Kim I'd tell my husband that the wounds have never healed frome before, and that you are not comfortable with that situation. Can't they go live with another relative?
You've been there and one that. Don't take the same trip again. Sufggest you guy's will help financially if you can, bu that is it
Just say no! They are adults, this is thier mess, not yours and your family's. They have the power to fix it, you would just be enabeling them. If your husband insits on helping them, maybe he could connect them with the housing authority or public aid. Maybe a job recomendation, anything but letting them invade you.
as far as i see it i'd tell your husband no and that its his responsibility to tell them he didn't treat you as a partner and discuss w/you first. You shouldn't be the bad guy here. oye, i wouldn't do it.
Kim,
The way I see it, you have two separate issues at hand:
1) Your husband said yes to his brother without talking to you about it first. Not to mention that you were already generous to his sister and got stabbed in the back for it. That wasn't very respectful of you for him to do it and I think it should be addressed.
2) You shouldn't have to open up your home to anyone if you don't want to. And, you have every right to say "No".
My younger brother lived with us for a year. He was 24 and trying to save to pay for a wedding and buy a place of his own with his fiance. He could have rented, but felt it was such a waste. He wanted to leave home because his dad (my step-dad) got remarried to an absolute b*tch. Seriously. When he asked me if it was ok, I told him I had to talk to my husband about it. We came up with some ground rules and it all worked out great. Actually, I feel it brought me closer to my baby brother and I kinda missed him when he left.
I think there are ways to help people without having them invade your family-life. I'm not sure how old your brother-in-law is or what the situation is or why he hasn't been working...but maybe he should have to take some responsibility on his own instead of turning to your husband.
I'm all for being there for family and helping out when I can but there comes a point when it's time to say "enough is enough".
I think you should talk to your husband and just tell him that you are not comfortable with the idea of anyone else living with you at this point. It was a train-wreck before and you don't want to take that chance again.
Then, I think you should discuss why he felt it was ok to say yes without talking to you about it.
Good luck and keep us posted.
T.
You are tortured about this and it's a difficult issue. Explain all of your feelings to your husband and try to get him to see your side. Explain that your priorities are to your marriage and immediate family and having extended family in the house makes it stressful and not a good situation for you. If it were me I'd just boss my husband around til he saw it my way, but you sound nicer. hehe :) The problem is you don't want to be nice, you want what you want, you just are afraid to say so. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and what makes you happy! We are too old to be going through stuff like this! Good luck.
Kim,
I've had similar problems with two brother in laws, although they are not married - but if they were it would also include their spouses / children.
Tell your husband - absolutely not, and explain to him that you do not want him telling them they can move in EVER, not even for a weekend. Explain that you love them and they are welcome to visit anytime, but nothing overnight for even one night - and be firm. I had to do this, my hubby didn't like it at first but he eventually understood. I finally had to tell him to stop asking me (they would keep asking every few months thinking I'd soften and give in) They would ask to stay for a weekend and then try to make it more permanent - this had worked with my husband and his brothers when he was single, he has basically been allowing them to sponge off of him his entire adult life.
Your husband needs to learn (as did mine) who his family is - his family is you and your children, not his brother's family. The fact that his brother has not worked in a long time and then expects to move in with you is just ridiculous - is he disabled or something? I am sorry but sounds like both guys have some serious growing up to do (same thing wih my hubby and his brothers) they won't stay mad forever, don't worry about what they 'think' about you - stand up for your family and your home that you and your husband work hard for.
When my down & out brother in laws come to visit, I pack them a big bag of sandwiches (maybe a casserole or two) etc. and let them know I care about them. We have an agreement that my husband can lend them $100 without asking me, but no more than that and that's the extent of our genorosity. .
good luck,
W.
I've been in your situation twice. My sister lived with us for a year and a half, part of which was during my pregnancy and the first 6 months of my son's life. It was not a good living situation for many reasons, and we ended up asking her to move out. I'm very close to my sister, and this strained our relationship for a long time. We've mended now, but it took a long time. Then a year after she moved out, my husband's sister moved in with her then 4 yr old daughter, and that was a nightmare. We set the ground rules early on in the hopes that the drama that went on with my sister wouldn't happen again, and she couldn't even do the bare minimum which was picking up after themselves. So we have been burned twice, and we are NEVER doing it again. If I in your position, I would not let them stay with you again. It was not a good situation the first time; now you've learned from the experience and know that it will likely be a nightmare again. Good luck, and I hope your husband apologizes for making such a huge decision without consulting you.
You are right to be iffy. You've already been burned once. How nasty are people. You try to do something nice and they bite you in the a.....Im really sorry you had to go through it. If it happens..Set ground rules at the beginning. Make a list of household chores for all adults in the home so everyone knows what they're responsible for. It sounds like you'll be treating them like children, however it is the only way to avoid resentment as well as giving everyone a way to "see" that all adultsare doing their share. Explin what happened last time, and say that you are doing this to avoid historical repeats. Ask for input on how to avoid problems and what kind of rules or schedule additions they would like instated in the home. Personal space etc..has to be respected by every adult in a home in order to teach children about such rules. Treat it like college roomates (w/out the partying) and come up with creative ways to organize bathroom time, who's cooking tonight, garbage duty, date night, babysitting, which couple gets the couch for a late night cuddle session. If you make it fun, you can get everyone involved. But, if they do need help talk to them before agreeing to have them live in your home.
I feel you, I'm going thru the same situation with my husband and his family. I got so tired, I'm moving this weekend. I would tell my husband how can you make a important decison like that with out asking you if it's ok. Has you husband thought you may not want any more people living with you? This will change you whole way of living if they move in. I would just let him know how you feel before the brother move in. Set up a guide line as to how long is he going to be staying, bill etc before he move in. Let him know this is not a free ride, you have to pay your way. Make him sign a contract of what you all expect of him. Then that time comes he must leave.
If it were me, I'd tell my husband, "absolutely not." I would do everything in my power to not have those relatives move in my house.
At the very least, you need to talk to your husband and find out what's really going on. Not knowing will drive you insane.
Good luck!
My mom lived with her critical mother-in-law for 8 YEARS right after their wedding. Or rather, the mother-in-law moved in with HER. It was a living hell for her.
By now I'd assume your husband has talked this over with you and sees your side of the story.
Supposing he made up a bit of a fib, so as not to burn your bridges, about how now is a rough time in your financial etc. situation and you're just not in the same position you were the last time, to help them?
Or like the other people who've responded have said, you can just say "you can stay for this period of time and then you absolutely must leave." and if i were you, to make sure they actually do leave in time, have other guests come in and stay for a couple of days immediately after your family's supposed to move. then they'll have to be out.
