Advice - Columbia,SC

Updated on October 29, 2006
N.D. asks from Columbia, SC
12 answers

I am in desparate need of info on how to control a five year old at school. My daughter is a wonderful child, but she drives her teachers nuts! She talks during instruction time, doesn't listen, runs when she should be walking, and on and on. I have tried time outs, restrictions, taking away priviliges, even a pop on the bottom. Nothing seems to work. Help!!!!!!!!

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So What Happened?

Hello everybody! I just want to say thank you in advance for all the advice offered. I have been trying some of the things suggested, and will implement others. I feel better knowing it's not just my child. You never want to feel like you have a bad child, but I've been very worried. Thank you again and I will keep everyone posted on her progress.

Have a blessed evening,

N.

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K.P.

answers from Norfolk on

N.,

I've got a five year old who is having trouble in kindergarten too. We just met with the school counselor and her teacher the other day. We decided to try a sticker/reward system with her. Basically it goes like this: We sat my little girl down and explained that when she successfully completes an activity without causing problems and completes the activity, she gets a star sticker on an index card. The teacher makes a note at the end of the day as to how many opportunities there were for her to succeed. So, if they did 5 activities, and she did 3 without causing a disruption, she gets praise from me at home, and a certain reward for positive behavior. Make it something she enjoys - a trip to the playground, she gets to watch a video, etc. If she gets less than half, she does not get to do the reward - and you explain very matter-of-fact that if she had been cooperative at school, she would have gotten to do her thing. Not punishment, but just letting her know how it is, and the reinforcement that positive behavior at school results in positive rewards at home.

We are up to about 3 out of 5 for us - expect that she will be a little cranky until she sort of gets with the program.

Good luck!

K.

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S.E.

answers from Norfolk on

Honestly, as much as society wants to scream ADD or ADHD - the majority of this is normal 5 year old behavior. Yes there are some children who do have ADD and ADHD, but the average 5 year old child simply isn't hard wired to sit still or be quiet for long periods of time. They are still young children who are learning impulse control, rules and are by nature curious explorers. Remember when K used to be fun? When it was actually age appropriate? When 5 yo at K got to run around the playground, learn their ABCs, paint, play with blocks, learn there numbers, took naps, had story time and show and tell? Now that's all done in 2 & 3 yo day care and by K kids are expected to read, add, subtract and 'sit down and shut up' for 6 hours a day without proper breaks they have 25 min of silent/whispering lunch, 15 min on the playground and some schools are even forbidding tag (Mass. recently) while others are forbidding recess. When the child gets home it's homework, dinner, bath & bed. In Kindergarten!!! When does a child get to be a child anymore? And what is the end result? Classrooms full of medicated children who aren't any further ahead than they were unmedicated and teachers (I am one so no flames, just a generalization) and society who immediately suggest that any child not able to conform at FIVE must be evaluated.

What needs to be evaluated is her routine, her boredom level and the discipline in the classroom. Is the class on a daily routine? Do the kids know what to reasonably expect next? Is there breaks for movement? Is there a set of rules and consequences that are enforced in the classroom? If she's "driving the teacher nuts", what is the teacher doing about it? A lot of classrooms now have a red yellow green system or some other visual way for children to monitor their own behaviour. For the majority of children this works rather well. If she's talking out of turn during instruction time, is she talking simply to talk yo her neighbor or is she asking a question? You can't treat both of those actions the same. If she's asking a question is she following the classroom rules of raising her hand and waiting her turn? Are these rules posted, and reminded of? What is she not listening to? The instructions she's talking over? Or safety reminders like no running in the hall or stay in line? Is her good behaviour praised? If it's gotten to the point where her good behaviour isn't noticed she may be feeling the only way to get noticed is to misbehave.

How long has her teacher been teaching? We all come out of school full of idealism and our first few years are the hardest. The teacher may be trying to find her groove. Conference with her teacher and tell her what works at home to help your daughter pay attention and follow rules. Find out what form of discipline is used at school. It HAS to be a team effort from school to home and home to school.

Try playing games at home that reinforce listening and rule following. Play follow the leader simon says,red light green light and mother may I, taking turns being the leader to reinforce impulse control and listening skills, play memory with a deck of cards (or the game) to reinforce her concetration. If she's had a rotten day at school, address it and then ask her to find something good that happened that day (yes, quite the Pollyanna approach, but there generally is something good that happens each day). Also take a look at the diet. Make sure things are balanced and there's plenty of good filling food that's not high in sugar in the am, limit refined sugar and caffiene, especially before bed, 'eat your rainbow' as the saying goes to make sure that there is plenty of good veggies and variety and make sure she gets at least 8 hours of sleep each night.

If after trying everything you can possibly think of for a good ling while (2 mo or so) and there hasn't been any life altering changes that could cause behaviour changes like a move, a divorce, new work schedule, death in the family, etc. Then start talking to your ped about the possibility of testing. It should be a long process of evaluations, we are normally given a several page questionaire about the kids and so are the parents as well as any other adult who sees the child frequently, a tutor, coach or day care provider. Once all the evaluations are in and looked over there are generally meetings, and re-evaluations once a diagnosis has been reached. Then if it ends up medication is needed there are trail periods with doses. Medication is never an easy or quick fix and before that route is taken one needs to make sure it's the correct route to take.

For anyone who's interested my oldest daughter is ADD but it's diet controled, she's still squirley and talkative but as she's gotten older she's learned more self control. My middle most likely is not and my youngest appears to be a poster child for ADHD, but they are both young yet and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I just don't think every child who can't sit still needs to be diagnosed with a medical problem for age appropriate behaviour.

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J.K.

answers from Charlotte on

talk to her and explain the effct that it's having on mommy and how it makes mommy feel when she misbehaves. then tell her the correct way she is going to handle the situation. like this amanda is going to stop running when she is told to walk, amanda is going to do her work in school and be a good girl for mommy.have her stand in front of you and repeat what you say to her even what the consequences are if she doesn't do these things.after that let her sit alone for a few minutes and think about it.sometimes a popping first helps especially if she did something.this has worked for me even on a three and four year old.

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A.W.

answers from Huntsville on

You know it could be ADHD, but I thought my child had it when she didn't. I was giving her medication that she didn't need. However when she started school she did perfectly so I don't know. Just talk to her teacher about that. Now at home you can talk to her and tell her what is expected and that if she doesn't do it then she gets punished. Maybe you could put a picture of something she wants on her door and tell her if she is good in school all week she will get it. Double check with her teacher about how she did that week and if she did good and did what the teacher said then go buy her that present and if she didn't do what the teacher said then tell her she doesn't get it because she didn't do what she was told. I know a lot of people might disagree with me on this but hey bribing works sometimes. And she might start being better in school cause she knows shes getting rewarded. Reward her like you would if she brought home straight A's. Also playing school at home and teaching her how to behave at home might help also. School tapes from Barney or any other tapes that is about school could help also because she will see how she is suppossed to act in school. A lot of moms don't want their kids watching tv but kids respond to it and it works. Well, I hope things go well. Let us know how it goes.

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E.I.

answers from Dothan on

N.,

Hi! I went through this with my son. I think you may have an ADHD child. I would go through the following steps:

1) Talk to your childs teacher. See what her take is on the situation and have her write a short letter to the pediatrician on what she is seeing.

2) Talk to your pediatrician. Make sure everything is fine physically. Make sure that your child does not have an allergy to anything they consume on a regular basis. (Some children react different foods they eat everyday in a hyper manner.) If everything checks out okay, have the pediatrician refer you to a psychologist.

3) See the psychologist and just have them do an evaluation, probably leaning in the ADHD or a hyper activity direction. The Kiddie test is one of the many tests they will do, after you fill out many, many questionaires! lol Get the results and make your decision on what to do carefully. They will give you plenty of options, usually!

4) Whatever the outcome, keep to a schedule. Limit the sugar. Try to stick with healthy, non-processed foods. Fresh veggies and fruits as well as lean meats. Nothing extreme, just well-balanced. And keep an early bedtime. These are all things my ADHD / OCD child as well as my other non ADHD / OCD child are miserable without!

Just remember, all the doctors appointments, tests, etc are all worth it. I know you are miserable trying to get her to settle down, but just think how miserable she is not being able to focus.

Good luck! Please e-mail me with any questions! Take care!
~Lee

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A.C.

answers from Greensboro on

She needs consistent rules and follow through. Tell her what the rules are beforehand. Give her two chances and no more. Then carry out with the punishment even when you feel guilty. It is very important to keep up on this and not cave. it may take months before you start to see a change in her behavior. bring on your patience.
But probably the most important thing to do, is when you see her doing something good, praise her. Kids want to please their parents at this age. My daughter is 6yrs old and it has worked wonders for her. She helps me clean up around the house. She listens to her teacher at school. She's well-behaved.
good luck!

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S.

answers from Spartanburg on

well it depends on what her teacher is also doing at school. I know with my 5 year old she had some trouble staying in her seat and we would talk to her at home, but she was also receiving reinforcement at school. They have one warning stick, and then they have 3 sticks they can lose depending on how many sticks they lose they have to run laps during recess. I believe one stick is 5 laps, 2 is 10 and 3 is 15, so basically they are being active, but they are not getting to enjoy recess because they have to run, when they are done they can join in with their friends and play. It has worked terrifically and now she asks to get out of her seat before moving if she needs a crayon or to go to the potty or whatever. It took several weeks, but with the teacher being consistent and with us reinforcing and being consistent at home, ie not letting her get up from the dinner table until she was done, making her sit and do her homework and not get up without permission. So maybe see if her teacher would be willing to do something like that at school.

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C.R.

answers from Spartanburg on

Hi N.:
I have been thru the same thing except I had a boy.
I went thru it with my son. And it got even worse as he got older. Constantly, i was getting letters from teachers that he would not do or complete his class work, did not turn in home work, capable of doing better. But, all of the teachers were telling me the same thing "OH, IT'S JUST A BOY THING AND HE WILL GROW OUT OF IT". I was so sick of hearing that. But the straw that broke the camel's back was when i got his PACT scores from the end of year school testing. He scored below basic until the 7th grade. I had done all i could do. I started
doing some research on the internet and then went to our family doctor with what i had found. ADHD. You may not want to hear this, but it is true. He tested positive with our family doctor and I went a step further and had him test by a Psychiatrist & Psycologist (sorry for typos/spelling). Again
he tested positive for ADHD. They put him on medicine and it was trial and error until we found the right medicine and dosage for him, but you can tell a major difference in him.
He is now 14 (in 2 weeks) and for the first time when i received his PACT scores for last school years testing he was
basic & above basic.
Just a suggestion. Because I know some people don't agree with putting kids on medicine. But if your daughter is ADHD, absoulety nothing will work. I can't tell you how many times I took things away from my son, gave him spankings, took away privileges. And then when he was tested I felt so bad that I didn't start my own research sooner. The teachers never even mention the fact that he might be ADHD. But I promise you he is a totally different child. He is now a B/C student, some A's. But much better behaved. And he is not spaced out, he is
just like the well mannered child I worked so hard to raise.
Hope this helps.
GOOD LUCK!
C.
p.s. I live in Spartanburg

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J.C.

answers from Richmond on

my cousin was like that, and alot of it had to do with his dad not being around or in and out and making it look like moms fault that kind of thing. also he was really smart and was borred. He would finish his work for the week in one night and then get into trouble at school because he was bored. I don't know if any of this is similar but he is 6 now and doing alot better in school, my cousin said she got his last progress report and he had all satisfactories in everything... so it may just be a phase for her to get use to what ever might be going on in her life or just being bored... hope that helps.

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J.T.

answers from Tuscaloosa on

how is your daughters grades in school? maybe she dont understand what is going on. or has a learning disabilty. my 11 year old daughter use to do that when she was the same age. till i find out she had a learning disabilty and was ADHD and ODD. she is now on medication for it and is doing good sometimes.

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C.B.

answers from Norfolk on

Hey N. D

My name is C., I'm 23 years old certified medical assistant and I have a 4 year old and I'm currently with child(3 months).

I suggest that if your daily schedule allows you to, take a couple of hours out of your evenings and weekends to play school with your five year old. This will allow the child to see how they are expected to act in school. Have little exercises rather it be homework or work you have made up. Yes I know this sounds a bit time consuming but it's worth a try.

If all else fails and your daughter is still very active in school, take her to a doctor and ask about a medication that allows your daughter to pay closer attention in school and not be as active. I know how it shoulds and I maybe wouldn't do this for my own child but if you are ok with it, this is an option.

I hope I was able to give you some good advice and I apologize if in this response I affended you in any way.

Good Luck and God Bless

C. and Family

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D.B.

answers from Hickory on

Hi,
Have you had your daughter tested for ADD, attention deficent disorder? This is a commom problem with kids that cannot focus and need to move around and are disruptive in class. You may need to talk to her pediatrician at your next visit. If she does have this, like a multitude of kids do, there is medication to help her.
Good luck.

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