Adult Friends & Their Kids

Once he starts school full time he's going to start pulling away from pre-Kindergarten friends unless they're in his class with him. I've seen it again and again.

Spending time with them will always be fun but not every day or even several days of the week. By the time they're in 3rd grade I'd expect to see the kids completely spending time with school friends.

Well, my parents had some friends with kids who severely bullied two of us (we were tweens at the time), and my parents didn't care to do anything about it because they didn't want to lose their drinking buddies I guess. To this day my mom is still "friends" on FB with one of the bullies-in-chief. :(

Not saying that's you whatsoever FB; in fact, I'm impressed that you're sensitive to the issue. I'm just pointing out that it's not always a good idea to force things.

Like anything in life, trust your instincts and aim for balance. You'll be fine.

Your mom had it right. Good script for any parent of young kids to use.

Be sure that your son has times when he is with just dad and you get time as an adult going out with your adult friend(s) without any kids along at all. Once he is in preschool and then school, that becomes easier, if you have some friends who are also around during the day while kids are in school.

I think most kids start to have preferences, or to want to avoid certain other kids, around your son's age.

The situation of going to someone else's home is different from getting along with kids on the playground, at the library story time, at the museum kiddie event....At those places, you or dad or some adult is around, and those kids will mostly be stranger kids he's seeing for a very limited time. The kids are all busily focused on the playground, the story, the craft, etc. It's tougher when you are in someone's home, or they come to yours, and the kids are told to play together but don't have some external focus like a craft or story or arranged activity as they have at these other places.

If your son really feels he doesn't like to go play with a certain kid who is a friend's child, and there is no other way to see your adult friend without the kids along, be sure to have something specific for them to do, and don't say "Go play" since that's very open-ended and a recipe for trouble. It really is OK then if they don't play together but one kid goes off to look at books while the other does Legos in another room, or give each kid his own bucket of Legos in different rooms without making a big deal of it. It's not socially unacceptable to just let them play apart or to bring a specific, engaging thing with your for them to do (again, together or apart).

I would try to listen and honor it when your son eventually says he's not keen on playing with little Jimmy. Tell him what your mom told you - we do have to interact nicely with people who aren't our close friends -- but also take care not to make your own time with friends into too many enforced play dates if the kids don't click. I've seen moms do that and the result is the adults get no time to talk anyway, because they are busy shushing or controlling the kids.

Your mom handled it correctly. As we go through life, we are going to have to learn how to kindly and graciously deal with people we just don't like. These are life lessons to which we must expose our children.

I remember fighting with my cousin, and the next day we'd be the best of friends. Some days we really didn't like one another. We survived.

Happened at about 3 or 4 with a couple of friends kids. Happened later with other kids.

I really like your mothers response, I agree completely with her attitude on the situation!

M

We meet people frequently we don't really like, yes? I'm trying hard to help my kids appreciate everyone they meet. I handle it like your mom did. I just make it clear what our values are, kindness, acceptance, etc. And I also remind them that sometimes we may think we don't like someone but they end up being our best friend. Luckily both older kids have friends they didn't use to like.

Now, if the kids couldn't play nice, it would be a different story, but I think it's an important life lesson to get along well with others you don't really enjoy.

To me, moms and kids hanging out at someone's house usually results in a low-quality kind of visit. Loud, interruptions, etc. It's not enjoyable and not how I choose to spend my time.

I prefer to make the time to arrange adults-only visits. Like meeting a friend for lunch (much easier after the kids are school aged) or planning a girls night. I did recently have an out of town friend drop in on her way through with her two kids. My husband was home and kept them amused, so there was minimal mom-duty needed during that time.

The only time I've hired a baby sitter is if my husband and I are both going to be out. Otherwise the kids are with their dad. Likewise, when their dad does things with his friends, the kids are with me.

Meetups with friends AND kids are generally for parties, events, or sometimes at a park or pool. My kids' normal social life and mine are separate things.

I don't know about you, but the main way I 'get along' with difficult people is by choosing to not be around them. I don't want my kids to learn to keep their head down and cope, I want them to make the good choice to not put themselves in the situation if they have the option. My wants don't trump their needs. I don't know how someone could enjoy themselves on a visit knowing their kids were unhappy to be there. There are lots of better ways to learn to be polite, patient and get along.

Yes, your mom had it right. It's an important skill to learn how to cooperate with folks we don't like. If the kids get older and really can't get along, plan your time with your friend when hubby is home to be Daddy.

It depends on the kid. DD has a friend who has been her best friend since they were infants. But when SS was about 12, he told us he didn't like a friend's son anymore.

I like how your mom handled it. In our case we also tried to get together with the adults sans kids.

Hmmm, hasn't happened to us, fortunately.

But I do think if my kids had enough nerve to tell me they didn't want to go to someone's house, then I would likely set up other times for me to hang out with my friend. I wouldn't force my kids to play with others they didn't like so I had a good time.