Adoption??? - Spring,TX

I would think if it this way... if God truly doesn't want you to have more kids, I don't think an adoption agency is going to overrule Him! If He doesn't want you having more, he'll be sure you don't get a placement through an agency! Perhaps it is His plan specifically for you to adopt a special child he has already decided upon. As far as your race issue, obviously I have no idea what race you and your first child is, but I am sure you know it is VERY difficult to adopt a healthy caucasian baby, especially since you already have one. My adoptive father is a Pacific Islander and honestly race has never been any kind of issue in my family. I guess that is a highly personal decision though, and no one here can tell how your husband would ultimately handle it. I believe most agencies also have an age rule which you are bordering on. I don't speak from personal experience, but from that of a dear friend. They ended up adopting a wonderful 6 month old boy from Vietnam.

Would you ever consider fostering? Perhaps if the right child came through, your husband may bond and you could adopt him or her. Just a thought. Either way, I suggest asking him to meet with an agency or two. He wouldn't have to commit... just talk. I can't imagine he'd deny you that.

P.,
I can certainly understand your dilemma here. My only advice here is to be sure that whatever happens - make sure that you are BOTH comfortable with that decision. You don't want to force anything upon him. I will also say that although we decided to have a second child - it was not an easy decision for me. There is nothing wrong with having only one child. Let your hearts make the decision that is best for your family. I would like to dispell the myth that the agency won't disclose all of the information IF you go through a reputable agency. Edna Gladney does wondeful work here locally and to be honest with you - I think it is much harder for a birthmother to not know if her child is going to a good home...the girls are screened and scrutinized by the good agencies. Good luck in your quest - trust in your love with your husband and your family and you will make the right choice.

Hi, P....

I completely understand your "misgivings" about adoption. One thing I noticed, though, was that you say you would like to adopt a child "of the same race" as your biological child, but then you go on to say that "all children need homes". Perhaps you and your husband can get some SOLID counseling to really dig deep into your emotions and their bases on "why" you want/don't want an adopted child/same sex or opposite sex of your son/the racial preference of an adopted child, etc.

My oldest brother and his wife (who are 48 and 41, respectively) have a 13-year-old biological child, and they are now fostering 2 of my nephew's friends (same age/sex), and in the process of adopting a 10-year-old daughter from another state (race unknown to me). My nephew has been an "only" child ALL of his life, until this year, and he is so excited about having 2 brothers and a sister, he can hardly keep from telling the rest of our family!

The main thing to remember is this....if you have a house that is full of LOVE to share, then SHARE it. If you are overly concerned with race/personality/"whatothersthinkitis", then I would strongly urge you to drop the subject, and be content with your "3-member" family. Paul teaches in the Bible to "be content whatever your circumstance".

My little sister adopted her son at birth, and they have been VERY CONTENT with their family, just the 3 of them (with a lot of visits from the cousins (who are the same age), of course!)

Please feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk more.
HTH!

Eventhough your heart seems set on adoption have you looked into the process where they take your eggs and his fishies and put them into a person that will carry the baby for you? Excuse me for not knowing the name of the process or the full details of the process but this way it will still be your baby and you both will be happy. Not saying adoption is not a beatuiful thing but this is just another idea. Good luck!

This strong feeling will pass. There are no guarantees that any second child, biological or other would be compatable with your son or for that matter, with your family. Focus ALL your parenting on your son with no second thoughts and selectively pick out a child like a cousin or child of your longtime friends and "pad" your son's future with a great choice. I was an only child too and I felt very strongly that I didn't want my first child to grow up alone and outrageously spoiled by family. I had second child six years later and granted he is very, very special, even so much so that he has held my faith in even having children together. I do NOT regret at all having him, but he and his sister haven't spoken in many years. There are just no guarantees. Now, I am raising my first child's only baby. I know that raising this child needs all of the energy and attention I can gather to do a spectacular job of it. My hind sight tells me to advise you to live in this very moment with the child you have been intrusted with. Remember, he's only on loan! Do not fight fate or live in the future or feed your dissatisfaction one more ounce of energy. If another child is in your future, it will happen and play out just like it was mean't to be.
C. S.

I am also 37 and have to have a partial hysterectomy next week(removing my uterus) because of severe chronic pain, dysplacia, endometriosis, excessive bleeding, etc.. The decision is EXTREMELY hard for me to make. I do have 2 boys and would Love to have a little girl/boy some day that is closer in age to my 2 1/2 yr old than my 17 yr old is but am not in a serious enough relationship for me to start planning to get pregnant nor am i in a circumstance where I can afford to have a baby right now.
I have talked about the risks, decisions w/the guy i've been seeing and his dad that left when he was 6 was adopted and he feels that I should definitely have the surgery cause if i don't have my health i will not have the family that my heart desires and he would love to adopt. If things didn't work out w/us to go to the next level and the guy i was meant to be with didn't feel the same then he wasn't the one for me cause if a guy didn't love me completely and accept the way i felt then maybe he wasn't the man for me.

That's just my 2 cents. He should love all of you not just part of you.
Good luck to you and your trials. I do understand your feelings and my fears are that i will not be able to provide the man i'm with a child of his own that we both share together. The guy i'm seeing doesn't have any kids, That's one of my hardest issues i'm struggling with. I'm scared that I will not love a adopted child like our own, the guy i'm seeing says that I have a Big enough heart to Love all my kids the same:)

Just follow your heart:) Good Luck and God Bless
M.

Hi P.,

I have adopted three and think adoption is a wonderful thing. Yes, I prayed for children from my own body for years. But now I know that these three are the ones God intended for us to have. Some things God throws in your lap. Other things he expects us to believe for in faith such as things we know are His will. But sometimes He gives us a choice. And He blesses that choice. He even guides us in those choices. So all of this "whatever happens is the will of God" is a bunch of molarchy! If God's perfect will was always done, there would be no sin in the world!

Anyway, all that is to say that adoption is wonderful. And I hope you and your husband will pray together and ask God for His will in this matter. Then listen for His answer. It can come in several ways, but I think you'll both know when it comes. He may say "Do it!" to your spirit. He may say no. Or He may say "Its up to you."

And please consider fostering children. There are so many who need love and affection from a good, stable home. And after you've fostered some, you'll know which ones you'd like to adopt, if any.

And don't give up on having your own birth children. Even when things look impossible, nothing is impossible with God.

Hope this helps. And may God guide you as you seek His will.

I have an adopted child and a biological child. The first one was adopted and the second was biological (quite a shocking miracle). I have alot of things I'd like to tell you that might help.

First of all, visit some adoption agency introductory meetings. They have them periodically and they are very helpful and they do not require any obligation to make a decision. You can walk out and never contact them again and you won't hear from them. My husband and I went to one, both of us on the fence and very beaten down by infertility treatments. We came out of the meeting with new insight and excitement for the prospect of building our family through adoption. However, not only did we get information about the agency, we had a girl who had placed her child for adoption in the past speak as well as a mom who had previously adopted. Hearing them both talk about their experiences were life changing.

Secondly, if you did decide to start down that path, there is usually requirements you have to meet in order to complete the application and approval process. Things like reading some books and attending support groups -- all designed to help you work through what life with an adopted child will be like. Also very helpful.

Next, don't worry about age requirements etc. Don't let people tell you you're too old or it will be hard because you already have a biological child. Since I have adopted my daughter, I have met and become friend with alot of people who have adopted and who have been faced with the decision of what to do with an unexpected pregnancy. I've been very involved with the maternity home where our birthmother stayed while she was pregnant. I will tell you that none of those things will make a difference. Those girls will be looking for a connection with someone and there is no way of knowing what that will be. For me and my husband, we were chosen by our birthmother because she and I had similar childhoods and because we look alike. The next person will be chosen because they have a dog or because they already have children and their child will have instant siblings. Every situation is unique.

There are alot of misperceptions about adoption out there mostly among people who've never adopted or maybe they know someone who adopted and they have one experience from which they've formed their opinion. Don't let it scare you. But at the same time don't go into it alone. If your husband doesn't want to to do it, then you and your child are better off not pursuing it. But from my own personal experience you cannot possibly make that decision without at least investigating it first hand. I don't think you'll be able to talk him into this. And really, he may not be that against it as it seems. He just doesn't know much about it. That was the case for me. It was scary to me. It was a foreign idea that happened to other people, not me. It's the fear of the unknown. But now, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I can't tell you how many people say to me that they don't know how I do it when they find out I have an semi-open adoption. It boggles my mind that anyone would say that to me. But it proves my point. They don't know anything about it so it scares them into thinking they couldn't do it.

All this to say, see if your husband will go to a couple of intro meetings at some adoption agencies. Go to a big one, but go to some small ones too. Sometimes those are the best. And you have the option of domestic and international. But don't decide on that either until you've visited an agency and learned about both. You really do need to be more informed.

I wish you the best with your journey and if you have any more questions you are welcome to email me.

Hi P.,
Well my husband and I have adopted two sons while they were infants through Gladney in Fort Worth. One is bi racial (African American/Caucasian) and the other is Hispanic/Caucasian. Both are semi open adoptions. I myself am half Caucasian and Japanese and my husband is painfully white or should I say pink! :) So we are a blended family and love it!
We have no biological children of our own. I had two ectopics one requiring emergency surgery and one miscarriage in three years so adoption was the road we chose to take after much prayer.
Sorry but I have to disagree with your husband regarding not having anymore children because God has not blessed you with a pregnancy. If that was the case alot of families would not be formed through adoption, including us!
But in that same note if your husband is having alot of reservations about adoption then maybe it's not the right path for you. The whole adoption process is a very concise journey. It's not like your pregnant and on your way. It can be a very trying time with asking yourself what kind of an adoption you would want and why (international or domestic, open or semi opened or closed, what health issues would you consider if any, race and more). Not to mention what others will say and how you are going to react to it. It's alot to think about and though being a little unsure and nervous is normal you should both feel that this is where you should be.
Maybe an adoption orientation with an agency that provides all kinds of adoption would be worth while for you both to gather some information if he is willing to attend. Beware of advice from people that mean well but have never adopted. I found that most gathered their information through watching TV, mostly the Lifetime channel and tell you about all the bad things that adoption can bring. :)
It was a wonderful experince though at times challenging for us, we are glad to have a wonderful and somewhat unique family now!
Best Regards,
C.

OK, here's the deal from an adopted mom who also gave birth to a 'baby of the belly.' I also have adoptive mom friends. If God wants you to have more children, he'll put options in your path but IT IS ALWAYS UP TO YOU to use FREE WILL. He gave us that, too. So the God issue is a red herring.

It doesn't matter what the race. It doesn't matter what the condition. It doesn't matter what the medical history. It all just doesn't matter. Your kid is your kid. Friends of ours have two girls adopted from the same country. Other friends have a Guatemalan-born son and Korean-born daughter and they are white Vermonters. Does not matter. When God gives you a baby of the belly, you don't know what you are getting really. Notice those TV shows that follow folks families back to previous generations and found out all kinds of stuff they never knew. Doesn't matter.

The baby from my belly has had more medical issues BY FAR, including a thing (that just happened in the womb and had to be dealt with when he was 9 mos old with surgery), while my adopted baby has never had a blip or a cold. Needing parenting is not the same as a potential lemon in the used car market.

So, if you want to make God the fall guy, don't try to select the details -go for the opportunity that feels right in your gut.

On the other hand, if somebody (your hubby) doesn't want to adopt and for him it's about second choice instead of "a baby of our own" it just may be that an adopted child will be treated by him as a second class citizen. Who deserves that??? On the other hand, once you have the baby it is yours. Period. The rest really, really, really doesn't matter. (Y'know if God wants you to have another child, perhaps he wants you to make the choice about finding the child who needs your love the most: maybe a Haitian orphan? In terms of which kid, make it about the kid rather than you.

You did the right thing looking here for information. That fear you describe is probably the biggest thing you have to worry about. So: read up on adoption -you AND your husband. Your questions show that neither of you know much about things in the adoption world -that your fear is overwhelming. Other people who have not adopted, whatever their good intention, are not the people who know, so avoid asking them and if you get free advice, say thanks and remember if they haven't adopted, they're guessing. Obviously. In terms of whether or not to adopt, make it about the facts, not the worries. Birth babies bring problems we're unprepared for too. That's my advice. Be well. Good luck.

I was a gestational surrogate and my "Intended Parents" may not have been able to have a child without medical intervention and a little help from an available uterus, but they sure were meant to have a child! :) Their Natalie is nearly four years old and a beautiful, smart lovely little girl.

Maybe you can look into this option. There are tons and tons of informative sites on the web.

Best of luck to you!!