Adding Another Child to the family...seeking Advice Not Negative Comments.

Would he feel better if you were willing to get a part-time job to take some of the financial responsibility off his shoulders once the baby is a few months old? Even if it was just retail on weekends, when he is home to be with the kids, it might help.

If there are additional concerns that are making this hard for him, think about how you might tackle them together, as a couple, and not leave all the stress on him.

I would give him time.

You sound like you understand where is coming from and that is good, but men are not like women. They do not ant to talk and talk over and over. They need to let it all sink in and then THEY like to make a plan.

SO just take some steps back, give him time and space and soon he will probably approach you.

No one is really at fault, it is what it is, but once you two do have a conversation, maybe encourage him to get a vasectomy and you consider if you want your tubes tied once this child is born.

This way no more surprises..
BTW, Congratulations! A new bay is so special.. Even when they are a surprise.

Congratulations on your unexpected addition!

Now it's time to figure out where and how to cut back. Consider a Dave Ramsey style budget. Sell some stuff you don't use. Brainstorm ways to make some money.

And if all else fails? You might have to get a part-time job.

Pray together. God will provide.

I would get a part-time job...babysit, etc...Do you have a skill? If so, work a few days a week. One of my friends just started subbing at schools. She takes care of the grocery bills now.

Truly, I think folks buy houses that are much too big now. When I go to my parents house, I am in shock that we all ate at the table. It is such a small kitchen. But, everybody did that. It was normal.

Today, everything is over-sized.

My Aunt had 4 kids and my other Aunt had 6 kids. Their homes were smaller than the house I grew up in. No one cared or knew differently.

I would stay in your current home and add one room on, if need be.

My child is older -works/school/friends-- is barely ever home. That bedroom and bathrm are hardly ever used now.

I am in a similar situation. Unplanned pregnancies happen even to people that take precautions and are on birth control. No method of birth control is 100% effective! Not even male or female sterilization!

At first I would help your husband assess your financial situation - is it really as dire as you think or is there room for improvement. What are your regular expenses and is there a way to cut them. Which of your expenses are really luxuries and what are the things that you NEED.

A new child will add some expenses, but especially if you are breastfeeding and cloth diapering additional monthly expenses can be kept to a minimum. Our biggest additional monthly expense will be an extra $100 in health insurance, which is outweighed by a few other things falling away this summer anyways.

IMO anyone that has any sort of high interest debt to pay down (car payments, credit card payments) should be paying off their obligations first before even considering buying a bigger house. Saving up money does NOT make sense when you are spending a bunch on interest and finance charges.

Also many people overestimate the size of house they need. Are you REALLY running out of room or are your expectations and your stuff just out of control.
When I was a kid it was perfectly normal and acceptable for siblings to share a room for example, we did not have a bedroom and an extra playroom and we did not have so many toys and clothes that you couldn't fit all of them (for two kids) in one closet.
Nobody needed a "master bedroom suite", the family room was the living room and walk in closets was something that only rich people had in their mansions. THAT was middle class life in the the 70's and 80's and it was fine, everyone was happy.

My husband also feels the financial burden lasting heavily on his shoulders. I have to say while I try to be understanding, part of me wants to yell at him and tell him "tough luck, welcome to being an adult". Yes we are responsible to financially support ourselves and our children, yes we have to work hard. Well, that's life.

How can you help him? I am not sure you can - I am not sure I can. People react differently to unexpected things happening to them. I tend to jump into action, change my plans accordingly and try to accept the new circumstances and make the best of it. Some people (like my DH) want to wallow in their grief, anger and disappointment for a while before they pick themselves up and sometimes grudgingly march on.

Sometimes giving your partner some space to come to terms with this in his own ways is the only thing you can do - and make sure you take care of yourself and surround yourself with other sources of support.
Good luck.

I read through the responses and I don't see a reason to bash anyone because I don't see any negative responses. If you don't believe in abortion, that is perfectly ok but there is nothing wrong with someone putting that option out here. You posted your question on a public web site and there are a lot of opinions here... I guarantee that no one gets 100% answers that they are happy with in some way or another.

I don't read hate mail so don't bother.

Now to your question... Surprise.... you are pregnant. Were you on birth control? Were BOTH of you knowingly participating in unprotected sex?

I can imagine your husband's nerves being in knots because this is new pressure for him to continue providing for his family. He will have 1 more mouth to feed, 1 more child to get through college and continue saving for retirement and the house you want. Give him some time to breathe and let the news soak in. It is a HUGE extra responsibility and he is concerned about his family.

You said yourself that you are barely getting by. I can't imagine the feeling of barely getting by and then finding out I have a new child to support.

Maybe you should find something part time (not working at home... you don't get paid to watch your children) to help and show him that you are working as best you can with him to get through this.

How old are your other children? Can you teach or tutor children? Sell items on Ebay, Craigslist.

Do everything you can to help your husband so your family won't continue to be barely getting by. I've heard Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman both have good plans for families who need help with financials and budgeting.

Hang in there and best wishes for a successful pregnancy and delivery.

My newnickname pretty much summed up what I was going to say. I think the financial burden is getting to him, so it might be time to think about part-time work or perhaps taking on some babysitting jobs to help bring in additional income.

Right now, I think the problem may be that he needs time to digest the news. He needs to be allowed to feel how he feels. The thing is, he's allowed to have his feelings because even if he's not thrilled or happy or seeing anything positive and is in fact upset and doesn't want this situation... he needs to be allowed to feel it. He needs time to get used to the idea that you plan to keep the pregnancy. I'm assuming that you won't consider having the baby adopted.

Chances are high he'll come around if you can recognize his feelings as being valid and maybe even admit to him that you're scared too. I think it's also ok not to talk it out for a little while. For now, no decisions about a house or finances or you getting a part time job have to made. Take a few days for you each to digest the information, and maybe let him come to you when he's calmed down. He's not likely thinking about the person that the pregnancy represents to you. He's thinking about the finances. The obstacles. The cost of the health care you're going to require during the pregnancy. Not the baby itself. That part isn't reality to him yet.

When he's ready to talk, you can plan part time work for yourself. You can plan rearranging the bedrooms for the children. If your husband has an office you may have to convert it into another bedroom and he'll have to figure out another way to work from home or consider renting a small office space so that you can save up longer for a larger home. In other words, let him know that you have some suggestions for plans that could work and he's not going to be doing anything alone. You're partners. You need him so that you're not alone.

Our 3rd was unplanned. My husband was super stressed about money and had a minor meltdown. He went to the doctor and got some anxiety meds to see him over the hump (approx 4 months). I watched my neighbor's kids to earn extra cash. When the kids got older, I got a part time at home job with a local manufacturer. I made magnets and key chains.. It was a really sweet deal. I made about $45 a day. I didn't get work every day, it was seasonal. I kept doing that and got another part time job at my kids' school. I worked two hours a day in the lunch room. Very convenient!

Recently, I went back to work full time. It was a huge adjustment for all of us, but it's getting easier.

Our youngest is 11 now and I cannot even imagine her not being here. I know my husband feels the same. Sure, the beginning was a little rocky, but we're pretty much smooth-sailing now - even though our older two are in their teens.

Good luck!

He will adjust give him time. When he sees that new little face, he will wonder why he struggled so. Babies, in reality, do not need much so from a financial point, they do not have a great impact for a while. Then you cannot imagine life without them and know in the end it all works out. Congratulations.

I'm assuming your oldest is 6. Sounds like you can get away with the kids sharing a bedroom for at least another year or two. If your oldest really needs privacy, see if a contractor can subdivide the room.

Find ways that you can save money or generate some income without causing you too much stress during the pregnancy. It doesn't have to be extreme couponing (I never do that). A relative sells all of her kids' gently used clothing and toys in the neighborhood via a listserv. Become a notary public--it's a good job for a SAHM if you don't mind people coming to your home with their documents. My coworker just told me that she earns $40 a pop doing fancy braids, twists, buns, etc. for high school prom girls. She watched YouTube tutorials to learn how to do it. The girls come to her home with freshly washed hair an leave with fancy hair.

He'll come around.

Congratulations on your early gift! Whether you are a single income or double income family, an unexpected pregnancy is oftentimes overwhelming to process. Just give him time and pray for him.

I am also appalled when people suggest abortion, especially to perfect strangers. You never said that you couldn't afford the baby--just that things are tight and you are currently staying home and just barely getting by. You have been very fortunate to have been able to stay home to this point, but that's certainly not the only good option. My mom had 5 kids and has always worked FT. If you have any nearby family who can help you with childcare that'd make your road more manageable

You can do this. Your husband can do this, and I am certain he will warm up once his head can catch up to his heart.

We have a very stable financial situation, but when I told my husband that #4 was on the way his reaction was very underwhelming. Well, baby #4 turns 6 months tomorrow and my husband is over the moon for him.

We just downsized and it was one of the best decisions we've ever made. Maybe that would be an option?

My wife and I got married during the time of the FAD of ZPG (Zero Population Growth). We were told that we should stop at two kids. I am SSSOOOO GLAD we had #3.

It was tough getting him to study during high school and do his homework. In the 8th grade he was making C's, D's, and F's. I put my foot down and made him do his home work, study for tests and work doing school work. He told me "work is a four letter word". Well, he graduated salutatorian (#2 in his class). He went to medical school at USC and is practicing in northern California.

I don't know what your third child is going to do for a living or if you will even be proud of them. But I can tell you that we are extremely proud of our kids. With you being a SAHM, your kids have a much better chance of them growing up right.

If you want suggestions on how to save money in the various aspects of family life pm or e-mail me.

Good luck to you and yours.

Congratulations! Although happy, I think your husband is feeling overwhelmed right now. I would do all I could to reduce spending and come up with creative ways to make more wealth in your family. Take good care of yourself and continue to remain positive and excited, and he will too. Your husband will accept that his plan was just a bit different than Gods plan and timing. As you already know, everything will all work out the way it's suppose to. Blessings to you and your family.