"Active" Son or Lacking Discipline?

My son, now 6, is exactly the same. I agree with Peg M and Robswife03. Find ways to embrace the endless energy. I also recently have realized that MUCH of his behavior is due to his unending curiosity. Looking back, I think this has been with him for a long time, but I was chalking it up to behavior issues rather than realizing that it is his great need to understand everything in the world. I have started reading books on gifted children and it has been a tremenous help. One other note, I did not start taking him to church until he was 5. It is just unreasonable to expect an active 3 year old boy to sit through 2 hours of chruch. He just can't do it, so you are setting him (and your husband) up for failure. It doesn't matter that other 3 year olds are doing it. As others have said, they might have different personalities, they might be being threatended throughout chruch (not a good approach), etc. My friend's daughter will sit through church and color the entire time. My son hates to color. He will sit still and concentrate on something for hours, but not in a tiny little space in church. And one more thing, it is exhausting to have a child like this, you are not alone, but my son also has introduced us to a million things that we never would have investigated, so I try to remember the positive aspect of his energy.

Your little guy doesn't sound too unusual from here. Two hours is an extraordinarily long time to expect such a young child to sit quiety. Twenty minutes is more than most 3yo's can manage.

Expecting more from him than is appropriate for his age does set him up for failure, and sets you up for yelling and other expressions of impatience or exasperation. Too much discipline is just as bad as too little.

When my 4yo grandson is reluctant to do something because he's active and having fun, I try to enter into the spirit of his activity, perhaps egging him on and congratulating him for "four great laps around the gym." Then I might say, "So let's see how fast you can do one more lap with your coat on!" or "Let's see how fast you can make it to the door. Can you beat me?"

It's amazing sometimes how well that works. And really, isn't all that joyous energy just beautiful to watch? Being part of that is probably one of the reasons you wanted to have a child in the first place.

You can find creative and empathetic ways to do that with most things you need him to accomplish. It's a happier solution all around and it really doesn't take much more time and energy that minutes of nagging, scolding, time-outs, or all the things parents do to "make" their children behave.

red flags to me for lacking discipline would be you cringing at the idea of having to take him with you to ____________. If his activeness is infringing on your or other family members things, space, or time, then yes. otherwise pretty normal stuff.

my kids go to church with me & it is over an hour long--catholic and they sit quietly. I allow them to take 1 quiet toy like a doll or action figure, but that is it. I do know it is hard on them, but I feel it is important because they are exposed to my faith, they learn that it isn't always about them, and they see how respectful we as society can be.

Hope this helps.

I knew a mom once who bragged that her two- and four-year olds would sit, perfectly obedient, through a 2-hour Orthodox service.

But that mom was an obnoxious, overbearing psychopath who will probably end up rearing two messed up kids who can't make a single decision for themselves.

Be happy you have a curious, healthy, happy boy. He sounds perfectly normal, and ready to try some high energy sports. :)

I agree with the other moms - it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job. I applaud you for being concerned about your child's behavior and your expectations. I'm sure people think we expect too much of our kids, but I'm proud that my 23 month-old says Thank You without prompting when she gets something.

I do also agree that he sounds typical for that age. 3 is a really tough age where they're exerting their independence and needing boundaries. So, while we'd expect our children to be well-behaved in a church service (we'd take toys to entertain them), we'd likely stop at a park on the way home to let them burn off steam and get a reward for being well-behaved.

Like the other Moms, I would not do well in a 2 hour service either.

For me, it all comes back to my children being a direct reflection of us as parents. I want them to be independent and individuals, but I also want to provide them as good of a foundation as possible.

Our sons sound very similar. Here's my blog post.

http://www.rachelsramblings.com/2009/07/in-defense-of-ene...

My son is four, so I remember what you're going through. He does need boundaries and to learn how to behave. He also has the need to wiggle and explore, so make sure to give him time for it. I send my son outside to do heavy work like shoveling, moving heavy items or pushing on things--helps him wear out and use the energy he needs.

In my post at the end, I link to a site that gives good ideas for activities.

You're gently training him how to behave and it's a long process (or does it really end?). I have to remind myself sometimes that he's learning and he's going to act inappropriately because he's a child. But he knows how to act and mostly does.

Each child is different, and you are describing typical 3 year old behavior. And I can't even sit through a 2 hr service let alone a three year old! Keep up your discipline and be consistent. Maybe it's just his nature to be energetic - so do your best to focus that energy (easier said than done). As long has he's being respectful and safe, he just sounds like he's full of life! Enjoy his energy and don't be too hard on yourself.

obviously he needs to learn but each child is different and some take longer than others. there is no way a 3 year old can sit still in church for 2 hours. Your husband must have not seen the parents bribing them, or threaten them or something. It would be hard for any child that couldnt comprehend the message to sit for longer than 15 minutes...i dont think i could sit longer than 30 minutes without losing it myself and I am almost 10 times your sons age!

Updated

obviously he needs to learn but each child is different and some take longer than others. there is no way a 3 year old can sit still in church for 2 hours. Your husband must have not seen the parents bribing them, or threaten them or something. It would be hard for any child that couldnt comprehend the message to sit for longer than 15 minutes...i dont think i could sit longer than 30 minutes without losing it myself and I am almost 10 times your sons age!

Hi there - I have a 3 year who sounds exactly like your son. I think everyone makes a good point, but I also believe you need to trust your gut. If you feel something is off, I would probe further. I would also look at other kids and wonder why my son did not have the "discipline" other 3-year olds have.

We had our son evaluated at the UIC Preschool Behavioral Disorders Clinic, just to see if they saw something. They did. They feel he is on the autism spectrum (PDD-NOS), but very mild. He is in a normal preschool classroom and received special services through the school. The fact is, even today, I'm not 100% sure I agree with the diagnosis because he seems so normal in so many ways - except his behavioral issues are still a challenge. But, in children this age, it is best to err on the side of conservatism. That means getting him the help - it won't hurt him, but can only help. If their diagnosis is wrong, I'm okay with it. Insurance covers all sorts of stuff they wouldn't without the diagnosis.

The other thing we are doing is a program at DePaul called Parent-Child Interaction Therapy ###-###-####). It is a an individualized program that teaches parents to help improve their child's behavior - listenting, social skills, child attention skills, and the like. We just got started so I can't tell you much but I feel good about it so far. There is also a program called Tuesday's Child that teaches similar techniques but is group-oriented, versus working one-on-one with families.

You are welcome to contact me if you would like to talk more. I really think you should trust your gut or err on the side of getting your child help - he is at an age where a lot can be overcome with the right help. You can only help him versus hurt him by getting him therapies, etc.

Good luck!
L. (____@____.com)

I agree with a lot of the responses. We have a very active 3.5 year old. He is curious, fun and happy but cannot sit still and would never have made it through a 2 hour service when he was almost three. Some of your issues is definitely age related and boy related. If it continues and impacts his experience at preschool, by all means don't hesitate to have him tested as it is better to catch problems early.
At the recommendation of our community preschool we had our son tested as he had some issues in his preschool with transitions and listening. I was worried that we were doing something bad in our parenting that was causing him not to listen or to act out in preschool. To be quite honest they made it seem like he was awful in school - which was very confusing to me because he was fine at home. While the screeners did feel he had some behavior issues around transitioning that he should work on, they pointed out that every child has their own temperment and the key is to give you child the tools he needs to be successful with the temperment he has.
In our case, we switched preschools to a small class with a part time behavorist on staff and in just a few weeks, my child is listening better and much happier. He is has been wonderful there and is learning the tools he needs to control his impulses and listen better.
Your son is still young, be consistent at home with rules and how you enforce them and see how he matures and if you find anything to be concerned with when he starts preschool then don't be afraid to reach out for help.

Good luck,
H.

Kids at that age are supposed to be loud, running around and that type of thing. I do not expect them to sit through any church service, let alone a two hours! That being said, I think it sounds like you are doing everything right. Some times it's easy to get my daughter to listen, put on her jacket, etc. Other times, it takes forever! I think it depends on the day and how my child is feeling. As our children learn how to deal with their own independence, they will try to test us to see how we react. Keep up with the good job and make sure that you are punishing him when appropriate - not just because he's running around, being loud, etc.

Give him options - do this or do that. Don't make him feel that he has to do what you are saying or nothing. Let him express and explore his independence.

Just a few thoughts to add:

If you and/or your husband want your son to have positive feelings about religion, this will be the time it begins. Either let your son wait until he's older and more ready, send him to the Sunday School class if they have one, or be sure dad is showing loving behavior during the service rather than critical or embarrassed.

I have a five year old boy. I only have behavioral problems when he's bored or not feeling loved. I don't know your parenting, but I always have to be careful that I spend enough play time with my son and not focus too much on house chores and other have-to's. He just want's to have fun; that's a young boy's job!

Good luck; you sound like a very conscientious mom!

I definitely can feel your pain with all of it. We also sit for almost 2 hrs and it is hard on DD. We give her stuff to draw with too. Quiet things. There's two things to check out...could be either. Look at the Parent's of Spirited Kids or the Sensory Street Yahoo groups. They are fantastic. Mary K. Sheedy also wrote a fantastic book about spirited kids and why they are different and how to deal with them. The sensory is not that many kids, but it can have a lot of the same actions as spirited when it is not at a strong level like DD's. I'm still waiting for it to get easier...but I know that it does.

Take care!
H.

Its just his age. He will out grow it. Dont put him in situations that are not appropriate for his age, like a 2 hour church service!! That would be very very difficult for a 3 yo boy. I would never think of doing that at his age. My 4 yo was the same way and still acts crazy most of the time, but not as much as when he was 3. Keep in mind he is 3. Its totally normal. Discipline is needed, but let him be 3. He will get better!!!

without seeing your son I have no way of knowing. If you came to play at my daycare for a morning or two with the other kids then I could tell you after that an honest opinion but just from what you wrote I have no way of knowing.

As far as the church, I went to church which was 3 hours long and we had toys until at least 5 yrs old, then we had to start listening for at least part. And we were VERY strictly behaved let me tell you.

If you do want me to give you an honest evaluation, I'm VERY willing to tell you what I see and give you suggestions.

I recommend reading Dr Kevin Leahman's book, "Have a New Kid by Friday." There's a mini quiz in there for the parents to gauge you and your child. You can borrow it from the library. Each child is different but I am amazed at how this method has worked in my family in such a short time. I have four kids ranging in age from 3 to 10 years (3 girls and 1 boy) and Dr. Leahman's methods have worked. I have found that the problem isn't my kids; but my inconsistency with them.

Goodluc

That sounds like a normal 3 year old to me (at least compared to my 3 boys). My oldest son is 6 and has always been a little more "busy" than other kids his age. He has two younger brothers and it is worse when he is around them. Since he started school he is a lot more mature. He does exceptional in school academically and with his behavior. I attribute it to him being around children his age and seeing how they act rather than being around his little brothers all the time.

My twin boys are four. One of them is really laid back and calm. I can take him anywhere and he'll listen and behave, no problem. Now the other twin is all over the place. He is in constant motion and is HARDHEADED! Whatever you tell him, he does the opposite. In public he's bouncing around, touching stuff, just "busy". Different kids have different personalities.

I think the "busy" twin's behavior has a lot to do with curiosity. He is very intelligent and wants to see, touch everything and know how it works, where it came from, etc. I give him helper projects to keep him close and out of trouble. If i'm shopping, he marks thing of the list, if I'm cooking, he's organizing the shelves.

Bottom line, your son sounds like a normal 3 year old. Give him plenty exercise and keep him busy

My son is just like yours. I often have the same quandry -- Why can all the other kids sit quietly while mine is rolling around pretending to be Spiderman? What I'm come to realize is that you have to figure out what's normal for him -- not for all the other kids. For my son, he just cannot last more than half an hour paying attention to something without moving around. As he gets older, his attention span increases. Also, he does seem to be learning some self discipline and delayed gratification (which is hard for all of us -- I'd be alot thinner if I had it myself!)

As for church -- I used to attend Russian Orthodox services, so I know exactly what those are like. Your husband should not be at all embarrassed that his child needs toys to make it through. A lot of kids can listen as long as their hands are busy. And your son will soon start to recognize the various points in the service that indicate a change or nearing the end which will show your husband that he really is listening.

As far as discipline -- it never hurts to revamp something that doesn't seem to be working. If you feel stressed about the amount of yelling or consequences that you're giving, try checking out some books from the library about discipline or looking up some articles online for new ideas. If you're comfortable with the way things are going and with your relationship with your son (you don't feel like he's afraid of you or like he doesn't respect you) then just wait and see. My son changed a lot from 3 - 4 years old.

My son is 10 and I still bring a 'bag of tricks' to church :) Try the book 1-2-3 magic. It is positive discipline and ends the yelling. I was skeptical, but my son responded very well! He started listening to us and behaving. Also, positive reinforcement has worked well. When he was little we used charts of stickers for good behavior, so many stickers= a favorite treat or outing.
I think for a toddler, boys will be boys, but some measure of behaving is possible. Good luck and enjoy your children!

Most of the moms have hit the nail on the head in my opinion. Normal behavior from a three year old boy. Expectations that are not age appropriate will only cause problems. I can't agree at all that child has to be "tested" because he is active. Children aren't zombies or robots. If your child is of high energy and exuberance and curiosity, ( a sign of intelligence) why is that a bad thing? Only because as parents it gives us alot to do. I don't think comparing your kids to other kids is necessarily the answer. You can always find those that are quieter, more well behaved, more whatever. Is that really the "best" behavior? I was very quiet and well behaved as a child because I was shy and afraid of everything. That wasn't fun for me. I'd rather have a child (and did have in fact!) who rushes out to meet the world with open arms and a free spirit.

I have a very active boy and we disipline him, but due to his temperament, he is just not a compliant kid. Not surprising since me and his dad are both pretty stubborn ourselves. LOL! Anyway, not all kids will sit still. The parents that have those kids are very lucky. Just because yours doesn't, does not mean that your parenting needs to be questioned. It just means that you have a more challenging kiddo, and is that really a bad thing? My son is always so lively and happy! What more can you ask for?

I don't think that anything he is doing ISN'T normal. I have 2 boys, 18 months apart. They are different as night and day, but I can say that 3 year old boys are usually just little fidgeters and runners. Especially if there is a mom to chase or a dad's attention to get.
I wouldn't even go to church if they didn't have childcare during the service. That is way too long for an active NORMAL boy to sit and behave. There are a couple of people who go to our church that have "well behaved" children, but I wouldn't want their home life.
I wouldn't stress it. He's just active.

I had to check and make sure I didn't post this. My son Evan will be 4 in April and he is the same way. Super busy all the time, not always the best listener. It's very hard to take him when I grocery shopping, etc. And he's my only one. He started preschool this past fall and every day it was something. How he had a bad day, wouldn't sit still, wouldn't listen. Finally, around Christmas, they asked us to remove him. We are having him evaluated by a pediatric neurodevelopmental specialist for ADHD, & Sensory Integration disorder . He seems to have some characteristics of both. However, there is a program called 1, 2, 3, magic! http://www.parentmagic.com/ Check it out and don't get discouraged. I have been seeing some changes in Evan over the past few months. Evans dad (we aren't a couple anymore) has tried to take him to church a couple times and it just didn't work. We are both Catholic, and I'm glad he takes him and the service isn't usually more than an hour, but Evan just couldn't sit still. 1, 2, 3, magic DOES work. Give it a shot.

T.

P.S. I'm not religious either, that's why his dad takes him when he has him=)

I am also the mother of an "active" 3 year old and feel just like you!! You are not alone in doubting your parenting skills when you compare him to other kids his age. I stay at home during the week and work weekends but my son attends daycare 2 days a week. While we (so far) have no complaints from the teacher, he is running around and doesnt want to get his coat or backpack. Sometimes I compare him to other kids his age and wonder if he is "out of control". Lately he has a hitting problem, but only hits our dogs and cat. I feel sometimes I cant conrtol how he act and relize that I never will. He is head strong and bull-headed. On the other hand, he is a sweet and giving child and am complimented often on his good attitude and manners.. I have been through time-outs,spanking and sitting him down and "explaining" his behavior as best as I can. What has worked the best so far is time-out for 3 mins (his age) and then he has to appoligize to whomever for whatever he has done. Its not perfect and sometimes doesnt work but I feel that eventually he will just grow out of this onery stage,. I hope this helps! Hang in there. I know how you feel and what you are going through. Try to be constistant and always jump in when he is misbehaving, Also, the 2 hours of church probably is not a good idea right now:) Most adults have a hard time sitting still during 2 hours of church let alone "active" boys! Good luck to you:)

Ok, so I answered a similiar question like this last week, and now I am in the same predicament, and I agree with you 100%. My son has always been really good about listning and following directions and last week, his attitude did a 180. All of a sudden, he wants to argue about everything. I got 2 calls last week from preschool informing me that he had hit 2 kids, and Friday they decided to move him up to the older classroom. When I talked to the director, she indicated that it is really age appropriate for them to test us on everything. He is 3 1/2 and a really good kid, however they are seeing what they can and can't get away with, so I have come to the conclusion that when he does undesirable things or has an attitude, I need to take the time to stop it and talk to him about it, in addition to taking things away and time outs. By the way, 2 hours is a looooong time for a kid to have to stay still and behave-ANYWHERE-not just church! I think as long as you're addressing the issues and have appropriate discipline, what else are we supposed to do? We just have to deal with it the best we can.