A Taboo Topic or Open for Discussion in Your Family?

I was given my own budget, and that was the one that mattered. If I asked for something, and I couldn't pay for it with my allowance, then that was it. I either had to earn the money myself or do without it. I didn't know specifics about my parents finances until I was an adult and had to act as Power of Attorney. I've never thought about telling my kids how much money we make either. I talk about what expenses we have, and budgeting for them, but I don't give specific numbers. I explain how credit cards work, and how we shouldn't buy things unless we know we can pay for them. I have an idea what my siblings make based on their occupations and their lifestyles, but I do not know any numbers.

I am the one that brought up talking about budgets.

When I was growing up, while I did my homework, sometimes, my parents (while they were married) sat at the table and paid the monthly bills. After they divorced, my mom would sit and pay the bills.

I never saw the numbers, or, understood the numbers, but I heard them call them out, while someone logged them, the other wrote the check. Then they would add them up and talk about how much to put in the savings.. etc. and how much towards.. lets say a trip.. etc..

This gave me an idea of what it was like to earn money and then pay the bills. Once my parents divorced, I was in middle school and special events, clubs, lessons.. all of these things cost money and my mom would be honest and say. "well if you want to try out for Cheerleader, how much is that going to cost if you get selected.?" I would then need to find out this information and my parents and I would sit down and discuss if this was something we could afford, if maybe we would need to cut back on something. etc.. I never took for granted, what it meant to be able to participate. I respected my belongings. I offered to work , so i would not put a burden on my parents and i was always grateful for the things, I was given.

My mom was very honest about how much we could spend on groceries each week. If we wanted name brand cereal, we had to have a coupon and it had to also be on sale.

Again I never really knew the specifics, but I knew we were on a tight budget.
She spoke about good credit, about mortgages, Property taxes, insurance on a home and on a car. We knew that to have these things cost money and to have money you had to work.

I began taking care of my 2 younger cousins and my sister the summer I turned 13. I cannot recall how much I mad a week, but this was my money to help pay for my cheer leading uniform, pom, poms.. etc..

I also used to it to help purchase my back to school clothing that year.
I continued to babysit and do these summer childcare.
My mom wanted to get me a pair of contact lenses, so that is the first time we ever hosted a Garage sale. We made enough money for my contact lenses and a trip to the coast!!!! This was a big deal. we were only there 2 days and nights, but a vacation out of town was amazing.

When I turned 16 I had a part time job.
I needed a car, so I saved up and then my mom matched the amount. I paid all of the gas and half of the insurance. I paid for all of my school clothes from that time on. I paid my own club dues, and trips with school.. all of these things, I now paid for on my own

Once your child is ready to attend College, they will need to know your financial information to apply for scholarships and grants, to fill out the forms.. because once they turn 18, the College Student will be receiving the mail and emails from the College and the Govt.

It is important for children to realize, the money is not limitless. That it takes so many hours to earn this money, and you can spend it so quickly, without realizing it.

My husbands family never talks about money, but they do believe, the more money you have, the more power that person has. They are always saying they do not have any money.. Next thing you know they have a new car, a trailer, leather furniture, 50 inch flat screen TV..

We finally told them, When we say we do not have any money.. that means we have less than $20.. till the next pay day.. They were shocked.

I guess that shows you how they live.

FYI, Our daughter knew how much we paid for the cell phones. She is the one that agreed to a less expensive phone and no texting all through high school. Once she went to college, we wanted her to have the texting and be able to have internet. She still has always been a good steward of her money. If she wanted something we could not afford, we just told her, we cannot afford that, but you could always save up.
While she was in college, she SAVED money! It was amazing.

My parents did not sit us down and discuss the budget monthly. They did, however, talk to us about money, the importance of saving, paying bills on time, etc.

We HAD to discuss our financial situation with our boys last year - as their dad (my husband) was unemployed. They didn't get down to the penny, however, they needed to understand why were were tightening the belt.

It's important that kids be able to handle money and understand how it works. Saving, spending, paying bills, tithing, etc. It's not about HOW MUCH ONE MAKES - it is about HOW you budget the money. Kids NEED to know how to budget...start with THEIR allowance...show them how much they will get per month, help them set financial goals and saving, tithing, buying with their own money. They can't go through life thinking that money grows on trees or you buy something with this card you pull out of mommy's wallet and they don't know HOW the money got there or if it's REAL money (a debit card) or "fake money" a credit card (yes, I realize there are people who have credit cards that pay the balance every month).

My family is a pretty open family. We discuss a lot of things together. if your parents have NEVER discussed money with you - I would inquire if they have a will set up and ask who is the executor/executrix of their estate(s) and what they want done. Those are the basics and EVERYONE in the family should know that...those what if's and when's - do they want to be buried, do they have a plot, if so where? do they want to be cremated? the list goes on and on - even if it ONE person - they NEED to know.

My siblings know where our money and investments are - they know where our will(s) are and what our wishes are as well. We live on the opposite sides of the country, so for us, it was/is important.

So as you can tell - I believe that kids need to know how to use money, where it comes from and to set a budget. It is YOUR job as a parent to get them ready for the big, bad world - and money and managing it is one of the most important tools they need to learn.

Back when we were kids no meant no, we didn't expect an explanation and that is all going over finances are. You are justifying your no.

Not sure how we evolved to this idea that we should give our kids everything we can afford to give them mind you.

So no, my kids have no idea how much I make, how much my husband or their father makes. If I say no it is because I have decided no, they don't need a reason.

My daughter knew we were poor. She sort of got clued in when the electricity would get turned off for a couple of days because I had to wait for payday to pay the bill.

We discuss budget/money with our kids. They are 6 and 9.
Not in a way to "burden" them, but in a way to make them think and reflect and to think ahead.
There are even kid books on money, too. Barnes & Noble has some which I got for my kids.
Financial management, is even taught in some schools.

I am open with my kids. So is my Husband about it. They don't know exactly what we make. But they are aware of what "budget" means and no and not right now or we have to save for that concepts.
It is not taboo with us per our kids.
But, my kids know, it is personal/private info.
Not just going around being a big mouth about it.
They know that.
We teach them.

Growing up, things were very similar for me to the way you grew up. However, my husband and I want our boys to understand finances better than we did when we first started out on our own, so we are doing things differently.

We've talked with our children about money and how much things cost from the time they were very young. They have both received money from grandparents from time to time, and make decisions about how to spend that money. Our oldest son (14yo) now has a job with the family business, and earns an actual paycheck during part of the year. He saves 1/3 of the paycheck, and can spend the rest if he chooses. So far, he has saved all of the money because he wants a MacBook. We don't pay allowances (that's another story), but we do put money in a savings account for our oldest from time to time since he helps around our farm and babysits our youngest son frequently. That is money for car insurance and gas that he will need in a couple of years. He knows about that and keeps track of how much money is in the account. We also give our 8yo cash from time to time for helping around the farm (above and beyond normal chores). He is our saver. He rarely spends any money.

Also, our oldest knows how much I make as a teacher, and knows how my husband is paid. His pay varies because he is in sales. For the past few months when I pay bills, I have my 14yo sit with me. He now knows how to balance the checkbook and he knows how to pay the bills. He sees the money coming in and the money going out. When we went on vacation to Colorado last summer, both boys were involved in planning the trip. They knew how much the hotel cost, and we talked openly about the cost of white-water rafting and other activities. They knew that we cut back on some things so that we could do others, and they also knew that we had to consider the cost of things at home like my husband missing a week of sales, and paying a house/pet sitter.

Our 14yo is extremely responsible and when he leaves for college in a few years, he will fully understand how finances work. He knows we don't have credit card debt, and he understands why. Hopefully he will be able to avoid some mistakes because he is so well-informed. Our 8yo is learning, too, but he isn't ready for quite as much information, yet.

So far this is working for us.

ETA: As for our parents now, I have power of attorney for my ex-step-father who lives in an assisted living home, so I know everything about his finances. My mom is also very open about all of her finances. My husband's father died a year ago, and my husband helps his mom with all of her finances, so we know all of her information, too.

I don't understand how denying children some of the "wants" in life is causing a burden on them. I've heard this opinion before, as if we should never admit to not being able to afford some things.
We have been through a great deal of turmoil regarding our finances over the past 3 years. We have lived without a car. We have used the local food bank. One year I even signed up at the local Salvation Army for food and toys for Christmas. What they saw: A slight annoyance at having to learn to walk up to a mile together without their parents and how to take the bus, as well as using their bikes more. Although we "took" we also gave back, I volunteered at the SA that was providing us with help, and we collected and gave extra food to a local L'Arche house. They never saw the money we borrowed from friends and family. They were denied some extracurricular activities. There were things that were appropriate for them to experience, and others we kept from them in age appropriate ways.
Do they know how much we make? They know we make under a certain amount, because it allows them to be eligible for various non-profit and government programs. But not what we make specifically. Would I show them if one of them asked to see it? Sure, it's just numbers, math problems, money. What's the "burden"? To accept they can't have everything they want? They are safe, they are loved, and they are nurtured. That's hardly a burden, the rest is just icing.

I think it's smart to discuss finances with your kids. I don't think you have to justify why you're choosing not to buy them something based soley on income, but you should educate your child about how a budget works. It's something we fully plan on discussing with our children so that they don't make the same dumb mistakes we made when we were young.

It's important for them to know about investing, saving, and giving to charity all while still managing to make ends meet.

We don't discuss specific numbers but we are very open with our daughter, almost 18, as far as family finances...MUCH more so now than a few years ago because she can grasp the idea now.

We own our company, daughter is a paid employee, part of her "job" is to shadow me as I am partner/CFO so she sees the company bank account which at times has her eyes bugged open and jaws dropped and she also sees the accounts payable that I stay on top of and a counts receivable that I monitor daily as well.

Sometimes if we say something is not doable she now says but I saw $--- in your account to which we explain .... Yes you see that number but it's a number and funds are allocated and we have this much allocated touch for this......

Bottom line she knows delayed gratification. She knows the goal is to live beneath your means and have no debt as we live by and to always pay yourself first. We also encourage multiple income streams and I act in that with subbing thru her school and privately.

We are very open with her at this age especially as she is a senior in high school, applying for college, etc. She knows we've saved and sacrificed since before she was born in order to get her out if college debt free.

She comes from a family who is very driven and successful and she has the drive. We support that drive. She learns more daily about our family funds because she's a part if the business. There are things we have stashed for her that she is completely unaware of.

So yes, for our family , we are open about finances, forecasting and spending . We live with no debt and our main lesson for daughter is to be debt free.

You have to be careful about telling your kids how much you make, because they will tell people. It's not other peoples' business how much you make.

Instead, we've used generalities. We've explained how education is so important in getting a job that gives them the opportunity to make a good living. And they hear plenty "No, we're not buying that - it costs too much" or "You have to save your money for that."

Another thing to do is sit down with a list or a stack of bills. Heat, water, car insurance, etc. Let them see what you are doing, and talk about it. Tell them the difference in renting and owning, and talk about taxes. Don't do it all at once.

An allowance is an early way to help them learn about conserving. Also, giving them a certain amount of money and letting them use it to buy their clothes - my son did that and loved seeing what kind of sales he found.

Good luck!
Dawn

I grew up in a family where money wasn't really talked about. I didn't have a concept of what my parents made. I didn't know that behind the scenes they were living pay check to pay check and having fights about money. If they said no to something, I thought they were being mean - never understood that they seriously couldn't afford it, no matter how hard they tried. As an adult, looking back and knowing how much everything costs, I understand how much they were truly sacrificing and how hard it was for them. But, because of this taboo money subject and not really discussing finances and budgeting, I was pretty bad with money.

My husband, on the other hand, was much more educated about money. He didn't know what his parents had, but they frequently talked about money and talked finances in general and budgeting. He was given stock at the age of 10 to manage. So although they didn't talk specifics, they had many general conversations about money.
As a result, my husband is excellent with money.

I try to talk to the kids about money. I tell them how much things cost. I hope to force some understanding on them as to the value and worth of things.

This is to Laurie A. below...

"I am the one that brought up talking about budgets." Somehow, after getting to know you better through this site, I am not surprised by your answer...I bet your family has deemed you as the most organized person they have ever met. I just wish we lived closer as I know you'd have a positive influence on my ADD mind.

Best to you!

I have always been honest with my son about our finances. What I earn, what our bills average per month, what we have for extras. We decide together what to do with disposable income - go to a movie? go out to eat? Goofy Golf? board game?

I have been doing this with him since he was 6ish expanding the details as he matured. He is now 16 and knows our finances - it became more important in the past couple years when my income was slashed and we had to cut back.

The other plus to sharing our finances with him is that he has learned to save, and learned to plan for future expenses. He is responsible and understands the need for savings and planning.

Now, my family, that's a different story - I am more guarded with what I share with my sister - but that is a longer, more involved story. LOL

But, I do think children should understand the basics of household budgets. They may not need to know the exact dollar amounts, but they need to be taught the sheer economics of income versus expenses and understand what percentage must go to living expenses and savings and what percentage is "disposable" for fun.

We never went over our finances with our children! We just taught them to budget their own money. We taught them the value of money. When they became adults, they worked on their own finances. Another boy I know (family friend), however, came from a different kind of family and never learned to manage his money, kept getting debts, and we helped him straighten out his finances and went over budgeting twice. He's doing better, but his parents did him a disservice by not teaching him to budget himself - and the value of work, money, and not going into debt.

It's not taboo. If my kids ask me a question about money, I answer it. I know how much my parents make, generally what their bills are, etc., but no real details.

NO, I do NOT go over our budget with our kids. I would never place that kind of anxiety on a child. Money and bills isn't something a child should have to think about with any kind of seriousness. They are CHILDREN. They are only children for so long... let them be children.

My parents never really did - I think they just didn't want us to worry about it, and all we knew was that we didn't get everything we wanted, but we did get everything we needed, including tuition for college. My dad saved like crazy and invested wisely. He taught me the value of saving and putting money away in an IRA or 401K and investing smart. Now that both my parents are gone, we are reaping the benefits.

My daughter is only 5, so she has no idea about what we earn and I don't expect her to. What does happen sometimes is she will get whiny that I am going to work and she'll say she wishes Daddy was the veterinarian and then I could stay home with her all the time. I think she sees some of her friends who do have SAHMs and wishes Mom could be too. But then I just let her know that it's Mommy working that allows us to have the money to live in a nice house and do things like vacation at Disney World (Daddy works too, but my income is double his, and much more steady).

When she is older, I might consider going over how we might make X amount of money, but then show her where it all goes - taxes, mortgage, bills, food, etc. Not to burden her, but just to show her the reality of life, and how nothing is free. There are needs that must be met before we get to the "wants". However, I would be worried about her blabbing to others about how much we make, etc. One bit of advice I once heard about talking to kids about money was to not say "We can't afford that." because it sets up in their mind to think that if only they had more money, they get more of the things they want - making more money the key to happiness in life. What I try to tell my daughter is that whatever she thinks she wants right now we could get, but it means we don't have money for something else. I want my daughter to understand that we have choices in how we spend our money. Just this week they had a book fair at her school. She had picked a few books that were all $4 or $5 each - okay, fine. Then she wanted this Disney princess book that came with a light-up magic wand and it was $20. To that, I said no way. I told her she already had plenty of other light-up magic wand toys and I wasn't spending $20 on something like that. I also told her that for that amount of money for that one thing, she could pick out 3 or 4 more nice books that she could actually read. I don't want to say no to everything fun, but I don't want to spend ridiculous money on something so frivolous.
I would hope that if I have any discussion with my daughter about money, it is to teach her how money works, and how to make smart choices with what she does with it.

Pretty much like you. Never discussed details when I was growing up, and still don't.
As for our own kids, nope. I see it as just something the kids have to filter when they are hanging with their friends... Isn't that what kids do? "How much does YOUR Dad make?" "MY Dad makes $XXX" etc etc.

I do talk about budgeting with the kids though. I don't tell them the numbers, because it would really be too overwhelming for them. They are kids, not accustomed to dealing with those kinds of money in real terms. $50 in itunes cards seems like a ton of money to them. They understand that $100 sneakers are not something they are going to be getting.
I explain it to them more generally...
"Look, we have x amount of money to spend after we pay the house payment, the insurance on the cars, buy gas for the cars, and buy groceries. That has to pay for all the other stuff... so if we buy THIS then the money I was going to spend on THAT is gone and we can no longer buy THAT. BUT, if you think that THIS (cheaper but similar to item number 1) will do what you want/need, it saves y amount of money that we can then spend on THAT, although, it might have to be a less fancy version of THAT."

They get it. I do the same thing regarding Christmas and vacations... "I know you want ___, but if I buy that, then the money I use to pay for it won't be set aside for Christmas. And then there will be less money for Christmas gifts." (or vacation.... whatever is closer). And now that our son is 14, and he tells me he wants to go to the store when we are in town, I ask him what he wants to buy and why. Then remind him that in a short time he is going to be wanting to buy a car. Is he sure that the thing he wants NOW is worth not setting that money aside to use for his car later?

I have always tried to incorporate actual THINKING into the process of buying things with the kids. But I don't tell them, "Oh I have $500 of grocery money in my purse for the next couple weeks" when we are going to the grocery store. And I don't tell them what my husband's paycheck typically runs. I don't HIDE the statement or the checkbook though. So if they are curious enough, they can open it up and look.

I agree with the idea that it is more of a burden for them to know specific details about income when they are kids. Not everyone has the same income level, and I certainly don't want my kids to have some number floating in their head that comes into play when they are making choices about friends and stuff. They have enough social pressures without throwing money in there. And some of the $ stuff is blatant enough as it is.

ETA: After reading some of the other responses (and re-reading the OP) I wanted to add that regardless of whether you include your children (and to what degree) when discussing finances, it is fine to tell your kids you aren't buying them something. Sometimes I tell them the item isn't in the budget sometimes I just tell them "No, I'm not buying that." It really depends on what it is. If it is just something that I see as a waste of money or something I don't WANT them to have, then I just say so. And say "No, I'm not buying it". If it is something I would probably like them having, but I'm not sure whether it would be spoiling them to buy it, or I don't want to pay the price it is listed for, I might defer to "not in the budget" or "wait until it goes on sale and we'll talk about it again" or something.

I DO think that if every single time you tell your child that you aren't buying something, that you say it is because "it isn't in the budget"... then you are not doing your child any favors. They don't need to hear the "why". It can be a burden they shouldn't bear if EVERY SINGLE TIME you say "no" it is because "we can't afford it/it's not in the budget." That can make a child fearful. Totally unnecessary.

we have always talked about money with our kids. It is something they need to learn about early. My kids have all had to buy there own things that they want that are outside of our budget. (oldest kid wanted $200 rollerskates when she was in highschool) younger son wanted his own tv etc. so starting in first grade they got allowances. they learned to save. they were given savings bonds and had to buy their own cars. also pay their own insurance. I wish we had been able to provide everything but at the same time they learned valuable lessons about wants vs needs. I have friends who bought their kids cars, paid for college etc who's kids dropped out of either highschool and or college and can't hold jobs because mommy and daddy have always bailed them out. I have 4 kids 3 of which paid for their own college and have their own apartments and jobs and lives. We don't discuss with them how much we make / don't make. but we do discuss how much the house payment is, how much utility bills cost what groceries cost. I don't think a kid will be prepared for life if they don't have some understanding of what things can and do cost. so yes we discuss money in our house and always have. my grandchildren live with us right now as my daughter has just went though a divorce and is in between that and getting saved up to get her own place again. the grandkids now have jobs and allowance. your never to young to understand money.

We don't talk to our family member's about money. My parents on occasion have offered to buy us things when big items have broken (the big TV and heat pump). My in laws, who are horrible with money, have talked about us behind our backs and told us we are too tight with money. My SIL once stole the bank slip out of my hand when I took it from the ATM and read the balance. For over a year she expected me to pay for everything for her, until we got into a big fight and didn't speak for 8 months.

As for the kids, they have no concept of how much we make and I doubt we would tell them. I will tell them if I don't have enough money for something, I try to encourage saving and when your money is gone, it is gone. We have also used my SIL's poor choices when explaining why you have to work hard and save when you can.

I don't think a parent should sit down and go over their finances with their children, unless that childs demands are unreasonable and nothing short of hitting them over the head is going to make an impact.

My children are aware that money is tight, they know that just cause they want something I'm not going to run out and get it. They understand that I have to work it into our budget. They have just about everything they want, and all that they need.

Also, if they ask how much dad makes, I tell them. It's not a secret, I don't see any reason to make it a secret.

I don't share financial information with anyone except maybe my sister. I believe that that information is not for children; heck if you tell the kids, next thing you know all of their friends know and then their parents and so on. It is no one's business but mine and hubby's.

Now, if we were RICH I might feel differently since that wouldn't cause any stress to the child, but since we're not, it's my problem, not hers.

I think "it's not in the budget right now" is a good answer, but if your kids are old enough, explain what a budget is also. Even if my kids ask for something we can afford, I sometimes say no because it's not good for them to get everything they want. Or, if my older daughter (who is almost 9 and she loves clothes and shoes) wants an extra leotard or boots or something, I usually make her earn at least half the money for the item.

I would explain the difference between needs and wants. You could tell the kids things they need (a safe place to sleep, food, love) will always be there. Tell them we don't always get what we want (certain toys, clothes, etc). And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I'm with you. My parents never discussed their finances with me and I don' t discuss my finances with my son. It is not his concern it is mine. I would never burden my child with my adult finances or issues. It is his childhood and he only gets one and I want it to be carefree, just as my parents did for me. I didn't know and still don't know how much my parents make but I never went without and I know how to take care of my finances. You can talk to your children about money without having to involve them in your personal finances. My son gets an allowance from me and he know that he has to put 50% off it in the bank and he's free to spend the rest. That way he's getting use to the idea of saving. He also knows if there is a toy he really really wants to continue to save up till he can afford it. I'm teaching him how to manage his money without bringing up mine.

You need to do what is right for your family. And I'm sure some parents feel no need to "hide" their finances from their kids but to me I'm not hiding it I'm just not burdening my child with it. Beside, if I told my son how much I make he'd think I was rich!! HA!! Not realizing all the bills that consume my paycheck.

Do what you feel is right and best of luck!
CK1

My family was like yours pretty much and I'm doing the same with my kids. One reason is kids do tell personal business so what they dont know, they can't tell. But i also think it's not really kids' business. If things aren't in the budget, that should be that. In our case, we can afford to spend more than we do but I'm certainly not telling my kids that! I want them to value everything we buy for them even if it wasn't a financial hardship for us. I think it's best if kids DO think parents are skimping and saving to give them the best they can. Creates a culture of gratitude and hopefully trains them to work hard.