A Stay at Home Mom of 2 , How Do You Make It Work?

Sorry no advice I just wanted to read the responses, I am soon to be a mom of 2 and would like to know also.

I have two also, ages, 4 and 20 months. What we have done that seems to be working for us is to have a schedule. My 4 year old loves to have a schedule to follow, and likes to know what to expect next. I keep a whiteboard up in the kitchen saying the times and what we do at those times...even though she can't read, it helps me to refer to the board when she asks for something. Like a snack when it's not snack time and t.v. when it's quiet time etc. Then the younger one will slowly learn the schedule as well. It has helped keep me a little saner:-) Also, trying to have one on one time with my oldest while the younger one is napping has been very good.

I know me personally, my daughter was born just two weeks prior my son's second birthday. He was great. He would help me with her when she was a baby. As she got older, I would take them to parks, storytime at the library. He would play with her, and they are best friends now. Even though they fuss, they still love eachother. I just involved their activities together. Also I was and still am a firm believer in naps.

Hopes this helps.

D.

Hi P.,
I'm a SAHM with 3 kids. (A 5 year old girl, 3 year old girl and a 20 mo old boy) I have found that having two kids was MUCH easier than having one. My girls play and entertain eachother most of the day. It's great. However, throwing one more into the mix has been different. It's harder. However, I let my kids lead the way really. They play ALOT of dress up. That is my favorite too. My 20 month old just trots along and plays beside them. We also do a lot of cooking projects. My kids love to cook and then have their "creation" for dinner. Plus, they are learning valuable life skills. My kids even like to help clean up, like washing dishes and wiping off the counters. I put the youngest in the high chair, pull it into the kitchen and give him a snack so he can be part of it all too. He is almost to the age of being able to really help.
It sure isn't easy trying to entertain all of them. However, getting out and about is important too. Go out and smell flowers and plants. Watch the clouds go by and see what they look like. Make art out of anything they can find outside. Play touch and feel with the baby. Let them get dirty. That is fun stuff! Most importantly, let them have lots of time together to create their special sibling relationship. It will pay off 500 fold when they are older.
Good luck and have fun!

I too stayed at home with my daughter and loved it. When my son came along, I was blown away by how much harder having two was. My daughter was almost 5, so that part was easier, but my son was VERY difficult!

When I start to go crazy, we get out of the house! For your sanity, choose a place that you can easily manage both kids (a very large park that isn't busy, a mall play area). I highly recommend you start your daughter in preschool. It would only be 2 half days a week, but it makes a HUGE difference and gives your son a chance to have you all to himself. Or, if you're really lucky, he'll sleep and you'll have alone time. Also, check into your local community centers to see if they have play groups. Enlist your daughter to help with the baby as much as she will, make most of dinner during nap time or when they are occupied to prevent the pre-dinner melt-downs.

Most of all, forgive yourself for a messy house, and keep reminding yourself that your most important job is your kids. Play with them! If you need a break when hubby gets home, take one! Even if it is just 10 minutes by yourself in your room, or a walk around the block.

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait for tomorrow,
For babies grow up, I've learned, to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.
(Ruth Hulburt Hamilton)

You bet some type of structure for the day is a big help. Kids need to know what to expect; they feel safe to explore that way, and they know you are there for them when you provide some type of schedule for them. That doesn't mean you have to be so rigid you can't flex when something comes up, though. Expectations for regular meals, outdoor play, quiet time, naps, reading time, cleanup, bathtime and bedtime are important.
As to what types of activities for kids with a range of ages, try alternating something quiet with something more rowdy. The quiet activity can be one where the older child is within your reach (e.g. play dough at a short table or on a vinyl mat on the floor nearby) while you sit and interact with the baby, playing floor games with him. Then the rowdy game can be something outdoors where you are chasing or climbing on play equipment with both of them, or tucking them into one of those jogging strollers and taking off for a run.
Both can listen to the same story while climbing around on your lap, or taking turns holding a special stuffed animal or pillow while you read. And dancing and making music with simple percussion instruments can be done with both kids at once. I have kids with varying ages and both typical and special needs kids, so I have lots more ideas; these are just a few. But there's a start!

Deep breathing & precious alone time is how I try to stay sane.

I have three girls and they are all pulling me one direction or another. I've heard moms say: you just have to sacrifice your time for your kids. I don't do very well with that statement though. I've found that if I get a little alone time for me it's sooo.... much easier to deal with the demands from my kids. My husband and I work out a schedule each week when I can have "my time", and he knows that's the day he is taking care of the kids. That way I get what I want and I'm not feeling guilty about "neglecting" my girls. And my attitude becomes so much better.

A lot of times I think as moms we are afraid to ask for what we need and want, thinking that we either have to do it all or it has to be done our way. If we are willing to give up some of our "responsibilities" we can break free from the frustrations and stresses we face each day.

I also think there is too much pressure for us as moms to preform at a certain level: don't let you kids do "this", make sure your kids are doing "this", if your kids don't do "this" by "this" age then...?, "this" is bad for your kids, "this" will make your kids better, etc, etc, etc.

I say do what you know you and your kids need at that moment. If I need to sit down at the computer for a few minutes, I just let the kids watch a little t.v. Sometimes we have dessert everyday, sometimes we don't. What I'm saying is, live your life for you and your kids. You know them best and you know what they need. I have found that making kids conform to a different standard than they are used to just makes EVERYTHING more difficult.

I know that kids need A LOT of physical activity as well. They have SO much energy that needs to be let loose. Take your kids to the park, or just outside in your yard. I know that sidewalk chalk and bubbles have saved my day a few times.

Kids also need to know that you are paying attention to them. Sometimes it only takes 5-10 minutes of doing something with them and they will feel satisfied. Or maybe let them "help" you with what you are doing.

Hope that helps you out a bit!

I'm not sure about a strict schedule, but I do know that a regular routine (with flexibility) works great! It helps the kids know what's going to happen on any given day. Let's say that on ever M,W,F you go to the park or play group before lunch, knowing this helps them and you plan. I also found that giving them a "5 minute" warning of when play time is over or it's lunch time or whatever helps. Getting involved with other moms with similar aged children is also great.

My first daughter is 3 1/2 and my second just turned one last week. I am totally with you on being exhausted at the end of the day. It's defintely harder with 2 kids than it was with one. Some of the things I do are:

~ While the younger one is having a snack in the highchair, I give the older one an art project to do at the table. That way, she gets to do something that challenges her and is fun, and we're all together. Then you can go throw some laundry in, or do something real quickly while they are both occupied.

~ If the older one wants to play with dolls, or something with small parts that the younger one can't get, I have her play in her room and tell her that she has to keep all her "big girl" toys away from her sister so that she'll be safe. It makes her feel important that she doesn't have to share certain toys, because most of the toys she does have to share.

~ When my younger daughter is taking a nap, I'll use part of the time to snuggle with my oldest and the other part to get some things done around the house while my oldest watches a short movie or TV show. That way, she can watch her favorite show without the younger one having to watch TV too, and I can get something done.

Mostly, we are all together and just try to make it work. My kids are opposite personalities of yours. My oldest is very tempermental and having trouble sharing. She gets angry at my youngest still and has agression towards her. I can't leave them alone because my oldest will usually hurt the youngest in some way. It's been really challenging. It's also hard because my oldest wants to go outside and play, but my youngest is still crawling. So, I can't really bring her out with us. So, we usually end up going outside when the youngest naps in the afternoon. I just have to keep in mind that everything is a season. Some seem longer than others, but they will pass and the age gap won't be such an issue soon. I hope some of that helps a little. Take care and I'm glad you're enjoying your kids.

P....I say it absolutely helps to have a strict schedule. Kids absolutely THRIVE on predictability. Also...do you have your 3 year old in a preschool program? At her age, there are lots of them for 2 mornings per week (or afternoons) and then next year she would bump up to 3 per week.

Also...don't give up on naptime. Is your 3 year old still napping? If not, reinstate it. Don't fall for the "she refuses to nap" thing. Just make a naptime routine and tell her it's naptime. If she chooses to just play quietly in her room or something so be it but call it naptime and do it everyday. Time it for when your little one takes the afternoon nap and then sit down and catch a little catnap or read a book or something. Sometimes getting a little down time for yourself can give you the extra energy you need to get through the rest of your day.

Good luck...it absolutely is not easy. But the good (or bad) news is that they grow up so fast and soon this phase will be a memory.

L.

P.S. I'm a 38 year old sahm to 8 and 5 year old girls. I've been married for 10 years.

Three is a hard age. They are trying to become more independent and yet they still very much need you. It is the age. We didn't add to our family until our son was 5-1/2 and I can tell you that when he was three, I was going nuts. I found a pre-school that he could go to 2 days a week (3-1/2 hours long) and that helped me a lot. It may help you too in that while your daughter is at preschool, you have alone time with your 10 month old. Then when the 10 month old naps you have alone time with your 3 year old. The rest of the time they just share.

Also, Dad can really help by taking the 3 year old on little dates once a week. It will fill her up even more. When kids feel full of love, they can more easily play more on their own.

Hi P.-
I never knew it would be this hard with two either. My girls are almost 4 (next week) and 21 months. The personality of my girls is almost like night and day, and the youngest is super clingy which make it hard for everyone to 'play together.' Right now I think going on walks or playing outside is something that you all can do and enjoy. Then when your youngest is older, you can start to do crafty stuff. My youngest got into playdough probably around 18 mon. and it's easier to do both playing with that. Schedules and activities do help, but I feel like I tote my older daughter everywhere and the younger just has to go along- which she doesn't like too much. They both do swimming lessons and that's kinda nice to have them both in the same type activity. My saving grace is pre-school. Since my oldest hasn't napped in about a year, I've had hardly any one on one time with the little one, so the pre-school time has helped enormously. And of course the older one gets alone time when the little one naps. It's been really hard to feel like I'm spreading myself evenly between the two girls, but as long as I get a little alone time with each each day, I think it's okay. Let me know if you have any other questions!
K.

I am a SAHM of a 16 mth old girl and a 4 yo boy. That first year of my daughter's life was literally the most exhausting, difficult time of my life. Granted, I did have some health problems, but besides that, I found it really hard to keep everone entertained, loved, washed, fed, and do everything for the house too. I had to really focus on taking it one day at a time, and eventually it gets easier and easier. Once your son learns to walk and plays with your daughter a little more, it will be so much different.

As the weather gets a little nicer, you guys can go dig in the dirt and do outside stuff which will help a lot. The library is also a mutual like for them. Let's see...we have a box of dress-up clothes which my daughter got into early so they did a lot of that. My son also loves "reading" baby books to his sister. I also found that they both liked to do pretend housework. They have a little broom, a kid's cooking set, a duster, a shopping cart, baby stroller, etc. that they spend a lot of time working with.

We've never had a strict schedule, but a schedule of some kind is necessary for us. It's the only way we can get things done sometimes! And the only way we can get a break here and there. Regular bedtimes save our sanity. Like I said though, it will get easier as time goes on and your little one can get around and start talking a bit. Have fun!

I have set up a play room in our house where I know they are pretty safe. It is a must-have for us because my husband works away for 3 weeks at a time. If I didn't have certain areas where the kids were safe, I wouldn't get anything done.

Another thing I do is block off certian areas of the house at times of the day. So that later when I open the room, it's a new place to play. (We live in Alaska, and outside play in the winter is difficult with the baby and the toddler sliping on the ice)

As far as having organized activities, I try to do something with the older one when the baby is sleeping, but mostly they play together.

I hope this helps.

I stay at home with our 9 month old and 4 1/2 year old. It is hard to get everybody doing something at once, most of the olders toys are choking hazards for my little one. Luckily my son loves to ride his bike so I push or pack the baby around the neighborhood. My older has gotten very jealous of my time. So he gets me to hiself during nap time. It also helps that my older is in preschool two days a week, gives me the one on one with the baby.

I'd love to hear some suggestions too!

J.

I understand your frustration I am a SAHM of two girls 19 mo and 5 mo. I agree with Paulette that schedules help but you need to remain flexible. If you are strict about it then you will get very frustrated when things don't go as they are scheduled to go and you don't need to add more frustration. Also if you are to strict your kids will feel off as well if one of them gets sick or you are vacationing and things are changed.
What has worked best for me is to have a routine rather than a schedule. Nothing is done by a certain time in my house it is more of a routine. My eldest has had the same routine since she was a couple months old. For example; she wakes up and has some milk, then she goes down for a morning nap, after she wakes up from that she goes about her day but then goes down for an afternoon nap after 3 hours. She knows her afternoon nap is coming. This has helped on vacation because even if she sleeps in she knows that after a few hours of being up she will have a nap. And if I have to be somewhere early I just wake her up and give her milk eariler so we get a early sart.
Obviously this can be tricky with two, as they can want totally differnt things but I think if you just stick to a routine rather than a schedule they and you will be able to cope with changes more easily.
As far as activities it can be hard if your child only wants to play with you and isn't an independent player. I would try letting them have some "alone" time with toys with you in the room, my daughter likes coloring and playing with cars and music toys. Sometimes they just need you near but not completely involved in their activity. I hope this helps.

I have 3 kids, 15 months apart, then just over a year apart. I agree with a lot of the others on here... schedule, WITH flexibility of course! I used a phrase that a friend turned me on to when I was prego with number 2, "Momma's hands are busy". I got used to saying it, my then barely toddler was used to hearing it and it is still a common phrase here. If I can't get to whatever it is my kid/s need at that EXACT moment, that is what they hear (and now that they are older - with a little more explanation of why momma's hands are busy and when I will be there to help) I also attended a MOMS group in my area that I depended on for regular outside world contact with other moms just like mylself. Please don't forget about yourself during these years while the kids are so needy. Of course they need you, but when you are feeling happier, everyone around you will too. It was so important for me to have that "me" time. I would walk around Target at 8:00pm BY MYSELF for how ever long I wanted. Just one example. Enjoy this time and use the time while the lil one is sleeping to do activities like coloring or playdoh (make your own:).

The thing that has helped me to stay somewhat sane is I have a babysitter come once a week for 4 hours during the day. I have a 21 month old boy and 4 month old girl. I can't even tell you how much those 4 hours a week save me. I can get soooo much done, or workout, or even just going to breakfast by myself and reading a book is such a treat. I felt really guilty about it at first because I quit my job so I could stay at home and I felt like that was my job so I shouldn't have someone else doing it. But I feel that I am able to be a better mom because I make that time for myself.

I'm afraid I don't have much advice to share... just had to shake my head as I read about your challenge, given the day I just had with my 3 1/2 yo boy and 10 month old girl... I feel the same way and today was one of *those* days... I too love being home with my kids but the intensity is definitely kicked up a notch since my daughter arrived.

One thing you might consider - the local YMCA is becoming a bigger part of our lives - my son is LOVING the play area and that gives me some time with my daughter in the pool. The reverse is also true, with watching my son in swim lessons while my daughter is in the nursery... Just started going this week with both of them so we'll see how it works... sometimes it takes so much effort to get them out and juggle them around for the different activities, locker room etc that I'm tempted to just stay home and play in the yard... better weather is coming... good luck to you and thanks for the assurance that I'm doing the right thing for my kids and that I'm not alone.

Hi P., the best thing that worked for me with two boys was to cut back a little on what I expected myself to accomplish, slow down my pace for my older son's sake and then INCLUDE him in almost every little task I did. Trust me - give him the option of a: help Mommy do this or b: play cars and blocks and your child will chose which interests him/her and even if they change their mind, they will feel so much more needed and loved this way. Oh - homemade playdough - take a little effort, but hours of fun. Way better than store bought. Try having your little one sing for the baby, draw pic's for baby, dance etc... sometimes a "whisper" story with the 3 of you snuggled together works great for your need to relax too. Don't forget the cup of herbal tea for you!

I am a stay at home mom of 3 sometimes 4 when my step son is here. Sometimes things get pretty crazy (the toothfairy has even forgotten to come on occasion) but I try to give each child 1 day a month, where just the 2 of us go do something. Doesnt seem like a lot but they love it. My kids all love to go to the "coffee shop" with mom to get hot chocolate and a snack. I have been doing this with them since they were babies. Of course parks when it is warmer. We go to the mall and I will just get a coffee and let them play in the play area. Your 3 1/2 year old might be interested in something called "letterboxing" , my 2 1/2 yo and 5 yo love this. It is like treasure hunting. They have a lot of kid friendly hunts. Go to www.atlasquest.com they have all the details there. Regal Cinemas in our area put on free movies in the summer time, I always took the kids and didn't feel bad if we had to leave or if my baby was loud. Most of the families in there are in the same situation. HOpe some of that helps!

Schedules do help, as long as they,(and you!)remain flexible. One of the most important things that we can do for our families is make sure that each child (and husband) regularly gets "all" of our attention each day--even if it is is doled out in 20 minute increments! We all crave being the full center of someone's universe, and after the birth of a new baby--who needs SO much of our time, an older sibling can get to feeling pretty left out. And so can our husbands!

And so can we! I think it's just as important to "do" for ourselves something special each day "just" for us, so do something just for you each day. Doesn't have to be something large--a half hour for a pedicure, a cuppa something fabulous, a bouquet of supermarket flowers; a "new" book from Grammy's Books in St. Helens--an afternoon off once in a while--it doesn't really matter WHAT you do for you, but the fact that you do it, and do it regularly, is what is important. Being a wife and mother is the most important "job" in the world, and one of the most exhaustive. It's so easy for us to pour so much of our "selves" out to meet others needs that we find that we don't have anything left to give at the end of the day if we don't make some time to just "be".

P.

YES YES YES to the strict schedule!! At this age it is the ONLY way to keep your sanity....my only other hint is that your oldest child should get some mommy time while the little one is down for a nap...it doesn't have to be anything more than helping with a chore or a quick story but just set aside about 20mins of one on one this will help with jealousy issues.

I was a stay at home Mom too. My boys are all grown and I will never regret the choice I made to stay with them.
I do remember how hard it was to go from one child to two children.
It was the most difficult situation as my " new baby" had colic and cried for 4 straight months. My husband was having problems with drinking so he was no help. As a matter of fact, I left him when my second child was about 2 months old.
I will say that it will get easier. You will find the right routine for you and your family. It took about 6-8 months for me to have a good system going!
I would suggest that you cut corners when it comes to the small stuff. Such as buying the pre-made meals instead of cooking all the time.
They are really good tasting and there are so many to choose from.Lazagna, cooked meats ready to heat and even canned are good.
Most discount stores have great deals. Walmart has a large selection. I still eat alot of ready made meals. I no longer have 3 very hungry boys consuming gigantic amounts of food constantly!
I also cooked large amounts of food when I had a moment and froze many meals. That made it easy to feed the 2 year old. I just popped it into the microwave!
I included my oldest in helping with the baby.I sang songs and read books when we had a bit of time alone. We walked to the park alot to keep my oldest busy and tired (if I was lucky!)
And last but not the easiest, I recall learning to fall asleep at the drop of a hat so I could get enough rest.
I took naps instead of scrubbing my dirty house. Houses get dirty...and it is not the end of the world to put it on the back burner until you have more energy when the baby gets a bit older.
You asked about a schedual...well, they are good if you can accept not following them when things go haywire! And they will. Its life and life never stayes on "our" schedual!
If straying off your schedual will cause you to become upset and judgmental towords yourself, I would make it VERY flexible!
Make everything you do a learning experience for the oldest. Talk about what you are doing and why. It may not seem like fun foir a child, but it beats sitting the kid in front of the TV for 7 hours a day!
Anyway, goodluck sweety, I know you will do a great job!
God Bless all the mothers who ask questions and get support. It shows that your children #1! And you are their #1 Mom...who get it right no matter what!
God Bless and take care, K. Z

P. - I'm a mommy to one (hoping to be mommy to two soon!) and I can tell you, this question has been crossing my mind a lot lately! My own mother had 5 kids, all within ten years (starting with twins.) From what I remember, my mother had very firm "me times." Times when she got what SHE wanted. Either the older kids took the baby into the playroom for half an hour to play, without her...or the older kids played by themselves, no exceptions, while Mommy took care of the baby. We had a generously sized playroom in the basement, and whenever we were noisy or just too much to handle, that's where she sent us. Does that help? I'm trying to do something similar with my daughter, and it seems to be working. When I need to cook dinner, she has two options - she can go play with her toys, or she can sit in her crib for ten minutes if she's going to cry! She's pushing 18 months, so she's starting to understand the concept.

It is harder than I thought too! Ours are 3 years and 2 months old. We have certain small things scheduled, but I find it easier and less stressful to go with the flow most days. My 3 year old helps me with most baby related things all day, and I feed her or give her something to do whenever I feed the baby so she's occupied. Or we watch tv together while baby's nursing. When daddy gets home they get time with him while I run errands alone, or sometimes I take one child so they each get one on one time with us. I find it hardest to take them both anywhere by myself, and I'd rather stay home all day now! Good luck, you're definitely not alone!

I have to say I am not perfect at this but I have asked myself the same questions that you have. So here is what I do. First I need to say that I also loved my job and decided to stop to stay at home with my kids. So I like to keep busy and have some where to go in public so I try to find other mom's and do play groups where both my kids can play with others kids their age. When we are home I try to do some one on one with my 4 year old we do workbook pages and practice writing letters or computer games. I do this when my son is napping. When she is at preschool I make sure to give my 18 month old son my time. I take him to the a library storytime or the park. I just make sure to get one on one time with each of my kids as much as I can even if it is only a few hours. It helps me and I think them too. Also my husband does daddy daughter dates and daddy son dates with them once a month. They love that. They also do that with their grandparents one on one.

Hello,
It's hard. Mine are 7 and almost 5 and so it's easy now. They self entertain. When they were younger it was worse. I was so stressed out that I had chronic anxiety. We live out in the country so there are no outlets close by like a park or child friendly activities. It was all up to me. The difference in developmental stages are more disruptive for our youngest than our oldest. The youngest wants to copy big brother, but he just hasn't matured to the skill level because they are three years apart. He still struggles with this daily. During the good weather, we spent a lot of time outside in our tiny blow up pool or getting dirty in the garden and squishing bugs. I was tired all the time because their sleeping habits were unusual. Getting them outside was the best thing. I could relax in a chair sipping juice, or prune shrubs and garden without having to keep an eye on them every second. My boys have grown to love pruning. Your 10 mo old is too young for that, but if you like flowers and natural things, they can help you pick out flowers at the nursery and all of you can plant some pots in your yard. Also they can plant seeds in the house that they can water each day and watch them grow.
So, How do you make it work? You just do. You love your kids and do what it takes to raise them.
Here's some other suggestions that would be good for both:
Picnic in the yard (Have them both help decide on what to have and have them help make it.)
Finger painting (Very messy, but fun)
Drawing or coloring
Walks around the yard exploring the sights and sounds.
Collect leaves and other plants
start a small garden with edible plants and herbs
Get them into swimming lessons
Find a local play group
Put your 3 yr old into pre-school (Gives you more down time.)
Play dress up
Trust me, it gets easier.
Good luck. - A.

veggie tales, toys, coloring books, reading to them a lot. Also having a little tikes slide in living room helped me a lot when I just had two.

My oldest showed an interest very early in learning his abc's and 123's. I provided him with workbooks and he worked in them when he wanted to. He ended up almost needing to skip kindergarten.

I also lived in Eugene when my first kids were little and the Gateway Mall had an indoor playground. Great for rainy days. I also went places when I didn't really need to just to get out for fresh air.

Now is the time to teach your three and a half year old to clean up, do the dishes, sweep the floor, wash windows, water plants, etc. My kids got a kick out of helping Mommy.

When my now 3 year old was two I was amazed that he knew where everything went in the kitchen. My 10 year old daughter had taught him most of his body part names too. It is amazing what little sponges they are.

At 4 my daughter wanted to have tea everyday which was great. We would have our tea party around two and then we would have quiet time/nap time afterward. She also loved Blues Clues and had her own notebok to put clues in.

I don't know if that helps....

Hello P.,
I am the 26 year old of 3 boys ages 5, 4 and 3. This may not work for you, but the way I divided my time with three kids is I had a schedule! I had a schedule that started from the time they wake up, the time they ate breakfast, naptime, playtime, reading time, bathtime and bedtime. In this schedule I included time to clean and "me" time. It can be done as long as you are task oriented and willing to stick to a schedule. With three boys and husband who is either deployed most of the time or in the field, a schedule saved my sanity! They are excellent kids and I was even able to work some while my husband deployed because the babysitter stuck to my schedule. I kept my house clean (can't stand a nasty unorganized house) and I was able to dedicate some one on one time with them each in the afternoon. You gotta do what works for you, but a schedule is extremely helpful!