A Question About Sleeping Arrangements

When My son was little I put him in the living room and that was his bedrrom until he was about 1 years old. By then he was sleeping all night and was a much better room mate.

Wow- I'm surprised that there was so much opinion that this is somehow hurting your stepson. Didn't catch how old Ashton is- but kids need to learn to deal with things in life... I think you did the right thing. It's not going to hurt him to learn to share, and he's known it's been coming.

As for the CIO method, there may be other options- but in the end, it's the only thing that worked for me. You're right that he's waking up that often as he expects it from you- he's in a routine... I didn't let my son cry it out until well after he was sitting up in the crib (really tough)- I tried everything, but try to think of crying as a way of him trying to express himself... I honestly think it was harder on me than him. If you do it, it usually only takes a couple of nights.

can you offer to let your stepson sleep on the couch for a while? the bedroom would still be theirs together, but your stepson might like the option of not having to sleep in the same room until 10 month old learns to sleep better- you said he is a light sleeper; your stepson will probably be waking him up a lot then too, not on purpose, just that kids can be noisy sleepers...

oh, and you could try white noise to help the 10 month old sleep better, whether stepson is in the room or not.

You need to be sure that you respect your step-son as much as possible. With only a two bedroom house, this will be difficult. Perhaps offering him some ear-plugs to sleep with? Does Ashton wake up and cry during the night even when you're not there? If he does, this could cause more problems for your step-son than you realize, mainly that he needs good, un-interrupted sleep too. Would it be an option to move Ashton into the living room to sleep for a while, just long enough that he can start sleeping through the night completely before moving him into your step-son's room? You also need to make sure that anger/voilence won't be an issue. If your step-son is upset, that's one thing... but if he will act out based on his anger, it is not a good thing to put them in the same room if he has ready access to Ashton in his crib. Maybe offering your step-son a reward for his sharing a room (ie: a loft-bed/bunk-bed, a new dresser, or something else) would help make him feel better and let him know that you understand that it's not going to be easy, but it has to happen... let him know that you care and are sorry that things have to be that way, but that sometimes we have to do things we don't like, even if it's not easy.

My question would be how old is your step-son? And what do you mean by he gets angry at the baby when he cries. Would he ever hurt him in the middle of the night just to try to get some peace and quiet? I understand the lack of space and having to combine. I am just a little worried about how the older one will truly react to having the baby in his room.

I can't tell from your post if your stepson lives with you full-time or is just there part-time.

If he lives with you full-time, you need to find another area of the house for him to sleep in--the living room, a cot in the kitchen, wherever. If you want to let your youngest CIO, it could (potentially) take a long time, and your stepson deserves uninterrupted sleep. (But who knows, it might only take your youngest a night or two...)

I guess since he's 7, I would ask your stepson what he prefers doing. Does he want to stay in the room and tough it out for a few nights and see how it goes? Does he want to sleep on the couch? You are the adult, but try to get as much input as you can from him.

Whatever you do, make sure you let your stepson know that you appreciate him sharing a room or having different sleeping arrangements for awhile. If he has to sleep elsewhere, make it as nice as you can for him--maybe a new pillow or blanket or something like that.

I am one who doesn't believe in a child crying themselves to sleep, I think it doesn't give them the peaceful sleep needed, but that is my opinion. When my granddaughter is here, I have always rocked and sang to her. I will play soothing CD's and make it very peaceful for her. Rocking and cuddling is something they don't do for a long time, maybe up to 2 if you are lucky. After they get into their own bed, it might take a few times of laying next to them while they go to sleep, but soon they will be able to sleep on their own.

My suggestion for the step son issue. Put the baby to bed before the stepson. Have some white noise in the room so he will sleep through the night. It will be an adjustment for everyone, but you all can adjust just fine to the new arrangements.

I would explain to your stepson about the process and then ask him if he would rather tough it out in his bedroom or sleep on the couch, mattress on your bedroom floor, or some other comfortable location until the little one is sleeping better.
The process doesn't take a long time. Your little one will be sleeping good soon. Hang in there.
There are other "teaching your baby how to sleep" techniques that don't include crying it out. You could check into those too.

Hi J..

First of all, just wanted to pitch in my support for the "crying it out" method. It was the only thing that worked with my daughter. Some babies are just too assertive for anything else (and in the case of my daughter, also too easily stimulated by another person). Lucky moms who never had our problems! My daughter is now a very happy (and assertive) two and a half year old.

Also wanted to give my support to you as a step-mom and regular mom. Since my stepson came to live with us, I have thought about how people always saying being a mom is the most under-appreciated job. But, actually, being a step-mom is - we don't even get a holiday!

I already read the "what happened". I think the new bunk beds was a great idea - your stepson gets something new along with the change of having his brother share his room.

I definitely wouldn't force your step son to deal with the baby "crying it out". This is really unfair to him. Even if it is true that he'll be ultimately sharing a room with the little one. First of all, he could perceive this as you dumping responsibility on him to find a way to soothe the baby. Secondly, he is your step son. He may feel resentment that his needs are not being met. Especially if he is not getting a good night's sleep on a school night, and has suddenly had to give up his room, and precious space and privacy for this "new" child. Not to mention, he also may have or still be going through adjustments just getting used to the idea of you and his dad being married, and aside from dealing with the new sibiling is trying to make sense of where he will fit in the picture. If he has any issues with this new child "replacing" him, as is common with many siblings, this will only make his feelings all the more intense. Likewise, if he has any percieved issues in his mind, not necessarily reality that may be known, or unknown to you about "losing" his father and his affections to the new sibling and "you" the new step mom, this could possibly create a problem.

I think for you, this could be a little more complicated. I definitely wouldn't ask him to sleep on the couch like he's a house guest. And as I said before, I really think making him put up with a tantruming baby is a bad idea. Even if your step-son is not verbalizing it. As one poster mentioned, do you really know how your 7-year-old will cope with the stress of a crying baby? Think how you have been feeling, now imagine a 7-year-old with not mature enough to deal with a crying baby.

I think you need to talk with him honestly and find out how he feels about this. Find out if he's harboring resentment and deal with those issues first, before worrying about getting the baby used to not being with you. This sleeping arrangment won't work if your older son has issues, or doesn't have the temperment to deal with this. No one knows how long it will be before the 10 mos old will be able to sleep on his own. It could be months! I had a son who would not sleep on his own until he was 2. There are alot of uncontrollable factors to consider here. I guess I'd first address the most important one, your older son and his needs. Emotionally speaking, the 10 mos old is going to be just fine. He will also eventually grow out of this night-time crying stuff. But you might not easily overcome any issues that might come up if your older son is feeling disregarded. The effects could be long reaching. Is a few nights of peaceful sleep worth it?

The idea of putting the baby's crib in the hall is a good idea to get him used to sleeping on his own. Or maybe wait on moving him out of your room until just before the new baby arrives and explain to the 10 mos old that its now time for the little arrival to be w/mom. Of course all the while preparing him mentally, that he'll be moving out soon to make room for the baby. I think this is different than doing this with the older son because you don't have the added issues mentioned earlier with the 10 month old. I definitely would wait until summer vacation if possible, so that the older boy isn't sleep deprived while trying to go to school. That in itself has got to be a lot for the little guy to deal with.

I wish I had more transitioning ideas. There is alot of good information on sleeping arrangements in several of Dr. Sear's books. One I can think of on the top of my head is called "Nighttime parenting". I hope this food for thought helps.

How about if you have your 7 yr. old get ready for bed, and then leave his bedroom till you get the baby to sleep, and then have him sneak in there to bed. That way he wont have to listen to the little one cry, because it wont be when he's in there. If you make the switch in the summer it wouldn't be as bad if he got to bed a little late. I hope that idea helps.

Perhaps the hallway would be a good temporary option for your baby? I personally wouldn't move your stepson because kids have enough trouble with sibling rivalry/jealousy and kicking brother out could make things worse. I always try to make transitions in the family dynamic as un-disruptive as possible.

When I teach my kids to sleep (we also have only two bedrooms) I have the baby in the living room which is right outside our bedroom and I use a similar technique as you which has worked marvelously with my first two. People still ask me how I get my kids to go to bed and then sleep so well!

Wow, I can't believe how people are responding to this request! CIO is a fine method! Your stepson will survive a crying baby in his room, but I do agree that maybe having him sleep on the couch, or even in your room for a couple nights is a good idea. It only takes a few nights for the babies to learn that no one is coming in to get them during the night. As for it being a 'critical stage' because of seperation anxiety, well that can last until they are 18 months, do you really want to get up all night long for 8 more months? Your child is not learning that you don't care about them, but that night time is for sleeping, not for mommy time. Wow, seriously, people who are so opinionated should offer suggestions, not condemn you. You are a great mom for even being concerned about the whole situation. If I were in your shoes I would do the same thing. You are the parent and you need to do what is best for your family. In a few months he will forget al about it! Our 10 month old sleeps from 7pm to 7am because we let her cry. It was hard! But man is she a happier baby now, and so am I because I get sleep! Good luck!

My suggestion would be to move your step son to another room of the house till you get you little one sleeping throught the night. It took a little less then a week to get ours sleeping throught the night and we just let him cry it out. The trick for us was you can't go into the room, otherwise ours just got more upset and then the only way I could calm him down was to feed him and I didn't want to get into that routine. So whether it was 2 minutes or 2 hours I just had to let him be. Now he is a great sleeper at night! I'd also explain to you step son that you are not kicking him out of his room you are just trying to teach the little one how to sleep. I'd also recommend like a sound machine or some noise so that when your step son moves back into the room he won't be woken up by his big brother when he goes to bed. I hope that this helps. Good luck!

It would be really unfair to your step-son to expect him to "tolerate" a crying child at 1:00 AM and then 3:00 AM. A 7 year old child needs his sleep. This doesn't help you, but you need a larger house. Two bedrooms for five people won't work. I don't think you really have many options. You either sacrifice your step-son's happiness and sleep for your own or you continue to "tolerate" Ashton yourself. Perhaps you could wait until the step-son isn't in school to try to move Ashton. That way sleep depravation and sheer anger for a few days until AShton gets the hang of sleeping without you won't really matter.

I'd put more energy into encouraging your stepson than anything else. No kid likes to share a room with a crying baby, and if your SS wasn't looking forward to sharing his previously private space, you could have a lot more trouble brewing than just loss of sleep. We live in a small house, too and the kids all know that at some point they will have to share rooms (sometimes three to a room). In exchange for their tolerance as we work a little one into sleeping away from mom, I let them start bedtime on the couch or in the basement (moving them to their bed later when baby is alseep), offer them incentives (more computer, TV, play time, later bedtime on occasion, etc.) or even pay cold, hard cash. My youngest daughter, 10 yrs old, gets $1 a night to put up with the baby until he falls asleep, plug his pacifier back in when he wakes, etc., so that I don't have to come in and deal with him. But she also has to wake up happy and uncomplaining about whatever she had to do the night before to earn that buck. So far it has worked out very well for all concerned. Sometimes, if I think she is getting overwrought/losing too much sleep, I keep the baby with me until he falls asleep, then move him instead. Keep bottles ready in the refrigerator to minimize the cry-feed-back to sleep cycle in the early mornings. That shouldn't last much longer anyway, but with a new baby on the way you'll have to be really creative in managing things. Stepkids need special attention, as you have probably already figured out, and adding new babies is, in itself, a major adjustment for everyone. So is being a newlywed. Don't underestimate the stress level involved, keep your cool, encourage your family that you can't make life good w/o everyone's help and that your SS plays a major role in how well loved and behaved his siblings will be. When older kids have significant buy-in, they will rise to great levels to help.

SAHM of seven, 23yrs - 18 mos, biol/adopted/special needs; all have shared rooms, even when they were significantly older and had a baby sibling, mostly with happy outcomes ;)