A Monster Has Taken over My Home

I won't tear you apart. I would feel the same way in fact, I do at times. I have a 3 yr old girl. Now she is really sweet and calm MOST of the time. When she throws fits, she is usually tired. Now... she has a problem with not wanting to poop. Don't know why. She will do good sometimes then sometimes she won't. When she doesn't, she turns into a monster; doesn't sleep at night, won't listen, hard to deal with, won't eat, and it seems she turns into ADHD. I can't tell you what might be his problem but can only tell you what causes my child to act out. Sit back and observe. It could be something as simple as not pottying when he should and he can't tell you that. Just watch him for a while and see what you can find out.
But trust me... sometimes I feel like running away. My husband and I have had to tag team before also. So you aren't alone.
Hope that helps and good luck.

Since you are not opposed to spanking, you might want to check out the book Raising Godly Tomatoes at www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com. That book has been very helpful for me in dealing with my three year old! You can read the entire book online or order it for less eye strain.

You might also want to try listening to 800 AM from 1-2 pm, if you're in the Portland, OR area (or online at www.parenttalk.me). There's a lady that is really good with advice and she needs callers, so if you aren't scared to call in on a radio show, she will probably be able to give you some ideas.

Hope that helps!

I'll admit that I laughed a little inside when I read this, not because I don't feel your pain, but because I do. When my son was 3 I went through this. He got mad one time, stood on his bed, pulled down his pants and peed on the floor. When I wasn't home and my mom was with him, he trashed his bedroom - throwing things on the floor, knocking over his bookcase, pulling the mattress off his bed, knocking the dressers over, ... it was awful. When I came home and saw the mess, I was so upset that I broke down in tears in front of him. I couldn't believe my little boy could do such a thing. He came over to me and hugged me. He asked me why I was crying and I told him that I loved him very much and I couldn't understand why he would want to hurt my feelings by acting the way he did. After that, things did start to improve, but it's also, I think, just a part of being three. Once he turned four, things improved more and now that he's five it's even better. He's learned what I will put up with and what I won't. I try to keep clear for him the rules of what's acceptable and try not to bend. I think three is just the beginning of your son testing the waters with you. Stand firm with your husband continually and your son will eventually figure out the rules of your family and his place in your family. It'll get better.

Hi B.,

I'm not tearing apart your ways of discipline, but nowadays even the most mainstream parenting advice says no spanking. I'm 38 and I remember the feeling of spankings and it freaked me out. It didn't help me or do anything that I feel like a 3 year old needs (I also have a 3 year old). For one thing, it definitely breaks trust, I remember that feeling too. Also, even though the time out seems like a good way to get a breather for a child, it's not the right thing for every child. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?_r=3. Some kids need someone with them, maybe especially at this age. A 3 year old isn't emotionally mature enough to process why they are acting crazy and doing things they shouldn't be, but we need to be.

Also it might not be a discipline issue. I have a friend whose son was a total handful (well a few friends kids). It turned out that his tonsils and adenoids were too big for their cavities, and he was never getting a good sleep. So he was always semi-sleep deprived and unable to handle himself. They got the offenders removed and she said it was like having a different kid. Another friend who has a younger one that is a handful, it's pretty obvious what they're doing, which is giving that kid sugar and chocolate indiscriminately; a trip to the grocery store with them and he'd bullied his mom into the candy aisle and was filling the cart with candy and screaming when she tried to move on or take things out. She ended up abandoning the venture. And they've never really attended to a lot of his needs in a responsive way; as a baby he never had socks on in the winter, and they'd often just throw a onesie on him and go out while they were wearing parkas and boots. Or help him work through a frustrating process for him, but just let him scream and bang things.

For alternative approaches I've heard really great things about Unconditional Parenting http://alfiekohn.org/tapesdvd.htm, and they have classes based on it at Zenana Spa periodically. Also you could try Positive Parenting http://www.positiveparenting.com/, and the Dr. Sears book The Discipline Book. I have a book called Discipline without Hitting or Yelling that I like. Here's another site with helpful comments: http://www.positivediscipline.com/parents/archive/discipl...

Don't think of these anti-spanking things as judgements against you. When we're caught up in a frustrating situation it's natural to grab at the quickest thing that comes to mind, and spanking has been utilized for generations in our culture. Your post says you're willing to learn, understand, and look at things differently. If you're willing to step back and take time to invest in what these other approaches advocate, I really think it's worth it. There are many studies now that show that positive parenting techniques create a happier child and family. But it's hard to break out of what our culture has embedded in us until now.

Hi B.,

Have you tried 1,2,3 Magic? It helped me quite a bit - I was getting desperate to feel in control of my house! We personally don't do time out in rooms because my sister and I specifically remember not caring if we were sent to time out in our room b/c it had our toys in it so - so what. :) Our timeout is in the living room chair. It's boring for him and I can get a dish or two washed during his timeout.

Good luck!
T.

At 3 he is testing the boundaries. I suggest learning and using less confrontational ways of presenting the boundaries. Give him lots of choices. You decide what is acceptable and then let him choose between two ways of doing something. This sounds easy to do but it's not. It does require more thinking. The up side is that not only does it lessen the confrontations but also teaches him how to make good choices. It increases his sense of power and allows him to co-operate with you while still having a sense of control.

There are several good books that will give you suggestions and ideas on how to do this. Books using the "love and logic" approach are quite good. There are many others as another mother has cited. http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey...

http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-123-toddlers-and-pre-s...

The Love and Logic web site seems to have changed since the last time I looked at it. It now seems focused on sales which I don't like. However, I have purchased and used several of their books and have found them quite helpful.

If your focus is on helping your 3 yo learn how to manage his emotions and his actions rather than on making him obey you will have better results. Understand that he does not know how to manage himself at the same time he feels this great need to become independent. It is good that he's not passive even tho it doesn't feel so good. A strong will, once managed, will help him have success as he becomes an adult.

Your goal is to provide structure, have rules that are necessary and consequences that teach. At the same time teaching him how to feel successful within those boundaries. When he makes the choice of the choices you've given him he feels more powerful. You are sharing limited power with him. This helps him to grow up feeling confident in his own abilities to make choices.

Just as adults work together best when they are allowed to be a part of the process so do children. I want to raise a child who is self-controlling and able to make good decisions as they grow older. Toddlerhood discipline is the beginning of that training.