A Mom Needing Help with Her Almost Teenager.

I am sorry that I do not have much advice, but I did want you to know that you are not alone. I have a 13 yr old daughter and every day is becoming a struggle. The laziness and the idea that she is entitled to everything keeps getting worse. Everyone tells me that it is typical teenage behavior, but I will not accept that. I have also grounded and taken everything away and it has not helped. My only advice would be to try group activities. I have made my daughter try out for sports and I am hoping it will help motivate her and put her around other motivated children instead of kids that will bring her down. Good luck!

Maybe try an after school activity such as sports or drama club. That will help break the laziness. It will build confidence. Most importantly, she will be fitting in then in a positive way. By being herself with people that have the same interest. Good luck.

At 15 my loving father could stand my little sister no more. He was seriously considering putting her in a home for unruly teens. I was fresh back from the army after six years and watching my father reach out in anger and striking her I said please give me a chance. He said you want her take her.

Boot camp began, I took her to my home. I was poor imagine she came from a home where money was no problem, she thought I was her answer to freedom, and do as she wanted. I made her see that my check book was not what mom and dads was. I had to struggle to buy food and pay for my new home. I taught her that the only way to freedom was a good education and hard work. I was the oldest of three and my parents did not make good money until I was gone.

Here is what I wish to share with you, No more money, the only way to earn money is thru earnest work and good behavior. My son now 28 USAF now ten years and a proud servent of your military intelligence. He prides himself on earning everything, I was lucky with him I worked very hard and had discipline in myself, I tried to spoil him but the harder I worked the less he asked for, In 1998 I begged him not to follow in my footsteps, Sitting at the Kitchen table I told him I work two jobs if you just go to college his response was I will not waste your money... I do not know what I want to do.. and You have given me so much. I cried everyday he spent in training to later learn... he was stronger than I ever dreamed.

Grounding never works unless you ground yourself too. You need to teach your daughter that all the extras and all your needs met is a given. Nothing should be given nothing will be given unless you earn it. Set your requirements as if you are the employer. If she does not earn it do not fight. Do not argue just do not give it. this is how her real life will be. You never want her to enter the real world without real insight. Bribery with children never works. If you get good grades I will buy you this etc... If you get good grades she herself will see what rewards come...I feel this is the mistake many parents make... its called the candy and stick if you do this I will give you candy if you do this I will hit you with this stick.... It rarely works. Make your ground and stand on it. I believe in the KISS method Keep it simple stupid.

Here are the basic needs. Shelter, food, (food is anything that is the five staples milk, breads cereals fruits vegetables and meat) it is not hot pockets, soup in a can or mountain dew, at her age the law does not require you cook it. If dinner time is five at your house and she is not at the table ...Oh well .....You have to provide her clothes but they don't have to clean them sounds crazy I am sure but it is the law. You have to provide a bed but it doesn't have to have a barbie comforter on it. I am not as hard as this may seem. I am only trying to tell you if you want her to respect life she has to see what life she has or what life is available to her.

Sometimes we have to be hungry to eat. You don't have to give her money you don't have to buy her clothes as long as she has not out grown what she has. Live by the law, and tell her I want to give you more, however if you continue on this path you will soon be responsible for yourself and I do not want you to be a stranger in the world you choose. This is the law and this is what you can expect.

I wish you the best of luck be strong, cry to yourself and I pray you see the turn around as I did. After six months of my poor ways. I always had an open ear to my sister, sometimes i was so tired I went to the washroom to splash cold water on my face I let her talk and talk, I let her complain and speak so badly of our mother, I never commented only listened. I came home from my job to hear,,,

B. thank you but I will be a senior this year and Mom and Dad can better afford me. Secretly I said Amen,,, my parents never gave one dime of support nor did I ask, My sister went home she had a wonderful time playing sports and going to her prom which she missed in her junior year there was no money in my house for a dress.

We are the best of friends she is good girl mother of three sons now. I owe it all to the United States Army where I learned your mamma isn't here and your congressman is a long letter away. Scream yell cry all you want, we give you more than your mamma has to give you at home. It is so true kids today are given so many choices so many options and so many things to choose from it overwhelms them. How can they appreciate anything when we raised them with your entitled. We are raising them with a lie.

Be strong never appear beat down or tired. It's your house you earned it and you are not at her mercy. I think many people make this mistake. God gave her to you. Your obligation is to love shelter and feed. God will bless you. It's your love Your choice of food and any roof will do. Keep it simple stupid. it is good line to live bye.

Have a great day smile and be smarter than a teenager.
B.

Sounds like your daughter has been your friend, has had to pick up some responsibilities when you were ill and maybe you have treated her like an adult occasionally? Does she know that she's 12 and I am asking this sincerely? If you treat your children as though they are adults, they will assume the position and boundaries crossed. I hope that you will consider going for some joint and separate counseling, where I think you will find that this is more than being about borrowed clothes. Better now than when she is 14, 16. In the meantime, you are the mother, make rules then mete out the consequences when they are broken.

Hello, I wanted let you know about a book, I just heard about on the radio on Thursday 27. It is named Have a new kid by Friday. author Kevin Leman

there is also a web site haveanewkidbyfriday.com I have never tryed it but I am getting ready too, my daughter is only 6 but I want to head off the teenage years long before they arrive.

I hope this helps, from the radio, I heard alot of stories, similar to yours and they used this mans book and it changed there home around, in as little as two days.

Hi C.,

Lisa is absolutely correct. Communication with your kids (especially those girls) is soooo important. My daughter is now fifteen and she has "borrowed" my clothes. I sat her down and calmly told her that I have no problem with her borrowing but I would like the same respect she would like to have by the simple asking first. I told her that I would not just go through her things and use whatever I pleased...and further more I do not allow her sister to do it to her either. Just because we all live in one house together does not mean that we each cannot have our own belongings. So lets respect one another.
With teenagers (okay it does start at 12-well ten if you have a drama queen like I do) these girls get to an age where you are not just their mom-You are another woman....the woman in charge and you do not know anything about anything and all you want to do is make them miserable. You just say no just because you can. So yeah lets pick our battles with them. The style of clothes- I would pick that one but ALWAYS talk to them like the WOMAN they think they are. Tell her that there are many ways to express yourself and feel good about her appearance other than seductive. It can only attract trouble at her age---
Talking back or smart mouth--UGH! Yeah that is such fun. I calmly look at them and remind them to watch their mouth-I actually tell them "I am not your friend, not your sitter, and not your punching bag- I am your mother. I have given you all I have and loved you more than anyone on this earth will ever love you so I deserve at least to be talked to with respect. If you cannot do that then it will be a long time before you breathe fresh air again.
Remember it is too easy for us to compromise too much in order to avoid constant fights. Stand for what you believe are good morals, good communication, and remember that your job is to make her a productive member of society. I have actually told them this. I told them what job I had as a mother and I love them too much to fail at it.......letting them know that I am not giving up.
Good luck.

It is a blessing that you have such an open relationship with your kids. Because of the added responsibilities they have taken on due to your illness they may not think of themselves as kids. They have seen more and done more than alot of kids their age. You may have to come at this from a different approach

I don't know if you remember, but being a 12 year old girl just absolutely sucked. If you were "in" then life was golden, but if you weren't every day could guarantee something hurtful happening at the hands of the poplular kids that held the power to socially make you or break you. That's an awful lot of pressure and although she has matured in some areas, the emotional maturity to handle rejection might not be one of those things.

The mouthy and lazy thing? Welcome to 12. We have teenagers and it's a daily battle of wills. Consistently use the word "no." If things aren't done then the answer is "no." To ANY request. On the weekend if she wants to have fun it is contingent on her catching up on her chores and doing repair work with a few extra. If she gets them done in time she may get to watch tv, go to a friends, have a sleep-over. It all depends on her. She made the choices, she got the natural consequences and she owns the responsibility for the outcome.

You may need to sit down and have a real conversation with her on what people REALLY think when you dress that way. What they think about her, what she is willing to do, what she stands for, and the negative choices are that others could make in regard to her based on those impressions. If you have to lock up every piece of clothing that doesn't belong to her you can. If you have to make a deal with the teacher that she call you if she sees your daughter in something inappropriate you can. Then you can take clothes to her, pull her out of class and make her change. Her peers will know and she will be embarassed. That could make a change.

I would just like to say when you are frustrated with her it helps to remember these things: she doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, sneak out, and all of the other things real parents have to deal with in their 12 yr. old children. It could be so much worse. At the end of the day if all you have is a smart alec that steals your clothes, it's still a pretty good day.

OMG C., You sound exactly like me! Except I have 3 girls, ages soon to be 12, 10 and 2years of age. We've been struggling with our oldest too. I offer her things to do to get her to do things. Or I too take things. I give her choices of what she can and can't do. Giving her privliges seems like a whole lot. See our lives are rather really busy here. Yet I don't feel like I get anything done. Like your girls mine too act older than their age. My oldest never tries to wear my clothes or wears anything seductive or takes anything that is not hers. She is starting to lie to stand up for herself and friends and I told her that their is no need. There was an incident when I was younger, yet older than she was that I have gone to a football game to hang out with my friends, my dad was smart and made me take my little sister and my little cousin, so I did. Yet I still snuck away from the game and them to be with my boyfriend. We went for a walk and I sooner found out that I was being set up. I was being followed by a gang of guys and girls, (about 12 to 13) they all were carrying bats and sticks. I had a really bad feeling and told the guy to walk me back to the game. He wouldn't. This girl approached me and asked me why I was sleeping with her boyfriend (I was still a virgin and the guy I was with was my very first boyfriend), I told her I had no clue what she was talking about. Next thing you know I had a bat come swinging into my gut and ontop of my head. I hit the ground and I knew right then I was not ever gonna be able to fight all them off. What gave me hope was a car was approaching I felt addrenaline rush and forced myself to stand up and scream! I swung at that girl and yelled COP...and they all took off. I was alright no broken bones, no real injuries, just bruises. I really lucked out and God was there protecting me. I ran to the school and my so called boyfriend followed I looked at him and told him I was through. I seen my dads van and ran up to it, but by the time I got there, he left. I was hurt and I cried, a real good friend of mine seen me and asked me if I needed a ride home. Her mom and herself took me home. I got home and I was threatend to be sent away to boys and girls disciplinary school and I was to be forbidden to ever have or see my family again. I told my dad that he needs to hear me and he wouldn't listen, so I told him I wanted him to die. He told me that I had him scared due to the fact that some girl told my sister that I was in the hospital and on life support. I tried to explain my side of the story, but nothing. One of my older sisters came down to visit and I told her what happened and what was going on. She talked to my dad and told my dad to give me another chance and if not to let her and my brother in law start me fresh into another school. At first my dad wasn't gonna have it. They got me anyhow, and I never had problems at the other school.
*MORAL OF THE STORY*
I needed RESPECT and Someone To LOVE me and show me that they do.
I have done the threating of the military school and it just ticks them off even more. Stop and Listen...that's what they really need. Hold them and let them know you love them and if they respect you and love you they will help you out as much as you do for them. Trust me, you'll get further. But always stay FIRM..and STICK TO THE POINT. GOOD LUCK!

Hello C.,

WELCOME to the world of teenagers (especially girls)!! I have three daughters of my own, they are 15 1/2, 17 and 22. I still don't have makeup of my own anymore lol. I have repeatedly told them you may use it, but LEAVE it where you found it. Unfortunately I have to replace it everytime I turn around.
I think I have learned a few things along the way lol. ONE, every child is different, you have to find the ONE (or two) things that would REALLY bother her and USE it! My oldest daughter I found out after awhile, didn't mind being grounded. SHe would sit in her room and read, listen to music and such. I had to sit and think of something that would drive her crazy to get her attention. Soooo, I grounded her to the living room for family time. She was NOT allowed in her room except at bedtime. Trust me, she did NOT like this lol.
My 17 yr old, absolutely hates to have the phone and computer taken from her, and all I can think of is GOT YA LOL. My youngest is still a little bit of a challenge, she is sooo laid back nothing seems to bother her. But she is the one I have the least trouble with.
I would suggest setting ground rules... your bedroom is totally off limits unless she asks first. As for the disrespect.. STOP doing things for her! Show her how much you do for her by not doing it. Remind her you are not her friend you are her mother and you WILL be respected.. PERIOD! You will not take less than respect. Pick your battles!! If you tell her to go to her room, and she does but grumbles on the way.. let her grumble (as long as it isn't really disrespectful).
Girls are a REAL handful and I don't envy you.. if I were there I'd hug you. Your in for a long haul. She is still young enough to show her exactly what you expect, before she gets any older.

I wish you the best of luck!
T.

The teens are always the most difficult!!! I have a 17yr old and it is always somewhat of a chore. Her father travels a lot so she and I are very close as well. The first thing is never give her empty threats. Would you really send her to military school? If so, then tell her "I am not looking for perfection but I am looking for positive change and I expect to see improvement in 1 month and then for it to continue. If not, then this is what will happen......" Then you have to follow through. Ok you dont word it exactly like that but you get the point. The other thing is that it depends on how she "clicks." If you get mad at my child, she will just shut down, not listen and worse not care. If you tell her hey this hurts my feelings I am trying and I love you anyway regardless of how bad you are treating me....she feels bad and will really try to be better. The worst thing I could do when she is not doing what she is suppose to is to make her a special dinner and tell her I still love her.
As for the clothes, if you figure out something that works....please let me know. My daughter still borrows stuff even after telling her no please dont take that one. I gotta give somewhere. My husband thinks it a closeness thing. Now if she likes it when I buy it......it is hers and I get to borrow it.
Teens need lots of love, hugs they dont want, I make it a weekly event to at least sneak into her room and lay in bed with her for at least a couple of hours and just scratch her head or rub her back and just talk about what she wants....or not. No demands on my part, no negativity, just her and what she and her friends are up to. Its the best part of the week. Sometimes too...they just dont know when they are being a certain way. I tell her why are you been so mean... and she thinks about it and then can control it.
Well best of luck!!

I think you need to be more firm with your daughter. She knows you are a push over and taking advantage of your good nature. You need to let her know you are the parent and she's the child. Let her know you love her but want her to grow up to be a decent human being.

Well first of all you have a little girl trying to grow up,
I have a daughter who now is 26 and married, we get along
really good now, but it sure was a different story when she
was younger, and alot of the problem was me, I don't know
why I did but I was always picking fights with her, I also
thought I have to be in control alot. One of my friends
kept telling me (K. you need to learn to pick your fights,
decide if it's worth fighting about.) When I finally decided
enough was enough and quit picking fights with her, things
were a whole lot better. So I think what you have to decide
are your clothes really worth fighting over, I mean they
are just clothes and you can alway buy new ones, and I know
they aren't cheap, but they are alot easier to replace then
the relationship with your daughter. I'm with you on the part
about wearing your clothes without asking and for dressing
just to fit in, that's wrong, but about the dressing to fit in
ask yourself this, is she hurting anyone in the way she dresses, if it's not life threating I'd let her do it, as long as she is under your roof you are able to watch out for her, she does have to learn how to make chooses. Sometimes they will be good ones, and sometimes they won't, but how
are they are going to learn to decide for themselves if we don't let them start with little things, that if it doesn't
work out no one gets hurt really bad in the end, and sometimes they will feel like it is the end of the world, but
they will survive, because we gave them a little space to learn for themselves. I hope I helped you some.
K.

I think a good place to start is to stop with the open ended threats. Threatening her with military school or by taking something away and then not going through with it is showing her she can get away with anything. Mean what you say, stick to your word or dont say anyhting at all.

Do you repeatedly have conversations about RESPECT - on BOTH sides of the fence? When ever someone shows proper respect..point it out..lovingly...as in "how much I appreciate..." If you see or hear of someone (including her friends) NOT showing proper respect, that needs to be pointed out too.......Talk abut what is appropriate and what is not AND WHY. People need to know the CONSEQUENCES of their attitudes and behavior. Unfortunately...no one seems to teach that any more.

I'm not saying you haven't......just making a gross observation within a wide range of resources. When I taught pre-school....second semester...the response was, "Yes, Maam." "No, Maam"...etc. I TAUGHT them what it meant to respect and the proper reponses and behaviors.at 3 & 4 years old.

One of the parents observed her son repeating the same response to her over & over in various situations. She mentioned that he didn't have to call her "MAAM" (That spelling doesn't look right but you get my point). Anyway...he told her.."YES, I do. It's about respect."

The mother THANKED ME FOR TEACHING THEM about respect. Something that is GROSSLY overlooked these days.

In response to the clothes, have her watch either TMZ or one of those entertainment shows. They are always making fun of the way the girls dress. They say they are skanky, or dirty. That may not be the way your daughter dresses, but it may open her eyes to what people really think when girls dress that way. As far as the other stuff, I'm betting it's just the age. I remember being 12 and it was awful! :)

Dear C. K. I am a mother of 5 and oldest 25 and youngest 19. 4 boys, 1 girl. I have found that children must know that you are the boss. Stop trying to be her friend and be her mother. Too many parents want to be their childs friend. It is ok to be friendly, but my children understood that they can make friend in the public. They must know who you are to them. My daughter was never allowed to share my clothing( only socks if necessary) Are your clothing age appropiate for you? That maybe part of the problem. When 1 of my boys was 12, I just asked these questions. Who takes care of you? Are you able to take care of yourself? Pay your own rent? Buy your own food? etc? every answer was NO..So I said don't you think it would be to your advantage to do what I say? If you cannot obey me who you see everyday, How can you obey a God you don't see..for a while that took care of it. When he turned sixteen I laid my fist in his chest and looked him in the eye and said don't think for 1 second that I am afraid of you. I can use this fist and pop you so hard that it will take your breath away, and I meant it...You may not need to be that extreme, so the point is you MUST let her know that you love her but you are in charge...They will thank you for it later.

Church youth groups might help - or talking to your pastor

We have taken away the things that our kids love the most when they don't obey. I always praise them when they help without the sad face or "do I have to" attitude.

I can only image the struggles you are going through and though my children are still small I have started reading a book that sounds right up your alley. It is called The New Strong-Willed Child and it talks about this very thing. It is by Dr. James Dobson and I am sure you can borrow it from your local library as that is what I have done. My son is almost 3 and we are already seeing strong willed characteristics so we are hoping to get a handle on it before the tween/teen years...

Are you involved in a local church? Do they have a youth group she could get involved with? I know that saved my skin more times that not growing up and having kids around with LOTS of positive attitudes/actions/morals really helped me not to mention the positive mentors (youth pastor and wife) was someone that I could talk to and listen to.

Not sure if you have tried just taking her out with just you or her father for a one-on-one day of what she wants to do and try to talk with her away from everything that is going on. I am sure you will figure it out...good luck and God bless!

I have the same problem with my 16 yr old taking things that aren't hers without asking.{not clothes} My bedroom is off limits at all times & my kids have followed this rule. I find the only punishment that works for my girl is to get her up early. I have made her get up as much as an hour early when she won't listen to me. This may last 1 day/week depending on the problem. I confiscate anything she leaves lying around & keep it awhile. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. I keep telling myself...2 more years...2 more years....Good luck!