A Little Annoyed

I don't see the problem from what you've described, except that you've decided you don't like the woman who raised your husband, when you don't even know her, and she's made attempts to be nice to you and get to know you. I don't really think she's the problem...

you've said she's a nice lady, you get along with her, she's becoming more cooperative, she likes to talk to you on the phone. to me she sounds reasonable and like she's making an effort. i don't see anything sinister in her wanting a close relationship with her new grandchild either. perhaps your hormones are coming into play here.

You should treat your mil the same way you would treat your mother, because she is your husbands mother and he loves her just as much as you love your own mother. Why is it that the mothers of men are often treated as less important in her sons family then the mother of the wife? That is just plain wrong IMO.

Showing her respect and love does not mean "keeping your mouth shut". Just be polite when you let her know that your BC choices are not something that you will be discussing with her.

and remember, one day you will be the MIL, and when that day comes how do you want to be treated?

I will never understand how DIL's can treat their MIL's any different then their own mother. My MIL is crazy, and I treat her with respect and love at all times. I may want to strangle her at times, bury her in the backyard, but she birthed my husband and I realize she is not perfect.

The thing is...she is trying to get to her grandchild through you. You hold the power, sure husbands get a say, but in many/most cases they mother/wife makes the choices. She's not stupid, she get's that. She's been there, done that.

As for the visitors. I do understand where you are coming from and my answer would vary with more information. Is she staying in a hotel? If so, then no biggy, they'll leave at night and that's when you would refresh your batteries. If not that I would ask that only her and one other person come this time. Next time let her bring more then that, by that point you should have found your parenting bearing and be able to handle it.

Her religious/social/political beliefs do not need to be an argument. You don't even need to disagree with it. In one ear and out the other with a non-committal 'uh-ha' is all you need to say, or a simple 'we haven't made any decisions yet" will work.

This doesn't have to turn into War of the Roses. Treat her as you would want others to treat you.

ETA>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You follow up, I can answer.

My MIL was a horrible mother. One man to another, volatile the whole nine yards, and no matter what my opinion is of her on a personal level.....she is an awesome grandma. She play grandma a thousand times better then she did mom. Her past is not indicative of her future, nor is it a window into how she will be as a grandma.

I think your attitude about this whole thing is awful, if you want to know the truth.

She's "using you to get close to her grandchild." Um...who ELSE is she supposed to go through?!? Count yourself LUCKY she wants to be in your child's life. This is your first child, and you have NO IDEA. You are SOOOO lucky, "drama queen" or not. You give absolutely no examples of this.

"I have my OWN mother that I am close to." Well, she is the mother of your HUSBAND. Of course you aren't going to be as close to her as your own mother, but still, again, count yourself LUCKY that you have a mother-in-law who cares enough to want to talk to you and be involved in your life.

Don't underestimate what value family can be. I really feel sad for you, that your attitude towards this seems so poor. Has this woman done anything to deserve this from you? Again, you don't give any examples of some wrong that she's done you.

People who are strong in their religious beliefs are nothing to fear. You don't have to agree with her, and when she starts talking about it, just smile and nod. You don't have to live by her rules, but again, you ought to value her more than you obviously do.

As far as her bringing four other woman with her to visit...sounds like they are all excited about the new addition to the family. You do realize that this IS an addition to THEIR family as well as yours? That this child is as much to your husband's family as she is to you and yours?

If you don't want that many people visiting, which I can honestly understand, simply say so. Tell your mother-in-law that she is MORE than welcome to come and see her grandchild, but you think you'll feel a bit overwhelmed at first and aren't up to having lots of visitors whom you aren't close with. Honesty goes a long ways.

Sorry if this seemed a bit harsh, but I'm just trying to be honest with you. Unless there is something I'm missing (which is possible, because of your lack of examples of why this woman is so horrible for you to have this attitude...), you ought to just grin and bear it. You might be surprised at how much you come to appreciate your mother-in-law. I speak from experience...my own mother-in-law and I were ENEMIES before my husband and I were married...LONG before...but now, I don't know what I would do without her.

Learn to say "NO," dear.

No, you don't want to talk on the phone.

No, you don't want 5 visitors at once.

No.

And your husband needs to learn to say no to her as well. To protect YOU.

Explain it to him this way: As a brand-new mom, you are going to be vulnerable. Emotionally and physically. You EXPECT your husband to protect you and your baby during this time by ensuring that overbearing, dramatic people are kept at a distance. That's his job...protecting you when you can't do it yourself.

It's not your job to speak up when it comes to birth control choices. It's your husband's. That's his mother...but the Bible says that when a man marries, he LEAVES his mother and cleaves unto his wife (and she to him). That means that mom is no longer making the choices, you two are.

Congrats on your new little one, and on your marriage.

♥
C. Lee

I think you're borrowing trouble. Assume the best and be gracious, loving, welcoming and kind to her until you have reason to be offended. That reasoning is NOT what you've heard from your husband or have seen or heard about her relationships with her other children. Don't go on hearsay and cause trouble before there actually is any. If she crosses boundaries some time in the future, deal with it then. If I worried about everything that someone might do or say to me that I would find offensive, I'd have little time and energy to actually live my life. Live your life, enjoy your pregnancy and being a newlywed, and think a little more highly of the woman who birthed and raised your husband.

I agree with Jen C.

My son and I are extremely close and I will NOT be happy if he marries some woman who sees me as an interference. Frankly, I don't think he'd marry someone like that. I'm a woman....I understand the role and the place of a wife in a man's life. I may be old-fashioned, but I think a wife should make every effort to embrace her husband's family, especially his mother.
Maybe I got lucky, but my mother-in-law and I loved each other. My husband had been married before and she was so tickled when she met me. I was the exact opposite of his first wife. I have wedding portraits with her standing next to me and we're holding hands. We talked to each other almost every day on the phone. They lived a long distance away. When she fell and had to have surgery on her arm, we went and stayed with my in-laws and I took care of her. I cleaned her house, did laundry, I cooked. I took care of her bandages and sponge bathed her. We took care of my father-in-law who had Alzheimer's. I just stepped in to be there for her. She considered me her daughter, and I did exactly what I would have done for my own mother.

When she passed away suddenly, I was devastated. She dropped dead 3 weeks to the day after I had my son. She never even got to see him, and I had lost my best friend.

Anyway, I'd just like to say that I think you should remember the saying,
"Don't borrow trouble".

You're getting upset over something that may or may not even happen this summer. You haven't even had your baby yet and you're getting bent out of shape.

I understand not always "feeling" like having a phone conversation, but what would it hurt to say hello and you're doing fine? I have LOTS of long distance relatives and with each phone call, everybody talks to everybody who is there at the time on both ends. I was raised with a family that operates that way so it doesn't seem weird to me at all. If I said I didn't feel like talking to one of my relatives who lives 3,000 miles away, they would feel stabbed in the heart.

Relax. Put your feet up. Have some nice tea.
Don't worry about anything but having a healthy baby.
Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet or MIGHT happen.

It sounds like your mother-in-law is really making an effort.
Let your guard down a little bit.
The woman lives 16 hours away. It's not like she'll be at your house every day.

Just my opinion.

Take care of yourself!

I second that you should treat her just as you plan to treat your own mother. And how you will wish to be treated someday by your daughter in law when and if you have a son. Honestly-you are not being very nice and not giving this woman much of a chance. Do NOT shut the mother of your husband out of your lives. It will be a huge mistake that you will live to regret and one that your karma will never let you forget. RElationshipas are about GIVE and take. ITs not all take.

Hi T.! Congrats on the baby! Are you having a boy? If yes, this should resonate with you. Treat your MIL the way you want to be treated when your baby boy is all grown up and is married to your future DIL. You will find that your DIL holds the key to not only how often you get to see your own son, but also decides if you will get to have any sort of relationship with your grandkids.
So, be kind to MIL. She raised your hubby into a great man, so she can't be all that bad right? Look, I am not saying you need to make this woman your BFF, but you do have a moral obligation (IMO) to at least TRY to be welcoming to her. If she turns out to be a jerk, then cut her off of whatever, but I think it would be wrong to avoid even attempting a relationship with her just because you dont feel like it.
Long visits with out of town family can be annoying, but also keep in mind that when the visit is over, she goes home 16hrs away and can't just drop in on you whenever, so you only have to endure for a short while. She is obviously very excited to have a new grandbaby. That should make you happy, not angry. I would not expect her to feel any other way. Embrace her and make the best of it. She is part of the family.

gosh. if they are staying at a hotel and she wants to make the 16 hour trip to visit be happy., its not like its going to be a weekly thing.

also it seems caddy to assume she;s using you to get to her grandchild. i have a relatioship with my ex's parents because my daughter is their grandaughter. they arent using M. and i'm not using them. there is a reason we are close for their granddaughters beenfit and because they are family to M.. stop thinking of reasons to bne upset, relax and get to know her on the phone. if you're not in the mood to talk lethim know beforehand

Wow, that hurts as a mother-in-law that my daughter-in-law would feel this way. What's that saying of be careful of what say and do as it will come back to bite you in the long run.

I don't think your mother-in-law wants to be all in your business she is trying to find common ground between the two of you. She knows you have a mother she is just trying to find a spot in your life to bond with you and not replace your mother. You can't judge a book by its cover because you have to read the book to find out what it is all about. So give her a chance.

If your mother-in-law didn't care she wouldn't try to communicate with you. I know that hormones play a big part when pregnant but don't let that put a wedge between the two of you. Enjoy the visit and other family members. Know that they will not be dropping by every day to see you. You can do it. You might welcome your mother-in-law with open arms and suggestions once baby is here.

the other S.

I think that you should get to know her a bit, but you and DH can have healthy boundaries if she's known for poor behavior. For example, if you want to talk to her, call her or send her an email or answer the phone. But have an agreement with DH that if you don't want to talk right then, he respects that. I wonder how much of this is what he's "warned" you about vs what is going on. She may be manipulative or she may be trying to find common ground now that you're expecting and really only you can decide that.

I must say that both our mothers were really respectful of our time and first weeks with DD and it has made us even closer.

If she offends you with her beliefs, then you can say, "We need to agree to disagree on this. I will no longer discuss it. Look what cute thing DD is doing..."

If you hear she wants to come to town, then lay out your boundaries. For example, tell them they are welcome to visit but you will not be able to put her up in your home. Suggest a nearby hotel. When you are in the hospital, you can ask the staff to help you with the relatives. Most hospitals have limits to the number of people and mine made sure I really wanted my mom there before they let her in my room. My own mother left when I was pushing and went home when we left the hospital (after babysitting our cats for a few days). My MIL waited til the day after DD was born and called ahead to make sure I was feeling OK. I really appreciated that. DH and I wanted low key family time and people respected that. If MIL insists on coming around, put her to work. If she likes to be helpful, think of ways she can help without annoying you. But do stand up for yourself if you need to. My cousin did not and her ILs drove her to tears - to the point where she went to see her mom to avoid them. Nobody should feel they have to flee their home with a newborn.

Hopefully if you let things be known before she arrives it will be fine.

FWIW, I do adore my MIL. But I'm much closer to my mom. You don't have to treat her the exact same, because it's not. Speaking as a DIL and a SM.

ETA: I had two very different grandmothers and even from halfway across the country I preferred the nicer one. Her relationship with DD partially depends on HER. If you feel she's overlooked some serious boundary issues/abuses with her own children, then maybe this is not the grandma you send DD to for a week in the summer when she's older.

You talk a lot about "is it mandatory to try and get close" to her, how you feel you're trying to force a relationship, etc.

She is sixteen hours away from you. She is not in the same town, coming to your house unexpectedly, dropping off unwanted stuff for the baby, nosing around in your kitchen....For some much needed perspective, go back on Mamapedia and read past posts by women whose MILs (or mothers) live close by and are always in their homes, or expecting them to come to the MIL's home, or demanding to see the baby more, or demanding to babysit when the parents don't want it. Can you see how your situation is much better?

The fact she wants to talk to you every time she calls: Did you consider that in her mind, she thinks that asking to do that is polite, and a way to let you know she welcomes you in her family? You describe it as if she is intentionally asking to speak to you just to bug you; why is that your assumption? Maybe she worries that if she doesn't ask for you and about you, you will then say, "She ignores me, she doesn't treat me like part of the family." Be generous; give her the benefit of the doubt here and assign positive, not negative, motivations to her actions. In fact -- why don't you be the one to call her from time to time? That way you talk on your schedule and not hers, and you do it when you feel up to it. Showing that initiative, being the one to start the conversation instead of grudgingly taking the phone only when your husband's pushing it at you, could go a long way toward making it easier to say "honey, not just now" when she calls him and asks to talk with you.

As for the extra guests: Time for your husband to step in. He needs to tell her that mom can come alone. "Mom, of course we'd love to have you visit but this is our first baby and it's all new to us. So please don't bring the others on this visit. We want you to have special grandmother time with us without others around just yet. The baby has years and years to meet the rest of the family." If she fusses, he makes sure she can hear his smile right through the phone as he nicely repeats it over and over.

If he cannot do that -- he needs to work on standing up to his mom. And if he expects you to do it -- he needs to work on playing his dual role as both husband and son, and setting his priorities where they belong: With the baby and you.

As for her "just using me to get to her new grandchild"-- Examine why your mind leaps to that like it's a bad thing. She wants to see her grandchild; she's excited. If she paid zero attention, you would be offended by that, right? So ask yourself why it upsets you that she's interested? You do say early in your post that "she's a nice lady and I get along with her," yet the rest of the post is negative about her. Think hard about that contradiction. Is there a nice side to her that you can focus on and ignore any drama? Can you put the best spin on her and try to ignore the rest? That is greatly helped by the geographic distance between you.

If you do that, and your husband steps up and with a big smile handles mom for you both, you'll be fine. And be grateful she's so far away and you can control your interactions with her and mostly limit them.

Congrats on your pregnancy! Since your MIL is going to visit one way or another, you might as well make the most of it. You don't need to be best friends with her, but don't shut yourself off to having a relationship with her.

Regarding the phone, I think your MIL just wants you to feel included. Since she lives far away, she can't see you frequently so she tries to talk to you on the phone. You don't need to talk for hours, but a quick "hi how are you doing?" will do wonders for your relationship. Unless it is an every day type of thing, I wouldn't put much effort into worrying about it.

As for the visit this summer, remember it is only temporary. By the summer you will probably have fallen into a routine with your baby, so having people over probably wont be that big of a deal. And if you need a break from company, excuse yourself to nurse, put the baby to sleep etc. My in-laws came to visit when my baby was 4 months old. I frequently used her as an excuse to get a few minutes to myself. Just do your best to enjoy the company. Having extra people say how cute your baby is isn't a bad thing! Lol!

Sounds like your husband has turned you against his Mom. How he's experienced her does not necessarily determine how you'll experience her. Sounds like she's made some mistakes, one a serious one, and has moved on with her life. Your husband is still expecting an apology. He needs to let that go. It's not going to happen. I understand wanting an apology. I would hope for one. And her not apologizing does affect him if he lets it. I suggest that he needs to let go of that expectation.

Yes, he also needs to let that experience allow him to make better boundaries with her. We don't forget but we have to forgive if we want to live a full life. Her drama in the past has make life unpleasant for him. However, he has a different relationship with her now or he needs to have a different one now. He's no longer dependent on her. He is an adult with a wife and child. He needs to protect them but he doesn't have to shut her out of his life and yours.

The two of you need to decide how you want to be involved with his mother. You can have a friendly respectful relationship with her without being emotionally close. That is the way we should start with all relationships. Friendly and respectful without having preconceived ideas about who they are and how they'll act. Have boundaries. Expect her to respect them. When she's crossing over, stop her in a kind way.

For example about birth control. There is no need for you or your husband to ever have a conversation about that. If she brings it up just casually say that it's a personal decision that you're not willing to discuss. Repeat it kindly as often as needed. No need to get upset. Know that you have the right to not discuss it.

Have your husband tell her that you're both not able to have all four women at your house for extended visits. When you start to get tired, quietly tell them, you're tired and go to your room to rest. It's even fair, if your husband has discussed this with his mother ahead of time to say it's time for them to go for awhile. Give them a time to come back. Or ask that they not all visit at once. They have a hotel to stay at. They can be tourists. They just have to know ahead of time what you expect from them. No need for drama. Smile and repeat as needed.

Your husband could even say that it would be OK for her to bring one other person but that he doesn't want you to get worn out with company.

You don't even know that they expect to all stay at your house all day. Just talk with your mil ahead of time about how you want to arrange your time with them and the baby and your husband. This is one advantage to you having phone conversations with her ahead of time spending some time to get to know her and for her to know you. If you're friends then you can talk about what you want and don't want.

Do not dwell on her history. She has no history with you. Suspend judgment until you give yourselves a chance to get to know each other. Many years has passed since those things have happened. You said, she's married now and more stable. Expect good things from her until she shows that she can't be trusted. Often, when we expect bad behavior, we get it because the way we treat the other person makes it difficult for them to be good.

You will only have drama if you allow it in your home. You and your husband decide on what you will accept and ask people to leave if things start to get out of hand. Treat them with kindness and respect while having boundaries and planning a way to enforce your boundaries.

I suggest that you may be quite surprised to find that when you are open and accepting that she will be too. No need to build up a wall before you know it's even needed. Most times, when we treat others respectfully they treat us respectfully. If they don't then it's time to do something differently.

It is not mandatory that you have a close relationship, but don't write her off because of things you've heard from hubby. Remember, some of his perceptions of his mother were formed when he was young and he might not have known all of the full stories about things he's heard. Base your relationship on how she treats YOU.

I also do not like talking on the telephone, but I bet you if she hadn't asked to speak with you, that we'd be hearing about how she calls and doesn't even ask to talk to you. It's just never right when you're the MIL. LOL!

You say you think she's using you to get to your child. You haven't even had the child yet. She doesn't have to do that - she's your hubby's mother, not yours, and she can get to the child through him. A relationship with you isn't necessarily needed.

I think you should re-read your post. You are angry and having problems with a woman who has done absolutely nothing to you other than to try to form a relationship with you by speaking to you on the phone! How dare she!!!!!

Keep in mind that one day you will be that MIL and your daughter's hubby may also not want to talk to you or have a relationship with you. Karma, don't you know!

Wow, I'm kind of surprised at the responses so far. I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all here. I think you are trying to figure out what kind of relationship you want and should have with this woman, and it has been made complicated by your husband's history with her and her relationships with others in the family. This makes total sense to me, you are basically trying to figure out what kind of boundaries you want and need with her. And I think you are sweet to want to think the best of her, but are trying to be logical based on what you hear from others. And this is not heresay or none of your business, you are hearing these things from your husband, who comes first for you.

So having said that, I think you are wise to tread slowly. You don't need to hate her just because others do. But it sounds like you need to be somewhat cautious. Start by asking your hubby what he wants and expects from her. This is your foundation. It sounds like he is fine having her in your lives, but is of the 'just wait for the drama' camp. So go from there. She will be in your life, great. Just take your time getting to know her, and maybe sometimes give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't spill all of your innermost secrets to her, but get to know each other.

As for boundaries, like bringing a crew to visit the baby, decide what you want first and then speak to her about it. If you don't want 4 people, say so. If they are at a hotel and you think you can live with it, say that. But be prepared to end a day early if the drama kicks up.

I am of the opinion that we teach people how to treat us. Lucky for you, this is still new. You can set a decent precedent that if she is respectful of you, you are happy to have her in your life. But that drama and unwelcome intrusions are not tolerated. Maybe she'll get the hint, especially as you are the gatekeeper of the baby!!

I have a weird relationship with my MIL. She is a fine person, and great to my daughter. But she is one that will use things I've said in the past against me. And she tried to turn my husband against me when we had our daughter so that she could be the expert and have us raise her like she raised hubby. So we had some growing pains. I did set boundaries and she learned that this tactic would not work. Once she figured that out, things got better and we have a decent relationship. I don't think MILs get a free pass just because they raised our husbands. It's a two way street.

Good luck to you- and congrats on the baby!!

A little annoyed. I think you need to reconsider your feelings. You are more than a little annoyed. It's ok, you are entitled to your feelings. We don't know your mil, your H does. He might have over shared and you are sensitive to everything because of your pregnancy.

Or he could be very right about his mom. If he is right then you need to have a talk about boundaries. He is not a mind reader. Men can bearly read expressions on faces. You have to tell him exactly what makes you uncomfortable. If you don't want to talk to her don't. Or chat a min and ring the doorbell and say you have to go. You have to have actual sentences ready to express what's going on in your mind during the visit.

I don't feel comfortable with that.
I don't want to make that decision right now, could I get back to you?
Could you ladies entertain yourselves while baby and I nurse and take a nap?
Would you ladies like to check out our grocery and pick up a few things for me?
I don't feel like cooking ladies so what shall we do for this meal?
I bet you have some great recipes. Could you show me how to make____?
I understand you don't condon the use of birth control but thats a very private decision and I don't feel like discussing that with you.
The pope doesn't condone divorce either does he? Ok, maybe not that!

Preparation can be your best friend in dealing with controlling people. I have delt with more than my share. It has made me more stubborn, more able to set limits and even more honest. Good fences make good neighbors. Good boundaries make good relationships.

He who foresees calamities, suffers them twice over. - Beilby Porteus

I didn't read any other posts but my immediate thought is that you're getting all upset about something that has not even happened yet, and may not. You need to calm down and take things as they come. You are not obligated to give into the whims of this woman, but I would say that, as family, you should try to get along as well as you can. If she does inappropriate things, tell her TO HER FACE nicely and let her know that is not welcome in your home/ around your child/ whatever. If she tries to bring multiple people with her to see the baby (hasn't happened yet, don't get all upset) just let her know WITH WORDS that you're not comfortable with that. Try to keep the peace, but don't be a doormat. Not being passive-aggressive is a big part of that.

MILs can be challenging enough as it is - especially in a new relationship. I've been married 16 years and she still throws me for a loop now and then.

I think you should trust your husband's instincts (despite what many have said here), and you should set the ground rules soon as to who you want and don't want at your child's birth and thereafter. I actually LIKE my MIL (sort of ;), yet I absolutely did not want her at my delivery - perhaps to help a week or two later - but that was MY mom's job. I'd go nuts with more than 1 or 2 people there. I even got tired of my MOM after a couple weeks. I eventually wanted to spend time with just the 3 of us (DH, DS & me) bonding.

Try to be kind, but firm when/if you decide to tell her you don't feel comfortable with her there. Be honest, although regardless you will probably offend her (based on what you've told us about her), but you need to be okay with that, because this is about you and your husband and baby, and not about her and whomever she is planning to bring.

Perhaps suggest she come visit a couple weeks after the baby is born - will your mom be there before to help? That's another reason you wouldn't want your MIL there at the same time. My mom and MIL have only actually met a couple times, and I/DH like to keep it that way. They don't get along, because my MIL is a bit controlling.

Congratulations by the way, and good luck!

All you had to do when Hubby put you on the phone was say "Hi! It's good to hear from you. Ooops! Baby kicked my bladder! I've got to dash to the bathroom!" then hand the phone back to your Hubby.
Definitely have her and her entourage stay at a hotel when they come to visit.
When I was born, my Mom's Dad and her brother came to visit.
Here she is with a new born and my father and the guests were expecting to be waited on hand and foot.
So when she had enough she took me to her bedroom and locked the door.
There's no reason you couldn't do the same thing if the visits get too long.

There are over a billion and a half Catholics in the world-walk a few hundred yards in any direction and you will probably run into one-we are ubiquitous. If you don't trust a devout, Catholic Grandma-you don't trust anyone-get real-you'll someday be glad to have the intrusive ladies around showering you with gifts for your children and help when you need it-don't burn this bridge-that's my greatest and best advice.

Be glad she lives 16 hrs away instead of 10 minutes. Sorry, thats all I got for you, lol.

If and when they come to visit this summer... I would ask your husband to take time off work so he will be there to be a buffer, it would be unfair to be left alone in the lions den.

I wouldn't be surprised if they want to stay with you guys...

the best of luck!