My 9 yr old step-daughter still doesn't say thank you without being told to do so. When we do remind her, she says it in a way that makes it sound like she's being tortured...absolutely not sincere (which sometimes sounds worse than nothing at all). The real discomfort is when we're not with her to remind her. Her grandparents etc. will take her places and buy her stuff etc. and when I ask if she said "thank you" she says no, she forgot. At this age, it's absolutely unbelievable to me. My husband and I are very polite, even to each other regarding simple everyday tasks, "thank you for dinner", etc., so it's not that she doesn't see appreciation in her everyday life. We remind her constantly, but it never comes out of her mouth on her own. I don't know what to do anymore. We have her write thank you cards, but she needs to start saying "thank you" on the spot too. Any advice?
Hey Everyone!
I want to thank you all for your responses. It's great to get a wide range of view points. To answer some of your questions, she lives with us 50% of the time (one week here, one at her mom's). Her mom is a very responsible person, so I don't think that this is an issue that only occurs here because if it is a habit at her mom's, it would just be a habit in general. I think part of the problem may be that she is a little shy about it. I think she is uncomfortable saying it at times. But, I really want it to become a habit for her so she doesn't "forget" and I need her to understand that especially for big things like surprise gifts, people need to hear a genuine response. I think I'm going to talk to her about it, explain that it needs to be a habit for everyday situations and then also explain the effort people put in to getting her gifts and why that deserves a very deliberate, genuine "thank you". After that I'm going to try to leave it alone for awhile and hope for the best.
Thanks again...I'll let you know how it goes!
well, one thing right off, if she 'forgets' to thank someone, it is ALWAYS appropriate to have her create a thank you card or note. OR just have her call them, whatever works best.
perhaps its a beginning of a rebellion, she chooses not to say it because shes pushed about it? perhaps she gets embarrassed if you remind her in front of people. maybe creating a code word or look that reminds her to say thank you on her own ?
good luck
I imagine it is difficult being the step-mom in situations like this. Perhaps instead of the reminders, you might take time to have a conversation with her, bringing it up when there is not another issue brewing...
What has worked for us (my dd is 8) is to start the conversation with just the facts... no blaming. "When grandma and grandpa took you shopping, I noticed that you didn't say thank you to them." And follow it up with an inquiry (without judging) "is there a reason you didn't say thank you?"
I don't know if this will produce a productive dialogue, but it might open the door. Maybe she didn't think the shopping trip was that big a deal, in which case you can talk about situations that might be real for her, where she has gone out of her way to be nice to someone else...
Maybe she just doesn't realize that she is being "rude". It sounds like you are doing a good job of modeling the polite behavior that you would like to see in her. That is half the battle.
Sounds like you've got a little power struggle with your stepdaughter. She's developed a passively aggressive way to show you who's the boss in this relationship. Why is she receiving things she isn't grateful for, and why are even her grandparents playing into it? Even my 7 year-old knows she should say "thank you" for stuff. I think you need to have a family meeting (minus her, just the adults), and all get on the same page. Don't make her the family scapegoat, make her the 9 year-old who doesn't get presents or 'stuff' unless she is going to show sincere gratitude.
In my household, things just don't get done without a please and thank you...even for the adults. You want someone to grab you something to drink while you're up? Then you have to say please or it doesn't get done and it certainly won't be handed over to you until the words Thank you are said. I've been known to turn around and take that glass back into the kitchen and set it down because if they can't take the time for polite words, then I can't take the time for polite actions. Sometimes I do funny things to remind my kids if they happen to forget (which honestly isn't often). For example, they'll ask me to go grab them something and I'll start to move towards that area of the house to do it and act like there's an invisible force field preventing me and the only way to break the force field is a magic word, same when I bring whatever it is back to them. I can only get so close the them then can't go further without the 'magic word'. My kids are teens now but we've been doing this since they were kids. Now all I have to do is say, "I'd like to do this for you...." and freeze. They smile and say the appropriate thing right away. By they way, they do this to me and their dad as well as I've made it clear that this is expected of everyone in the house, not just the kids!
As long as you make yourself responsible for her saying "thank you" she will have no reason to make it her own. I would suggest that you tell her you are going to do something different from now on. Explain to her that "thank you" is a way that people express what is in their hearts when they feel good about what they've received, and that you are no longer going to tell her to say it. Then--and here's the hard part--make it a complete non-issue. Do not comment or remind her or give it any attention. After a month you can check in with her and see what she thinks of the change. Meanwhile, take note of your own use of "thank you" and make sure that what you are modelling for her is genuine gratitude. I'd love to hear how this turns out--I'm wishing you the best!
Hi S.
if she is living with you then I would start to make a consequence for not saying thank you and a compliment when she does do it. if she is not living with you then this may be agood time to sit down and a formal meeting about rules and expectations at your house and include this in the conversation. Good Luck T.
I can't be sure, but maybe the "reminding her constantly" has burned her out on the whole "thank you" thing. Maybe if you lay low for a while and let her become the polite person you want her to be rather than making her the polite person. She is old enough to realize this.
Also, maybe you could require thanks before she is given items such as dinner, gifts, ice cream, etc.
Good luck!
AAh the wonderful pre-teen age is trying that is for sure. I wonder how much you are asking her to say thank you. There is a point where it could become redundent and really not required. I am very set on manners for my children, and always get comments that they are so polite, but I didn't run it in the ground. I would make sure it something that really needs addressing.. she will get it in time. Be patient.
cut her off-until she learns some manners,just give her the basic needs,tell grandparents same thing.until she learns to show proper respect an gratitude-she gets nothing.worked great for my kids.
