My subject heading is provocative, but I tried to sum things up in a nutshell. I know my son loves me but he is sooooo much more critical of me than his father and I feel like I have sacrificed so much more...even as I type this I feel foolish because I realize the mother-as-martyr thing is just so passe and complaining about it is just not ok. Right? Background: a year and a half ago my son's father left the family and left me alone to care for our 6 month old baby. He was gone for 8 months.
I am not perfect but neither is my son's father and I just feel like I get the short end of the stick despite the fact that I have never deserted my child nor called him names the way his father has (not to his face, but to me...which I still find highly disrespectful). Meanwhile my 9 yo son greets his father with hugs and kisses and me with glares, literally. My son will come out to the car from school glaring at me and I haven't even spoken a word to him. He's glaring for any number of reasons...the lettuce on his sandwich was wilted, he forgot his football for recess (how is this my fault?), I "made" him wear a sweater even though the weather got warm...it's always something.
Like most moms I am the one running around doing all the grueling work of parenting....the carpools, the shopping for food and clothes, dr. appts, scheduling activities, researching books to read, birthday gift and party planning...not to mention the nightly bedtime routine which lately I have been doing alone while the "husband" attends NA meetings every single night (that is a whole other issue).
On the weekends, having barely seen any children all week, father is relaxed and happy to see the kids which greet him with glee and shower him with affection while I, the grumpy old crone curl up in a corner full of resentment and exhausted. I read my son's journal and there is absolutely no mention of me. There are, however, MANY references to his funloving father who takes him on many weekend adventures camping etc.
I do not want my son to care any less for his father and I am thrilled that they have a good relationship. I just wonder how I will improve my relationship with my older son when a) I have a 2 yo who needs me a lot right now and b) I am so tired from being a single parent all week that I do not have much energy left over for weekend "adventures". Another thing is that his father is permissive, while I don't think a child needs to have candy and soft drinks all the time or stay up until 10p on school nights or midnight on the weekends. Therefore, while I truly believe I have my child's best interest in mind I am the bad guy and the one trying to spoil everything. I feel really defeated right now.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for all of your thoughtful and wise comments. SOme offered refreshing new insights while other reaffirmed what I suspected all along. We had a terrible morning yesterday and I am hormonal right now so that didn't help. This morning on the way to school my son said (out of the blue) "I love you Mommy" (yes, he still does call me that...)...when I told him I loved him too he then said "I wish you would go away for a while so that when you came back I could run up and jump into your arms and give you a big hug." How brilliant and timely is THAT? As the fog of my moon time clears away I can trudge forward on the wings of support i've received here from other parents...not expecting things to be easy but knowing my son needs me to be strong and continue to do what is best for him, and to love him unconditionally and expect nothing in return. That is so hard, but the rewards are great. I do think what I need is to do more "inner work"...although setting aside some time for one on one fun with my older son would be a lot for our relationship as well. Thanks again, everyone!
I understand how you feel I have an 8yo daughter who acts the same way and a hubby with a pill problem.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Here's what I think, though:
your son dotes on dad b/c he is afraid dad will leave and it will be his and your fault. He doesn't see you as separate from him and he KNOWS you will NEVER abandon him, so he can take his sorrow, pain, and fear out on you.
So you're doing the right thing by being firm. He will come to understand that, and I would bet that he alreday does, somewhere. You are not only being the bigger person between the two parents, but you are being the only real parent. He'd crumble without your strength. It is asking for martyrdom, and thank God babies have mothers. Mothers are capable of giving more than they have. That's where you are and I'm sending you some mom solidarity and a big hug. We're on your side.
And someday your baby boy will be too. Right now, I think he's just scared dad doesn't love him enough. I think it is OK to say, "honey, let's talk about all of this" and ask questions of him leading him to vocalize his feelings, but don't hope for a miracle on that. And do be careful not to shame his dad. His dad is part of him, for better or for worse. Maybe you could even (be strong here) point out dad's good points to him so that as he grows he'll know that dad isn't all drugs, abandonment and recklessness. He'll be able to see the good things in him that come from dad. I know I'd have a hard time doing that, but I really believe that you're pointout good things about son, not really about dad, and he needs that.
Your son will come around, probably not before some anger and disapointment when he figures out how crummy dad is.
I wish you luck and strength. And as a citizen of the world (with a daughter), I thank you for doing everything you do to raise a good son.
Speaking child from a broken home, your son is acting out because he is angry and upset. The first thing children do is blame themselves, then as a self defense mechanism they will blame the adult closest to them.
I would suggest counseling, this is not necessarily something you can tough out. If you don't get to the bottom of his feelings it may just get worse.
He is old enough for you to sit down and talk to him about what is going on, and suggest that he talk to a counselor. I'm also wondering what his father is saying to him when they are together, is he bad mouthing you? I have friends with similar experiences and all the ex did was bad mouth them while visiting with the child. It's a very difficult position for both you and your son to be in. The good news is that it won't last forever. He is angry now but he will get over it with your help!
Good luck!
Well, I hate to say it, but you're doing what's best for your child by setting limits and boundaries and while he may not appreciate it or understand it now, someday he will. In the meantime, he, of course, is going to adore the one who lets him get away with everything and stay up late (even though we all know it isn't good for him).
Your son is getting to the age where he may just like Dad more then Mom under the best of circumstances. Given what info you have provided, I'm sure he just isn't feeling secure about home life (and Dad in general). Maybe he feels like it's his fault that Dad left before and he is trying to overcompensate so that Dad will be really happy and not want to leave again. Honestly, there's no telling what's going on in his head, but he doesn't hate you. He is asserting his independence and trying to figure things out for himself. It's hard to tell from your post how serious the situation is. If he is being disrespectful to you or is misbehaving and not following your rules, then that isn't okay and he needs to have the discipline from you. If it's just attitude, then he may just need some time. If your husband is disrespectful to you in front of the kids, he may be picking it up from him and since he adores Dad, may think that's how he is supposed to treat you also. Again, there isn't enough info to really put the whole picture together, but I would say that if it is more serious than just a little attitude problem, then you need to be in family counseling. Especially if drugs are involved (with your hubby, you mentioned NA meetings), then you all need to be able to work through the things that have happened in the past year or two. Clearly your older son was old enough for the disruption in your family to have had an impact and he may need a third party to work through that with. My suggestion would be for you to go with your son at the very least and to get Dad involved too if at all possible (most men buck these things, but if you can get him to go, your son would probably be more willing to go and be open to it also). I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like a very difficult situation you're in and I'm sorry you're having to go through it, but some professional help might be in order to get things under control before your son hits adolesence in full force.
A., I can relate to your situation since my 8 year old son has been dealing with a lot of anger towards me for quite some time. It began rearing its ugly head in the past couple of years. This month, I finally allowed him to stay with his Dad more often while I see him 1 weekday night and one weekend night a week. I miss him a lot, but the time I now spend with him is so precious and I'm much more present when we're together. My selfish intention is that he'll begin to appreciate our relationship more and see that Dad isn't as perfect as he made him out to be. I think boys need their fathers a lot more at this age. Luckily my son has a Dad who isn't abusing alcohol or drugs and his wife is good to him. The living arrangement he has now is temporary...only taking him to the end of the school year, and part of the reason for the change is because he was acting out at school as well as pushing the boundaries with me. So far this month, he's reportedly doing much better.
I hope my experience helps to some degree. I want you to know that you're not alone.
Warmly,
L.
Don't take your son's attitude so seriously. Keep on doing what is best for him and keep the communication door wide open. Let him know he can tell you everything. Sex, drugs, whatever. He is getting to a very vunerable age. It's ok that he adores his father no matter what kind of man he is. And...be very careful not to put down his father in front of him. Remember he is a piece of his father. He may always feel closer to his Dad or he may change in a few years or when he is an adult and see the man for who he is. Divorce is touch enough and kids really never get over it. Just keep doing what is in his best interest and he will turn out just fine. Don't give in to him and don't let him play the two of you.
I have the same problem with my sons that are twins and age 7. But in my case they live with their dad and I get them every other weekend . It tears me apart when I go and pick them up and they throw a fit about coming with me for the weekend . I have no idea why they do this because I do nothing wrong to them for them not to come visit me . I guess what you can do in your case is try spending one on one time with your son . Like try the movies or take him out to dinner . Just the two of you ! Talk to him about school ! See whats on his mind ! I noticed with my boys they don't like to give me kisses any more . I guess its just their way of saying mom I am to old for this . Especially in public ! My 5 year old even is afraid to give me kisses . I guess its a boy thing . I wish you luck !! Let me know if the movies or dinner thing works or any thing else . Try taking him to do stuff he likes and has an interest in .My kids like rodeo's, monster truck shows , car races , carnivals , camping ,etc.
I hate to hear that. I think most moms fear this will happen to them -- and I know many moms are in the same position. My suggestion would be to try and develop a special something that only you and your son share. Like a routine, sport, outing, or hobby of some kind. You can develop a likeness. It is hard being a mom to a boy who loves loves loves his daddy and prefers him over you.
Remember that boys love their moms, even if it may not seem like it now. He will always love you and this is just a phase, if you treat it positively. I wonder who he will call for when he's sick or hurt?
girl i hear you. although circumstances differ in our situations, my husband works out of town alot and is rarely at home. i am continously the bad guy. it gets very old. then when he is at home, anything goes. he gets all the glory. my two yr old daughter told me the other day she doesn't love me she loves dad. but i think as mom's we just have to deal. we know they love us, and we do what we have to do. i feel for you girl. wish there was more advice that i could give. if anyone gives you anything good pass it along to me.
i also noticed that you are a stay at home mom. have you ever considered starting a stay at home business? i have stumbled onto a really great one. there is no sales, or inventory to keep, no parties to throw or magazines to pass out. you can do it full time or part time and basically make as much money as the effort you want to put into it. if you are interested in some more information please visit my website at www.formyrugrats.com. i would love to share this amazing opportunity with you!!!
D. Mattern
The MOM Team
Raise your income and your rugrats at the same time!
www.formyrugrats.com
"The only thing that counts is faith, expressing itself through love," Galatians 5:6
This is truly a sad post…pointedly, it’s not unfamiliar. I like that you remarked at the outset it wasn’t ok for mothers to complain about their lot in life with respect to the adversities of child-rearing, particularly when you’re doing it alone. I am sorry for the loss of your marriage, as I imagine you never thought in your wildest dreams the man whose children you would bear would leave you to fend for yourself. It is encouraging to hear he still participates in the lives of his children.
That brings me to my first point: depending on how your split occurred, it’s seems pretty likely your nine year old has placed the blame for the split on you. Have you tried sitting him down and having a conversation with him about you? Has your child ever been allowed to see the humane side of your personality as opposed to your maternal side? Children are more sensitive these days (I think it’s the general softening of the public in general, coupled with the ridiculous amount of restraint the law places on parents currently) and as a result, their emotions are evolving at a much more rapid pace than ever before. You’d also be amazed at what a kid can comprehend, particularly as they get closer to and enter puberty. My advice to you is to reach out to him and show him you’re not just “mom” but also a person. A person with feelings who is a brand new situation and could use all the help they can get. He’ll come around. He may love you, but he has to learn a healthy respect for you. Reach out to him and show him he’s still important to you. I realize that may be difficult with a 2 year old, but he has to get time as well.
No one ever said motherhood would be easy, and these days it is tougher than it has ever been. A great confluence of things are happening around us daily and it’s very important we maintain focus of ourselves and our loved ones. Communication is more important than ever before, and the road to healing with your son can begin with a difficult, but necessary conversation about what’s going on with you and what has him so angry. I wish for the best for you and I have every confidence you’ll heal your relationship with your son.
A friend of mine had the same or similar experience. She made arrangements to spend a week away (studying/interviewing,) and left the kids with their dad for the entire week.
They had been doing the same thing (disrespect, complaints, lack of $$ to do things like they did with their dad); when she returned, they were so thrilled and appreciative of all that had previously been taken for granted. They soon discovered that dad just could not do "all the daily routine important things that mom made look so effortless."
Remember, our kids take things out on those they love the most...and absence really can make the heart grow fonder.
I understand where you are and why you feel the way you do. I am a single mother of three and spend a lot of nights crying and praying only to wake up to the same agony the next morning. I bite my tongue day in and out about the lack of participation from my son’s father. I’ve struggled to be the bigger person and plead with him to be more involved with the children he left behind. My ex-husband has a new family and views his sons as burdens and my sons see him as a super hero. I, on the other hand, am the unjust warden. In addition, I work full time, so I do not have the privilege of giving my children the attention they need which has caused numerous behavior issues in my six year old and my ten year old with failing grades. Free time for myself is non-existent, so again, I say that I understand far to well.
The best advice I can give you is keep your head up, stay focused and firm. Find a positive outlet so that you can vent on the bad days. Your son will not appreciate you today but he WILL appreciate you (sure as the sky is blue), just as I do my mom. I have an immense understanding of what she went through raising four kids alone and it is her strength in me that keeps me grinding forward. I do not know if I am guaranteed better days. I some how doubt it, but I do know that I have a moral obligation to make sure the children that I brought into this world have the best of what I can give them. Providing for my children brings me pleasure that I can not describe just as doing in a lone comes with pain.
