her father has a new girlfriend. they have been dating for about 2 months which is when the random panic/anxiety attacks started at bed time. She has them with me a majority of the time, to my knowledge has only happened once while with him or his mother. The new gf is completely moved in already as well. I don't know if its change with the new gf, the separation overall or something else. I am arranging for a time to meet with her dad so we can discuss what may be causing this, we are very civil and know that she comes first before anything. I just don't understand the anxiety being random, she wants me to sleep with her in her bed, or on the couch in the living room and the she said she will be fine. I know she is crying out for something but thinks she is either scared to say for whatever reason or just don't know how to say it
Anxiety like this is a clinical problem. She needs to be seen by a pediatric psychologist.
Look into CBT therapy. Short term and awesome for treating anxiety. Very empowering way to deal with negative thoughts, anxiety and depression.
Updated
Look into CBT therapy. Short term and awesome for treating anxiety. Very empowering way to deal with negative thoughts, anxiety and depression.
She's insecure. Her family has been destroyed as she knows it.
With dad having a new live in... it solidifies that her parents will not get back together.
Love her, get her to some counseling so she knows the breakdown of her family was not her fault.
I don't know how long you've been divorced or separated but this is pretty shitty on the dad's part.
Thank you for looking after her and prioritizing her, as you should be doing.
To a degree this is fairly normal - her family life has completely changed and she's insecure.
I think there might be some counseling for this and some family therapy to get into a good co-parenting routine would be good too.
Is there another adult she can trust at her school, at an activity, or at a religious institution? In addition to you and her father working this out (which is a great step), it may be that for some reason she can't or is afraid to tell you specifically. She might be afraid that you don't want to hear whatever it is that she has to say or would get mad at her or whatever. Even though that might not be logical, she's 9 and that's often how children that age think. So if there is someone else who can help her put her feelings into words and brainstorm with her on talking to you (and her dad) that might help.
At various times over the years, some of my kids have wanted to sleep with me - for comfort or going through stressful time. It was a phase, and they decided eventually they didn't need to any more. I likened it to when they had night terrors and came and slept on our floor - and once they felt secure/comforted, they went back to their own rooms.
I have a child with anxiety and I had another who acted out a bit when they were feeling uncomfortable in a new school environment. Both of them learned tips on how to deal with anxiety. It helped a great deal. Breathing, calming themselves down, how to express how they were feeling (I just listened), etc. For one child, we saw a child psychologist - just a few sessions. Helped my kid to know that many children go through this.
I think it's great you're addressing this and will with the father. I don't get why the girlfriend has moved in - that's definitely likely what's causing your daughter to feel stressed - it's just changed the whole dynamic and stability as she knows it. Not to say she won't adjust - but maybe ask her father to do some extra things with her one on one - so she knows she's still loved and #1 in his life.
