In December I asked for help with 9 year that is "growing up" too fast. We never fully got over the make up, grown up clothes or compromising with her Dad on what is appropriate. Now...went she comes home from her Dad's her hair hasn't been combed and it very obvious and has black mascara smeared below her eye and on the eye lid. Her clothes are sometimes wrinkled or stained. This morning she attempt to leave the house wearing a shirt from her dad's that she just wore that was stained, wrinkled and 3x too big. Her hair combed but not looking good (looked like she woke up) and tons of eye make up that was not fully washed off the night before. She says all the kids do it and it is cool and "Dad lets me do it". Is this normal? Are other 9/10 year olds in 4th grade doing the same thing?
My son is 9 and he says none of the girls in his class wear make up. I know things are different now but I wasn't allowed to wear make up til 12 and even then only lipstick
9 years old seems a bit early for those kind of challenges. I think I would probably say "Well, dad may let you do it, but you are in my house now!"
L.,
It is very frustrating I bet competing with, "but DAD lets me do it!" It has to be hard on you to have to be the parent in her life since it sounds like you have no support from her dad. You can always respond with, "Well, you might do it at Dad's house, but not at our house." It is so tempting sometimes just to let them do what they want, but 9 yrs old is WAY TOO early to be wearing makeup except for fun around the house..........dress-up. You can explain to her that make-up is not worn my little girls because it hides her beautiful face. I am not sure what kind of relationship or terms you have with her dad, but maybe try talking to him about your concerns. Tell him that you want your daughter to learn to be ok with herself, and want her to wear and look age appropriate. Have a fun day with her to see if there are any under-lying problems, and play dress-up with makeup to show her that for kids her age it is only appropriate to do it at home. Get her to look in the mirror and tell you all the things that she likes about herself.............and see where it goes from there. Have her watch you get ready........fixing your hair.....wearing clean clothes.......etc.
Hopefully it is just a stage..........as they have SOOOO many of those "Stages". Good luck......you sound like a great mom that really cares deeply about your daughter!
D.
Our youngest is a girl in 6th grade. Neither she or any of her friends or classmates have started wearing make-up like that. The most they're doing at this age (11-12) is lip gloss. If there's a special event, like the recent Girl Scout Father/Daughter dance, I will help her put on a bit of shadow and a touch of mascara, but that's it. When she shows an interest, as your daughter is already doing, I will get her the clear mascara, light pink eyeshadow, and a VERY pale blush to go along with her supply of lip glosses. I would suggest that unless you're willing to draw the line and say no to makeup just yet, you get her the clear mascara, etc., and help her pick out a hair brush that she really likes. Explain to her without scolding that we just don't leave the house looking like we just got up. To be treated with respect, it's important that we look like we respect ourselves. Good luck to you, and I hope I've said something that's useful to you.
PS If you do NOTHING else, get her some good non-oil based eye makeup remover and some cotton balls.
NO thats not normal! I bet her teachers are wondering what the heck is going on at home! Im sorry but 4th graders dont need to wear make-up, especially horrible makeup. I think my mom allowed me to wear make up when I was 12 or 13 to cover up breakouts, but thats about it. If you dont get a handle on it soon you are really going to have your hands full for many years to come. Remember you are her Mom, what Mom says goes, Im not sure how she is getting out of the house like that unless you allow it, if you do allow it, she will continue. Sounds like she needs guidence. And please dont worry that she says "Dad lets me do it". If it were up to my husband my daughter would be wearing a tutu everyday.....um no! Schools also have policies on how kids dress and look as far as hygeine, as well as jobs do when she grows up. I suggest spending some extra time with her and get to the bottom of why shes doing this. I may just print this out for when my daughter becomes a preteen monster! Good luck!
Do you really care if other kids do it or if Dad let's her do it, whether they reall do or not? Dads, grandparents, friends' parents are always going to do things differently than you. That's not the point. What do you want? How are things going to be at your house?
How a kid dresses is a way of expressing themselves, but there are a few lines you should draw. She can't go out in dirty/stained clothes. That is not a slam of her style or anything, it's just a basic principle. She can't wear make-up PERIOD! She is too young and tell her it is bad for her skin. I'm not sure if it is or isn't, but that's what I would say.
If her dad let's her wear make up and she comes home with it on, show her how to appropriately remove it the minute she comes home. If she comes home in dirty/stained clothes have her take a shower and change into clean clothes. Don't make it a battle whether she should or shouldn't be doing it at dad's. It would be great if dad was on the same page, but that is something you can't control and you'll just make it worse.
Have this discussion when it is NOT an current issue. Have the conversation whne things are mellow, maybe you're doing dishes together or folding laundry or shopping. Let her know that you and she are not going to see eye to eye about clothes now and in the future. Let her know that some of her style choices are going to bug you, that you will try be flexible. BUT, you need to tell her what line she can not cross. No dirty clothes, no too short skirts,no cleavage, whatever your line is. That way she knows up front what line she is not suppose to cross. Be assured she will push that line as far as she can and she will cross it. Get ready to deal with that.
L.,
There is a program I'm going to refer you to that deals with such issues... and a WHOLE lot more!!
www.thetotaltransformation.com
I really like this program and think all parents should have it. Give it a look-see.
ls
I wanted to agree with Casey...go to the school. Ask the teacher also or talk to other moms at the school. Good luck and God Bless.
Don't you just love the TWEENS!!! I know my daughter's school don't allow the girls to wear makeup until 5th grade, and even then the 5th graders aren't really wearing much. Just an occassional lip gloss and eye shadow. I have never seen any of the 5th or 6th graders at our school like how you discribe your daughter. Not to say that it's not like that at other schools... I would pop in and have a look, but chance are she's pulling your chain and seeing how far she can push you...she knows she can push pretty far and get away with a lot with dad. I would giver her a choice, wear it correctly or not at all. Be firm, and mean it!(take the make up away) You have to put down boundries and stick with them now matter how mad they get, no matter what they say. It's not easy, but it is well worth it if you are consistant. Best of luck to you. ~H.
i also have a 9 yr old which thinks she is 16. ours just thinks she can wear make-up and wants to shave her legs!! help!! our big problem is she never wants to go to bed so it's fight every night.do you have the same problem?
I would make a surprise visit over lunch at her school to see her and see if "everyone" else is doing it too, I bet they are not. I remember a few years ago when I had lunch with my then 5th grade son, that there was only 1 girl that I saw with up on and on top of that it was WAY TOO MUCH for her age.
I bet it is stemming from dad's still and dad letting her get away with it...
What about looking around for some etique classes or even modeling class training for her... Have someone else showing her proper ways to be a lady, might sink in. Not saying you have to put her into modeling, but just the classes to help train her from a different prespective.
