8 Year Old Daughter Having Trouble Expression Emotion in an 8 Year Old Way

BESIDES the techniques you're using, you need to talk CONSTANTLY about what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior. TALK ABOUT OPTIONS!!! Not just about HER behavior, but things you might see happening in the grocery store, on TV, etc. How does she feel OBSERVING those behaviors?

When she says she is ANGRY----and it's not appropriate, give her an ALTERNATIVE, i.e. DISAPPOINTED. We do this ALL the time and it REALLLY does help. In addition, you need to have conversation about the fact that SHE controls how she handles it. THEREFORE, if she's MAD about something, then she's the one who can change that, NOT ANYONE ELSE and DONT try! Talk about coping skills and WHY they are important. Make up situations if you have to, and talk about options for handling and possible emotions tied to them.

Had to chuckle reading your blog. I could not have said it better myself. You are NOT ALONE! Nine is the golden year. Hold on!!! My daughter is 7 going on 8. Our children are "finding themselves". They are becoming little adults in the fast paced world and are trying to learn to express themselves. The world expects so much of children these days between learning technology and peer pressure is in the moment now for our little ladies. They see iCarly and Hanna Montana and are majorily influenced by the grown up world and who has what. Having a large social circle is beginning now. they dont understand why one person is nice one day and not so nice the next. This person at school is supposed to be their friend and poof one day they say they are not! Our girls are crushed by this ongoing cycle of socialism and just are not confident enough yet or found themselves yet to think to themselves...so what! Be strong and supportive to your little lady. Let her talk! Talk to your little chatter box and let her express herself and gain confidence within her own world. Listen ALOT and ask her what she thinks and support her in her realm of thought. Nine is golden...she will pan out. Therapy is not for her..she is being normal, she is growing up and trying to adjust and find stability and who she is as a person. Think about it....you say she is having trouble trying to express in an "8 year old way". Is this a standard that you have set for her to behave in? and because she has not upheld to it...it is not normal??? Forgive me for being crass but this is not my first 8yr old experience. Sometimes,,,it is us who need the therapy because we do not know what to do setting big expectations where WE think our kids should be in life. Think back to what your grandmother did with you. Not your mother but your grandmother. Go back a few generations and you will find all your answers. Go to the library...find books on her level and let her read about situations on her own. Love and support her, let her be her. And for you...relax....enjoy. You are her role model. She is listening to everything around her and what you say right now at face value and not completely understanding the consequence. I am an older mom at 44 with a 7yr old and she is finding herself and I am going through pre-menopause lol. I find that some of my daughters "episodes" are just compounded by me just not slowing down enough and listening to what she is really saying or asking her what she think she should do in the current situation. "The clash". When she doesnt make sense to YOU, she makes perfect sense to HER. Sometimes WE need the light-bulb to go on not the child. You havent lost your daughter. She wants to be understood by YOU. Hold on tight mom...this will not be the last ladder for you two to climb. Teenager is right around the corner. Peace - Love - and Lavender Bath!
In the same boat-
Mom from Indiana

Hello!
My daughter is 7, and in 1st grade. Recently, we went through a rough patch with her emotions as well, and after some talking and listening, I was able to link it to some social problems she was having at school. There were some girls who thought it was funny to exclude her and the other girls followed suit, not wanting to be excluded themselves. Also, she had this other wishy-washy friend who liked her one day and not the next. She was crying all the time, arguing with me about every decision I made, not playing with her brother, bossing her friend that lives down the hall, and (heart-tug) constantly asking me if I loved her (apparently nervous that I would change my mind about loving her like her "friends" did). After I was able to understand why she was behaving the way she did, I was able to help her understand herself and talk through things better. One of my proudest days as a mother was last week when she was able to approach one of the girls who was bullying her and talk to her about it and they worked things out all on their own! Anyway, I think that there could be something going on with your daughter that maybe she hasn't told you about. Unfortunately, elementary age kids can be pretty mean (even without knowing it). This emotion-management stuff seems like a good idea, but perhaps it is treating the symptoms rather than the cause.
Best of luck,
J.

I guess I have to ask this, (not trying to start to a fight with you, not trying to be judgmental, just trying to get a better feeling for the situation, okay?) what is the appropriate way for an 8 year old to express emotion? And what is an emotion clock? How can a clock tell you when it is all right to express emotions? I will ask my child's therapist about this one, it is new to me and this is the 3rd child I have been in therapy with!!!

I have a brother 9 years younger, have raised 2 children (1 is 28 and 1 is now 30), had a foster child live with me for 2 1/2 years (now 29), and am currently raising an 11 year old. They all expressed emotions differently at different ages. I still cry over books and movies and they make fun of me because I don't cry over normal life situations unless I am furious!

Having a temper trantrum is not appropriate at any age, is it? Yelling at an adult is not appropriate at any age, is it? Neither of these require a clock to tell us it is now okay to express this. There is no hour on the clock when it is okay to express yourself this way.

The one thing I admit to having experienced is that while someone is in therapy for any reason the problem gets worse before it gets better and the people around the person being treated get the joy of having to deal with things getting worse for awhile before they get better.

Yelling at me or my husband resulted in getting sent to their rooms for awhile and them having to explain to us why they thought it was all right to yell at us before they were allowed to be with the rest of the family. If it meant they had to eat dinner alone, so be it. Having a temper trantrum resulted in the removal of priveleges, being sent to their room until they calmed down, whatever they wanted when the trantrum started they did not get period.

We even tried the chart thing and reward program. If you do not yell at me for one day you get a special reward, like to pick out dinner the next night, to watch a special show, something small. If you don't yell at me for a week then the you get a bigger reward like to pick out a movie or game the whole family can play on the weekend. Or you can pick out someplace special we can go on Saturday, or you don't have to do your chores for a day or can have a friend over to spend the night.

My best advise is to sit down with her and let her explain how she feels about things and why. My best bet is that she doesn't know and can't express that either. I hear the "I don't know why I yelled at you and I know it wasn't right to do it but I did it anyway" and that results in going back to your room. I am lucky that the bedroom contains only a bed, dresser, desk, and bookcases. There is a radio and writing and drawing paper in the desk drawers to help him express himself if he wants to use them for that instead of homework. I do not allow computers, games, TV's, etc., to be in the bedroom with the exception of a couple of stuffed animals he slept with and used as security items when he was a baby.

I will keep you in my prayers but I don't think this is anything that will get better as the teenage years approach if you don't get a handle on it now.

sounds like something is off balance. i would see a naturopathic doctor or get some homeopathic remedies to help her. you know when you are PMS-y or pregnant, and your emotions are just out of control up and down? sounds like she's got some physical/hormonal issues that make it hard to control even if she has the desire.

one thing that has helped us-- we tell our kids that it's ok to feel mad/sad/angry, but they need to go in their rooms until they can calm down. so they have a place to get all their emotion out. it's good to let it all out and move on, rather than suppress such a strong emotion and hold it inside.

I was this ways a child. My mom tells stories about mood swings and such. I always took things out on her the worst, but was fine at school and in public. Looking back, I needed things to be a certain way- my way. I didn't know how to calm myself down when I got worked up and I got worked up about little things like- not getting the right shoes, or having to wait to get something. Books on sensory integration have helped me figure out why I was this way.
I think you may need to focus on a very strict routine to help prevent things that are unexpected from happening. This way you are in control, really. Focus on helping her work through one issue at a time. For instance, in the beginning focus on getting ready in the morning. You can anticipate a break down in routine and help her work through it by offering choices or a reward for getting through it with out a tanturm. Empower her a little and give her the feeling she is calling the shots. Try to keep the rest of the day structured but don't fight every battle with her. When she does have a melt down, be consistent and always do the same thing. What I do with my son is say, "I always love you, but you are acting naughty and I am going to leave. Come find me when you are ready". She may also need a hug or some hands on support to get throught it. Don't worry, according to my mom and "the books" she just needs to learn the strategies to stay in control when she really feels out of control.

sounds like an attention thing...but it might not be anything at all. I experienced this with all 3 of my girls. My youngest is 3 though, she picked it up from her sisters who are 13 and 11. They were like that at age 10 and 8. So its probably normal, its a button pushing way. My thirteen year old is worse than my 11 year old who used to be awful. I call them drama queens, because if nothing goes their way and the world to them is ending...just reassurance always works...and letting them know that you are there to listen. As long as you give some attention (positively), than her attitude might change a little. I know how frustrating it can be. And you aren't doing anything wrong at all. It could be a problem with friends or school too, the teacher not giving adequate attention to her. She needs some one on one time. When my girls act up, I listen and show them that I'm here and give advice to them...I also let them know that its hard for certain people to give everything they need or want to those who are asking. Just be patient. Good Luck!

Hi there B.
Your entry reminds me of a friend that was having trouble with her son along the same lines as what you are saying about your daughter. She put him on a gluten free diet and she swears that has changed everything. He will have some products from time to time that are not gluten free and she said she tell a difference in him almost immediately. Also the other thing that came to mind is a dye free diet. There are so many dyes in certain foods. Kraft Mac n Cheese, jello, kool aid, M & M's etc. It might be worth a try to change her diet and see if you notice any differences. I will tell you, you may have to change yours along with hers for her to really try it. You can tell her that you are on board with her about this. Good luck! I really hope this helps your daughter.

B.,

It sounds like she is going through the nine year change a little bit early. Not something most people know about (unless they are aware of Rudolf Steiner or go to a Waldorf school).

Parents of nine year olds often wonder, "Who are you and what did you do with my sweet child?!"

Children at this age can become very critical and argumentative, or very moody and withdrawn. They will frequently have nightmares, stomachaches or headaches. Many become very anxious, especially if they are academically ahead. Some of them may complain that no one at school likes them, or may become self-conscious about being somehow "different" from the other children. "It's not fair!" is heard daily in my house! :) But my son is almost 10 now, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

I urge you go to www.informedfamilylife.org and put "nine year change" in the search box halfway down on the right hand side. That will give you a page of articles, and the sixth one down is "Parenting the Nine Year Old" by Rahima Baldwin Dancy. Click on that. It is a great article to help understand this phase. And it IS a phase! It, too, shall pass! :)

Hang in there, and look for empathy from other moms with eight to ten year olds!

Blessings,
J.

Hi B.,
My heart goes out to you and your daughter. As I was reading your request the only thing that came to mind was that something has happened in her world since Dec. that has effected her and she is reaching out for help. I don't want to upset you but is there a chance someone is abusing her in some way and your not aware of it? Has a new adult entered her life since Dec.? Does she have the same emotional swings at school? Is she being bullied and doesn't want to say anything? I think it's good that she is in therepy but since what the Dr. is trying isn't working have you communicated that to the Dr. is he/she willing to try something else? Is she on any medication that could be having a strange side effect for her?

Obviously you are a caring mom and reaching out in all ways you can so don't beat yourself up, we all do the best we can. Good luck!

Some things I would like to share are as follows. I am not sure if you've heard of precocious puberty or not, but my daughter who is 6 has it. She started puberty when she was 5. The first thing I noticed about her was how she was acting "hormonal". More like in a teen way. Not saying that that is what is going on with your daughter, but the possiblities are out there. Another thing is is there a jealousy issue with her siblings? Another thing I'd like to tell you and I know you already know this, but we are all in the same boat as to figuring out our kids and what works for them and us. You are not doing anything wrong. Is there a bully at school? Another definate thing that brings on my daughters moodiness is lack of sleep. She doesn't nap anymore and hasn't for a long time, but when she's tired even when I'm not sure why she would be this behavior exists. Is your daughter sleeping enough? Sleep deprivation is a bear, even if you don't even realize your kids aren't getting enough, their behavior is the biggest clue. When my daughter starts up with her attitude or unacceptable behavior she has to go to our time-out spot. Even though she plays it off like it doesn't bother her, sure enough 5 minutes into it she's asking if she's done yet. I don't have a time limit for her. She comes out after she has thought about what she has done or how she's been acting and when she's ready to change the attitude or apologize she can come out. It works. It's a choice for her. I also feel my daughter rarely has a good day anymore because of how her hormones effect her. If it is puberty related watch out for B.O., breast puffiness and growth spurts. It's important to express your happiness with her good behavior and fill her love tank with what she enjoys. Read the book "The Five Love Languages of Children". Great book on how to discover your daughters love language and how to nurture it. Each of my 3 are so different.

Everyone has trouble expressing emotions adequately, and nobody's immune from it. One person told me his philosophy: Expectations and reality are two differnet things. She has expectations on what she wants/hopes will happen and what actually happens can be quite different.

That's probably part of the equation. Another part of the equation is she's 8. Puberty could be on it's way too.

Let her know that it's okay for her to be upset, but that throwing tantrums, screaming, yelling and crying are not the answer to get her any closer to what she wants. There are appropriate ways to deal with her frustration (or being mad or upset, whatever). My parents used to tell us, "Go to your room until you can talk to me like you know how." We tell our 5 year old she has to calm down, talk to us in a normal voice, and explain why she's upset/frustrated/whatever. Sometimes we can find a way to help, sometimes not, but we won't know that until we can calm down and talk about it rationally.

When I was about that age, my parents took me to therapy and the LAST thing I was going to do was talk openly/honestly about what I was feeling because I felt like it didn't matter what I told him, he was going to "take sides" with my mother. A lot of what I was mad about was having a brother 4 years younger than me. I wanted a baby-sister, and I thought it was his fault. Moreover, him being born a boy - that's something completely beyond my realm of control. BUT my actions are within my realm of control. My actions were getting me in trouble, and if I didn't want to be in trouble, then I'd have to quit acting in ways that got me in trouble.

Boiled down: There are consequences to your actions. As Dr. Phil says, if you choose the behavior, you choose the consequence. She needs to be able to predict with 100% accuracy what's going to happen when she acts up. Since she's 8 years old, I'm not sure if "time outs" (IF they're done effectively like Supernanny instructs them to be done) would be effective, or if it would be better to give her a "reflection spot" somewhere quiet in the house and a reflection journal that she can write in to express what feelings she's having that led her to her meltdown, and maybe ideas of how she could have handled things differently (another Supernanny idea).

Regardless of which technique you use, help her to understand that yelling/screaming/crying/temper tantrums are not the answer and won't be tolerated. And if things get to that point then there will be consequences based on the severity of the occurance.

For what it's worth, and good luck!

Find a therapist that specializes in "Play Therapy". When my exhusband and I split I took my daughter (around the same age as your 8yo) to 1 therapist for 2 visits and it just wasn't right. I found out about "Play Therapy" and a local therapist who specializes in it. It was the BEST move I made. My daughter has come so far since the split. While she still has occasional meltdowns and sees the therapist every 3-4 weeks, she is a pleasure to be around. There is light at the end of the tunnel. YOU CAN do this.