Ah the politics of childhood friendships...
Early last fall we moved to this neighborhhood from out of state. We knew no one and my 8 year old son had just started 2nd grade here. From the first day we waited for the bus he befriended another child in the neighborhood who was just going into kindergarten (there's a year and 3 months age difference between them). During those first months I remember the friend talking about another boy in the neighborhood, how he didn't like him anymore, they weren't friends etc. Well apparently this was the boy that my son's new friend played with before my son came along...and he still liked him just fine according to the new friend's grandmother. When my son was added to the mix his new friend glomped onto him and didn't like playing with the old friend anymore. My son had no problem playing with the both of them together but inevitably the kindergartener (the new friend) would leave the mix after not too long. Incidentally the cast aside friend was a 3rd grader and does not go to school w/ my son or the other little boy. Ok, this is all fine and dandy...I'm just trying to explain past behavior w/ this new friend of my son's. The school year goes by and this child, the kindergartener, is down at our place every chance he can get. Every day off they have 9:30 to 10:00am ding-dong...there he is, every friday afternoon as well. And my son and him always seem to be argueing...obviously not best friend material. They also seem to compete a lot about what games they'll play, who's turn it is etc. etc. etc...it's tiresome. If the arguement gets really out of hand my son will ask him to leave but he won't. There's also one phrase I simply cannot stand in my house and I've heard it way too many times w/ this child "If you don't do such n' such or give me such n' such I won't be your friend"...ARRRGGGHH, I hate that phrase! I told this kid if I heard him use it in my house I myself would ask him to leave. But other than that I usually let them to themselves...arguing or not. My problem (yes, some of you are probably saying GET TO THE POINT!!) This kid, the one who's been at my house virtually every day off since last October recently made friends w/ another kid on the bus who lives about 3 blocks further away...ok, no big deal right? My son knows this new child...has ridden the bus w/ him, likes him, and they have interests in common...no problem right? Ah, but here's the rub...my son's old friend, the one who's in kindergarten doesn't like playing with the both of them at the same time...and is just plain rude to my son when they do. He shoved a video game (a new one that just came out that my son and him had discussed) in my son's face, literally like 2 inches away and yelled "In your face!!" He's grabbed a game controller out of his hand when my son brought over a star wars game that the new friend said he liked and would like to play. So basically, the day before school lets out and the one friend that my son played with consistantly through the school year has cast my son aside for this new kid. I just know that when asked why he's not playing w/ my son anymore he'll reply "Because I don't like him" or other such nonsense. But I also know the next time this newest friend isn't available that this kid will come knocking at our door wanting to play with my son. I asked my son if his feelings were hurt by this or if he was jealous...he said "yeah, a little" (he's very stoic). I explained to him that some kids aren't very good at combining their friends into one playgroup. He seems to understand this. He claims he and this kid are still friends which is fine but I warned him that if this happened once w/ this kid (well...twice w/ if you consider the other boy in the neighborhood...the older friend from before we got here) it would probably happen again. I try to stay out of the politics bewtween my child and his friends but sometimes I feel a cautionary warning about someone and their behavior is necessary. Or telling him there's nothing wrong w/ sticking up for himself or leaving if someone isn't treating him nice is fine. Am I wrong in warning him to stay cautious of this friend if he happens to come back around (which he will) or should I just stay out of it alltogether?
Sorry for the long-winded-ness...guess I'm venting as well. ;)
Thanks for the answers so far you guys...but I just want to clarify that there's not a huge age gap between my son and this boy. My son turned 8 in late March and this boy turns 7 in early July. So that's only 1 year and 3 months. Not that big a difference. I really like this boy's family but the boy himself has very poor manners, never says thank you and never cleans up after himself. I just grit my teeth sometimes. I feel for my son but I also know if my son chooses to play with him or remain his friend that I can't really choose his friends for him. Inevitable I'm not going to like every one. I just remember what it was like as a child w/ friends like this. It hurts when they treat you badly. I just want my son to know he doesn't have to take it. Remaining friends w/ someone who treats you badly or drops you for the next best thing sometimes isn't worth it.
I would give him the word of warning, and let it go at that. This will be the first in a long line of learning what a "true friend" is. He will find friends that won't treat him this way. Maybe he has a friend from school who can come over to play sometimes. You and the other mom may have to furnish transportation, but I think it would be worth it.
Does your son have any interest in cultivating a friendship with the kindergartner's new friend? Perhaps you should call and invite him over. I think at this age, socializing is still a very selfish activity. Warning your son about this neighbor boy is absolutely worth your while, but then if your son wants to play with him, let them. And if he doesn't, help him come up with an excuse. The good news is that these years will only be a foggy memory by the time he reaches high school.
Ok. The kinder kid is what 5 years old and your son is 8? Some kids at that kinder age do have trouble "sharing" friends. My son has a classmate that doesn't want my son talking to other kids or bringing in other friends when he and my son are playing together. Some kids aren't taught to share friendships or anything for that matter. Sounds like your son is lovely and will always have friends. I would also tell my son don't be surprised if kinderkid gets tired of new friend and shows up at our door. I would also say it would be his choice to play with the child but would dissuade him from making or thinking this kid would ever be a BFF. You are not wrong to warn him. I would incourage your son to invite a classmate over, someone his own age and let him bond with the kids he is going to grow up with and in the same grade.
Get him some books on friendship:
http://www.google.com/search?q=books+on+friendship+for+bo...
If you are a single Mom, the Big Brother, Big Sister organization is great for children. It is a mentoring program.
Here is the link:
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1539751/k.BDB6/H...
It can provide great role modeling for a child... my friend did this for her son. She is a single parent. And it helps immensely.
And yes, he is only 8... and you NEED to intercede and guide him and let him know what values are... and teach him how to stick up for himself... how to express himself and articulate things and how he feels too.
Also get books for yourself, on raising boys:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3...
good luck,
Susan
In my opinion, for what it's worth, it's time, time time for a time out.
My daughter had far more drama with neighborhood girls than my son ever did and they always wanted to be at my house until another kid came a long. We invited my daughter's best friend to come over for a family bbq, planned in advance, including a sleepover and things were fine until another girl came and knocked on the door from a few blocks over that we didn't know.
Well, the girl went to my daughter's friends house first, mom said her daughter was at my house (instead of saying her daughter wasn't available to play), and to make a long story short, the girl talked my daughter's friend into going to her house instead. She packed up her stuff and left. I called the mom just so she would know that her daughter had left with another girl and wasn't in my care any longer and left it at that. Her mom didn't say she was sorry or send her daughter back over or anything. It hurt my daughter's feelings.
So.....I imposed a time out. Not because my daughter did anything wrong, but because I would never have allowed my daughter to do something like that. Just walk out on someone and plans because someone else showed up. I turned my daughter's friend away for two weeks every single day she came over and wanted to play. She came over in her bathing suit and wanted to swim. I told her I was sorry, but she would have to go back home...my daughter couldn't play right then.
Ironically, the mom confronted me about not being nice to her daughter.
I was never rude to her daughter. And I found it strange that plans we had made in advance were scrubbed when a different girl came to collect her daughter's things to take her somewhere else and her mom saw nothing wrong with it. Her mom never called me to say plans had changed. I would have invited the other girl at least for dinner, but she was on a mission to get the other girl out of there and that's the way it went. So...two week time out. My daughter and her friend made up, but that other girl still came to the house looking for Ali and wanting her to leave. When she did, I packed her stuff up and sent her home because she never once said she wanted to stay. She never once said, "I'll play with you later, I'm here for right now"..
She would just get up and go.
I didn't think it was polite at all and I didn't harp on it too much, but my daughter got a really good lesson on how NOT to treat people.
You have the right to turn any child away that comes to your house.
You have the right to explain to your son that not all kids can play nicely together and even if he feels left out sometimes, he will know some compassion and not treat other kids that way.
If he is not being treated nicely, there is nothing wrong with him excusing himself to come home.
If they can't play nicely, and he gets to be the third wheel, well then, they can function on two wheels. If you know what I mean. My daughter was very social and loved her friends but I taught her manners and ettiquette and some kids don't have that. In some situations, I got to where it wasn't my place to teach other kids nice manners.
Your son should never feel so hard up for friends that he will take being treated badly. Not all people will treat him that way.
A new batch of friends who can get along might be just what he needs to get his self esteem and inner strength rolling.
Get him into a martial arts class or something. It's not about fighting, it's actually about self restraint and thinking about your inner peace. I think it's good for boys.
Some kids are opportunists. Sad as I am to say that.
They might not like your son, but if there's no one else around, he'll do in a pinch.
I never had much patience for those types of kids around my own because I didn't want my kids to act that way.
I hope you get some great responses.
Best wishes.
My response to my kids when they are having "issues" with other children is well, go find someone else to play with or sorry maybe you and your sister can play a game or something. I don't play into any of the she isn't my friend today.
It sounds to me like Kindergartner is learning how to manipulate others very well. Tell your son sometimes people are not as nice as you would like them to be. Is there someone at school we can call, like Ben or Jimmy or whomever?
Then start having kids from school who are his age come over and play. Broaden his horizons. Get him involved in Cub Scouts, soccer, baseball. Music lessons.
Age doesn't seem to be a big deal once you get to your 20's but when you are 8 and the other one is 5 it is a big deal. Help him find kids his own age.
