6Th Grader Underachieving and Love and Logic

I don't know anything about this love and logic thing, but what I'm thinking it is, shouldn't be applied to this situation, nor towards older kids in general. It may work while our kids are younger, but older children need constant guidance, rules and parenting. With your child, you definately have to encourage and push him to do better, not saying that you have to ride his tail on it, but motivation is a huge factor. Get involved with his work and let him know how proud you are for him trying so hard, and talking to him on a daily basis about how important it is to learn and learn and learn. There will be some things that are boring, but some classes with quench his thirst for learning.

As a teacher and a mom I would have to say allowing your child to make their own choices is extremely important. However, you can be in control of this. Let them think they are making their own choices. For example, for dinner they can have green beans or broccoli. They make the choice you control the choices. This will work for school as well. You sit and work with me on your homework from this time to this time or you do your homework on your own from this time to this time and let me see it when you are finished. They have a choice, but they are both choices you are okay with. Try that. Let me know if you have any other questions about this. I was trying to explain quickly.

I did have to respond. Bribes are to get people to do bad things - you bribe people to do criminal things. You reward people when they achieve goals. I have never really understand why people think that's not okay. So instead of kids assuming they deserve TV and computer time, let them earn it by doing their HW and getting good grades, by doing their chores and helping around the house. If they want to go out with their friends or see a movie, they can earn it by doing more around the house. It just makes sense to me. You get a paycheck by doing your work, and get a bonus by doing extra projects. That's not a bribe is it?

Hi M.!

My children are not as old as your child, they are only 5 and 2. But I have taken the Love and Logic Parently class and love it as well. But I would imagine, don't do a total hands off approach. Our children need to grow up knowing we cared about every aspect of their lives and that we wanted to help. What if you checked his homework everyday when he was done? Do you ask him everyday if you can help? If you are not already, I would suggest sitting down on the couch with him every day after school (special mom and son time) and just ask him about how is day was. Ask what he did, what was good about his day, etc. I have a relative that did this with her 3 girls and they had a really good relationship. So, no matter how old or young, just sit down with him for a few minutes and talk about him and his day. That way he knows that mom really cares. Turn it into a daily tradition that he can look forward to.

Good Luck!

A.
Freedom United Team
www.OurFamilyTogether.info

My daughter is at the same grade. She is also within the acceptable levels but it is a struggle. She does not like school but only the class part. We have had many a war over the homework and I have finally had to realise that some children enjoy learning and some just don;t. No matter how hard we have tried, the tantrums the tears and the utter desperation, we couldn't seem to change her.
And you know what?, I now don;t think we should. As long as we support her honest endeavours and give encouragement when needed she will be fine. She may not be the school dux, but she is a loving and giving girl and has many other talents to be proud of.

M.,
After reading your story, I think love and logic is awesome, but I would recommend having him share what he had to do on his homework, make sure you are spending quality time reviewing homework, reading together, sharing his day, my children absolutely love the fact I ask how this class went or that class, what did you learn here and there, the more I was curious in what they were doing the more they came to me when they needed help with school or friends. I grew up where my folks worked all the time and didn't seem interested in my day, I decided that when I had children I was going to be involved. I find it funny after a couple years, I did not have to ask questions, my children would come home and just lay it all out on the table, or say mom can you help me with this math, or mom so and so hurt my feelings. Open communication with the little stuff really helps when they are teenagers and get approached on drugs or alcohol and emotional issues like puberty. Hope this helps.

It is true that kids need to learn some things for themselves, but as a parent, it is also your job to help teach them to WANT to learn things for themselves, and why learning is valuable. No one is going to do work, simply for the sake of doing the work. Your son needs to learn to value of work, but if you don't educate him as to the importance of doing things like his school work, he won't learn any lesson until it is too late. When he grows up and can't get into the college he wants because he never learned the importance of getting good grades, it's too late by then, and YOU will have taught him to always settle for second best.

Don't bribe him. Teach him that sometimes he has to do things, because that's the way life is. You sometimes have to do things that are hard and you don't want to do. Period. By not teaching him this and excusing yourself by adhering to "love and logic," then YOU are setting him up for failure.

Everything you are saying is exactly on point. However, when dealing with hormone infused adolescents who want instant gratification, they don't always see the big picture. I think it's constructive to mention that having a college degree is essential to finding the broadest range of careers. I don't think offering rewards is bribery at all. There are consequences and rewards all throughout adult life. Right now, you are his "boss" or "CEO". Good work should be rewarded and shotty work should be improved upon. I'm not saying that he should get something for every good deed, but a culmination of good grades, conduct and chores should be rewarded with a reasonable allowance and/or a bi-annual surprise.When he gets a job, he should save part of his money. Responsibility should trickle into his life or when he moves out on his own, he won't have any clue how to function with systems that weren't as relaxed as you are. If you are too hands off at this age, it may seem like you don't care and pre-teens want attention more than anything else. I also think you should find his areas of interest and focus on those. He can be whatever he wants, but the goal often changes and it takes hard work. Adolescents can learn to manipulate you if you don't show a little fortitude. Keep positive but strong motivations and your son will ultimately see you have his best interest in mind. Peace, S.

YOu are totally right that he needs to be SELF motivated in order for it to stick, and I like that you want him to make some of his own decisions. One thing that you can try is to interest him in different carreers, if he sees real world applications to what he is learning, like how astronauts and engineers really needs to know math, then maybe he will try harder to learn so that he can prepare for the carreer of his dreams (even if that tends to change over the years). If it is possible for you, take him to a job fair, or just invite friends and family to talk to him in a casual way about thier jobs, why they love to do what they do and what important things they learned in school that helped them. And don't worry that his performance in school now is a predictor of future success, many brilliant minds did terribly in school, like Albert Einstein and Thomas Edision, but they went on to do great things. I myself am no genius, I did awful in high school, but a few years later I decided to go to college and I have been motivated and hard working enough to earn all A's in my classes, OK, I got a B+ in Math, but still!

I think that your son will do just fine, good luck!

M.,

I do not understand this love and logic philosophy.?
Yes, they do need to want it for themselves, but where is the guidance there.
Our children learn more from seeing achievement than reading about it.
President Obama is a prime example of achievement.
What does he like, what does he want to be? He can not obtain his dreams with mediocre grades.
If Parents are not enthusiastic about learning, their children will not be either.
Good luck