6Th Grade Boy Has Melt down - Mom Is Feeling Totally Played

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Just a vent . . . I think it is so sad what traditional school does to boys these days. I do not remember school being the way it is now and I'm not *that* old.

Ugh.

PS: I would lean toward being supportive and not punitive (in line with some of the moms' thinking below).

I'm not sure if this will help or not but if he is feeling out of control it can cause stress and anxiety. Some of us our naturally organized (so not me!) and some of us need some help. Maybe ask the teacher if she has any tools or processes that will help him. Flylady had a student control journal that might help. http://www.flylady.net/pages/control_journals.asp
If you have an educational type store in your area, ask there. He may very well have some develpmental issues that need to be addressed too but maybe this will help him in a practical way. I know you were upset with him (I would be too) but when you talk to him I'd suggest being firm but very gentle and supportive. Let him know that yes, his behaviour was unacceptable but you are going to help him and support him. Ask him questions and listen to what he says. He may have some ideas and just the fact that you listen and want to help him may bring him steps forward. All the best!

Perhaps you need to sit down with him and ask him how you can help him. If he is already upset that he guessed wrong about school and didn't do his homework, I don't see how taking away privileges will help. He is already upset. Maybe you and he can come up with a system/schedule for getting his work done. It truly is not the end of the world if he didn't do his homework one day. He will find this out when the teacher finds out he didn't do it and the world does not end.
As far as his emotional state. Where you think he should be does not really matter, it is where he is that counts. And if he needs your support, give it to him. When he is calm, ask him what he thinks you and he can do next time so this does not happen again.
Best of luck.

My older son is 7th grade this year and believe me the unorganization, forgetting his books, homework, not doing it etc is par for the age. I wouldn't jump to ADD because a "tween" boy isn't focused on his school work....it's how boys are.

What I found with my son is to find and set a goal that he is excited with. Positive reinforcement has helped more than the negative of removing privleges for him. I felt like I was fighting a never ending battle that way and was dreading the upcoming years. One of his long term goals is college. He loves design and architecture and talks about going to ASU for that. We talk about scholarships etc and the need to keep his grades up for this.

Also, look at ALL of you sons work & grades.....is he doing ok on tests but not class work or home work? I know mine was getting A & B on most tests but F's on class & homework....a little testing and we found he was bored, not being challenged therefore he didn't want to do the work. Now that we are challenging him more he is doing better, learning to ask questions but better.

It has also taken me to find a method....we use a zipper binder, agenda and folders, to keep track of his work. I check it each night and he gets me to sign off on it. It is a pain sometimes and I always thought by this age he should be responsible for his own work himself but me checking it keeps him accountable.

We read a few books recently about raising boys and school. The theopry is when you look at boys there really are some differences by age/maturity etc and most school curriculum is based on a rate/level that most girls reach, boys tend to fall behind and it is by no fault of theirs.

Good luck to you!

First of all, are you sure there isn't something else going on at school?

And I wouldn't feel like you've been played, he did get himself under control and he DID go to school under his own power, right?

Some kids are more emotional than others and some show it more freely.

I think there is something going around amongst 6th grade boys right now.

My 6th grade son started crying the first day back to school last Monday. When I pulled him aside at home before leaving to try to get him to talk about what was bothering him....I got nothing. I tried several times to help him phrase common fears or issues. I finally told him that I did not have any more time to spend on his crying spell and that I would give him a few moments to contemplate and mull it over and try to tell me what was upsetting him.

I never got a clear answer. And when he came home from school he confided in me that another one of his friends also had a meltdown before school. Neither had slept well.

I chalked it up to pre pubescent hormones, their pituitary glands are revving up and all the anxiety about returning to school with all the inevitable social changes and pressures that are mounting.

Very normal behavior.. You did great.. You did not back down and you were willing to drag his crying butt in there if necessary..
It is excellent he is going to be evaluated, it will be of great help to know what is going on or if he is just totally unorganized..

This is what middle school is all about..The kids have to learn to be responsible for their own work.. Yes, help him figure out a way to stay organized.. You can make some suggestions, but HE has to really decide what is going to work.

In 6th grade here each student is supposed to have an agenda. also a different pocket folder for each subject. The left side is for home "work due" the right side of the folder, "homework to be turned in"..

Also at Back to school night the teachers told us they would have homework every day in Math, and science.. In Language arts and History they told us there would be required reading each week with notes required in journals.. So a s parents we knew there was homework every night..

Usually the teachers either have written the homework on the board and the students are to write it down in their agendas at the beginning or end of the class.

Tonight when he gets home, turn off everything and have him do all of his weekend homework and all of todays homework.. have him turn in late work even if he does not get any credit for it..

You may need to meet with his team of teachers and let them know what is happening and find out what they are noticing and what they suggest..
Start letting your son know he will not be able to have his fun time on the computer, TV or with friends if he does not get it together..

I am sending you strength..

I can't think of anything I would have done any differently except I would have put him on the bus like we always do for a regular school day.
My 6th grader has had a heavy load with the gifted program this year.
Occasionally he seems close to being overwhelmed.
I want to help, but at the same time I know he has to own the problem in order for him to come up with a solution to it.
We talk a lot. I tell him when I think he's doing well and I tell him when I think he needs to work on something. Always I'm telling him the fun does not start until all the work is done (and it's working - he gets his homework finished or else the tv does not get turned on).
Hang in there!

He's 11. That mean puberty is on it's way in and mood swings are going to part of the norm. Yes crying to that extent is immature, but not unusual at this age - expect more of it. And angry moods, and happy moods , and sad moods, etc. If they get to the point that he become self-destrutive, talk to your pedi. Other than that, both of you are going to be learning coping skills the next couple of years.

Don't pass of the crying thing as immature. Your boy is going through puberty. OK the obsessive crying was probably a bit over the top but it might have been because he did not complete his homework and did not want you to be upset with him for not doing it (not like that really works because we do get upset when our kids do not do their responsibilities). I think you are on the right track about talking to him about it. I hope he will actually talk with you. I have a 12 year old who grunts and groans while I talk. He gets teary eyed and pouty when I "force" him to answer my questions. Is there anything going on in his home life that could get him emotional? What about how the kids treat him at school? When my son was in 6th grade, he had a tough time with getting assigments done also. I had to get on the web page for every teacher everyday just to make sure he had homework when he said he didn't and I had to sit with him while working on his homework (I helped him alot! I did not want him to fail). He was overwhelmed with all the stuff he had to do. 6th grade was tough for him! Now he is in 7th, he has been completing his homework at school and his grades are better this year than last. I hope this helps a little bit. At one point, I was thinking of getting my son checked for ADD but the counselor (at the elementary school) did not think that is what it was. I never had him tested and is doing just fine. Keep the lines of communication open. I am still working on that one with mine! Hopefully whatever is going on can be fixed with something other than medication.

To be honest he knew he was in trouble the minute he got up and heard he had school today. He knowingly blew off his homework because he was counting on school being closed due to weather. So, he has a "melt down" because no matter what happened he was in trouble. Easier to try and play on Mom's sympathy than go to school and face his teachers.

They all do it - mine still has melt downs at 14 when he gets caught in a situation of hi own making. Mine also gets teary eyed when he is really angry which then makes him madder because he is crying because he so mad which makes him cry more.....you get the picture.

Your son is still learning how to control his emotions - they are like run away horses, once they get going they have a hard time stopping them. His reaction sounds normal to me based on my son. Or maybe my son is not normal??? Hmmm. Nope, I have seen his same age friends have similar reactions.

I think society expects boys to be stoic and not cry, when in reality, they are children and we have to expect some over the top reactions from them for a lot longer than society dictates is "normal".

I think you need to address the issue of blowing off his homework instead of his over the top reaction. I mean, point out that he over reacted and made the morning miserable for you both. But he brought the situation on himself and you need him to own up to that.

Good Luck.

Could someone be bullying him? Kids at that age can be horrible, or it could be a teacher singling him out. Just a thought.

Wow, that is a tough one. Sounds like you are doing a lot already to try and help him and know a lot about what his problem areas are. I suppose my first thought is maybe he is really frustrated in school and feels stupid there because he is having a hard time focusing. My husband has these kinds of issues and is incredibly smart but really lacks confidence sometimes because he feel like it is harder for him to get started on things and get organized in his thinking. Once he is evaluated, is there a tutoring program with teachers who have experience with ADD or similar issues?

The only other thing I can think of is maybe there is a bully in school or some other thing he really wants to avoid? Maybe there is a teacher ridiculing him in front of the class for not having his assignments done?

I think it is very smart of you to want to teach him better coping skills. They will definitely serve him later in life! He sounds like a very intense and passionate kid, which would be great if he is able to control it a little better. Good luck!!

He sounds bi-polar. I am and had many incidents like this when I was young and even as an adult. It is hard to reset once I get triggered.

Good news, I DO NOT take ANY medication for this imbalance and instead, take a vitamin supplement of NIACIN. Niacin is a water-soluble B Vitamin that affects the adrenal gland and stress hormones in addition to other benefits.

With just one Niacin pill at night, I have a very stable emotional state with normal responses to ups and downs, instead of going over the moon. A lifesaver.

Please get the book Love and Logic with Teens. They have a website that is great where you can get tips for free (www.loveandlogic.com). He will not take responsibility for his school work if you do (there's no reason for him to). Another great book is Bright Minds Poor Grades. I walked the path you are. I promise these books will be well worth your time reading. I bought both these books at www.half.com for under $5 each.

Blessings!

L.