6 Year Old Can't Sleep on Own

You did not make a mistake co-sleeping when she was a baby. Where the mistake is you not stopping it when she was weaned. I urge you to stop putting yourself down. It's time to let go of the guilt and move forward. I suggest your daughter will have an easier time if you unemotionally tell her it's time to sleep in her bed without bringing up the past. Ask her to help you help her make the change.

Treat this as an adventure. No saying sorry or bemoaning that it's so late. She can sleep on her own. Make a plan with her help.

Be kind to yourself.

Please stop saying you did a bad thing. There is absolutley nothing wrong with co-sleeping, and by saying you screwed up you are telling new moms who are desperate for sleep, "Don't co-sleep! You'll regret it!" when what they need most to hear is that co-sleeping is an option that might very well be the perfect solution for them.

You didn't screw up! Many parents who choose to co-sleep find that their child naturally desires their own bed in their own room and have very little trouble making the transition. Other eventually come to a point where they need to force the issue.

I'm guessing she has her own bed, she just never uses it. Have you tried making a big deal about how this is her bed and making it special for her? Some people are able to do this by taking their child to the store and picking out sheets and blankets to make it theirs. I think I would talk to her about what the new routine is going to look like - bath, pajamas, brush teeth, read a book together, crawl into bed. You might need to sit with her for a few nights. This could be a very scary change for her. Just sit in her room and let her know that you are always there for her. If you have an ereader or IPad, maybe you could bring that in with you and read a book while she falls asleep.

Give it time and try to keep it positive. This is going to be a big transition for her, but it's not the end of the world. Try not to get upset with her, and just gently remind her of the new rules.

You might even try rewarding her for every night that she goes to sleep in her new bed.

If she really struggles with it, you could try putting a mattress next to her bed and sleeping there for a couple of nights until she gets used to the new bed and new room - since her room will look very different at night. I would think sleeping on the floor near her would be abetter option that letting her sleep on your floor, as it should help her get used to sleeping in her new surroundings.

YOU DIDN'T SCREW UP! I'm sure there was a time you breastfed her or gave her a bottle. She doesn't need that now, but that doesn't mean you screwed up when she was a baby. She used to wear diapers, but now she's potty trained. When you were potty training her did you wonder if you screwed up by letting her use diapers? Of course not. That would be ridiculous. So is the claim that co-sleeping is bad. It's not. It's a huge help to many, many families. But just like so many other things, it only works for a time. It's time for you to transition her to another phase of her life.

But please know that you didn't screw up.

Start working on this tomorrow night. This will be a long weekend, so this new schedule will help her as she prepares for school. Your husband needs to be able to sleep in his own bed. No going back once you start this

Let her know that you that she is now old enough to sleep in her own bed, alone.

We used to keep a really tight schedule when school was in session, so that her body would prepare itself for sleep. I really tried not to run errands or have appointments after school, so that her schedule was the same. Of course once she was older, she was fine with changes to this schedule.

She would come home, have a nice snack, then she had a choice, she could work on her Homework right away, or she could play or watch 1 TV show.

This worked for our child, for some children, this will not work, so you set it up the way that works best for your child. Then she was allowed to play outside until dinner was ready. Sometimes she would want to help with dinner and that was fine.

When my husband got home. we shut off the TV and had dinner. A quiet dinner, No phone calls, no TV. we enjoyed our visit and then if she needed more time to work on a project or finish up homework she would do that. Then she would have a bath. A nice quiet bath. Pajamas and then we would read books to her. Sometimes she would read the first book and then we would take over. The secret to story time is to read in a low voice and not to engage her by asking questions or being too animated.

Here in Austin, at this time of year, it does not begin to get dark until almost 9:00 pm. I used to hang up quilts to cover her windows, and I always made sure her room was cooled down and her CD player was playing quiet music so that she could not hear the neighborhood sounds.

This helped so that she was not aware that maybe the neighbors were outside.

This usually all relaxed her a calmed her so she was ready for her goodnight kiss and then lights out.

As she got older, by about 4th grade, she was staying up to read on her own. She would ask for "10 more minutes more" or "1 more chapter"..

At this point I made her a deal. She could stay awake reading as late as she wanted, BUT she had to get up in the morning and ready for school on time, with no whining, or we would then be setting her bedtime.

Honestly, we NEVER had a problem with this, because she knew I would not back down on this. She learned very quickly how much sleep she needed.

When she was young, she would sometimes say she was not tired or was scared. She had dream coins for under her pillow to keep the bad dreams away,

Or we would let her make a "nest in her bed. She would gather pillows and blankets, books, toys, whatever she wanted, sometimes, I would ask her if she wanted to sleep with her feet facing the headboard. Or maybe sleeping in her Sleeping bag on top of her bed or on the floor. She loved having these options when she wanted something a little different.

For the sake of sustaining a healthy marriage, which is the best gift to give your child, time to reclaim the space for you and your husband. I would shelve the guilt because it is not warranted. I would also have faith in your daughter that she can handle this. Let her know that she is at the big girl stage and time for big girl sleeping arrangements. Start establishing new nighttime rituals( reading two books, singing two songs, saying prayers, turning on cool nightlight, etc) that become a routine over time. Don't panic if she freaks out at first. It gives you the opportunity to teach her self soothing and coping skills. Blessings!

First of all, you are NOT a loser mom!! I have done this with all three of my kids. Each kid is different and requires different type of comfort at bedtime, during the night, etc. Apparently the past six years your daughter (and you) benefited from cosleeping. Only thing I would have changed would have been hubby should have been in bed, too, because it's YOUR bed, after all. So what I'd do now is tell her she's old enough to go to bed in her bed. You and Dad need private time in your bed at night. If she wakes up, she can come to you and you can walk her back (or depending on the time of night - let her sleep in your bed, on the floor on blankets or a mattress, or walk her back and lay down with her). Bottom line you and dad need to show her that you sleep together at night and that while you are THERE for her at bedtime and throughout the night, she needs to learn to fall asleep in her bed. Read to her, lay with her, put on a night light, etc. It may take awhile to get used to it but once she does you will be happy (so will hubby) to have your bed back!

I will say, I know a lot of families that went this route, and I also know that they are in your spot now, trying to figure out how to get out of it. I don't see those kids, now tweens, as being more confident, healthier, or any of the other things cosleepers promised. In fact, in some cases, worse. So no, you're definitely not alone. I nursed exclusively - neither of my kids ever took a bottle. It sucks to have to wake up and sit in a chair, but I am very glad we never made that choice.

But everyone is right - don't beat yourself up! You are definitely not alone, and it does you no good (unless you have other little ones in your future) to regret past choices. Just move on making new choices. Good luck!

In my infinite wisdom about parenting before having a child, I vowed I would never bring the baby into bed with me. After the baby, out of sheer exhaustion, I considered it, and gave it a try. It didn't work for me. I couldn't settle into a real sleep because the baby would fuss and wriggle. In short, we never co-slept, so I don't have any personal experience getting a child over co-sleeping.

We did use the Dr. Ferber sleep training book. It has ideas on how to address sleep issues in older kids, tweens, teens and adults too.

It worked for us.
Best to you and yours,
F. B.

No, you're not the only one!

You can't go back, you can only go forward. Try to make it about her special bed and her own special schedule, and not about letting Daddy back in the room. It has to be because it's right for her, not because someone else is replacing her.

I agree about taking a long weekend to work on it. If you can work out a plan and a schedule by Labor Day, great. Otherwise do some reading and figure out a strategy that you and your husband can agree to, where you have the same language and rationale, and start it on Columbus Day weekend. Start spending a lot more time in her room with her, reading and doing other things.

Good luck - you can do it and it will be better in the long run.

That's a huge jump from newborn baby nursing in your bed to six year old who can't sleep alone. I can't imagine letting it go on for so many years if it was not working for your family.

Please don't say co sleeping with your baby was a selfish move just because you're in this situation now. Both my girls slept in our room/bed on and off for their first year and they have been happily sleeping in their own rooms since. I am so sick of people saying if you allow them in your bed when they're infants you'll never get rid of them, it simply is not true.

The good news is she is six, plenty old enough to talk about it. If I were you I might let her sleep on the floor by your bed for a night or two and then it's time for tough love. Tuck her in, snuggle for a minute and then it's "goodnight sweetie".

I would start her on a mattress on the floor. We did that for a while when one of ours kept coming to our bed. Do that for a while. Then you move her to her room. Some day it'll pass.

You know what you need to do, the longer you wait the harder it will get.

My daughter, now 6 1/2, used to sleep with us. It was easier to nurse and I needed to sleep since I went to work in the morning. When I had my son--she was almost 4--she kinda got kicked out. She sleeps in the living room since there really is no where else. We only have 2 bedrooms, got stuck due to the housing bubble. She can be an absolute nightmare to get to sleep. We had to stick to it and it did take eventually. You could try putting her on her own mattress or smaller bed on the floor. Then slowly move it away to her own room. And you have to be tough.

I remember I was tired from the baby and from her fighting to sleep. She still gives us problems but I have noticed that it is getting a bit better. She starts school tomorrow and I am hoping it gets a lot better.

i guess it depends on what your family is willing to accept as the norm, and that varies wildly. i like sleeping with my husband, and us being in separate rooms would never work for us. but one of my best friends has always had her own room due to sleep issues, and another dear friend is more like you- she's always allowed their child to fall asleep with them, and the husband has had to deal. and this tween still has major bedtime issues and meltdowns if not allowed to co-sleep.
i don't know that you're selfish or a loser, but if this is no longer working for you, yeah, it's time to fix it. and no, you're not alone.
once the new routine is established, it's always nice to allow occasional special occasion snuggles.
khairete
S.

You're not the only one! I did that with all three of mine as infants--nursed them to sleep. Let's face it--newborns are hard and sleep is everything. My 7 year old starts out in bed with his sister, then moves into bed with me sometime during the night. He has gone through brief periods of sleeping on his own from time to time. I'm not really worried about it--I know things will eventually change and he won't be in my bed forever. It seems to give him a sense of security, so I'm happy to allow him as long as he doesn't kick me in his sleep! One more thing I'll add--don't beat yourself up. I did the same thing with all three kids--fed them til they fell asleep and my oldest is the only one who has this issue. The other two are sleeping champs! So it's not all your fault after all 😜

My 10 year old came and crawled into bed with me last night, hubby just moved over a bit so she could have more room. She didn't feel good. She wanted comfort.

Does your kiddo have her own room? Go lay down with her in her bed. For goodness sake, if you want hubby back in the room tell him to get his hiney back in there. There is NO reason he can't be in his own bed.

BUT by this time he's likely used to sleeping alone, having room at night, having a light on if he wants it on even all night, he might like total darkness by 8pm, he's had his own room for a long time and he might not want to share a room with anyone anymore.

But all in all, if he wants in his bed he needs to go get in it. If kiddo comes and gets in too then she needs to find it crowded. Maybe she'll start to find her independence.

Also, start inviting her friends to come to a sleepover and they sleep in her room. The more she has, like every weekend, the more she'll get used to the idea of sleeping there.

Get her a bigger bed if she only has a twin. Ours both got queens when they turned 2 and we took them out of toddler beds.