Sharon,
It did not sound like you want to give up on your 5 yr old...just a mom/grandma who needs some support....you have a right to feel frustrated and overwhelmed. I believe most moms here get that:) This little guy is going through some stuff yes? My first thought was that since turning 5 and starting Kinder, he's starting to question things more and maybe see other kids parents at school..."where are my parents?"....things like that. It sounds like he is just angry and needs help learning how to express himself in a more appropriate way. It seems like you and your husband are doing many good and positive things for him and with him, as well as letting him know that his behavior is not acceptable. Keep that up! **Remember to let him know it's his BEHAVIOR you don't approve of, not him. Kids really really need to hear that they are still loved even though they act uncontrollable. I'm sure you know this..I just want to validate you on doing an amazing job at raising your grandson and your own daughter....which is probably another trigger for his anger. Maybe he's thinking,"if she's here, they might love her more than me, and they'll leave me." I don't know for sure what's in his mind, but abandonment issues run really really deep. It's also GREAT that his teachers, principal are so supportive and compassionate with him.
I also suggest not relying so much on rewards and punishments. You are doing the best you can with the resources you have, and that's great. However, it is true that rewards/punishments for children's behavior just doesn't work all that well. Sometimes it may be called for, but mostly you want to strengthen his ability to make good choices because he understands that it is the better thing to do...not because he's going to get a toy or treat for it. Focus on his PROCESS and not the end result. Sincerely praise him when he does act appropriatly or makes better choices. Use positive language instead of negative language. Help him understand the rules of the house and school. Use natural and logical consequences. It takes time, but with support and a strong alliance between you and your husband it will get better for him and you.
From your email, I believe that most likely is just behavior issues he's going through....trying to express himself - but just doesn't know how to control his feelings and actions. But you could also look into other things that could trigger such behavior. Believe it or not, some children have REALLY STRONG BEHAVIORAL REACTIONS to certain foods! It might be difficult to pinpoint, but it could be an option to look into. What exactly triggers his outbursts? Certain time of day? AFter or before eating?, Is he overstimulated? Overwhelmed - difficult time processing things? (check out Sensory Processing Disorder). I'm not a ADD/ADHD advocate...I'm not even sure it's a valid diagnosis, so I would be leary of anyone who labels him as such and wants to put him on meds. I watched a PBS special about children being diagnosed ADHD, and it turns out they are really have bi-polor disorder! I don't want to alarm you, just really get lots of opinions and do you research before turning to an easy fix - like meds for ADHD or something. Again, I'm just throwing out some other possibilities for you to think about. OFten when we are in the middle of the storm we can't see the sunshine outside the clouds:)
One of the things I would try for your little guy, is Art Therapy. So many times, kids really really dont' know how to put thier feelings into words, but ART...they can do that! They can splash paint, scribble, color their way through their feelings. If you get a really great therapist who works with art therapy, it can work amazingly well. I highly recommend art therapy. Unfortunatly I don't have a clue as to who is a great therapist for this avenue. In the classes I teach (pregnant women), we use Birth art as a way to express fears, wishes, dreams, etc and it always amazes me at how well it helps these couples work through some of their issues about labor/birth etc. You can lots of info on the internet about art therapy. Puppets are A GREAT way to get kids to talk. They will do and say almost anything to a sock puppet:) Maybe try having a puppet show in a similar (not exact) situation that he's been through and demonstrating a positive way to deal with it.
Another suggestion - and it takes a very open mind to try it - but you can try Energy work with him. check out www.quantumpathics.com for more info on how this works. Sherry Anshara is the medical intuitive who can help your grandson release some of his fears, anger, sadness etc. I've personally been to her and she helped me tremendously. She doesn't claim to be a "healer", just someone who completely understands how our subconcious works with our energy fields - or bands as she calls them. It's all based on Quantum Physics. I know she's worked with many children. Again, it is something you either have to be comfortable with, or just go outside your comfort zone a bit.
I hope this helps you. I'm sure you will get alot of other great suggestions and support from the mamasource moms. It's a great community. I wish you and your family lots of good energy for emotionally healthy and happy days together. Keep going, rest if you must, but keep going...he needs you, and you will get through this.
PS...I just read another moms suggestion of delaying Kinder for a year...I have to agree. 5 is a young age for ANY kid to start school in my opinion - boys especially because they develop a bit later than girls, and since he's needing some extra TLC now...why not waiting? I'm sure you like/need the rest:) But perhaps you can get him into a Montessori or Waldorf type of preschool a few days a week so you can rest and just be with your daughter.
In Peace,
A.
mom of 4, married 14 yrs, Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com