The past two weeks my once very sweet boy has started hitting kids. Over the weekend alone he hit his cousin (because she wouldn't play with him - his words), he hit a boy we didn't know at the playground (we don't know the reason), and tonight at t-ball he hit his team mate (he won't tell us why and I wasn't at the game so I have 2nd hand information). This is the kid I thought would be the one getting beat up at school! Any advice on how to nip this in the bud? We follow 1-2-3 Magic and for hitting he's removed and sent home to his room. Tonight we took his toys from his room, the DS is gone for a week and I think he should be not allowed to go to his last t-ball game (my husband thinks he should still go). Please tell me kids go through phases like this. He's been super snarky/sassy at home as well and I'm struggling to keep my temper under control by the end of the day (yes I know I have to or else he'll see me and model the behavior.) He starts kindergarten in a few weeks and I need to get this under control now!
Thank you! It always sucks when you feel like you're the ultimate failure as a parent. Ugh. We decided he will go to the t-ball game tomorrow and will tell him ahead of time that we expect him to apologize and not to hit. When dropping him at his class this morning I laid out the rules. He seemed to have a better day today than the past two weeks. Maybe he finally gets it after what happened last night. Since he did have such a good day I gave him an extra cookie after dinner and told him I was happy how well he behaved and he gave me a big hug and had a huge smile. It reminded me he really is still "little". I'll take one good day and hope it stays that way!
I wonder if he has pent-up energy (I won't say "aggression") - maybe you could sign him up for a gymnastics class...or even martial arts, where he could learn physical discipline AND have an opportunity to hit things.
(Maybe he needs a punching bag - an appropriate outlet to take a few swings.)
All I know is, I have heard from friends, that their kids (about the same age as yours), have recently gotten cantankerous and "bratty" like and hitting/fighting more.
I think... it may have to do with the start of school soon etc. and their age related growing pains developmentally.
Try talking with, your child about it.
Meaning, I do that with my son... when he seems more... cantankerous. And usually he has an emotion based, thing, he is feeling. And well, after talking to him... and letting him vent and I telling him "I get what you mean/are saying..." and that I understand... he seems to deflate. But still, I do tell him his actions are wrong. Not to be tolerated. And he does get reprimanded for his misbehavior. But not for his feelings. I make sure, he can tell me anything. Despite. And he does.
stay calm, and carry on!
i think you're handling this very well. as to why he's in this lousy phase, who knows, but i think if you keep a lid on your own perfectly understandable frustration, and keep patiently, grimly and inexorably giving him these immediate and costly consequences, he'll come to his senses relatively quickly.
also make sure that you keep the door open for conversation. this could be one of the many testing phases kids naturally go through, or there could be something behind it. whichever it is, your reactions are correct, but in order to ferret out what's going on there needs to be discussion when you're not in the middle of coping with it.
this too shall pass, mama.
khairete
S.
You have gotten some great advice about his age and stage and how this does turn up at around five; he's aware that a change (kindergarten)is coming and is acting out possibly because of that, and/or not wanting to grow up just yet, and/or needing to assert his wishes and not yet knowing quite how to do it (despite your surely telling him to use words and not hands).
I would add one thing -- time outs in his room should end. You did remove the toys, and that's excellent, but time outs in a child's own room can do one of two different things: : They make their room, which should be their own special place, associated with unpleasant things or, on the opposite end, they have little effect because the child has his own fun or comforting stuff around him. Removing the toys helps with the latter but instead, I would have his time outs in a very boring, neutral place that does not have any view of the TV, or of any of his stuff, or anything interesting - the end of a hallway (doors into rooms shut) or the bottom step of the stairs are some places that parents use. He should be in an area where there is...nothing even to look at. That way he feels the time out more. And be sure that when the time out is over, a required part of the time out is that you get down on his level and he tells you why he was in time out, what he did, and he apologizes to you. (This step can also help bring out the emotions that may be underlying this and can help you work on those with him.)
Also -- it's hard to do this when the hits are outside the house, but be sure that the consequence follows immediately. Sounds like you are doing that already. Regarding the t-ball game, I would not take that away unless he hits that day or the day before and it's crystal clear -- in advance -- that the t-ball game is on the line as a consequence. I would tell him the day of the game, "If you hit anyone today, you are not going to the game," rather than waiting until he hits and then saying, "That's it, no game." He needs the warning and the knowledge of what is at risk -- but in a kid his age, that warning won't stick very long in the heat of the moment if he's mad. I would wager that you are doing all this already, though!
This will change. Stick to your very good ideas about keeping your own temper under control (so hard to do, I know!) and ensuring he feels he can talk to you, in case the hitting is a result of feelings he doesn't understand yet, like fear of starting K.
They do go through phases. The best way to stop hitting is to let the other kid hit back. Of course, zero tolerance rules now punish kids for defending themselves the same as they punish the aggressor.
Sounds like a kid ready to go back to school. I am serious. When my kids were younger they would get awful, without even looking at the calendar, oh, is it August already?
I think summer breaks are just too long. Once they have done everything twice all that is left is to attack people for sport. I guess I am lucky? mine only went after sibs and it was mostly all verbal.
If he's hitting, I don't believe in completly removing him from the situation or taking things away. Kids have to find a way to deal with the situation at hand and they won't find it if you take them away from the environment to begin with, or take something away (like his DS) that had nothing to do with causing him to hit someone in the first place.
Obviously, when he isn't getting his way he acts out. Try some role playing - used stuff animals and play out some scenarios, and have him practice what to say and do when he doesn't get his way.
Wow my 5 year old daughter just started with that a few weeks ago. It stopped thankfully. I explained to her that hitting was not allowed and took away her favorite toy at that time. I also made sure she understood that just because another child hit with no consequences did not make it all right for her to do. It took a few days, but she did figure out that doing it was bad.
I also made sure she got more sleep. I realized that she was a lot more active during the summer day and was really exhausted. When kids (and some adults!) are that tired impulse and emotional control are shot.
Good luck!
