5 Year Old Emotional and Willful!

Hi M.,

He's not listening because you are screaming. Try whispering. I'm NOT KIDDING. They did this to my daughter in day care and she ACTUALLY STOPPED HER FIT AND WALKED CLOSER TO HEAR WHAT THE TEACHER HAD TO SAY.

It sounds like you are having battles with your son over control. He wants it & you want it. This is the set up for a win/lose situation, which is NOT what you want. Because someone has to LOSE :-(

What areas DOES he have control over his life? Does he pick out what he gets to wear? This eliminated 75% of our struggles just by changing my attitude toward her clothes (and it wasn't one of the things we were struggling with, just something that I could initially give her COMPLETE control over) and I keep my lips zipped unless it's inappropriate (ie - just a shirt / no pants..... hee hee) or somewhere we are going that is a 'mommy-pick' event (like an event for my work or a funeral). Otherwise she gets full say over what she wears. if it's in her closet she can make the decisions. anything NOT appropriate I remove, so she doesn't have that a choice - example shorts in the winter or sweatpants to school. And yes, most of the time I cringe because it doesn't match. I had to get over my mortification because I had newly discovered harmony!!!!!!

Other areas that you can give him control are simply a matter of phrasing "do you want milk or water with dinner?", "do you want to take a shower or a bath". Only give him choices that are A) acceptable to you and B) have the desired result. (I found the "do you want to shower before or after the tv show" backfires. They always want the tv show first and then it's just another battle).

This one is contraversial, but something I feel pretty strongly about. I posted an answer a while back and got blasted. But how often do you say NO? Can you just rephrase so that the answer doesn't start with no? For example 'mom I want to watch a movie'. A "no" answer to this starts him on a tantrum, right? Can you say "you can watch a movie on saturday, right now we have to .....".

I also found that VALIDATING what I thought my daughter wanted and/or how she was feeling was really helpful for both of us.
"mom I want a cookie"
"I see that you are hungry. You can have carrots or string cheese".
"But I want a cookie. I don't want that other stuff"
"I know you want a cookie. and you are disappointed that you can't have a cookie. But your choices are carrots or string cheese".

People will tell you to "nip this in the bud or it will get worse" and "your child needs to know who is boss". I found, however, that escalation only increases emotion for EVERYONE and didn't get me the result I wanted (which is a well-behaved child who can make appropriate decisions for herself).

You have to decide what kind of parent you want to be. I decided I wanted to teach my daughter how to manage her need to have control, not squelch it and teach her that others will have final say over her life, simply because I was the boss/parent. I chose being the teacher/parent. Giving her appropriate areas in which she had control and then it made more sense to her that there were areas outside of her control.

Good luck!

I've raised 5 of my own and 26 foster children.....run, don't walk to get a book called "parenting with love and logic" by Foster Klien.

It sounds like your son has grown out of what worked for preschoolers and now needs interaction on a 'school age' level. A great book is "How to Talk so Kids will Listen" by Adele Faber.

You're still saying the same stuff, but it is "heard" better by the kids. It's easy to read, has short chapters, summary pages, cartoons and is full of great tips.

Remember that a child that questions everything his parents say will also question everything his peers say. He'll be unlikely to follow the crowd, so there's a good side to this. Helping him to use his analysis and agreeing with you (yes, it can be done) will help him in the long run and once you get the hang of it, is not that time consuming. (the book helps lots.)

I read Dr. Kevin Lehman's book "Have a New Kid by Friday". I think he gives some very practical strategies for dealing with these issues. Also, 1-2-3 Magic talks about the time out method. I rarely get to a 3. My child is very strong-willed, "spirited", and doesn't seem to learn from any punishment we give her. Some kids are more compliant than others, for those of us who don't have those kids, it seems like every day is a battle and the more you can do to prepare yourself, the better. Good luck!

Here are two links. I use the second one and my friend usees the first one. I believe they are very simular.

http://www.parentmagic.com/
https://www.discountbooksale.com/store/productView.aspx?i...

Just be consistent. Sounds like you are doing a great job. Just talk to him calmly (sometimes easier said then done:) ) Maybe instead of locking him in his room let him know everytime he comes out 3 minutes is added on. Set a timer so the beep can be heard by all.
Give him choices: You can go into your room for time out on your own OR I can carry you. If he does not choose then you say~if you do not choose then I will choose for you.
Always make "the choices" with an outcome you want :)
Hope this helps, good luck~ D.

Screaming doesn't help---you've figured that out, so stop. When I do time outs, it's in a corner where I can see them, not in a room full of toys. My kitchen is the usual spot, although I've been known to find a corner in a store. Wherever, it needs to be in view and with nothing to distract. My granddaughter was the worst of all the kids I've raised. At that age, we wnt through a time where I would drag her---kicking, screaming, spitting, pinching, slapping--- to the corner, where she would flop on the floor, and refuse to stand in the corner. I simply said, "Let me know when you're ready for me to start the timer". I sat down in plain view and started reading a magazine. I think the most time she spent on the floor was 40 minutes (my husband said,"Idon't know why you let her get away with that." I said, "What are you complaining about--it's quiet, isn't it? When she's ready to take her punishment, she will.") After whatever time, she quietly stood up, said, "I'm ready to start the timer" and turned to the wall. We got 45 minutes of peace and quiet, and she got 5 minutes on the timer---win, win in my book. The key is to show the child that you mean business, no screaming or yelling from you, just quiet determination to see the punishment through. (I think she's been in time out maybe 5 times in the 2 years since that last marathon.) Tell him you're starting a new system and new rules because you don't like all the things you both are doing.

I just wanted to say that you are not alone. Last night I sat at a book club meeting with 3 other moms. All of us have 5 year olds - two have boys, two have girls. We ALL expressed this exact same concern. You aren't a bad parent - your child seems to be normal. It seems to be a "phase" that all children go through around this age (just basing that on my experience last night). You've gotten some GREAT advice here - I plan on putting some of it into practice and try with my daughter. Sometimes it helps to know that you aren't alone and I wanted you to know that you aren't. Good luck to both of us!!!!