5 Year Old Can't Handle Unstructured Time

C.:
The things that you mentioned that he was in trouble for was things that the teacher should tell the students not to do. The teacher should tell him how she or he expects him to behave in the classroom and out on the playground. I've heard the pre-k and kindergarten teachers tell the students how they expect them to behave in the classroom, lunchroom, music room, computer room,PE and playground. You can reinforce with some general rules about getting along with other kids.
P. S(retired teacher & substitute teacher now)

Your son sounds normal in his behaviour. Your hubby is on track with giving him direction but ask him if his day is totally structured like that and if not, what makes him do the things he does instead? Like watch TV, eat a snack, that type of stuff. Your son can't do those things without asking permission first so there for he finds things he can do without asking. So now this is where you and your hubby need to come together as parents and decide what behaviours are ok for him to do and which aren't, and what you are going to do for disclipline for the bad ones. Is poking the eyes of a stuffed animal really that bad?? NO, unless it is someone elses and they don't want him doing that to it. And better a stuffed animal than a reall one right!! But if he starts getting to wound up doing it, bring it to his attention and ask him to calm down. If he keeps going at it then he needs to put the toy down and take a break from it. Now wood chips at the park is a big no no. The first time you give him a warning and explain to him that it isn't nice and all that. Even ask him if he would like it done to him. If he does it again, he has to sit on the park bench next to you for 5 mins for a time out. Nothing bothers a kid more than to watch others have fun when they can't!! And be ready to see other kids do the behaviour you don't want your son doing and no parent stopping then. Just make him understand that their parents have a different set of rules to follow for their kids.

The key is to be consistant with what is ok and bad behaviour. You and your hubby have to be on the same page as well, no good cop- bad cop. It will only send mixed messages.

Good luck and just let him be a kid!!

S.

Hi C.,
Just wanted you to know that I DO think this is normal. I have a 5-year-old boy, & his behavior is very similar to what you describe. I spoke to our pediatrician about it, & he said that our boy is very, very, very normal! And other people have also said that this behavior is normal.
Boys are full of energy. Especially 5-year-old boys! God made them that way!! They need to play. I do agree that they need exercise every day & lots of activities to interest their growing minds. They are going to get bored if you plop them down in front of the t.v. too much. And you can't expect them to sit there all day acting like little angels. They aren't hard-wired that way.
As my mother always reminds me: Honestly, would you want a little boy who just sat there & did nothing all the time? Sounds boring to me.
Just love him & play with him & try to channel the energy into positive things that will help him learn & grow. Good luck!

oh my god! that is what happens to my 5 year old son too!! I never thought about it that way, but he goes through the same... I will read the advice you are given, thanks for putting it out!!

I guess I'm wondering what exactly you mean by "wild" and "out of control". I agree with you that kids need to be able to deal with unstructured time. If most of his life is micromanaged, as you say, then he just might have some steam to blow off when he's not being directed. I have a 5 y.o. boy too and he's actually pretty good about amusing himself (or playing with his sister). Now keep in mind that often means he's in the play room banging stuff around making lots of noise and it sometimes feels like the house is going to come apart! But I think that's just the way he needs to play sometimes. If he gets too "wild" I try to send him outside to play or plan some kind of physical activity (swimming, taking a hike, etc...). And as far as camp... I don't know... when my son was in preschool this year and they had unstructured time it always got a bit wild, especially on the playground. Seems to be what you'd expect with a bunch of 5 y.o. boys hanging around together???

I am interested to see the other response, I only have a suggestion, i haven't ever come across this problem, but maybe try to make him decide on his action? coax him into descision making that way? ex: these are your options, I will not choose for you, pick one. good luck!

My thought was that he might need more exercise. Boys are wild and out of control! :) Just watching my neighbor chase her son around while my daughter plays quietly is funny. But now I have a son and I know I will be doing the same thing.

I think you need to give him a chance to be more independant. You can't micromanage him all the time. And that might mean he is running around the house being loud and making a mess. Just make him clean it up when he is done.

C.,
I agree that he may need to learn how to manage unstructured time. You might want to start giving him small amounts of "free time" at home. You could start out with ten minutes in a specific space (i.e. his room, play room, kitchen, etc.). You might have to start out by giving him some choices of what to do if he cannot make them himself at this point. Set up some "free time" ground rules like must stay in this room, keep your hands and feet to yourself (if there are siblings around), take care of the environment (toys, furniture, etc.). As he gets used to this, you can increase the amount of "free time". You can change the number of rooms he has access to and you can give less and less instruction. If he says..."I don't know what to do." You can help him think of things to do for himself by asking, "What do you think you can do?" You can make a list of things for him (use pictures if he isn't reading). That way he can begin to have a mental list of things he can do during free time.
I hope this is helpful!

Hey C.,
My son is now 10 yrs but starting at 4 yrs we went through the very same stuff. The only thing he could do for a longer period of time without any direction was TV and computer. Not the best activities, but ones we used when needed.

We had his pre-school teachers suggesting everything from possible ADD and ADHD to specific diets. He is not, nor has he ever been, ADD/ADHD. We sought our referrals initally and frankly 3 out of 4 professionals told us that he would be too young to test. One of the factors in assessing ADD or ADHD was how well he controlled his external environment. At that age he can't, nor should he, to the degree that testing would require. Needless to say, it was a rough year or so but we waited it out and he "just grew out of it". Because it consumed out lives for a good time, I can remember exactly the week during the summer before his kdg year when it "just kicked it".

Now 4 yrs later he is a great, socially acclamated, educationally gifted, athletically involved boy. Now that is not to say he doesn't get into his fair share of mischief (yes, we get a call from the principal every Spring before school's out letting us know he was disruptive in class - I'd never tell him, but who wouldn't be if you were stuck inside most of a beautiful Spring day?!!?). Most all of his attention seeking behaviors he did at 4 and 5 are pretty much gone. He has gone into the next phase - verbally challenging every decision or consequence we give him. UGH!! Such is life??!?!?

All this to say...stick with it. It DOES get better. If he is anything like my son, he just needs time to mature and grow up. It's tough living through it, but when it all comes together you can look back and smile.

Yes. I went through this stage also. I see you have a 4 month old. It might be how he is expressing sibling rivalry and being jealous of his little sister since babies take so much attention and he may be craving attention he use to get from you when you had more time. Make sure to spend some more one on one time with just him. otherwise do what the other moms say. At least 1 hour of day of active play. Research ADD and giftedness. See if he has any of these traits. I have friends whose found natural products and diet changes helped their kids with these focus problems. HTH
T.

This does not sound "normal" to me at all. I would not wait and hope he outgrows this. I would at the very least talk to your pediatrician. You may want to have him evaluated for behavioral issues. I can't imagine the time it must take for you and your husband to micro-manage your son's life. I think you will need to seek expert advise depending on exactly what you mean by "wild" and "out of control." I also suggest the book Love and Logic Parenting: Birth to Age Six. www.loveandlogic.com. It's possible he is this way because of always being told what to do, but I suspect it actually started the other way around; him being this way and you and your husband coping by micro-managing. I think there is most likely a deeper issue that will need to be addressed. Good luck.

My first suggestion is to have him tested for ADHD. It could easily be that he is a little slow to mature (nothing serious, just enjoying being little for a while). Or it could be ADHD. Again, this is not bad, just something that you could know and learn techniques to help him cope with life better.
B.

Sounds EXACTLY like my 5 year old...except his was right after he turned 5 in April - his teacher and class absolutely adored him and said he was one of the best ones. At home he has an older brother who is almost 7 and a baby brother who is 20 months...I think special "dates" are important and also NOT trying to micromanage everything they do-I'm waiting for him to outgrow this stage as well-My cousin is a child phychologist and she suggests 30 minutes of "floor-time" individually per day- she also said it's too early to diagnose ADD- ADHD anyway - that is something that is very widely OVER DIAGNOSED- so be careful with that.. my sister in law home schooled her kids until middle school and her son was always very hap-hazard and crazy- she was SURE they would have diagnosed him as ADHD if he had gone to public school - now he is 16 and totally normal - is wrestling varisty at 9th grade!
hang in there and pray over him- we say a prayer ever night with my son to ask GOd for self control...(Don't we ALL nedd that sometimes?)
some behaviour books may be helpful too- if you have time to read...
Good Luck
Nikki

First of all, I want you to know that I am looking at this from a totally different side than most, going by the wording you used. I guess I have to ask why your husband felt it necessary to micromanage your son in the first place and what was your son's age when he began this? Sometimes we tend to over control our children for our own reasons thus hindering their normal growth. They can be trained to sit and keep busy, but what have they learned about self control, decision making, cause and effect, etc. with all the control going on.
This brings up a couple of thoughts to ponder over your son's behavior at the park.
1. Anger that's let out, do to being over controlled, which is a normal reaction. I wouldn't like it either.
2. He's a normal kid doing things boys do and time to teach him self control.
I don't know your husband of course, but I wonder if you are micromanaged also? Please don't be offended by that question, sometimes it's not really acknowledged and is just accepted. Freedom to choose is a big thing in life and we all must experience cause and effect to be well rounded.
I give you these thoughts to have you ask yourself deeper questions. If I am all wet, then I say yippee... I want all to be great in your home for you and your family, but
I am an advocate for children first.
The best to you all.